Jokes
10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead
compartment
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
Things Not To Say to Your
Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, "cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the
ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't
come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching
her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
> dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family
bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.)
Q. What do mid-western girls
say during sex?
A. Your crushing my Marlboros dad.
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- it will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
§ television,
§ penicillin,
§ polio shots,
§ frozen foods,
§ Xerox,
§ contact lenses,
§ Frisbees and
§ the pill.
There was no:
§ radar,
§ credit cards,
§ laser beams or
§ ball-point pens.
Man had not invented:
§ pantyhose,
§ air conditioners,
§ dishwashers,
§ clothes dryers,
§ and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
§ man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every
family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older
than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
with a title, "Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual
careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the
Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know
the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take
responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living
in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people
ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along
with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family
spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.We
never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or
guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out
listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it,
it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school
exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5
&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a
nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new
Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11
cents a gallon.
In my day:
§ "grass" was mowed,
§ "coke" was a cold drink,
§ "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
§ "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
§ "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
§ " chip" meant a piece of wood,
§ "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
§ "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say
there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the
same time.
This Woman would be only 58 years old!
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Was today really necessary?
In theory, everything works.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Your lucky color has faded.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
Ever wonder what your partner is
really saying?
Here is what they say, and what it really means:
Did you come? == Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. == Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs
than see you again.
Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.
I love you. == You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. == Next!
I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.
I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.
I still think about you. == I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* == Aren't you done yet?
How did the blonde die drinking
milk?
The cow stepped on her.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
You're not playing fair at all
I'm really now upset with you
For giving your distorted view
You show my hair is turning gray
It's just the way the shadows play
I know that you're not hanging straight
To make me look so over weight
The way you show a double chin
Is just the way the light comes in
I think I'm fine, but you're so wise
To put such accent on my thighs.
I wish you'd try to be my friend
And tell me I'm a little thin
Just tell me I look good in jeans
And frilly shirts and pretty things.
Please don't let the wrinkles show
I'd like to have a pretty glow
I see you won't respond at all
So I'll just tear you off the wall.
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. DON'T disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo field of all your checks write, "For Sexual Favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the Prophecy."
8. don't use any punctuation or capital letters
9. As often as possible, Skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To-Go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because "You're not in the mood."
16. have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, like, "Rock Hard".
17. When money comes out of the ATM scream, "I WON! I WON!"
18. when leaving the Zoo, start running for the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, THEY'RE LOOSE!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, We are going to have to let one of you go."
And, the final way to keep a healthy level of sanity.........
20. Copy, and send this to someone to make them smile.... It's called Therapy!!
1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.
3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
4. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits or the world to revolve around him.
OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8. Q Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts
9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down! "So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN
WOULD EVER SAY
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Murphy's Laws On Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
I work at great depths in a damp environment in high temperatures I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends or holidays off I don't get paid overtime, I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, we reject your request for the following reasons:
You cannot work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working..
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
Forget those "human" pet books that attempt to explain the meaning of cats. To find out what your kitty is really about, you need a "pussycat primer", a "tabby tell-all", a "feline for foreigners" - in other words, a "Cat-tionary."
These closely guarded terms (cats don't want humans to know everything), have recently been made available to the cat-owning public. We wanted to share them with you!
Catacomb: Grooming device for Kitty. Good for removing cat-a-mats.
Catapult: What happens when the catacomb gets caught in the cat-a-mats.
Catnip: What Kitty will give you if you "pull" too hard with the catacomb.
Catamount: Any perch in the house, higher than a human's head.
Catcall: Signaling device used to open doors, fill food bowls and receive undivided attention.
Catty-corner: A good place to keep the litter box.
Caterwaul: What sometimes gets hit instead of the litter box.
Catkin: The results of an unaltered cat.
Cat's Cradle: Where Kitty sleeps, such as any bed, sofa, or other warm, comfy spot in the house.
Catwalk: Kitty's daily exercise routine, consists of short trips to the food bowl (with occasional detours to the catty-corner).
Catalog: Useful outdoor scratching post.
Catalyst: Litter, cat food, treats, toys, etc. What humans use to shop for Kitty with.
Catgut: Essential internal part of the cat, requires filling on an hourly basis.
Catsup: Mealtime. It fills the catgut.
Catnap: What cats do when they are not cat supping.
Category: The icky stuff that Kitty leaves on the porch step after eating the outside of a mouse.
Caterpillar: The lady in the white coat who says, "Now swallow the medicine like a good Kitty."
Catalyze: What Kitty tells you when you find the broken vase. "Meow - it was the dog, I swear it!"
Cataract: What the house looks like if you leave Kitty alone for too long.
Catatonic: What humans drink after seeing the house.
Catastrophe: An award Kitty receives for having the most beautiful behind.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent: 12 Carbs
Without her consent: 2187 Carbs
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands: 8 Carbs
With one hand: 12 Carbs
With your teeth: 485 Carbs
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection: 6 Carbs
Without an erection: 4315 Carbs
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs
Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs
POSITIONS:
Missionary: 12 Carbs
69 lying down: 78 Carbs
69 standing up: 812 Carbs
Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs
Doggy Style: 326 Carbs
Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs
ORGASMS:
Real: 112 Carbs
Fake: 1315 Carbs
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs
Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years: 36 Carbs
30-39 years: 80 Carbs
40-49 years: 124 Carbs
50-59 years: 1972 Carbs
60-69 years: 7916 Carbs
70 and over: Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly: 32 Carbs
In a hurry: 98 Carbs
With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs
With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs
PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!
roses are red, pickles are
green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style I like your class
but most of all I like your ass
You're sitting at the table and you're on the cover of Forbes.
