After boasting for some time about what a good golfer I was, a gal named Pooch came to visit me to prove she was the Annika Sorrenstam of the Senior Chat Room and would teach me a thing or two. By the way, if you don't know Pooch, you should!
When I met her at the airport she came prancing down the ramp and from the smile on her face I sensed I was in deep trouble. Pooch had her golf clubs in a super golf travel bag that was really light. It was light because she needed only five clubs to whup anybody she played. She had another small bag however, that weighed at least 350 pounds! I think she had it filled with money she had won from poor suckers like me and it was converted to gold.
On the way to my favorite golf course the next day we had to go over a bridge and I noticed that Pooch closed her eyes until we got to the other side. I thought she was afraid of heights, but that wasn't it at all. She was busy with her evil scheme on how she was going to beat me. When we got to the golf course Pooch unveiled her brand new magic RED golf shoes. RED! How can you concentrate on hitting a golf ball when your
partner/opponent is wearing bright red golf shoes? Answer: You cain't!
On one hole approaching the green about 100 yards away I noticed that Pooch was lined up at a forty-five degree angle away from the green right near and toward an iron bridge. I thought, "Well, I'll just let her hit the bridge, ball will fall into the creek and I'll win at least one hole." Well, what happened was she had a trick shot. The ball went sailing right over the bridge railing headed for another creek, then took a sudden left turn and went right onto the green. I think she hadn't practiced that shot for a while however, because her ball was still about five feet from the hole.
On one hole she was thirty yards and I was thirty-one yards away from the green. I bet her a whole nickel that I could get closer to the pin than she could. I made a beautiful chip shot that stopped about two feet from the hole and said proudly, "There, beat that if you can!" She did. Hit the ball right smack dab into the hole!
A few days later when she had won all the money I had she went back to Indiana laughing all the way. I was determined to get revenge however, so a few weeks later (after I had mortgaged my house again) I went to see if I could beat her on her own golf course. Pooch had already warned me that she had a great big dog that didn't like men at all. Men wearing black clothes were especially in danger.
Well, I dang near froze to death but I am afraid of big mean dogs so I wore a pair of summer weight WHITE slacks and a white shirt. Everybody thought I was a traveling Chef! When we got to Pooch's house Penny, the mean dog, got hold of me and dang near tore my leg off. After I kicked the dog three or four times and we cleaned all the blood up, I had a good strong drink of Jack Daniels and I was OK. At least I thought I was. Jack Daniels is good medicine for dog bites!
Pooch even has her very own fancy electric golf cart complete with ball and club washer, undoubtably paid for by her golf winnings, The next thing I learned was she had that cart souped up so it would go real fast. She likes to get on the highway and race cars, zoom down steep hills on the golf course and turn sharp corners trying to throw you out of the cart! If I had known it was going to be that much fun I would have brought a big bottle of tranquilizers with me! I also found out that she plays on the most evil golf course in the country!
I reckon I am a slow learner because I made another nickel bet with Pooch on getting closer to the hole from right off a green. Same result. I lost! Also she wouldn't let me get back in her cart until I paid her the nickel. There for a few days I was afraid I would have to have to hitch hike back to Dallas and bum meals, but fortunately she didn't know I had a return trip ticket and I got to fly back and eat a package of pretzels.
Unfortunately, I had to change planes in Atlanta. There were two planes there real close together and the guy announcing departures couldn't speak English so it was kinda hard to tell what plane to get on. Since I am very cautious, I showed three (3) airline employees my ticket which had DALLAS on it so big I could read it without my glasses on. And I am illegally blind without them. All three (3) of those rascals directed me to the same plane.
For insurance I showed the hostess on the plane my ticket too. She said, "Hurry up and sit down!" I am also very obedient so I hurried to my seat and buckled in. Before I could even start to work on my 'Simple and Easy' crossword puzzle a man came up and said, "You have MY seat". Sure nuff, we both had the same seat! Since the plane wasn't crowded we decided not to fight over the seat. (He was a lot bigger than me too). About a minute later another poor guy right behind us found out somebody was in his seat too.
About that time I became just a little uneasy and said to the man sitting next to me, "This plane IS going to Dallas isn't it?" After a whole bunch of them got through laughing he said, "Nope, we going to Allentown, PA." Since I had never lost anything in Allentown PA I started scrambling off that plane like I was on fire. The Captain just happened to be watching me and decided he didn't want another nut on HIS plane so he took me by the arm, firmly I might say, and led me over to the plane going to Dallas.
We got to the RIGHT plane just before those suckers closed the door and he pushed me in. Since that plane was going non-stop to Dallas I got safely home again. Fortunately my daughter was at the gate to meet me so I didn't have to worry about finding my car which I sometimes lose.
Aesop says, "Don't just show them your ticket�Ask them where they are going before you get on the darn plane!"
See y'all later. Wrong Way Doug.