Alright world, it's time for me to call all you fucktards out. I speak for all of my revolution when I say that I am sick and damn tired of dealing with all of you. However, I will give you all one warning shot across your collective nose before I commence with destroying you. The average fucktard is far too stupid to realize their own fucktard status... and such I will point you out to yourselves, and the begin ravaging you long hard and awful.

Fucktard number one, stand and be recognized. You are officially any and all of you bastards who intentionally fake being drunk, high, smashed, whatever. News flash: we all know when you are faking, and we all HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD FUCKING IMAGINE! Clear? Obviously not, so her comes your punishment... ready? Of course not, you're a fucking fucktard, but here goes: you will systematically consume lots, and lots of drugs or alcohol. When you are really drunk, then we (the entire non-fucktard people) will throw things at you until you cry a damn bucket full of tears. Hard things, and lots of them... so get ready for it.

Fucktard number two, you are no less a fucktard than the first, it's time. Anyone who drives slow, then fast, then slow. DAMMIT, pick a fucking speed you rat fucking bastard! And if the decision is too hard, I'll personally lash your face to your steering wheel and send you into a brick wall... that way you get to experience firsthand the fun of an airbag going off. Also in this group, are the slow drivers, and by slow I mean the people who drive under the speed limit. I understand that some people can't afford to pay for speeding tickets, myself included. But, is the damn popo really going to pull your ass over for going 45 in a 45? Shit.

Fucktard number three... the popo themselves. Not just any popo, the traffic, Waukesha popo. These fuckers have no real crimes to bust so they hassle teenagers and people who roll through stop signs. If you want to be a popo, go to a real city, and be a real popo, because all the pole-smoking country popo are punishing themselves enough by ramming cows and blowing goats every night. Wait… not enough, because these masters of hassle, and champions of in the closet fucking of animals need their daily fix of sticking razor blades up their loose little assholes, and they'll get it by continuing to be the fucktards they are.

Fucktard number four... <shudders in disgust> any and all people who think that animals were put on this earth to do anything but two things: 1 be eaten, and 2, be turned into nice clothing... especially jackets. Fake PETA, this is all yours. And you know what you fuckers are getting'? You're getting a nice, all expense paid trip, to a green, gigantic human hunting preserve. There you can run all you want, until you get shot by someone who thinks you are nothing more than an animal loving... well animal. Just think... step, step, step, look over shoulder, BOOM. Have a nice fucking day.

Five... think you know who you are? Well you are goths, or skinheads. And you know something? Anyone who thinks its cool to either carve swastikas into their foreheads, or dress in all black while worshiping the devil and sacrificing people to their dark gods, are in need of one thorough beating. I think we can give it to them. Everyone get out your goth-womping sticks, and your anti-Semite Jewish pain-bringing weapons of Hitler destroying fury... and lets get down to business. If you have neither of those two things, a simple whoopin' stick will suffice, as long is you bring a boatload of pain to these sniveling little devil's butt toy bastards.

Six, terrorists, if what my countrymen have been doing to you for the past year or so isn't enough, we are prepared to join the fray and show you what the cost of fucking with America. What do you say to a shave, a trip around Amsterdam, and then off to San Francisco, where I'm sure that all of the... ahem, 'residents', there will be happy to show you what it means to be free to enjoy sodomy legally.

Damn the unbathed. This isn't the twelfth century people, it isn't like it is too tough to find clean water, and douse yourself in it. Find a fucking shower, and stand under it for five minutes. If you really want to get your ass off the list and back into society, then pick up a bar of soap, use it... it's not hard. Shampoo doesn’t hurt, but I suppose if you are taking the first baths of your life, then we don’t want to try too much too soon. I don’t want to be the one who ended up killing you because you were TOO STUPID TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER! Sweet Jesus, every last one of you who don’t shower are going straight to jail, do not pass go, do not pick up tape for your asshole. And the soap in prison is notoriously slippery. Oh shit... Bubba, you are needed in cellblock F, fresh meat.

Cubs fans... yes, Cubs fans. Fuckers, you all suck and I hope you know that your team will never win a World Series and I hope that every year you do really well, but then have the playoffs yanked out from in front of your face. Meanwhile, you can bask in the reflected glory of, well the rest of the nation's sports because they are all better than your pitiful showing... except for Cincinnati. They are barely worthy of noticing as sports teams they are so bad. Stupid FIBs, ha ha, FIBs.

I would like to conclude by saying this: you have been warned. Take steps to get your ass out of one of these groups, and you will be spared. Oh, you don't believe me you sheep pube? Well then, try me... I dare you.

While I'm not necessarily condoning capital punishment, some people simply need to be shown the path to not pissing the world off. If that path involves some bludgeoning, being mauled by vicious bears, or perhaps even being set upon by a pack of rabid amputees, then that’s just what we have to do.