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       Cross & Star
     by David Johns & Roma Kameel

David and Roma wrote this screenplay in the winter of 1996

Revised in February 2002

Characters: Julian Crossland Business ConsultantAge: 33 Height: 6ft slim build
Betty Crossland Julian's mother Age: 63 Height: 5' 4" portly Religion Christian
Rebecca Starberg Temp Private secretary Age: 33 Height 5'7" slim vivacious Stella Starberg Rebecca's mother Age: 63 Height 5Ft plump. Religion Jewish - strong Hungarian accent
Fiona Wilson Chair Person Age: early 60's
Samantha Laycock Young woman in the Hall Age: early 30's
Daphne Pond Woman in hall Age: early 60's
Tracey Courtland Woman in Hall Age: late 20's
Bob Dunstable Police Sergeant Age: 37
Debbie Bond Woman Police Officer Age: 28
Doctor Wiseman Local Doctor Age: 50
Directions: The opening scene is a view of a semi-detached house in a prosperous suburb. The camera very slowly moves in towards the house to settle on the bathroom window that has frosted glass. We hear the following dialogue.
BETTY:I need to come in the bathroom Julian, urgently.
JULIAN: I have only just got in the bath, can you wait.
BETTY: I am sorry I can't. I needed the loo two minutes ago.
JULIAN: Is it that urgent (pause) I'll just put something on?
BETTY Don't worry about that - I've seen all it before.
JULIAN: That was over thirty years ago.
BETTY: That's what you think. Open the door and let me in or it will be too late. (She opens the door and enters) You look just like your father in that pink robe. A real handsome man he was too.
JULIAN: Did he wear a pink robe then?
BETTY: Yes I suppose he did when he couldn't find his own.
(The camera now enters the house via the landing window and we see Julian walking away from the bathroom and entering the bedroom opposite. The camera settles on the pink robe as it is thrown on to the bed, then switches back to Julian tying the cord on a white dressing gown.   He walks back to the bathroom and knocks on the door.)
JULIAN: Come on mother hurry up. (Betty opens the door and Julian walks in.)
BETTY: I'll scrub your back if you like.
JULIAN: I think I can manage that.
BETTY: I bet you wouldn't have refused Jean Wheatfield.
(Julian is standing by the bath, having undone the cord on his robe waiting to get into the bath. Betty is standing near the bathroom door).
JULIAN: Thank you mother for bringing up the past.
BETTY: That's right dear, it's one of the many indiscretions you have committed in your life.... but you were such a sweet little boy.
JULIAN: I'm a big boy now. (Betty casts her eyes over Julian's body whilst he is disrobing. The camera shows the robe being dropped.)
BETTY: Yes I can see that Julian. � (Julian covers his private parts. Mother exits.    Camera fades out.)
Second Scene Situated in the large square kitchen.   Betty Crossland is seated at the table peeling potatoes whilst Julian toggles between being seated opposite her and standing by the kitchen door that leads into the hall.)
BETTY: I'm sorry Julian I won't be able to come to the meeting. I can feel one of migraines coming on. You know what I'm like when I get one of those.
(Betty puts her hand up to her head and rubs her forehead. Julian stands up and looks out of the window before turning back to look at Betty.
JULIAN: I was counting on your support in front of all those women. (Julian picks up the newspaper, glances at the headlines and puts it down. Betty picks up a glass of water and from her handbag, which is on the table, she takes out a tablet and drinks the water after taking the tablet. He helps himself to a biscuit from the barrel that is on the kitchen top. He chews on it gently.
BETTY: They are a real nice bunch of girls. All you have to remember is that you put yourself into Fiona Wilson's hands and you'll be certain of a good ride. (Julian leans against the kitchen door and looks at his mother
JULIAN: If I want a ride I'll go to the stables. It's just a speech I'm making, not looking for a bride. Betty looks up
BETTY: Take directions from Fiona, after all she is the chairperson and a very learned woman too. There's nothing she doesn't know. She's a grandmother with five grandchildren and another on the way. Her son, as you know is going to be the prospective labour candidate for Plough Central at the next election � (Julian walks over towards the window and opens it slightly and turns back to face Betty.
JULIAN: How many times are you going to mention Archie Wilson. If he ever takes over from Tony Blair I'll be too dead to care. (Julian moves towards a bowl of fruit that is on the table and taking an orange peels it and eats it. With Julian having returned to the kitchen door once more resting his hand on the handle, Betty is playing with the very large cross that is round her neck. Julian is reading through his speech mumbling the words.
BETTY: You must have practised your speech over again and again. Why not make a record and mime to it.
(Julian takes a tissue from a box above the kitchen sink, and wipes the orange juice from off his shirt. As he does so he looks at Betty
JULIAN: What do you think I am - a spice girl!!
(Betty looks up. Having taken off her cross she is trying to polish it with a tissue that she licks each time she has rubbed the cross.
Julian removes his coat from the hanger on the kitchen door and puts it on.
JULIAN: I really must go. I don't want to keep those ladies waiting.
BETTY: You will enjoy yourself tonight with all those lovely ladies. There are a few single ones amongst them and I'm sure one of them will make you a suitable wife. If there's anyone there that you like, find out her name and I will do the rest.
