MORE DIVING TERMS AND BUDDY LIST

 

We all remember those first dive classes when we were bombarded by new terms, complex charts, and the thought of coming face to face with dangerous sea creatures (see SHARK below). But there is a whole list of terms that we were never taught but had to pick up on the back reefs of the world - hushed definitions and observations whispered from diver to diver when the instructor isn't looking. I hope you enjoy my tongue in cheek reference guide to "proper" diving terminology.

MASK - Store sea water samples until you reach the surface.
FINS - Torture device invented during the Spanish Inquisition.
SNORKEL - Breathing tube used to suck in seawater and insects while on the surface.
WET SUIT - Exactly what a diver does when the cold and caffeine kick in.
DRY SUIT - Glorified inner tube and just about as comfortable.
CHECK OUT DIVE - Great opportunity to experience first hand: A. hypothermia B. Fear C. Stupidity D. All of the above.
NARCOSIS - Does that cost extra?
2ND STAGE - Not a theater term.
DEEP DIVE - Depths greater than you find in your bathtub.
SPARE AIR - The air left in your buddies' tank.
BOAT DIVING - A complex task because boats usually don't dive.
WRECK DIVER - What you become after running out of air at 100ft.
EMBOLISM - A bad thing!
OCTOPUS - Large eight legged sea creature which attaches to your face at inopportune moments.
B.C. - The extra flotation you gain after many holiday meals.
C CARD - "And they don't take American Express."
SHARK - Bottom feeding, cannibalistic, spineless, invertebrate (sure it's redundant), often found in courtrooms, newsrooms, and car lots.
GIANT STRIDE - An acrobatic maneuver so called because of the 15 foot drop to the water which occurs when the boat rolls to port while you are exiting the starboard side.
BUDDY BREATHING - An often impossible task because your buddy has long ago left your side in search of the bikini clad, web-footed, neoprene fish.
BUDDY DIVING - "Same day, same ocean - we must be buddies."
"PLAN YOUR DIVE, DIVE YOUR PLAN." - It's like a diving safety mantra only different.
FREE ASCENT - A blazing rush to the surface at about warp 8.2.
BLOWN OUT - Don't even think about those words.
1/3 RULE - Use 1/3 of the day thinking about throwing up, 1/3 of the day actually throwing up, and 1/3 of the day being glad you threw up.
REPETITIVE DIVE - "We're going to the quarry again?"
DIVE TABLES - A complex chart using numbers and mysterious signs created to scramble a divers already overtaxed intellect.
ECO-DIVER - Short for E-Coli (bacteria found on third world dive trips).
TECHNICAL DIVING - "I could tell you but I'd have to kill you."
MAX DEPTH - Your actual depth minus 50ft. Used when describing your dive profile to the dive instructor.
DIVE COMPUTER - A $700 addition to you weight belt.
V.I.P. - "Virtually Impossible to Peer inside a tank."
NITROX - See Technical Diving.
BOTTOM TIME - Time spent sitting on a narrow, uncomfortable bench on the way to the dive site.
PURGE - The button you push to get rid of the chili-dog you belched into the regulator.
NEW-BEE DIVER - "Okay, the doohickey attaches to the what's-it?"
TUB DIVER - Specialist in off season, shallow, freshwater dives.
HYDRO - A monster which feeds on Luxfer aluminum 80's.
FLOOD - What your sinuses do to your mask.
BUOYANCY CONTROL - The art of not cratering the bottom or rocketing past mean sea level.
DIVE LIGHT - A waterproof carrying case for dead batteries.
GEAR BAG - Storage device for sand, shells, old sandwiches, mildewed T-shirts, and stowaway sea critters.
DIVE KNIFE - An underwater magnet for rust that in an emergency won't cut through hot butter.

Please commit these definitions to memory. They could be on your Advanced test. I've laminated my copy of Divers Definitions and pass them around the hang lines during long decompression stops. They are guaranteed to get a diver grinning so hard that they will break the seal on their mask and open the flood gates. Then you can sneak over and steal their nice new reel but that's another story.

Choosing the right diving buddy can be a more important decision than choosing your first through third spouses, your career path (a.k.a. dead-end job) and in many cases, even more important that the selection of your diving vacation destination. The following guidelines should take some of the stress out of this complex decision-making process, and help you learn what to avoid:

Mr. I Can Maintain Perfect Buoyancy Longer Than You Can

He's arrogant, he's irritating, and worst of all he's usually right.

Mr. I Bet I Can Maintain Perfect Buoyancy Longer than You Can

Same as above, only he's so sure of himself that he wants to take your money in what he views as a "sucker bet."

The Ruthless Spearfisherman

He's going to catch a fish no matter how long it takes. And will rouse you from the developing mental haze caused by the lack of oxygen in your tank with the tip of his loaded spear gun to make you continue the hunt.

The Diving Stud

He uses enough hairspray to dive in the strongest currents, yet not have a hair out of place. One more spritz and he'll be toxic to the entire marine environment around him.

Mr. Perpetual Optimist

So constantly cheerful, even on days when the seas are 6-8, he can see the bright side of being seasick on an overcrowded dive boat, from which, for obvious reasons, you aren't permitted to dive off of that day. One day you know that the stress is going to get to you and you're going to burst a blood-vessel and throw him overboard without his equipment.

The Pseudo-Diver

He wears all the right dive clothes, owns all the right dive gear...and it ends right there. He possesses no diving skills whatsoever. In his opinion that's what you're for. NOTE: This relationship can work if he owns a Nikonos V that you've lusted over but can't afford, will pay for your gear, buys beer afterwards, and doesn't take it personally if you leave him on board the dive boat.

The Ex-Con

Warning: One should not consider a diving partner who has more than two felony convictions, no matter what his skills underwater.

Just Got Out of the State Hospital

One step above the ex-con, he was smart enough to fake insanity and get sentenced to cushier surroundings. At least you hope he was faking...

The Cola Junkie

"What do you mean we don't have any sugar and caffeine left on board!" His hands shake too much to set up his equipment properly.

The Neighbors Recently Certified Ten-Year-Old Ki

You may be tempted to tell yourself that since he's young, you can mold him to your diving ways. Don't share this naive thought with him. You'll only get a lot of laughter and receive a clipped, "Yeah, right" before he returns his fixated attention to his handheld electronic game.

The Ozzy Osbourne Fan

I'm sure you know what he likes to do with the live lobster he catches. Leave him back on land where he can content himself with bats.

Lastly, never, ever consider a diving partner who has been on America's Most Wanted, Unsolved Mysteries or any show featuring people talking about their UFO experiences.