i wud like ur advice about a problem that bothers me. i act like a dickhead all the time and hit on my best mate's bird. i also have some sort ov difficulty wid talking whereby i convulsively put my hand to my mouth as if talking thru a megaphone wid a stupid voice. i can't fink 4 myself either, i only buy clothes that my mates says are bad (good), and i copy my friend's clothing styles. i'm pretty much a complete twat really. i admitted i'm a stupid dickhead 2 my mates but i still feel like i'm universely disliked. if only i wasn't such a gayboy. can u help me kiran?
- C.
Kiran replies...
You're right, C, you really do sound like an fucking idiot. If I find out who you are I'm gonna kick your fucking head in you fucking dickhead. I fucking hate little dickheads like you. You fucking idiot, you expect me to help you? I'm not a fucking miracle worker you fucking moron. You fucking little shit, you make me sick. You better keep out my fucking way and keep out of your mate's fucking way otherwise you're in fucking trouble. Fuckin prick.
---------------------
Dear Kiran,
I need you help. I'm in in love with a 27 year married woman who think I'm 25. I've been talking to her on the internet and we get on so well. She's not happy in her relationship with her husband so we talk about that. Then the other day I realised I'm falling in love with her. Trouble is I'm 15 and she thinks I'm 25. She said she feels the same and she wants to meet me. I really would like to meet her but what if she doesn't like the real me? What should I do Kiran?
- Jar Angog
Kiran replies...
You stupid fucking prick. You shouldn't have got yourself into such a fucking stupid situation. I can give you some advice though. Fucking tell her you're 15 you silly bitch. If she says fuck off you fucking nobhead then so fucking what? It's not like it's gonna ever fucking happen for you anyway is it? Just fuck it, forget about it, stab it in the arse next time you talk to her and tell the fucking truth you fucking moron. Actually I don't give a flying fuck what you do, you fucking idiot. What kind of stupid name is Jar anyway you fucking dickhead, you think you're leader of the rastas or something? Fucking queer boy.
--------------------
Dear Kiran,
Recently, my nervo-sensory chip has informed my nucleus that I am unable to activate my hard drive. I am programmed to achieve large hard drive capacity but due to a malfunction sustained during masturbation I am only able to get a 1.5" floppy. I have tried calling technical support but they say they can't fix my my micro soft hamster-roboto-willy version 2.0 because it is not big enough to be eligible for a claim. Please can you help me with my very small problem. Meep meep, penetration baby, oh yeah.
- J-Fro
Kiran replies...
Haha, you fucking stupid twat. You're making me fucking laugh you stupid fucking idiot. I fucking hate laughing. Here's a bit of advice... Why don't you go outside and play 'hide and go fuck yourself' you fucking prick. You better stay out my fucking way or I'll beat the living shit out of you you fucking puff.
How do? It all started one day when I was 3 years of age and I was gallavanting amonst the birds and squirrels that livest on one of my nature reserves that daddy purchased for me, what. Twas the day of my birth, hence forth daddy brought gifts unto me in the open land where I played. He said unto me, "Daughter of mine, I bring you a purple PVC jacket which I boughtest thou from one's own establishment, namely Topshop." One thanked ones daddy and put on the shiny jacket, what. From that day forth one has never been able to remove its plasticy goodness from one's bosom. One tries to part with one's garments, yet one can't bear to lose the last remaining memory of one's childhood. One's male partner is at the end of his tether. Please repliest wench.
Toodle Pip,
- Thin L.
Kiran replies...
You stupid fucking bitch. It's fucks like you that make me want to rip a baby's fucking head off. Why don't you fucking stop licking your own fucking arse you fucking fuckface. Take your fucking jacket off or I'll slit your fucking throat you fucking jumped-up rich fucking dumbfuck. Fuck fuck FUCK. YOU FUCKING BITCH. Look what you made me do, that fucking stain will never come out you FUCKING WHORE.