JULIAN: Please please don't try to rule my life mother. If I want a wife I'll find one.
BETTY: Julian you will be 34 next birthday and all your friends are married with children. It's not healthy or natural to stay single all your life. People will think you're a...
Betty coughs with embarrassment.
JULIAN: Well I'm certainly not an mmm. But it is true. (Julian coughs) Most of my friends are, or have been married with kids. I don't want to be like Sydney and Roy, keeping their first wives in knickers whilst trying to get into somebody else's.
BETTY: I�ll quote you from our good book. If your right eye should offend you, pluck it out. If your arm or leg offends you cut it off. It is better to enter paradise without that which has offended you�or words to that effect depending on which version of the bible you read.
JULIAN: I am certainly not going down that track mother.
BETTY: You did that with Jean Wheatfield you had the hots for.
JULIAN: (speaking angrily I never had any emotions for that woman. I was just being helpful.
BETTY: Lustful more like according to her husband.
JULIAN: What her husband said and what actually happened�. forget it, I am not going to incriminate myself.
BETTY: Why did you take her to York that night?
JULIAN:I told you, her sister wasn't well and was so worried, and she couldn't wait for the train in the morning.
BETTY: She hadn't got a sister.
JULIAN: I had no reason to disbelieve her when she told me she had.
BETTY: You've always been so gullible Julian and I suppose your breaking down on the farm track late at night was just a coincidence.
JULIAN: I've told you before. She told me it was a short cut to her sister's house. How was I to know it was a narrow road to a dead end and I couldn't turn round and got stuck in the mud?
BETTY: So you spent the night in the car and you expect me to believe you didn't have carnal knowledge. Her husband was convinced you did and that's why you were cited in the divorce court.
JULIAN: (Standing up) Mother do you always have to bring that solitary incident up. It happened over four years ago.
BETTY: You should meet a nice girl who goes to Church regularly for religious knowledge and won't lead you up a dead end road for carnal knowledge!!!
JULIAN (sits down) All in good time mother � (Julian stands up:)
I have to go or I will be late (He opens the kitchen door and walks into the hall. Betty stands up and follows him and calls out as he reaches the front door.
BETTY: What time are you leaving tomorrow to go to the Bible College?
(Holding the front door open he looks back at his mother.
JULIAN: It starts at 3.0'clock and I am leaving at 2.30.
BETTY: I think I might come with you if my migraine has gone. I always enjoy listening to the Reverend Barry Teacher. He is always so full of fire and brimstone, a truly evangelical creature...
JULIAN: Surely you mean teacher or preacher mother.
BETTY: No need to split hairs.
JULIAN: All right mother I won't split them, there is room in the car, if you don't mind sharing with Arnold and Peter.
BETTY: Not Peter the snorer and Arnold the nose-picker! (Julian looks at his watch and sighs despairingly.)
JULIAN: Yes it is� now� I really must go (Julian exists from the front door and his mother waves at him whilst he drives away from the house. He toots his horn, which makes a rather unusual sound
Third Scene
The setting is a similar semi-detached house with an almost identical kitchen. Stella Starberg is preparing the Sabbath meal for Friday night. She puts a small scarf on her head and lights the candles. She chants the Sabbath prayer. Rebecca (Becky) enters the kitchen
BECKY: Is dinner ready yet mum? I don't want to be late. I've got to be at the hall at eight.
Stella finishes the prayers. I
STELLA: Becky your chicken soup and kreplach is ready. Tell me you think you spare time for all this meal? (Becky sits down at the table opposite Stella).
BECKY: Now look mum you know I don't make a habit of going out on Sabbath but it's the only night that Julian Crossland can speak at the Guild. (Becky takes a piece of the chollah bread and pours a glass of wine. Stella goes to the stove and dishes out two bowls of soup, which she puts down on the table, one for Becky, and one for herself. Stella joins Becky at the table. In between sipping\the soup conversation takes place.
STELLA: You tell me, vot time you are home. You not be late now - young women on their own at night late - big danger. You hear rape rob and taking bag. If your father alive today so upset would he be at his daughter out on Shabbat.
BECKY: Mum don't go on. What harm is there to it, and I won't be late. I'm taking the car and I will be parking right outside the hall and it's a well-lit area.
(Stella removes the soup bowls and spoons into the kitchen sink whilst Becky is looking at the Jewish Chronicle. Stella puts her oven gloves on and opens the \oven removing two plates containing chicken pieces with vegetables, and places them on \the table, one for herself and one for Becky. Stella sits down at the table. Conversation continues whilst they're eating the food.
STELLA: Now you listen well. When you in the car lock doors, all doors, you understand?
BECKY: Of course mum.
STELLA: I worry about you. I wanna you to find a nice young Jewish chap. You are not getting any younger and me getting older. I would like you a grandchild to give me before I die.
BECKY: I'm not ready yet mum but you are going to be around for some time to baby-sit for my brood.
STELLA: Just how many children you have to bring into this world by yourself as yours?
BECKY: Oh I expect four or five G-d willing.
STELLA: One or two yes okay, so long you are being married.... Tell me Becky, why you no go out with Hymie no more. So sudden you stopped seeing that nice yiddisher boy. He got pots of money and he is lawyer too. Vot more can a girl like you want.
