Self Actualization Through Arson
Peter Wilkins, 34, spent a decade searching for his true calling in life. It wasn't until a trip to the amazon last week that he found what was missing in life. As luck would have it, he had a Zippo and a can of gasoline on hand, which he promptly used to start a tree on fire.
"I never knew fire spread so quickly," the now content man commented after the blaze spread to engulf hundreds of acres in a raging inferno. "I mean… whoosh, and it's burning like mad!"
"I've never been so proud of [Wilkins]," Freedom Wilkins, Peter's father, commented. "We spent 34 years raising him in Greenwich Village, and in one little moment it's all worthwhile."
The Wilkins family lived in New York City's Greenwich Village where they were active in a plethora of political and social issues. Both of his parents participated in the city's annual gay pride parade and spent time living in a revived Oneida community.
"If only corporate America hadn't suppressed Pete's pyromania… well (expletive) them!" Maria Wilkins followed up that comment with a long string of angry comments aimed at those in power.
"I'm gonna go back to the Amazon next month because I wasn't pleased how quickly the fire was contained. I mean, only 100 square miles? What the (expletive) is that?"
Wilkins played with his Zippo, and sneaked glances at his backpack, which smelled strongly of gasoline all through the interview. He went on to explain his plans to try to set the Congo, the Great Plains, and the entire country of China on fire.
"In a few weeks I leave for the Middle East. Let's just say that me and my lighter have some business to take care of there," Wilkins said with a gleam in his eyes that made him look like a kid in a candy store.
"That’s my boy… bringing fire to such underprivileged people… unlike those fascists in our government," Maria resumed her incoherent vulgar babbling.
"Who would have thought that I would find such joy in watching the simple, beautiful dance of flames over a building while being serenaded by those poor souls caught within. I have a plane to catch to Yellowstone National Park, self actualization… here I come!