In this, my first
writing of 2007, I certainly have enough to make anyone’s head explode; I mean,
everything from the studying of the will of fools, power-crazed egomaniacs, the
new possibility of Rob, keeping up with Jasper and his world, the distant
prospect of reconnecting with family, getting those sought after marks at uni and then graduating, to ultimately open up a new
chapter…
It’s when I’m in
the grip of exam revision and still other academic pressures, that I tend to
keep these really weird hours, i.e. making a lentil stew at 1 in the morning is
not out of the ordinary, whatever the ordinary is…
It’s only in this
isolated existence, that I can get away with neglecting the housework for days
on end, steal a kip to rest my brain in between bouts of intense studying, only
for a nap to turn into several hours of selfish yet much needed deep
sleep. It’s only within this existence,
that I can careen around the house, forgetting where I put down a cup of tea,
running mindlessly up and down the damn stairs and the only real responsibility
to anyone else, is feeding the cat!
It’s the kind of
existence that means I could go days at a time without socially seeing anyone,
merely engaging in the necessary interaction with a shopkeeper, a bus or taxi driver
and of course Hazel whose reliability is unbreakable…
I can hide myself
in this big comfortable cell, try desperately to focus on the work – dragging
myself kicking and inwardly screaming, finding true satisfaction in actually
getting some laundry done or the basic necessity of cleaning the kitchen to
have dishes to use.
Bloody hell, does
it get any more dull than this? The nagging pain in my left eye keeps me just
above melancholy, as the work gives me a sense of purpose and dedication.
So, it’s the
final slog, so they say. After all this,
I can triumphantly open my arms to the kind of creativity, independent thought
and restlessness to which I’m accustomed…
My physical being is crying out injustice at the lack of active
exercise, healing or relaxation
This whole gig is
so imbalanced, because everything goes to the brain and, when I do get a
breather or lull in the relentless academic demands, conveniently, something
stupid and practical raises its ugly unwanted head!!!
I love the
intellectual stimuli and brain stretchers, but hate the imprisonment and
isolation which this degree has brought with it.
Sadly, I’ve given
up completely on any form of socialising, especially this year, I don’t have
the energy to try and have lost the will to care!
Those damn
cliques of young, fresh-faced spoiled brats don’t give a shit whether I’m
sitting in the lecture hall or the cafe…!
I could quite
easily be a fly on the wall of any repressive dictatorial lecture theatre and,
in the rare chance that I’d even be spotted, at the very most,
some over-motivated male student would casually get up and swat me down from my
point of observation on the wall.
So, bring me some
chocolate, some fresh flowers might be nice, a new green plant would always be
good for the big beautiful cell and, if its Friday night and you’re at a loose
end, bring me a good bottle of red; make sure it’s not dry and then cheerfully
skip away smiling, knowing you’ve done your good charitable deed for the night…
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