BECKY: Mum when I find the right one is sure you will be the first to know. Of that I can promise. In the meanwhile no more talk of Hymie slymie, he's a wimp.
STELLA: A wimp, a slymie, vot is that already, some kind of insect or vot. I never hear that word. I like him Hymie, he go to Schul every Sabbath with his mother. You know he look over at you and he still like you plenty. Him and his mother wear the best clothes to Schul, so smart already.
BECKY: Mother, enough is enough already - forget Hymie slymie please. I must get my things together to go now (Becky stands up and places her mother's and her own empty plate into the sink. Stella remains seated
STELLA: Vot about the lochshen pudding you have before you go, yes or no?
BECKY: No I'm sorry I haven't got time, perhaps maybe I'll have it when I get back. (Becky walks out into the hall and Stella follows).
STELLA: Now you take care and remember I no like you going out on the Sabbath.
(Becky puts on her coat, which is on the hallstand. Stella presses her finger against her cheek waiting for a kiss. Becky kisses Stella on the cheek. Stella hugs Becky. They separate from the embrace but still hold hands.
BECKY: Mum, there are Jews believe it or not that go out on Friday nights and believe me there will be a few at the hall tonight.
(Stella watches Becky as she gets into the car and drives off. Stella closes the door and she puts her hands together in prayer.
STELLA: Please G-d you please forgive my daughter for out going on Sabbath.
Fourth Scene.
(A large auditorium seated with approximately 40 women. On the stage is Julian Crossland seated on a chair next to Fiona Wilson. The women are talking amongst themselves. Fiona Wilson stands up and bangs on the table with a mallet trying to bring the audience to order but to no avail. She hammers again even louder, the top of the mallet falls off. This still has not caught the attention of the audience so she shouts.
FIONA: Please ladies can you come to order so that I can introduce this evening's speaker. (The audience stop talking.)
FIONA: I should like to introduce you to tonight's guest speaker, Mr Julian Crossland from Messrs. Taylor Lewis & Cohen the International Business Consultants - ... Let's give a warm welcome to Mr Julian Crossland.
(Julian stands up with a sheet of paper in his hand and moves forward towards the microphone. He glances at Fiona and then faces the audience who applaud him strongly.
JULIAN: Thank you lady chairman for your most wonderful introduction and as you have most clearly stated, I am indeed a business consultant.
(Becky enters the hall and trips over an empty chair next to the entrance and scatters papers and her onto the floor. Two ladies come to her rescue and help her to her feet and help her gather the papers together. She moves down the aisle to seat herself next to another woman whilst Julian stands mesmerised by the interruption. Fiona stands up and looks at Becky
FIONA: Are you all right Rebecca dear? Becky waves from the chair
BECKY: Yes thank you Mrs. Wilson. I am sorry about the intrusion Mr Crossland.
JULIAN: That's all right Ms. Rebecca so long as you're not hurt.
BECKY: Not to myself, only my pride.
Laughter from the audience. Julian continues whilst holding the microphone stand.
JULIAN: As I was about to say the vocation that I follow involves a great deal of travel and negotiation with proprietors and directors of small and large businesses. The larger companies as well as the smaller companies are always seeking ways of cutting their costs and inevitably this means staff as well...pause...so you can see, we are not very popular with the employees who when they see us sense that their feathers are about to be trimmed or at least their expenses are coming under scrutiny. Another of our principal aims at TLC is to identify markets for our client's products and services.   (Camera fades in and out during this speech catching the odd sentence and general laughter from the audience) influenced by wars famine earthquakes and hurricanes and the new scientific developments which are coming to light (camera fades in and out) What we aim to do as business consultants is to provide the most economical and realistic means of assisting our clients to survive in a way that is beneficial to all concerned (Camera fades in and out) In the near future we shall be setting up a completely new division which will have as its portfolio (Camera fades in and out) Putting a square peg into a square hole in too many instances has resulted in that square peg fitting ponderously around a misshapen hole. (Camera fades in and out) ludicrous of us to consider a top class secretary who is a member of the local anti blood sport society to be the PA for our client who is the master of the local fox hunt (giggles from the audience). Neither would we place a vulnerable man with a libertine attitude to work for a religious organisation.
SAMANTHA: Like sending a Tory MP to a nunnery (Fiona stands up and points to Samantha who is laughing rather loudly).
FIONA: Thank you Samantha that will be enough. (Camera settles on Becky and her thoughts:)
Becky�s voice is spoken as a thought.) Gosh he's dishy. I hope he's single (pause) Jewish would be nice.
JULIAN: We were contracted to find a suitable candidate for this position despite the rather large salary that was being offered. (Camera fades in and out) This gentleman was the perfect choice (During Julian's speech the camera fades out with sound and then fades back in again to show Fiona standing up.
FIONA: Thank you very much Mr Crossland for painting us the most realistic picture of what is expected from a business consultant. I am sure that our ladies have enjoyed your most informative address. Please show your appreciation in the normal manner. (A round of applause echoes around the hall and at the completion of this Julian and Fiona leaves the stage and makes idle chatter with the audience as they proceed into the adjacent tearoom. Julian and Fiona talk as they proceed to the tearoom.
