As long as there has been crime there has been punishment. Allow me to take this time to say that we have taken the joys of legal whuppin’ away as we pussy out the penalties for crime. That is why I have proposed a few changes to the way we deal with our criminals.

Change number one: no more parole. Parole is a prime example of how we pussy out when it comes down to fucking over the guy to killed your brother. If you are sentenced to twenty years, serve twenty years. Simple, isn’t it. Plus our government no longer has to pay the parole officers so we can cut the deficit... win-win situation. So is parole gone.

Change number two: no more five thousand year sentences. Can someone please explain to me why it is necessary to make someone serve terms in the four digits? People are sentenced over a thousand years, but why? Why even one hundred years? We can make this whole damn thing simpler if only we said life in prison and stuck to our word.

Change number three: Bubba gets an easier life. This man ought to be celebrated and beaten senseless at the same time. Bubba turns a monotonous hell into a homosexual torture world where to be clean comes at the expense of your ass. Although I would normally prescribe a slow death of red-hot pokers, I commend Bubba. He is one of the few things that keep our prisons rough. So, that is why Bubba deserves a little bigger cell or something. Remember, we are rewarding his ruining of others lives, not the method he uses.

Change number four: prison needs pain. Serve your term out in boredom, okay. But how does mind-rending agony everyday for the rest of your natural life sound? It sounds pretty damn good to me. People still commit crimes all the time because they don’t have a sadistic man named Larry who is no stranger to spilling acid on their skin. Prison without Larry might be rough because of Bubba, but Bubba and Larry would make a vile team that should deter crime better than anything else would.

Change number five: the Arena. Our prisons are overcrowded. We can solve that problem easily by simply building the Arena. Every prisoner has the opportunity to enter into an every man for himself free for all of slaughter to win his freedom. Give the prisoners guns and design games for freedom. We release a single murderer into the public but dispose of hundreds of other burdens on society in the process.

Change number six: the death penalty. This, the crowning achievement of our penal system, needs a major overhaul. We have made this the most pussy of all and it makes me mad. I am sick and damn tired of humane executions. If someone did something bad enough to die, he did something bad enough to die harsh. Firing squad, hanging, beheading, drawing and quartering have all been shelved in favor of lethal injection. Boo that. It is about time we tie someone down, them in honey, and release a few thousand fire ants on their helpless body. That is a man’s way to execute.

Change number seven: prison needs to go. Yes that’s right. We can do away with prisons altogether if we only womp some serious ass when we need to. Everyone goes and sits in a little room for the rest of their lives. That pisses me off. We need variety, dammit. When will I hear of a guy who was sentenced to watch Star Jones shower? I want someone to have to endure the pain of having acid poured in his eyes or something.

America is pussing out and someone needs to step up and bring it to bear on some bastard in prison. They just have it too easy. Sometimes I just want to let someone feel a quick elbow drop just for whiling away their year in prison in relative comfort. Dammit all, why can’t we punish people the way they deserve anymore? It makes me sick.