Women are great, especially when they are going out with you. But everyone knows that dread moment that comes at the end of most relationships... the breakup. And I have more than a few things to say about this. There are things done which should never be done, and things said which never should be said. And all is done in the vain pursuit of shit-canning someone without hurting their feelings.

Think about it. Could I come up with a bigger oxymoron? Not without putting way too much energy into it. Shit-canning without hurting, now there’s a concept. "I know we’ve been going out for a few months now and I really don’t think that it’s working out, but it’s really not your fault." All I have are two words: bull shit.

Here is a typical situation: women get a lot, but bitch about what they don’t get, yet men get shat on situation. We give presents, open doors, give up coats during freezing weather, buy dinner, and all to gain the appreciation of a woman. But when it comes to the breakup, when men drop the axe, we get branded as an asshole. The girl goes and cries to her friends and they support each other by ripping on the evil bastard of a man who wanted out of the relationship.

But when a woman drops the axe, men get completely ignored. It’s over, the girl’s happy, and man got shat on. And it all comes down to the fact that we men ravaged when it comes to the breakup. Well it’s about damn time that someone notices the people with the balls during the breakup.

The key point in a woman-instigated breakup comes with the wording. Picture this, you really like this girl, but all out of nowhere you get axed. While you are preoccupied by being sad, the girl confuses you further by pulling some line out of her ass. It is here where the girl knocks you out, because after the line, there is no coming back. Down for the count, the champ wins again.

1. It’s not you... it’s me.

2. I’m just not at that point in life right now.

3. I don’t think that I’m ready just yet.

4. When I look to the future I just don’t see this panning out.

5. Let’s be friends.

6. I don’t want to hurt you, but this just isn’t working.

7. I don’t feel that way about you anymore.

BULL SHIT. All of these lines just knock the reeling man down and keeps him pinned until he doesn’t care anymore. And it is all because the girl doesn’t want to be hung up on your feelings anymore so likes to think that by blaming the end of the relationship on herself will be all we need not to be hurt.

Well allow me to be the first to say FUCK THAT. If a girl can tell guys that "It’s not you... it’s me," I want men to be able to break up with girls and not get a bad name. I mean its not like we’re telling you... "Fuck off, you just aren’t sucking it good enough." Come on now. We don’t say that, you shouldn’t say what you say.

In fact your damn lines probably have a negative effect. Seriously, because then we know that not only are we getting cut loose, we are being lied to. Damn, bull shit is rough to take.

Men don’t have bull shit lines. We just kinda lay it out there and take the punishment that comes because of it. However, I have put together a list of lines that we forward thinking, masculinist, male-chauvinist pigs can use to break off a relationship gone sour.

1. Go to hell.

2. Why don’t you do the world a favor, run off and go play a spirited game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?

3. I’ve got an idea... you can go to your friends and talk about how big of a bastard I am, because I don’t care enough about you to bull shit my way through this.

4. It has been a long time, and I still haven’t gotten to fuck you... so I figure I’ll have more luck elsewhere.

5. I hope you enjoy being alone, because that’s what you are now... bitch!

6. You know your sister...

7. I’ve always liked your mom...

8. You see I came over to your house and there was some sort of a party with all these chicks there and...

8. Well you see... I met this girl that doesn’t weigh twice as much as me.

10. You know, when I have a bigger rack than you there really is a problem here.

Well I say this. God Damnit, we aren’t assholes for being honest. I mean just think about it for a moment. By not bull shitting all over you, we are giving you the reason we are breaking up with you. For instance, if you smell like a rotting carcass, you will know and can try to fix the problem. But if we just say something like "It’s really me, not you," we screw you over. You’ll go on wandering about sporting your Death, by decomposing flesh scent and never know about it.

There, that should be enough lines to tide you over for a few girlfriends. But if you are ever in need of a particularly tough one for her to swallow you can always sit her down and calmly tell her that her vagina is just plain old scary. Don’t be afraid to leave out the part about how this Swedish stewardess that you saw last week is so much better looking than her.

To all you girls that are reading this don’t hate me because I write this. In fact, I would appreciate it if you didn’t hate me at all, but just know that at least what I have here is honest. It may be brutally honest, but it sure as hell isn’t bull shit.