FIONA:I hope Miss Starberg's late arrival did not put you off your train of thought Mr Crossland.
JULIAN: No no no not at all - nothing puts me off my train. Once I'm on it I just keep going until the end (Julian goes up to the tea counter where many of the ladies are conversing together into small groups.)
FIONA: Tea or coffee Mr Crossland?
JULIAN: Tea will be excellent - thank you Mrs. Wilson (a lady behind the tea counter hands Julian a cup of tea on a saucer and he helps himself to a pastry. Mrs. Daphne Pond an elderly portly woman tucks herself in beside Julian.
DAPHNE: I hope you like my apple strudel. I made it with my own fair hands.
(Julian takes a bite of the pastry).
JULIAN: Mmmmmm.... yes this is very nice Mrs. er er er er.......
DAPHNE: You can call me Daphne Mr Crossland. Do you know for the past three years I have won first prize in the Plough Carnival for my excellent cooking.
(Becky who is behind Julian accidentally barges into him. His cup falls off the saucer and falls on to the floor and breaks. Julian starts to choke and spits out a piece of the strudel)
DAPHNE: Oh my goodness - it's my apple strudel. I put too much cinnamon in it.
(Julian turns around and faces Becky)
BECKY: Oh.........I'm terribly sorry Mr Crossland I'm afraid it's one of my clumsy nights tonight.
(Julian takes his handkerchief out and wipes the crumbs away from his mouth. He smiles and looks at Becky.
JULIAN: Accidents do happen. After all I've been prone to a few myself in the past.
BECKY: Tell me Mr Crossland, is there a Mrs Crossland.
JULIAN: yes my mother.
BECKY: Yes but is there a younger Mrs. Crossland?
JULIAN: Yes my brother's wife.
(Fiona barges in between Becky and Julian and frowns at Becky.)
FIONA: Here's your fresh cup of tea Mr Crossland. Don't try and knock this one out will you Becky?
(Julian takes the cup of tea and turns away from Becky.)
BECKY: So you are not married then Mr Crossland.
JULIAN: Only to my job.
BECKY: Oh but can it give you TLC?
JULIAN: Yes it gives me Taylor Lewis & Cohen my employers.
(Becky looks away from Julian and mumbles)
BECKY: Shtik Ferd I (Yiddish slang for stupid fool. Julian looks back with curiosity.
JULIAN: Pardon me what did you say?
(Julian is pulled away from Becky by Fiona and led over towards a group of ladies.)
FIONA: These ladies who run their own businesses would like to share some thoughts with you, and perhaps a little advice ...Pause.... Can I introduce you to Miss Tracey Courtland
TRACY: Do you know funny capers?
JULIAN: What funny capers.
TRACEY: My brother and myself have Funny capers, and I was wondering if you could give us some advice on how to promote ourselves, you see we only have a few, but we need a few more who can perform.
JULIAN: How you conduct Funny capers is hardly my field but I can always ask one of my colleagues to contact you, he knows more about this than I do. As I said in my address the first consultation is free.
(Tracey gently holds Julian's hand looks at him straight in the eyes and smiles provocatively.
TRACEY: I would rather it be you who give me the first consultation I'm free most afternoons when my brother is out seeing clients.
(Julian smiles back)
JULIAN: Well if you would like to give me a ring after lunch this coming Monday I will see if I can help you.
(Tracey walks away and smiles at him)
TRACEY: You can be sure I will do that Julian. Expect my call at 2 O'clock on the dot on Monday.
(Becky walks out of the hall and standing looking in the direction of the main road throws her hands in the air in alarm. She then puts her hand to her mouth.
BECKY: My car where is it. I know I left it here. I'm sure I did.
(Julian walks out of the hall and observes Becky is in obvious distress strolls up to her.
JULIAN: Is something wrong Miss Starberg
BECKY: You are asking me if something is wrong, I should say so my wheels have just rolled away.
JULIAN: Wheels what do you mean.
BECKY: My set of wheels, car, automobile the form of transport that most human beings in this country rely upon to get from A to B.
JULIAN: did you put the handbrake on?
BECKY: Of course I did what do you take me for, some kind of Shmo.
JULIAN: I beg your pardon what do you mean
BECKY: What I mean is that a joy rider thief has hoisted my car. What am I going to do?
(Julian puts his hands inside his coat pocket and removes his mobile phone, and dials a number.)
BECKY: What are you doing?
JULIAN: Calling the police of course (pause) Hello Sergeant Bob Dunstable please. Oh it is you Bob look Julian here I have a young woman beside me... No I'm not in bed, I'm outside the Plough community Hall and this lady has had her car stolen. I will let you speak to her.
(Julian hands the phone to Becky.)
BECKY: Good evening officer. My name is Rebecca Starberg of 96 King Charles Avenue Plough. My car number is J172 SGX and it is a blue mini micra (pause) Yes I left it outside the Plough community hall at about five past eight this evening. You see I was running a bit late for the meeting. (Pause) Yes I'm going home now I should be there within half an hour. (Becky hands the phone back to Julian who returns it to his pocket.)
