This is not reading for the faint of heart or those who would whitewash the emotions of pure unadulterated disbelief or grief. Please forgive any cursing noted, but all here is accurate reactions and at the very least, purely and emotionally honest.

My Journey through Grief

Monday, April 5, 1999-Journal entry
I should have been on the road to a couple of customers but I awoke early, got lunch made for my husband, made a few early phone calls to get my orders done and then did my devotions. I've been doing art devotions- this day was a cross with a shadow, a heart and paths to the cross. The heart was a multitude of bricks representing the multitude of sins we all possess. The devotion was great, peaceful and pleasant. I went for a bike ride on my "new" (used) 10-speed bike which rode beautifully. The wind was wonderfully exhilarating in my ears. I felt pretty good. I got home and began to work in the gardens, pulling weeds.
My pager went off with my mom's number, so I called and my sister was crying and said come to mom's quick. I asked why and she said, "just come quick, please!" I jumped in my Bronco II and with my cell phone called again and got mom and knew then it wasn't mom. She said my sister was hysterical and couldn't calm down, when I walked in, my neice was on the couch crying and Mom and my sister were in the bedroom bawling. I finally got them to tell me what was wrong and they said, "David's dead." I put the heels of my hands to my forehead and doubled over as though I'd been punched, and cried out, "No, God, No, God damn it, David, no!" I can't recall another time I ever hurt worst.
The next few hours consisted of plans and demanding answers. No answer was satisfactory at the time. Mom came home with me, the next morning very early we would leave for Dave's home. That night I slept in the hammock outside and stared at the sky, the tears flowed as my heart ached for my loss and all my family's pain. And somehow I wanted answers to questions I knew I'd never get until my turn to join David came.

Wednesday, April 7, 1999-Prayer Journal entry
Oh dear Lord, I have not been ok since Monday at noon, Lord. David, my beloved brother is dead. Heart failure in his sleep. Oh God, why? Oh Lord, I hurt from this! Father, of all my siblings, none would I wish to lose but Lord, David?! My big beautiful, wonderful, loving little brother who in all his struggles could not overcome demon alcohol. I know he's in a better place Lord, but I am selfish. I miss him dearly!

Saturday, April 10, 1999-Journal entry
What a circus at the funeral. Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends and melodramatics by the current girlfriend, I'm so disgusted. No respect for the family, except from a very few. I'm ever so grateful my mom and sister and her family didn't stay now. I sat in a corner and watched and cried. And I stared at Dave in the coffin and wished so badly this was all a bad dream. And before the service, Dad cleared the room out, and I got pictures. I realized suddenly, that never had I ever deserted anyone in my family, and that now David was forcing me to walk away without him anymore. Leave it to David to be the one to do that. As we departed from the room, I tried to hug Bruce but he was stiff, he looked like he'd break from his pain and I ached even more for him. I leaned over the coffin and kissed David's forehead and whispered goodbye. Oh God, that hurt!

Sunday, April 11, 1999-Journal entry
Leaving Bristol, after the race, driving through the mountains reminds me of how much Dave loved the mountains view. I quietly cry remembering his excitement when he first moved to Birmingham and saw the mountain views there. There's a huge hole in my heart now and I can't fill it up with anything but tears. Lord, I miss him. His stride, his surprises, his ways, his quirks, the debates, the multitude of brainstorms he could come up with. My heart just hurts- I feel like the foundation of my life has been cracked open now.

Monday, April 12, 1999-Journal entry
Dave's life was so empty- I know he felt it and ached and wanted a real life. He was always seeking something better. His real life ended when he and his first wife split up though. He kept a fragment of it all together each time his son visited but barely. It's so hard to believe it has happened. It's all such a nightmare. I feel like I'll be rambling and inconsolable for awhile to come yet, though. The tears are slowing down and then some little thing reminds once again and it's crying time again.

Saturday, April 17, 1999-Journal entry
I am barely hanging on, this cloud hangs over me with it's sadness, I can't concentrate, focus or seem to get motivated, seems like life is in disarray right now, and all I want is the days to go by and no one to do me any more harm or damage. It feels like a little part of me is dead too now.

Tuesday, April 27, 1999-Prayer Journal
Lord, everytime I think the healing is taking place, I get down in tears again. Everything in me is clogged with grief, Lord. I know it's for me Father and forgive me for my selfishness, please. Lord, I want to talk to David. I want him to hear me somehow, Lord:
David, did you know your lifestyle would cut you short? David, did you know your departure would cut my heart out, too? Did you know how many people - your family, your son, and first wife loved you so much? Love is letting go and if it comes back to you it's real, but you went too far, David, and now I can't have you come back. David, did you know you'd be leaving your son an empty place in his heart that no one else could ever fill? Oh, David, do you know now just how deeply truly loved, valued and cherished you were?
Father, let my life be a credit to you so that one day I may join him, not soon tho please, Lord.

Friday, April 30, 1999-Prayer Journal
I am tired, Lord. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Father, please take over, you know what I need and will provide, you know the plans for me, Lord, let me prosper within you Father, please, Lord, end this malaise and burden I feel inside.

Saturday, May 8, 1999- Journal entry
The cloud of grief seemed to lift briefly. I still wake everyday with the picture of Dave in the casket in my mind, of those roses and carnations on top, of the Rusty hat on his chest from his son. Damn, it's just a hole in my heart- like half of it gone and the other half will take over now and function somehow. I'm so incomplete now- no one to listen, to brainstorm, to make surprises with, no one who knew me so well and liked me anyway and even when I wasn't very likeable. Damn the tears had been gone for awhile (3 days now) and now they just sneak out with the realization again and again. The song Dave's son chose for the funeral plays over and over in my mind, Mark Wills' "Wish you were here, Wish you could see this place, Wish I could touch your face-" damn! I wish so badly Dave were here for his son, for my brother, for my mom, and sister and Dad! He was such a vital part of everyone's lives, a vital part of me and this heartache won't quit.

