I never was really big on Beanie Babies. Why? I could never stomach the profuse hype.
Some guy out there decides that he wants to make stuffed toys, but instead of stuffing them with cotton (or whatever stuffs a regular stuffed animal), he decides to stuff them with pinto beans. Bada-bing! He's suddenly a millionaire.
For Pete's sake, I could've thought of something like that. But, who would have dreamed that changing the stuffing material of a toy would create such a demand that soccer moms are willing to slit throats for them?
Somebody, for the love of all that is good and holy, tell me why everyone is so hyped up about collecting Beanie Babies.
We have soccer moms waking up at 4 a.m. to go to bazaars where limited numbers of these bean sacks are to be sold.
I am sure that everyone has read about this lady who is doing 100 hours of community service because she was convicted of some sort of fraud involving Beanie Babies.
As it turns out, she got companies to donate beanies by telling them some phony sob story about a dying girl who was collecting them. Talk about a lady who has too much free time on her hands.
Personally, I'm glad she got caught. No fraud of any kind deserves to go unpunished. However, it disturbs me that her fraud involved Beanie Babies of all things.
Seriously, I remember a day not too long ago when fraud mainly included money, politics and other matters of grave concern. Now, fraud has stretched to include mere sacks of beans. What the hey?
Lately, I've heard rumors that the company that started it all is going to discontinue Beanie Baby production. Ha!
I could only be so lucky. Do they actually think that I was born yesterday? Do they take me for an imbecile?
Tell me, please, what company walks away from a product that is in seriously high demand and selling like hotcakes?
If they actually plan on discontinuing the product forever (and I wish they are), then the bigwigs at that company must be real idiots.
Personally, I suspect that they just want to create more hype about this. It's a similar ploy to what DC Comics used when they "killed" Superman.
Please, tell me that you did not actually believe that Superman would be dead forever. Come on, now! You know better than that. Superman is, well, Superman. You can't kill him. He is the supreme comic book superhero.
Shame on you for actually thinking he would be dead forever. By now, however, you realize that DC Comics came out with that story just to create a hype and sell more comics.
Likewise, Ty, the Beanie Baby company, is creating hype about discontinuance in order to stir up an even greater demand.
If this is what their true clandestine motive is, then the bigwigs are not idiots, but in fact, they are criminal geniuses. They already have soccer moms at their mercy.
People are still clamoring to get these sacks of pinto beans. But, that is not enough for the company masterminds. They want you to want Beanie Babies all the more.
They want the toys to replace cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and all other addictive substances. They want Beanie Babies to be your craving. They want you to sell your soul to the devil himself to get a hold of another Beanie Baby.
Don't become a victim of their schemes.
One can only dream of what this world might be like without Beanie Babies. In that dreamlike paradise, there is peace, love and harmony. There would be no greed, no fraud, no cutthroat soccer moms. But, as we all know, that is just a dream.
I have a sickening feeling that Beanie Babies will be with us for a long time. They're in higher demand now than even the Cabbage Patch Kids were in their heyday.
Do not lose heart, though. There is a solution to this problem. By joining together we can stop this Beanie Baby madness. How? Simply stop buying Beanie Babies.
"What?" you say. "That's impossible! I can't do that." Then you, dear reader, have already succumbed to the arcane wiles of the Beanie Baby corporation.
They have you in their vice-like grip. Pray that you may be delivered.
Now, for those of us who haven't sold our souls to the Beanie Baby corporation, it is up to us to stop this rampant craze that is consuming America. We must boycott Beanie Babies. It is a moral imperative.
Only after we stop buying them will the company realize there's no demand and therefore no money to be made. Only then will they truly and ultimately lay them to rest.
Cabbage Patch Kids went the way of the dodo once the demand died. If we unite, then Beanie Babies will go that way too. Only then will sanity return to this nation gone mad.