JULIAN: How will you get home would you like me to call you a taxi?
BECKY: It won't do any good I've left my credit cards and purse in the car.
Julian: That's a very silly thing to do.
BECKY: Yes I know, but when you're running late it's easily done
JULIAN: Did you know that every 5 minutes a car is stolen in Plough?
BECKY: I didn't and it's not every five minutes I meet a know all. (She pauses) I'm sorry Mr Crossland I didn't mean to be so rude.
JULIAN: That's all right it's understandable in the circumstances. (Pause) Would you like me to take you home?
BECKY: Well I don't really know I hardly know you in the circumstances. (She pauses) Well it's better than waiting for a bus that I cannot pay for having no money on me. You haven't got a record of molestation have you? (She laughs)
JULIAN: Certainly not I'm no sex maniac.
(Becky takes hold of Julian's arm)
BECKY: Sorry I'm only trying to be humorous given the circumstances and my being obviously distraught.
(Julian leads her towards his car a BMW. He opens the door for her and as she gets in her bundle of papers falls onto the floor of the car. It starts to rain As the car moves off Becky tries to pick up her papers, as she does so she accidentally flicks a switch on the dashboard that opens the sun roof and they are both deluged in water. Julian closes the sunroof.
JULIAN: Please be careful; don't touch anything in this car
BECKY: I'm sorry Mr Crossland I didn't mean to open the sunroof.
JULIAN: O.K. I believe you, but please don't touch anything else.
BECKY: Do you know where King Charles Avenue is?
JULIAN: Yes it's off the Broadway, I don't live far from there myself in the next road to it.
BECKY: Well at least I'm not taking you out of your way.
(The car pulls up outside Becky's home.)
BECKY: Thank you Mr Crossland it was very considerate of you, perhaps you would like to come in for a coffee and dry your jacket.
JULIAN: Look lets do away with the formalities you should call me Julian.
BECKY: Fine and you can call me Becky although everyone else does apart from my mother who insists on calling me Rebecca.
(Julian looks at his watch then gets out of the car and opens the door for Becky.)
JULIAN: Well if you think you can trust me (pause) I accept your invitation for a cup of coffee, whilst my coat is drying.
(Becky and Julian enter the house and go into the kitchen lounge. Julian take his coat off and lays it over the back of the chair Becky takes it off the chair and using a hanger hangs it another chair by the electric fire in an attempt to dry it. Julian sits in a chair next to the table. Becky puts the kettle on after hanging her coat over the radiator.
JULIAN: Can I ask you something Becky?
BECKY: No I'm not going out with anybody I'm free and single, but don't get any wrong ideas I live with my mother who is up stairs. (She pauses and smiles) it's all right really my mother will be in bed now, she always goes up at nine (pause) but if we don't make any loud noises she won't wake up.
JULIAN: No I wasn't going to ask you that, I just want to use your bathroom. If you show me where it is
BECKY: Of course it's at the top of the stairs right in front of you. (She pulls on his arm, as he is about to leave the room and whispers.)
BECKY: Don't be too long Julian coffee and this tart (Jam tart is seen on a plate) will be waiting for your return. (Pause) Do you like it with cream and sweeteners, and this tart with nothing on?
(Becky is seen holding a jam tart in her hand that Julian has not seen he is uncertain of what Becky has implied until he turns round and sees the tart in her hand.
BECKY: It's a kosher tart with jam but you can have it with cream or nothing on if you prefer it that way.
(Julian smiles before walking up the stairs).
JULIAN: Cream and jam would be excellent on the tart, and milk no sugar in the coffee. (Stella is coming out of the bedroom and sees Julian she screams at him)
STELLA: Help fief rapist you no hurt me nor my candles you no go with my money or jewels you take nothing.
(Julian is startled as Stella picks up a large walking stick and waves it at him. Julian walks backwards down the stairs and falls to the bottom. JULIAN: I'm not going to harm you or take anything from you, only your daughter...
(Julian falls)
STELLA You no have my daughter she be intact not for likes of you.
(Becky appears at the bottom of the stairs)
BECKY: What's happened, are you all right Julian? (Stella comes down the stairs.)
STELLA: You know this man Rebecca, who is he.
BECKY Yes Mother, This is Julian Crossland the man who gave us his address tonight.
STELLA: Well what he doing at this address.
BECKY: Are you all right Julian. (pause) He was kind enough to give me a lift home in his car when mine was stolen.
STELLA: Your lovely new car stolen. I told you no go out on Shabbat. Your car thieved it be Gods punishment.
JULIAN: I think you had better call an ambulance I think I have damaged my spine.
(Becky and Stella help Julian to his feet. Becky is trying to lead him into the kitchen lounge whilst Stella is pulling him towards the front door.)
BECKY: Mother what are you doing trying to split him in half
(Julian is in obvious pain and screams out in agony.)
STELLA: I'm leading this man out; out of this house he is drunk.
BECKY: He is not drunk can you not see he has hurt himself that's why he is crying out in pain.
JULIAN: I'm sorry I'm certainly not drunk but my back it's killing me you must call an ambulance now.
