A good manPETA
PETA. Now this is one of the greatest organizations on the planet. Their goals are admirable, their tactics perfect, and it is so personally rewarding to call myself a member. What? You didn’t expect me to be a member of PETA? Well that’s probably because you are expecting me to say that PETA is the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Well I hate to break it to you, but you are wrong. The PETA I am a proud member of is the true PETA, the PETA that was around far before some God damn hippies decided that their dog should get social security or some shit.
What is my PETA you ask? Well, remember this because it’s important. PETA is really People Eating Tasty Animals. Yes sir, I love animals. Cows give us the great thing we PETA members like to call steak, pigs give us the other white meat. I could go on, but just as long as you know what the true PETA is you are a step up on every other person around.
But now that I’m thinking about it, PETA flies in the face of everything PETA stands for, the true PETA that is. Those bastards are sitting around somewhere cramming tofu down their throats, fooling themselves that it tastes good, when really they are eating the equivalent of foam rubber. Food is supposed to taste good, and be rewarding to eat. Food was definitely not intended to be a chore to eat, something that you dread doing three or four times a day.
However, if I’ve offended any vegetables who are reading out there, I apologize. I eat plenty of your kind too. You taste good, but when put up against just about any type of meat you drop the ball. Big time ball-droppage. You know what, most fruits are better than you too. So just to make sure that I have all of the bases covered. Any fruit who is reading this, no offense, you are very tasty as well, especially strawberries.
Well PETA, I’ve got news for you: no one on Earth takes you seriously anymore. You have done so much stupid shit, in pursuit of stupid goals that you have lost any shred of dignity you had left. When you sue the Green Bay Packers for being named after a meat-packaging plant, or encourage underage college students to "drink beer, not milk" you have just shut yourself down. Now, when you try something that is actually admirable, such as stop the torture of innocent kitties, no one pays any attention. Way to go dumb-shits.
Seriously, I like animals, especially the nice, pet-type animals, and hunting cats... they are cool. And endangered species... I mean come on, somewhere in the world there is some ant that is shitting out the cure for cancer but we are ravaging its environment and killing it off. So there, a shred of environmentalism from me... enjoy it, you’re not gonna see it anytime soon again. But, when you chain yourself to a tree, and swear that you will die with the tree, then no one pays attention to your cause anymore... just the moron strapped to a tree.
If you want to be a vegetarian... be my guest. But don’t bitch at me for eating meat. I like it, I love it, I’m sure as hell not gonna change. So if I go to an Italian restaurant and order veal parmesan, don’t get up and leave, calling down some righteous fury from a god who is apparently aligned truly towards saving every living, breathing creature on the planet. If you do, not only will I lose any respect I may have had for you, I will think you are an idiot, which is worse.
Okay everybody, let’s all get ready to distribute an elbow-drop en masse. Yes sir, fruititarians need to receive a few from everyone who is still sane on this world. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s someone who doesn’t eat anything until it has fallen from the vine. So if you thought tofu was bad... try overripe bananas, or potatoes that have gone to seed. These are people that need to be saved from their own stupidity. They are torturing themselves... does anyone disagree? If you do, then you have just earned yourself a backhand.
Okay, now the bit-‘o-respect from me. If you are a member of the fake PETA, and haven’t already picked up your pen to write me some hate mail, good. You get a little applause for not being like your pacifist-militant friends.
ALERT: this is a very important thing for you to remember. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions... however wrong they might be.
A good man