Sunday, May 9, 1999-Prayer Journal
The black cloud of despair has lifted and all that seems to be left is this deep sorrow left by his absence. But I am numb, joy doesn't seem to have a home in my heart anymore. Numbness scares me, it would be so easy to be numb again, but having worked so hard to really FEEL again, that doesn't seem like an option.

Tuesday, May 11, 1999- Journal entry
I am so empty- I am afraid I am headed for a breakdown. I am sleepless, exhausted, trembling, yet sleep is fitful. My dreams are full of tension and defeat. I feel beaten.

Sunday, May 23, 1999-Prayer Journal
Life is so overwhelming. There is so much to pray for and beg for and yet I know you know all, you are aware of all our needs, you hear us...everyone and all the requests. And Lord I will wait upon you.

Friday, May 28, 1999- Prayer Journal
Lord, yesterday was a meltdown for me- I've not come so close to letting go of this world for a very long time. The tears wouldn't quit. The shaky weakness inside me wouldn't stop. But Lord you are ever faithful to me, ever answering my prayers.

Saturday, May 29, 1999- Journal entry
The past 2 days have been hell, teary, total meltdowns of tears, headaches, just plain feeling rotten.

Tuesday, June 1, 1999- Prayer Journal
Today I admitted to my husband that I am in depression- it's true Lord. I'm weepy and shaky, my emotions run amok on me. Lord, the song says you are able. My psalm (27) says you are my light and my salvation. The bible says to trust you completely and I do, Lord, I really do. I know you are doing a good work in me and my family and it's not always comfortable, but Lord please cover us in your love, your light, your protection. I will wait upon you Lord, I will wait upon you.

Wednesday, June 2, 1999-Prayer Journal
Some days it feels like I'll be alright and life goes on all ok, and then something hits me and it's overwhelming. A big old motorhome today on the road took me back to my son's birthday one year and Dave got a motorhome to truck everyone up to Chuck E. Cheese for a party. What a thrill. What a night we all had with a bunch of tired out boys! And the tears well up when I remember Dave's laughter and smiles over the glee of the boys and his nephew. I don't think I'll ever be able to adjust to life without him.

Thursday, June 10, 1999- Prayer Journal
My heart has been and still is, heavy with the grief of losing David. Mom says we didn't lose him, and she's right but we really did lose him from this world for now. My other brother is here visiting with his family and it's so good to see them all. He's so beautiful! I ache for his extreme pain as he was the closest to Dave, just by being his brother. I often wish I'd had my life to choose over again, but I know Lord we don't get second chances to do it again... just try to do it better. David had it all and you took him away. Not much makes sense anymore, Lord, not much.

Monday, November 4, 2002 -Prayer Journal
It's been a while since I've posted here but a dream has haunted me to cause this post...
Dreams. Last night I dreamt David was alive. Me and Mom went to Atlanta & he was in a room with 2 other very old patients in a crowded little hospital room, but David had been comatose and catatonic w/o response in his bed. The man who oversaw the "home"/hospital told us he just couldn't let him just die so he'd been maintaining him- he didn't need life support, just regular shots and intravenous feeding. (Dave was sprawled out naked in the bed and exposed when we arrived. When I first saw him, I covered him up and the guy said,"He's a vegetable now, it doesn't matter." But it did to me in the dream.) It seemed so surreal and mom was happy but couldn't stand seeing him like that so I took her home.

But then the dream leaps and I've taken Dave hom to my home to care for him daily and heal the bedsores which he has now, particularly a nasty gash wound on his left thigh. but one day I go in and the visiting nurse is checking him and then bathing him and I'm helpin and he turns his back to Dave for a moment and I see Dave's eyes moving behind his lids. I keep watching and they pop open for a moment then close. I'm stunned and tell the nurse and he says, 'oh, that's possible, probably just a reaction.' I go back to washing and dressing the thigh wound and this time his eyes open and he's watching me. I stop and I'm saying, "Dave? Dave, can you hear me? Do you understand me?" He nods very slowly- and then say, 'Where am I?' He begins to move around in the bed stretching his limbs. I begin to cry. Sheer tears of joy but still more tears! Dave begins to recognize me and asks about Mom & where he is and the family and I say, "hold on, let me get a phone" and I call mom and say, "You've got someone to talk to" and the dream ends.

I wake up really thinking Dave's alive and I've got to go to Atlanta until I remember as I awake, Dave's dead. He's gone forever and he's really dead. And I hear his voice in my head and I think to myself, 'Why Lord? Why did Dave have to go?' And I don't know why I'm crying so hard or why this is vivid but it hurts all over again.

Monday, November 24, 2003 -Journal
Thanksgiving is approaching this week and once again, with the holidays, I remember you and wish so desperately you'll be here. A friend of mine died last week of the cancer she'd been riddled with and I wonder what it would be like to be with you again, be there in the Lord's presence and know nothing can ever hurt again, nothing can take us away from each other again. In my heart and mind, I rely so often on you, and know that were you still here, you'd have been my rock through all the struggles with mom's health this year. Bruce has stepped up beautifully though and it's been a sheer pleasure working with him together on everything. And Barb's been my advisor on all the meds with mom here... we're one heck of a team missing a primary teammate... even if you're never far from any of us every single day. Happy Holidays, David, we love you and miss you more than ever now.

To be continued...

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