STELLA: It's Mr Bloom's fault I tell him many times to fit stair rail loose. But he no do it now accident this man have. (Together Stella and Becky help Julian into the kitchen/lounge where they sit \him on a chair next to the table.)
BECKY: I'm awfully sorry about your fall Julian I hope you are not too badly hurt.
JULIAN: Please call me an ambulance Miss Starberg or Mrs. Starberg
STELLA: No need we do that Doctor him live next door I go phone now for him to come now. (There is a ring at the front door and Stella answers it to two police officers\one male one female.)
BOB: Good evening is this the home of Rebecca Starberg
STELLA: What she done I her mother I want to know why you want see my daughter.
BOB: I'm sorry Mrs. Starberg we need to see your daughter about her stolen car (He points to his colleague) this is Police woman Debbie Bond.
STELLA: You come in now it is all right I get my daughter (Bob and Debbie follow Stella into the hall. Becky is helping Julian to get out of his coat she accidentally touches him on the back and he screams with pain.)
JULIAN: (shouts) Don't touch me there it hurts, it might be broken
BECKY: I do hope it isn't. As soon as my mother comes in she will phone the doctor.
(Julian again winches in pain. In the hall Bob looks at Stella.
BOB: Just what is going on in there Mrs. Starberg?
STELLA: I know nothing - my daughter she with man who fall downstairs
BOB: Judging from the noise coming from in there it sounds as if she is murdering the bloke!
(Bob moves forward and opens the lounge door and sees Julian lying on the settee.
BOB: Hello Julian old mate what are you up to?
JULIAN: I fell down the confounded stairs and I hope I haven't broken my back.
STELLA: (Holding her head with her hands and shaking it) Oy Vey (Yiddish slang)
BECKY: Mother have you phoned the doctor yet?                                    STELLA: (waving her hands in the air) you think a pair of hands twice I have! I phone now
(Stella who was standing at the entrance to the lounge goes over to the phone, which is in the hall and phones the doctor.)
STELLA: Doctor Wiseman, is that you it is me (Doctor's voice on phone...)
DOCTOR: Who is me?
STELLA: You know me, Stella Starberg Sorry to upset you on Shabbat but there is a man in my house.
DOCTOR: Don't tell me you had better call the Police
STELLA: The Police here in my home now already.
DOCTOR: Then why Mrs. Starberg have you phoned me?
STELLA: Because man he strips on carpet and comes all down....
DOCTOR: Just a minute, who does he strip and what do you mean by comes all down?
STELLA: All down the stairs. He is on couch now with Rebecca.
DOCTOR: Listen Stella I do not wish to hear about your daughter's relationship
STELLA: You telling me she having relationship with this man. Me her mother and me not know! Sex maniac in my house!!
DOCTOR: Now look I don't know what you mean by relationship or whatever. Why on earth are you phoning me about something, which is not my concern.
STELLA: Listen please listen listen already.... he comes in - my daughter bring him in. He on the stairs fall. Now if he didn't come it would not have been.
DOCTOR: Stella please calm down because at the moment I have no idea what you are talking about.
(Becky calling from the lounge)
BECKY: What is happening mother. Is the doctor coming or not?
STELLA: He no understands me.
BECKY: Mother just tell him to come over as Julian has hurt his back (Becky sighs as she tends to Julian whilst the Police Officers look on.
DOCTOR: (his voice is now raised) now say what you have got to say slowly please
STELLA: I wake up - go along to bathroom and there this man is. Coming up to me on stairs. I shout - he strip himself on carpet and whoosh...he go to bottom of stairs scream out in pain.
DOCTOR: So what you mean is that he has hurt himself. All right Stella I'm on my way round.
(Bob is now seated on the sofa and examining Julian who has taken off his shoes and is wiggling his toes.)
BOB: Well Julian I don't think anything is broken seeing that you can move your toes. That's a good sign of no serious damage, but if Mrs. Starberg has called the doctor it is just as well as a precaution. (Bob stands up and looks at Becky) By the way Miss Starberg you will be pleased to know that we have found your car
BECKY: Is it damaged?
BOB: Well as far as we are concerned, although the door was open nothing seems to have been disturbed. In fact your handbag was still on the back seat.
BECKY: (Sighs) Thank goodness for that - where is my car now - can I go and get it?
DEBBIE: Actually I found it for you and I followed Sergeant Dunstable here.
BECKY: So it's outside then!
DEBBIE: Yes it is but as a precaution I had to look in your handbag and found a set of keys that fitted your car and that is how I was able to drive it here.
(Debbie who has been standing goes out into the hall followed by Becky) BECKY: Gosh I must have put my spare set in my coat pocket and left the others in my handbag. Oh what a fool I have been.
(Becky opens the street door and follows Debbie out into the street. Stella looks on).
STELLA: Where you going?
BECKY: I will be back in a few minutes mother I'm just going to get my car
(Becky and Debbie meet the doctor at the gate as they walk down the path.)
DOCTOR: What is this I am hearing Becky that your boyfriend has hurt himself.
BECKY: No he is not really my boyfriend. It's a man who gave me a lift home when my car was stolen. (Pause) He wanted to use the bathroom and slipped on the stairs fell down and hurt his back.
