Stupid Question... Stupid Answer
"Okay class, just make sure that you remember this: there are no stupid questions." Well Mrs. Robinson, your first graders might know that but what they don’t know is this. There are no stupid questions, only stupid people. Everyone make sure that you remember to thank your elementary schoolteachers; they have done their part to ruin America, one stupid question at a time.
I for one am sick and damn tired of hearing Jimmy ask which bathroom is the men’s room. Well, maybe I’m not. It is kind of tough to figure out. They both are rooms, and they both have toilets in them. One does say men’s, but that must be there to throw us off. Luckily we have the little picture of the guy who doesn’t have a skirt on. But wait, no... that has to be a false lead too. Damn, who would have thought that simply entering a room to piss would be so complicated? I know, I’ll ask which is which.
"Excuse me, sir. Which bathroom is the men’s room?"
"The one that isn’t the women’s room."
"Which one is that?"
"The one on the left."
"Which one is left."
"The one opposite of the right."
"Oh... okay."
Holy fucking shit. We really need to drag people who ask questions like that into the street and drop a nice hard atomic knee bomb on their face. You know what, add a few backhands in for good measure and maybe, just maybe, they will learn their lesson.
Unfortunately, the police tend to object to us taking our own measures to remedy ignorance. So, when the world takes our atomic knee bomb away, we will lash back a different way. Americans who can think, join with me and give every stupid question a stupid answer. Perhaps then, if every time we hear a stupid question we mock the one who asked it, we can start to right the wrongs of Mrs. Robinson.
I was out to dinner one night and I heard this interesting exchange:
"Sir, what is in your pork sandwich?" One man asked his waiter.
"We use a delightful blend of spices and sauce on a sourdough bun to create a truly delicious sandwich," he responded.
"Well sure, but what kind of meat is in it?"
"Um... pork."
Good answer. Too late, but a good start. We need to shut these bastards down before they get going. "What is on a BLT?" "Bacon, lettuce, and tomato." Good, but they persist. "Can’t I get that with like some chicken?" "No." One word, no protesting. Walk away and allow them to ponder their stupidity.
"You know, I really want to know why my hand hurts when I put it in a fire. Why is that?" "Fire hot, hot burn." Sometimes complete sentences are more then the question justifies. Speak down to the asker. The more you can sound like a caveman, the better.
In fact, if you can get through your stupid answer by using no words at all, please do so. I have yet to see someone simply head butt someone and walk away. "what is a good way to hurt someone?" Perfect... I am chomping at the bit to get this one. Head butt, forearm shiver, and walk away. No words, plus you got to kick the living shit out of a moron. Ah, the sweet bliss of womping ass.
"If I were to break my arm, would it hurt?" Damn straight it would. You know, if you have to ask, I’m obligated to show you. Step right up and allow me to regulate on your arm.
The world would be such a better place if only we would have the balls to knock someone in the face for asking why it hurts not to breathe. If only I could plant my foot somewhere inside that guy’s ass I would be doing the world a favor.
So when you are confronted by that stupid question, do your duty. Step up to the plate and either pollywomp the cock-gobbler, or mock the piss out of him. Regardless of what you choose, make sure that all stupid questions get exactly what they deserve... a stupid answer.