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Moon Phase = I've yet to figure it out still | Weather = Sunny, slightly cooler
with prospect of rain...Yay! | Current books = none!
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July 28, 1998
The Powerball is up to $250,000,000. They say that if you choose the lump sum payment, you get $131,000,000 - after taxes and everything. I can't even conceive that much money.
I spent the day painting...so far there are two in progress - a goddess painting and a writer spider on its web.
I am loathe to voice my thoughts right now - but isn't that what a journal is for? I began this journal to figure out just who and what I am and if I don't voice my thoughts, that won't happen now will it? (I'd hate for my mother to be right and discover that this whole thing is nothing more than 20s angst.)
I pulled a topic out of my journal jar - 'Leaving'. It figures.
It's very hard for me to admit that I have been very nearly a hermit for the last year and a half. I've been in hiding. There. I've admitted it. My world has been considerably smaller. The last 17 or so weeks have been almost...daring - all those classes I've been taking. I don't know whether hiding is totally the correct word. It is only part of the picture. Healing definitely is also...and understanding...
I find that I am still dealing with shame, embarrassment and punishment - right down to the core of my being. I hate feeling this way. I hate going out and feeling as if everyone looks at me and either scorns or pities me. Questions also come up. Sometimes, the answers aren't pretty. Sometimes, when I think I have it down - the question changes. Waffling begins again.
Most of the waffling stems from the fact that I am changing - and that change has caused friction in some areas, with some people. (Why did start to type 'fiction'?) Am I willing to be true to myself - or to what other people think I am? I can honestly say that I want - and need - to be true to myself but sometimes, it's hard. It's especially hard when it comes down to this relationship.
Why do I stay? I've been asked this question before. I suppose somewhere deep down, I still hope that things will 'magically' correct themselves and this relationship I'm in will be alright. Truth is, it hasn't been alright for a very long time. Still - I am hopeful. I don't know why. Nothing I have done - or not done - has worked. I hate to quit anything. I hate being so...typical. Are all the answers are right in front of my eyes and I'm blind to them? After all, I still feel as if I was just dropped off at this house and left dangling without nary a word.
I still don't really know if I'm actually getting to like this place that I have found myself living(?) in or if I am simply getting acclimated to it. Yes...yes, I know what I've said in the past. I do feel alive and connected when I'm digging and planting...still, I feel so exposed when I walk out the door. So many other humans so close by - it drives me crazy. I can't really say that I've been living much either - existing is a better word. Stuck in a holding pattern...
Good night, Sweetie - I'm going to feed Kitt. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get a life.
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