DOCTOR: Yes I gathered as much in a roundabout sort of way when your dear mother tried to explain to me on the phone. (Pause) By the way would you like me to call Leo Fingleton?
BECKY: Why should you want to call Leo Fingleton?
DOCTOR: Well he is a solicitor.
BECKY: What would I be wanting with a solicitor?
DOCTOR: If you are going down the Police Station to make a statement, you will need a solicitor to give you advice and Leo Fingleton is the best in the business.
BECKY: No I am not under arrest or going down the Police Station. My car was stolen and this Policewoman found it and brought it back to me. I'm just checking to see if it's all right.
(The Doctor puts his hand up to his mouth.)
DOCTOR: Oh I'm terribly sorry Becky, for one frightening moment I thought that you had been arrested for assaulting the man.
BECKY: (Laughing) No if anybody is going to assault him, I think it will be my mother
(Becky and Debbie continue the walk to her car, the Doctor walks up to the door and Stella opens the door to him.)
STELLA: Come in Dr. Wiseman. A Policeman has him in the lounge.
DOCTOR: Why, has he been arrested?
STELLA: No, should he be? I think he should for causing all this trouble.
(Scene outside - Debbie gives the key of the car to Becky who unlocks it and looks inside.)
BECKY: Well nothing seems to have been taken, Oh, but where is my handbag?
(Debbie puts her hand underneath the seats and produces her handbag.)
DEBBIE: I put it here for safekeeping. (Pause) I notice that you haven't got an alarm on this car. If I were you I would either get an immobiliser or an alarm fitted.
(Becky locks the car and walks around it with Debbie.)
BECKY: Well who ever stole my car must have been considerate. I can't see any damage (pause). By the way where was my car found?
DEBBIE:I found it outside Cannon Street School; probably some kids wanted it for a joy ride. There was a youth club at the school tonight. I wouldn't past some kid to have stolen it to impress his girlfriend. When I found it the door was open. Still, come what may the important thing is you have got your car back in one piece. Rather better than the car that was stolen the night before. It finished upside down in the river draped in an American flag. Goodness knows why, it wasn't the 4th of July.
BECKY:I think we had better go back inside and see what is happening.
(The Doctor and Stella enter the lounge. The Doctor goes over to Julian.)
DOCTOR: Well young sir what seems to be the problem?
JULIAN: Sorry to have called you out Doctor, I fell down the stairs rather heavily and I think I've damaged the base of my spine.
(The Doctor examines Julian whilst Debbie and Becky have returned and stand with Bob and Stella looking at the Doctor examining Julian (ad lib) After a little while the Doctor speaks.
DOCTOR: Well everything seems to be in working order and I'm pretty certain that nothing is broken. However what I would advise is that you rest here on the sofa tonight and in the morning, hopefully you should be able to drive home.
(He opens his bag and gives him two tablets).
DOCTOR: If you take these, they should ease any discomfort or pain that you have. I would suggest that you go to Plough General Hospital for an x-ray in the morning. (Pause) I will speak to the hospital myself.
JULIAN: Thank you very much Doctor. I will do as you say, however I would rather go home now if that were possible.
DOCTOR: Well I certainly would not advise it in the circumstances. It is better that you stay here overnight and then see how you feel in the morning. If there is any further discomfort tomorrow, then call me and I will come and see you.
STELLA: This strange man in my house staying tonight with my daughter and myself and he not Jewish, (she stares at him) or you are? No of course not, if you were you would not be out on Sabbath. I no like having strange man in my house.
(The Doctor takes Stella to one side.
DOCTOR: Listen Stella he is not very likely to be going anywhere or doing anything with the injury that he has got and the tablets I have given him, all he can do is sleep until the morning. Hopefully he should be able to leave first thing, but if he were to leave now it may complicate his injury.
(Becky brings a glass of water to Julian and he takes the tablets.)
STELLA: Oi vey, perhaps I should ask Police lady to stay to be safe in case he turn funny.
BOB: Mrs. Starberg I can personally vouch for this man. He is a complete gentleman and I assure you that you will be perfectly safe with him in this house. You have my total assurance. Good night all.
(The two Police Officers and the Doctor make their farewell, seen to the door by Becky and Stella.
DEBBIE: Now do remember to get an alarm or immobiliser for your car. STELLA: Alarm - who is alarmed?
DEBBIE: Your daughter has got to get am alarm or an immobiliser to stop anybody stealing it again.
STELLA: Aaaaaaah - such a good idea - Mr Goldschmidt at the Schul - he does such a good job of alarming people and things.
BECKY: I will phone him first thing Sunday morning.
The Police and Doctor exit. Becky then returns to the lounge where Julian is \on the settee.)
BECKY: What can I say; I didn't wish this to happen to you. You must think I am a right Jonah... Falling down in the hall, knocking the cup out of your hand, my car being stolen, opening your sun roof when it was raining and you falling down the stairs, whatever must you think of me. No, don't answer I already know.
JULIAN: Listen Becky, it's not all your fault, fate could be taking a hand.
(Becky sits next to Julian and takes his hand in hers, but only momentarily, as Stella returns to the room).
STELLA: Well Rebecca I go to bed, I so tired, see our guest be comfortable and you no stay too long with him, one minute and that too long.
