Yes, I made it home for Christmas, but I was not prepared for the shock. No Bernie, a business to close, the lonely nights, way too many visitors who wanted to help, but I wan't ready for them......and my 2 babies...they were afraid to touch me...didn't know if I was going to stay..they had so many questions, it was too overwhelming.
I did my best to explain where daddy was and they seemed satisfied with it, Yet, they would crawl into bed every night with me.
The nights were the hardest, I could almost smell his presence, even with the kids beside me.
Over the days, weeks & months that followed, anger became a strong part of everyday events. It seemed every time I thought I had it under control, all would come crashing down.
I started driving again, but to this day am very nervous with night driving. I have taken many falls at home, in busy streets, so I am nervous when alone out there in the big world....but go anyway....I have learned through time and confidence that even a stranger will lend an arm to get me across a busy street..all I have to do is ask......in a way, I had to toss my pride aside, grin & bear the inconvience of asking.
I guess I could say that the final step to the healing process was the grief. I had yet to say good bye to my husband and believe this or not..it took me 10 years to do this. Once I accepted my new way of walking around with a cane........yes....I graduated to a cane in the first 3 years...accepted being a single mom and the kids depending on me, knowing I could never work again..( I am a safty hazard in most working fields)..but that is ok....I still do many other things. I was finally able to let go of the past and live for my little family.
I could add many more thoughts to this story, but for now this is enough as my life is anew and my past helped me be a stronger person. If I can help one other person to understand the healing process to get to the point I am in my life today, then I have done well. Plus, my other web pages can verify that I am just fine. |
