writing

Torcher tourments me making each moment more painful than the last, When im hurting, cutting replaces the pain in my soul by placeing it on the outside of my body.It is a drug for me, a beautiful release...

Sitting here, staring endlessly into space
our minds fading away
stupidity surround me
confusion clutters my thoughts
a sickness is rising from deep within
death the only cure for this disease

I just want it to happen as quickly as possible. I want to be smaller right now, this instant and smaller still in the morning and smaller still until the old me barely exists in memory.

Each day life becomes a little more bearable.....
Each day a little more of myself dies and rots away...

never thought id feel so ashamed
wishing to pierc my flesh
pull the blade down
watch blood pour out

back where i started
living in fear
making excuses for myself
telling myself everyhting is ok

i want to curl up and die
dissapear
i wish i was never born
nothing but a worthless
piece of trash

whispers angst in broken syllables at the sky
electric words flung sporadically towards God
in a stream of random pleas
intensified by longing and need
contradicted by indignation
i am more than meets the eye
hungry for nothingness
starving for invisibility
disappearing in order to be seen
disappearing... to be found on the other side of reality
floating somewhere between myselves
searching, and finding cold confusion
drifting from life to life
finding solace in emptiness

I wonder what people see when they look at me.
I hear voices telling me I'm ugly, and perfection is a long way away.
I see knives covered in my blood
I want everything to be normal again, but not like it was before
I worry that people will take away the little that I do have, and ruin my life.
I cry whenever I realize that there are some mistakes you can't make right.
I understand it's easier to pretend than to be myself.
I say nobody can really understand anyone else.
I dream about finally being able to talk to someone and tell the truth, and not worry.
I try to make people believe I'm just like them.
I hope someday, somebody can do the impossible, and understand me.

Living a life of mystery and silence
Hiding from myself and from the world
Gazing at the blades and wanting them
Holding them in my hand as I almost make a cut
Putting it down just in time
Not going to cut anymore I say
Just want the pain to be released
Taken out of me once and for all
Falling down deeper into my own hell
in my mind and in my soul the hole goes deap
Wanting to cry but the tears dont come
no more I say.........I will not fail this time
No more cutting no more scars
I want to be so thin and perfect
to feel light as a feather
You cant see the hatred and pain I feel
they took away my pride and my control
Failure and humiliation
One day I will be thin and free
perfect in every way
One day I will fade away
and you wont see me anymore.

rising from beyond the flames a darkness calls upon my name
like a rotting corpse calling to maggots
to eat away at the flesh
to make your skin crawl
to burn out your eyes
just as sure as the seasons change i will be there to watch you fall

I'm a Zombie in a Body
I don't feel anything anymore
The pain will not kill me
The crying will.
I would rather die than cry
I am used to the feeling of loneliness
I am used to having to deal with things on my own
I am forever alone.
Always alone

All I see here is endless pain. Death mocks us by not giving us what we really need - a quick and final end.
I don't believe anyone is truly happy now, maybe they never were. Everywhere you see people seeking pleasure, good times and fun. It gets crammed down our throats by the people who profit from it.
The only reason we seek these things is to keep us from seeing the truth. The truth is pain. If we stop running away and look at it we can't help but realize that it's the only certain thing you can expect in this world.
If you're not feeling it now, you will be, just wait. But, we won't stop to look around.

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