The men’s room, a sanctuary for us men. This great room is a harbor in the storm, someplace where we are safe from everything. A man and his throne, or maybe his pisser, either way he shouldn’t be disturbed as he does his thing. Unfortunately, some men just don’t have their grips on the fundamentals of men’s room etiquette. So, if you are reading this and asking "what the hell is going on here? What is men’s room etiquette?" Listen up, because I’m talking to you.

As you walk into a men’s room, there are certain things that you should keep in mind beofre you get excited, whip it out, and start pissing randomly. We know that you are excited, but lets keep it under control for just a few more moments. Okay? Be sure to check the number of men occupying the room, the size and layout of the room.

First and foremost are the occupants. This simple fact holds major ramifications on your next move. Should you wander yourself into a men’s room without any other men in it proceed to step two. Choose a pisser, but wait. Not until you count the number of pissers there are.

Three pissers? Four? Five? Two? Well figure it out (I know this counting thing is tough but stick with me). So anyway, lets say there are three pissers, do the world a favor, have pity on the poor soul who comes in while you are pissing, pick a pisser on an end.

Why? Because that is the first commandment of Men’s Room Etiquette. Thou shalt not put thyself directly next to another man while at pissers unless forced to by volume. So by picking the center pisser, there is nothing that the guy can do to avoid breaking the first commandment. You have far more freedom to choose if there are more than three pissers.

What if there are only two? That is a very good question. In this horrible situation you are forced to break the second commandment. Thou shalt piss in the pisser, and shit in the shitter, do not cross thy waste receptacles unless there are only two pissers and one is occupied. But this is okay... the second commandment does not carry nearly as much weight as the first.

The simple existence of such two-pisser men’s rooms is a testament to us men allowing women, gay guy’s or complete and total morons design what should be a man’s domain... his bathroom. If anyone at least knowledgeable of the first commandment would never even dare to put only two pissers in one men’s room. Unfortunately, this is a problem that is not too uncommon for men to encounter in their lives.

Onto the shitter. This is truly the last sanctuary of a man. If there is no peace for a man when he is on his throne, then there is very little that this cruel world has left sacred. The third commandment: Thou shalt not disturb a man when he is atop his shitter. Obey this rule unless forced by fire, exposure to Ebola, invasion by Dr. Phil’s armies, or nuclear war. The fourth commandment involves the sanitation of the shitter. Thou shalt not willfully shat upon the seat, nor the handle, nor thy hands... thou shalt use toilet paper to its fullest extent. Do it... and we (men as a collective group) will be forced to regulate.

The fifth commandment is as important as any of the throne-related commandments. Thou shalt not leave thy load floating in the shitter. Flush thy shit down... or pay. I’m not kidding you. Nothing is worse than having a Star Jones sized load of crap and running into the stall to find it full of diarrhea. And trust me... don’t even ask what your punishment would be.

Commandment the sixth: Wash thy hands as though they have touched Rosie O’Donnel. There are few things more creepy than that evil woman, (cough*man*cough) and if you imagine Rosie doing a little dance on your hands, you should wash them until they are raw... take a few layers of skin off. The seventh commandment is related: Thou shalt not touch the door handle with thy bare hand. Don’t do it... it completely negates any hand washing you may have done.

So as a recap the Seven Commandments of Men’s Room Etiquette are as follows:

1. Thou shalt not put thyself directly next to another man while at pissers unless forced to by volume.
2. Thou shalt piss in the pisser, and shit in the shitter, do not cross they waste receptacles unless there are only two pissers and one is occupied.
3. Thou shalt not disturb a man when he is atop his shitter
4. Thou shalt not willfully shat upon the seat, nor the handle, nor thy hands... thou sh
5. alt use toilet paper to its fullest extent.
6. Thou shalt not leave thy load floating in the shitter
7. Wash thy hands as though they hath been loved (you know what I mean) by Rosie O’Donnel
8. Thou shalt not touch the door handle with thy bare hand.

 

A bank of pissers that's at least a decent size.