(Stella exists. Becky waits until Stella has left the room and then stands up.)
BECKY: I will go upstairs and get you a duvet and pillow.
JULIAN:I am sorry I am putting you to all this trouble.
BECKY: It's no problem really, it's partly my fault, or as you would say, fate taking a hand.
(After Becky has left the room Julian eases himself up with some difficulty and leans over to remove his mobile phone from his inside jacket pocket that is hanging over the chair. He dials a number; a few seconds elapsed before he speaks.
JULIAN: Hello mother it's Julian.
(The voice of Betty Crossland can be heard on the phone.)
BETTY: Why are you phoning me Julian, you will be home in a few minutes, so why get me out of bed?
JULIAN: The fact is mother I won't be home tonight. I am er er er er staying at a friend's.
BETTY: But how could you meet a friend, you were speaking to the Towns Women's Guild. Aaaaaaah, just a minute, you have met a lady, that's it and she has invited you to stay over. I'm right aren't I?
JULIAN: No you are not right. In fact it is a man who has asked me to stay over.
BETTY: What do you mea? Who is this man? Do I know him? Have you been drinking?
(Julian picks up the glass of water on the side table and takes a sip.)
JULIAN: One question at a time mother. I don't think you know this man, he is a Doctor and yes I have been drinking.
BETTY: Well in that case Julian you are a wise man not to drive, but it is not like you to drink during the week. One of those temptresses must have led you astray. What's her name? Which pub did she take you to? It's not Samantha Laycock, Doreen Barlow, and Frances Taylor. Now she has had more men than all the cabinet ministers put together. I hope for your sake it's not her.
JULIAN: It's none of those mother, I'm sorry I must go, the battery on my phone is getting low and I'm having trouble hearing you. I will tell you all about it in the morning. Good night mother.
(Becky returns to the lounge as Julian has put the phone back into his coat pocket. Becky puts the duvet and pillows on the chair opposite him and moves it closer.)
BECKY: Can you manage Julian?
JULIAN: Can I manage what?
BECKY: Well, do you need a hand to er er er... to take something off? If you do, I can help you.
JULIAN: No thank you Becky I think I can manage
BECKY: Are you sure, I am quite experienced at helping people getting undressed.
JULIAN: What did you say?
BECKY: I used to be a member of the St Johns Ambulance Brigade.
JULIAN: No I am pretty certain I can manage.
BECKY: I'll go and make you a cup of cocoa.
(Becky enters into the kitchen. With great difficulty Julian strips off down to his boxer shorts and folds his clothes neatly on to the chair. He puts the pillow at one end of the sofa. He looks towards the hall door and notices that it is partly open. He pulls the duvet over himself, occasionally winching in pain. He removes his Mickey Mouse boxer shorts and quickly tucks them under the rest of his clothing. Darkness fills the room. Becky enters the room and puts the cocoa beside him. She brushes her hand against his face, just as Stella shouts out:
STELLA: Come on Becky, bedtime, you leave man alone, come to bed.
(Becky waves good night to Julian and leaves the room.   Camera fades out and then fades in again and we see a silhouetted figure of Becky dressed in a short nightie peering in. The camera picks out Julian's clothing on the chair and the duvet fallen onto the floor. The camera focuses on Becky as her eyebrows are raised and she is heard to say.)
BECKY: Well that confirms it. He's not Jewish but he sure is cute!!!
(Camera fades out and fades in to show Julian sitting at the kitchen table dressed.)
BECKY: So you have got no pain in your back at all now? It's a miracle.
JULIAN: Well I said my prayers last night.
BECKY: So you believe in G-d then.
JULIAN: Yes, the same one as you but I also believe in his son too which you don't.
BECKY: Do you think it is possible for two people of different religions to have a relationship?
JULIAN: Well I have never put my faith or anybody's colour before a friendship and I don't intend to.
BECKY: Anyway let's change the subject for now. What would you like for breakfast?
JULIAN: Sausage egg and bacon please?
BECKY: But this is a kosher house
JULIAN: Well I will have kosher sausage egg and bacon.
BECKY: (under her breath) "Shmo" (yiddish slang) How about egg on matzo?
JULIAN: What's a matzo?
BECKY: All right already - forget about the matzo, have egg on toast.
JULIAN: I won't bother. I shouldn't have asked for anything really, I won't put you out, but a nice cup of coffee would do.
(Becky brings a hot cup of coffee on a saucer and places it in front of Julian. Then Julian lifts up the cup to his mouth and is about to drink it when he hears Stella's voice from upstairs.)
STELLA: Becky, bring me a cup of tea.
(Julian gasps at the sound of Stella's voice and spills the contents of the cup onto his shirt. Becky grabs a towel and goes over to Julian and wipes his shirt. He feels a twinge from his back and reaches out to grab Becky's waist. Their faces meet and at that instance Stella makes her entrance into the kitchen and clasps her hands to her face:
STELLA: All right already you sex maniac un-handle my little girl.
(Camera fades out as Stella tries to separate the two of them)

End of Pilot episode. This screenplay and original idea is copyright to David Johns and Roma Kameel and registered with and by D.J.Burcombe.
No part of this script can be copied or published without the consent of the Authors.