Your son is on the box of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
11/21/04
DEATH OF THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
IT IS WITH THE SADDEST HEART THAT I PASS ON THE FOLLOWING NEWS. PLEASE JOIN ME IN REMEMBERING A GREAT ICON OF THE ENTERTAINMENT
COMMUNITY. THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DIED YESTERDAY OF A YEAST INFECTION, AND COMPLICATIONS FROM REPEATED POKES IN THE
BELLY. HE WAS 71. DOUGHBOY IS SURVIVED BY HIS WIFE, PLAYDOUGH, TWO
CHILDREN, JOHN DOUGH, AND JANE DOUGH, WHO HAS A BUN IN THE OVEN. HE IS ALSO SURVIVED BY HIS ELDERLY
FATHER, POP TART. DOUGHBOY WAS BURIED IN A LIGHTLY GREASED COFFIN. DOZENS OF CELEBRITIES TURNED OUT TO PAY THERE
RESPECTS, INCLUDING MRS. BUTTERWORTHS, HUNGRY JACK, THE CALIFORNIA
RAISINS, BETTY CROCKER, THE HOSTESS TWINKIES, AND CAPTAIN CRUNCH. THE GRAVE SITE WAS PILED HIGH WITH
FLOURS. AUNT JEMIMA DELIVERED THE EULOGY AND LOVINGLY DESCRIBED DOUGHBOY AS A MAN WHO NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH HE WAS
KNEADED. DOUGHBOY ROSE QUICKLY IN SHOW BUSINESS, BUT HIS LATER LIFE WAS FILLED WITH
TURNOVERS. HE WAS NOT CONSIDERED A VERY SMART "COOKIE", WASTING MUCH OF HIS DOUGH ON HALF BAKED
SCHEMES. DESPITE BEING A LITTLE FLAKY AT TIMES, HE STILL, AS A CRUSTY OLD
MAN, WAS CONSIDERED A ROLL MODEL FOR MILLIONS. THE FUNERAL WAS HELD AT 3:50 FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.........
Added before 11/21/04
THINGS WOMEN SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK
1.. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you.
2.. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3.. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4.. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5.. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6.. Do I look like a people person?
7.. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8.. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9.. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10.. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11.. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12.. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13.. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14.. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15.. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16.. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17.. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18.. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19.. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20.. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21.. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22.. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23.. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24.. Earth is full. Go home.
25.. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26.. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27.. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28.. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29.. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
You might be a redneck if....
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the
kids in the backseat.
If you've ever fixed a broken coil primary wire on a car with a safety pin
off your date's bra strap, and didn't think the date was unusual.
If you've got a matching set of salad bowls that all say "cool whip" on
them.
If you take the Christmas lights on the front porch down in November, and
only long enough to get them working again.
You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work.
You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun.
Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen.
You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion.
Your coffee table is also a cooler!
Your mailing address includes the word "holler".
The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover
charge.
You've sold a car to settle a bar tab.
The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet.
You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl.
If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
If you have ever used a barstool as a walker.
If men ruled the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be
celebrated every month.
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night
Football From A Different Camera Angle."
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
11/12/04
DON'T
SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END...IT'S PRICELESS!
>A
woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
>noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short
distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand
her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and
said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is
it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The
woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired
further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman
answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when
the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between
the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."
A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man Love,
To forgive him and Patience, For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength I'll just beat him to death.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2.
Ahhhh, It's cute.
3.
Why don't we just cuddle?
4.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
5.
Make it dance.
6.
Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
8.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
9.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10.
Oh no ... a flash headache.
11.
(giggle and point)
12.
Can I be honest with you?
13.
How sweet, you brought incense.
14.
This explains your car.
15.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16.
Why is God punishing me?
17.
At least this won't take long.
18.
I never saw one like that before.
19.
But it still works, right?
20.
It looks unused.
21.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23.
Are you cold?
24.
If you get me real drunk first.
25.
Is that an optical illusion?
26.
What is that?
27.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28.
Does it come with an air pump?
29.
So this is why you're to judge people on personality.
30.
I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
Tazer gun
This came for one of the groups but I just had to add it to my page
This is the
funniest e-mail I have ever read in my life.
I laughed so hard that I cried! It's a little long, but worth it!
Dear Friends,
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled
in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of
these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee
. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I
was
home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
fraction
of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after
all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against
a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say," don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed
me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side
in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours
truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two
I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kind of hairy, and
handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Types of Sex
SOCIAL
SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I
don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when
you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for
"medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
A few things a would Dog say.
9.
"MMMMM...I see a yummy-looking bit of chocolate on the corner of your mouth!"
8. "I'm taking Proctology 101 at P.U. (Pooch University) and I need a subject"
7. "Oh Pleeeeeze say YOU'LL take me for a walk...my teeth are floating!"
6. "Lemme give you the old "Hi, I'm Friendly-Pooch" and maybe you'll scratch my belly!"
5. "Help! They've said the "V" word again (Vet)...pleeeeze hide me!"
4. "Hey, you're nose looks like a squeaky toy!"
3. "Taste this gross food they're feeding me - maybe they'll listen to YOU!"
2. "'Member me? I used to be shorter than you!"
And the #1 reason why your dog jumps up on your guests:
1. "Please hide me! I just threw up on the cat!"
Buying the Cow
For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,.... Just to
get a little sausage.
