By: dawnm

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy. All Hail Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et al. Please don't sue me for trying to have a little fun.

Spoilers: Season 4 episode "New Moon Rising".

Rating: PG

Summary: Season 4. Buffy's POV.

Author's Note: Lyrics are from "Stupid Girl" by Garbage.

Feedback: I'd love to hear what you think of the story. This is my first attempt at writing first-person perspective and first try with Buffy's POV. Feel free to email me anytime with comments or questions. Email: [email protected].

Stupid Girl

Willow just left. She accused me of freaking out. She's right. I am freaked. I just keep lying here, listening to this song over and over again.

It's fitting really. I've taken stupid to a whole new level.

Don't know why I bother to fake it. It hasn't worked well for me. Riley is proof of that. I can't believe I went out with that guy. He is such a small-minded jerk. I almost decked him last night when he was mouthing off about Willow, insinuating that she was somehow less in his eyes just because she dated a werewolf.

One thing's for sure, its over between us. I'd rather be dead than spend another minute with that guy. Of course, with the way I feel right now, I might just rather be dead anyway.

I did. I wasted my chance to be with the one person that really matters. I didn't know I had a chance until today. When Will told me about Tara, that's when it hit me.

I've known that I was in love with her for a long time. After Oz left, I had my chance. I should have told her. Instead, I spent all of those nights in Riley's bed, faking, while she was here alone.

Do you know how hard it is to look at Riley Finn and picture an adorable redhead?

It's hard�but not impossible. Trust me, I know.

When I was with him, I would close my eyes and picture her face. The way her green eyes sparkle. The way she laughs. The smile that saps my slayer strength and takes my breath away.

Why didn't I just tell her?

"Buffy?" I didn't hear her come in. I thought she was with Tara...

Still Stupid

Damn lousy slayer senses. Why didn't I hear her come in? I throw my arm over my face, trying to duck and cover before she notices the tears that I know I've been crying.

"Are you okay?" She asks. The concern in her voice makes it hard to breathe. "Are you crying?" Somewhere inside, a part of me is laughing at the fact that I can't seem to hide anything from her. I'm lost in my thoughts, wondering what she's doing here, when I feel her hand on my arm. The touch causes me to jump and she pulls her hand away. At some point, my arm moved and I can see by the worried look in her eyes that my face must be a mess.

"I'm okay. Just a hard day." I tell her, trying to smile. She's looking in my eyes, trying to see into me. Everything I feel is so close to the surface, all of my own personal misery that I've been wallowing in. I turn away, hoping she doesn't see.

"No, Buffy. You're not okay. You're really not." She says knowingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?" A million thoughts run through my mind but I can't make sense of any of them. I don't know what to say.

A minute later, I hear her gasp and she launches off the bed. I've been avoiding eye contact since she came in, but now I have to look. She's backing away with this scared look in her eyes, like maybe I just hit her. But I didn't. Now I'm scared. What happened?

"Will?" That's all I can say. Eloquent as ever. I'm off the bed and moving toward her, but she keeps shaking her head, backing up until she crashes into the wall. She sinks to the floor and I see the tears in her eyes. I made her cry.

I drop at her side and reach out to her. As soon as my hand touches her knee, she jerks it away and looks up at me. The pain in her eyes knocks the air out of my lungs. "Will, what's the matter?" I ask, my voice bordering on frantic.

"You�" She says and I know even from the one word that it's an accusation.

"What? What did I do?" I ask in a shaky voice.

"You lied. Earlier. You are freaked." She says between sobs. "We were best friends. I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?"

And I finally get it.

"What?" I ask a bit too loudly. She looks up at me and I shake my head. "No, Will. No. A thousand times no." I try to make her understand that it's not what she thinks. I'm not upset that she's interested in a girl. It's the not me part that's hard to take.

But I can't tell her that. I'm thinking all of this when I realize she's up on her feet again and almost out the door. And she's crying even harder now if that's possible.

Slayer speed. I've got it and I used it, somehow managing to block the door just as her hand reached the knob. Then her words hit me like an instant replay.

'I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?'

And then my response. 'No, Will. No. A thousand times no.'

GOD, I'm an IDIOT!

"I mean yes. YES, I can accept it. No, it doesn't bother me." I blurt out. She looks at me confused and I can see in her eyes that she doesn't believe me. She really thinks I'm abandoning her because she likes a girl? I take a deep breath, trying to think of a way to convince her. Then my mind registers the music still playing, the same song still repeating. I look over at the CD player in disbelief. It's taunting me I think.

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