Greetings world. Oh, wait, that sentence wasn’t actually a sentence; it was a fragment. I hope I haven’t offended any English teachers. Shit... I mean any instructors of the Anglo-Saxon language. Damn, I mean instructors of the most recent evolution of spoken and written language off of the Germanic language tree, traveling through the Anglo-Saxons, and ending up as it is now, English.

That, my friends, was a cluster fuck. Yes sir, if I wrote like that, this book wouldn’t even exist. Just look how something as pointless as "greetings world" was taken and turned into an entire paragraph. This just isn’t right. Probably there is an English teacher out there who has a very cynical view on life and takes my poor sentence badly, which was then compounded by the fact that I didn’t use the most politically correct title for his job.

Come on people. Join me in the political correctness revolution. Don’t spend your time worrying about offending someone just because you said the wrong thing. I’m damn tired of hearing crazy ass things like sanitation engineer. The garbage man just dropped out of school and can’t do anything but hurl waste in the back of a giant truck. This is something that needs to stop.

I’ve had plenty of political correctness in my day. Children cannot give religious valentines in public schools. Why the hell can’t an eight-year-old give another eight-year-old a card that says "Jesus loves you." I’ll tell you this, you would be a hell of a lot more pissed if I were to advocate that these children start dishing out cards that say "Hey baby, let me cover you in massage oils and give you a headboard-shattering fuck that will blow your mind." Yea I sure would rather my eight-year-old get a religious card rather than the second card.

Now, my fellow political correctness revolutionaries, let us all just get out some of those dam names, groups, and titles that assume that everything is an attack on them in some way. Are you ready, because this is going to take a while? Okay, here goes nothing: straights, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, transvestites, hermaphrodites, those born with no sexual organs whatsoever, nymphos, virgins, priests, nuns, monks, sages, Sufis, Qadis, whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, aboriginals, Native Americans, the Irish, the Germans (including any Nazis who still are wandering about), Japs, the Italians, Greeks, Brits, Pollocks, Serbs, Egyptians, Arabs, Africans, Eskimos (Inuit), Liberals, Conservatives, women, men, Jews, Catholics, Protestants, Hindus, Muslims, Jains, Buddhists, Confucians, Shintoists, Daoists, people who practices of ancient religions involving the sacrifice of virgins (and non-virgins), monkeys, cows, donkeys, asses, rats, mice, felines, canines, those who eat canines, PETA, hippies, sanitation engineers, walking vaginas, those whose nuts weigh more than their brains, and many more.

If I’ve offended you by not putting you into my grand old list, while sucks for you. Life sucks don’t it? And I’m glad I offended you, because you hypersensitive bastards are exactly what this revolution needs to put a stop to. Toughen yourself up, damn you. Just because you hear the term black doesn’t necessarily scream stereotype. I’m sure somewhere in the world, there is a white boy who can dance, or a different, non-center, whitey who can play basketball. So lets just drop the stereotypes and get to some equal opportunity mocking.

I just love the feeling of all of the people who read this and get offended. Really, I am. All that means is that I’ve struck some little shred of truth in all of my ranting. This is a good thing. That means that I’m closer to uncovering the secret to life. However, all of the annoying bastards who are running around slinging lawsuit after lawsuit at people for breathing wrong are only making life a bigger headache for the rest of the world.

Having to watch my back like a man who fucked a mob-boss’s wife is kind of stressful. I have to be constantly aware so that I don’t let my mouth talk unchecked and me piss off someone with Johnny Cochran as a lawyer. In case you are such a person, listen up, because this next sentence is for you. Fuck off, no one likes you. The entire world is at your legal mercy because if you decide that my clothing is offensive, you can just sue my ass and take my money. Likewise, if you slip and fall in front of the John Hancock Building you could sue them for not informing the world on the slipperiness of their sidewalks.

I could continue but why? We all know that the world has been sued so many times that it has become part of our culture. Please people, lets try to keep our stupid "you offended me" lawsuits to a minimum because they do nothing but harm. People who are suing the people who built their house for putting in a Kohler shitter, not a Delta shitter, tie up our courts. Seriously, this world is spiraling towards a legal hell, in which, nothing you say or do will be safe from litigation from some greedy bastard or another.

This is why I am leading the political correctness revolution. Join us... or we’ll sue.