Last night the
beach party was uplifting and right on. The proper gateway into summer.
There were lots
of bonfires, drumming, fire jugglers, food being done
over the fire, the usual drink and happy smike…
It kinda changed my view generally of the student crowd as
totally straight-laced and boring goody-two-shoes… Although a lot of them
bloody are!
Today though, Beltane,
I should have been down on the beach again, there was going to be lots of stuff
going on.
They were meant
to doing stalls for the G8, make poverty history and all the usual
families… Instead, I spent it in
solitude.
Dull depressing
solitude… I think I didn’t bother going,
because I know, ultimately, I would have just sat there on my own, like I do
with every fucking thing else!
Last night was
cool, apart from the fact that I forgot my pipe and had to contend with just
the usual cup of red in my hand and snatch a conversation wherever I
could. Beck’s mum was really nice and
approachable.
She seems to have
a good relationship with her daughter and keeps in touch with what Beck’s
into… An old hippy/artist, well-spoken
yet rounded.
The kind of mum
it would be nice to have. When I wasn’t
trying to mingle, dancing despite my worsening knee, toting a drink or asking
some good-hearted soul to take me to the dark spot so I could pee, I was
sitting on my own, like usual, the spare part.
Everyone
else of course, in the usual couples or groups of friends.
Never mind, what-the-hell!!!
I might spend
some time on the beach tomorrow, before Jasper comes home. Take a walk and shake off the cobwebs, who knows!
‘til then, I’ll carry on with making something to eat,
clearing up, fold some laundry and maybe start getting some studying done.
The silence is
almost imprisoning. The loneliness, my
lifelong arch enemy, yet permanently here, like a bad yellow stain on the wall
that won’t come off.
The bi-product of
the loneliness is the absolute desperation.
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