During one of my periods of temporary insanity I once bought a Cadillac for my wife. A short time later (she liked to stay busy) she decided she wanted to go into the business of delivering telephone books and she volunteered me to help her. Now, in Dallas it takes two huge books for the white pages and two huge books for the yellow pages. Each one of these damn books weighs about five or ten pounds!

        So we go to the place in her Cadillac where they load up that poor car plum full, trunk and back seat included. When they had it fully loaded the front end of the car was pointed up toward the clouds! As we drove away to our delivery destination I could hear the tailpipe scraping along the pavement. I knew right then I might have to get her another new car when this phone book delivery business was done.

        Then we get to the delivery place and guess what, it was a huge apartment complex of five hundred apartments, four stories high with no elevators. Guess who was supposed to tote them books up there...ME! Now, back then I was in my 50s and could still climb ten or fifteen stairs without much trouble. Did you know that to get up four stories you have to climb 40 stair steps?

        Well, I could carry about ten books at a time (fifty pounds) to the highest apartments. Ten books would take care of five apartments and there were at least fifty apartments on each floor. That is ten trips or 400 stair steps up and 400 stair steps down. And that was only for the top floor! I am still too tired to do the arithmetic on the other floors!

        It was a good thing that we got started at daybreak because it was almost dark when I finally got through toting those damn books. Needless to say, I was cursing the day that Don Ameche ever invented the freaking telephone.

        That business venture made $25 for the day and to get the shock absorbers, muffler and tailpipe replaced on that pore Cadillac cost $450! But fortunately for my bank account I didn’t have to get her another damn new Cadillac.

        Since I had to go to the hospital the next day with a strained back, stiff legs and a hernia I didn’t get to deliver no more damn phone books.