Spoilers: Post-ep to Alter Boys, so everything up to there is game.
Author's Notes: The song The River of Dreams is by Billy Joel.
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To a river so deep
Grissom walked, stunned, from the prison to his car. He couldn't believe what had just occured. Like a zombie, he got into his car, but once in it, just sat there, unable to move, or think.
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
He distantly heard his cell phone ringing, but it didn't register. Instead, all he saw over and over again was Ben, dying on the prison floor. He looked down at his hands, sure he could still see the blood on them. He'd been innocent. But he couldn't save him.
And even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore
And try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find out what I've been looking for
Father Baker's words continually ring in his ears, "You still suffer like a Catholic. A light bulb goes out, other people fix it, get a new one. A light bulb goes out for the Catholic, he stands in the dark, goes, 'What did I do wrong?'" And his words in response sound like a hollow bell, fortelling his own doom, "That guilt's not in me anymore." As he again looks at his hands, he knows he was wrong. The guilt will always be in him.
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
And I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I would never lose
Something somebody stole
He couldn't save him. As the phrase repeats itself again and again, something else he said to Father Baker runs through his tired mind: "Some people might call it a career in futility". And for the first time in his life, he actually believed it, that this might really be a career in futility. He KNEW who did it and yet he couldn't save an innocent man.
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
He was so tired, he just wanted to stop, to give up. He was done now. He couldn't fight the futility anymore.
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is that I've been looking for
Finally ready to start the car, he noticed his cell phone, the voice mail sign flashing. He wanted so badly to ignore it, but he couldn't. He'd been him for too long. It was Catherine.
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To a river so deep
"Hey Gil, it's me. I saw on the news what happened. I was just calling to see how you're doing. Nick told me about what happened during the case. Call me, or something, okay?" By the time her message was over, Grissom had reached the end of the parking lot. If he turned one way, it would lead to Catherine's house. Turn another, and it led to his house, and the alcohol waiting for him there.
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night
He looked at both directions again. The choice was his. But he was tired, and he didn't know where to go. He was lost. And suddenly, that revelation made the decision for him. He would go where he always went when he was lost.
I'm not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That runs to the promised land
As he drove, Father's Baker's words sounded again, "You still suffer like a Catholic." Oddly enough, Father Baker wasn't the first person to tell him that.
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
He turned into the familiar driveway. The house, was of course, dark.
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
He knocked on the door, and waited for an answer. Completely unsurprised, Catherine opened the door and let him in.
In the middle of the night
Finis
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