The Death of Common Sense
Attention: people die when they eat the rat poison. I know, it may take a moment for reality to set in for you. But let’s take a deep breath and we will get through this. For those who aren’t quite on the same page as me, can we just reason our way through this? Alright then. We buy rat poison to kill (not injure... but kill) rats. When the rats eat the poison they die. Simple enough right?
America has placed common sense on the altar and sacrificed it to the stupidity gods. Now we live in a time when everything must be plainly spelled out in simple enough terms for Billy Bob, owner of Yall’s Mullet Sto, to grasp. If a two-year-old cannot easily understand something the person selling it has a 99% shot of getting a lawsuit on his hands.
Attention: your baby will be harmed if you close the stroller with the child inside. Again we have a real shocker. You know, this one might not actually apply to me, because my little cousin can bend himself at sharp angles in unnatural parts of his body. I can probably give this one a shot... no wait. What is this little tag? "Do not close with baby inside!" What the fuck? Yea, someone did just that.
I thought I remembered putting my tongue in one as a kid and being ok. Well that must mean that all kids do it. "Junior, go to town." Apparently everyone needs the warning of tongue plus toaster equals pain. Work with us people. I’ve got to wonder, what compels someone to tongue fuck a toaster? Are there any ideas from the readers? Does anyone know firsthand?
Let’s see. I have a wet cat, and a microwave. Now can someone please give me one good reason why that’s not a match made in heaven? ‘Nuff said.
Oh my God. There is definitely something wrong with the world. How is it that we don’t understand that a cup of hot coffee might for some strange reason be served hot? Why can’t we just put two and two together and assume that poison may have an outside chance of hurting us? Ovens are hot now? I just don’t understand the world.
However, it doesn’t stop at consumer appliances and aptly named poisons. No, our common sense has managed to pull the entertainment industry into its blood-sucking mouth. Yes, someone evidently didn’t realize that popular music might have profanity. So we have a warning label. Yay! Thank you Tipper, you saved me from accidentally exposing my child to something they know all about already. You are truly a Godsend.
Even video games aren’t safe anymore. I even remember the controversy that the classic game Doom caused. Now, who in their right mind wouldn’t assume that a game entitled Doom would be violent? It was the same case with another classic known as Mortal Kombat. So Tipper’s poorly executed campaign of censorship spilt over to video games. But now people are bitching that they don’t understand the ratings. Can you imagine someone dumb enough not to understand E is for everyone? I sure as hell can’t.
Hey everybody, is everyone ready for some more ratings idiocy? I sure am. A few years ago the adult rating system went through an "overhaul". The easily mistaken X rating was replaced by the simple NC-17 rating. Thank yah Jesus! X was far to complex, its four character cousin is so much simpler I can only say: can I get a amen? Can I? Evidently not, people must be too stupid to understand.
America, do me a favor. Whenever you don’t quite know if you can do something, do it anyways. Wait; make certain you never think before you put that hot dog bun that expired last April in your mouth. No matter what, never, ever stop to wonder whether or not roman candles, gasoline tanks, and a butane lighter mix well. Plunge right into whatever you want to do, and sue away all your worries after the fact.
Hello? Yes, right here. Did we all catch that the last paragraph was sarcasm? Did anybody at all catch that? Jesus Christ, will someone please give me a little help here? Think on your own for a minute. Can you do that just once? Dammit, this is like pulling teeth. Let’s just say that you should just use a little more common sense. Oh yea... never mind.