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Some people aspire to be lawyers, some doctors, others great leaders. What do I dream about being? I want to be a professional beach bum. Once again, with feeling, I want to be a professional beach bum. I realize this sounds silly, considering the fact that I am nearing the end of my undergraduate education here, and a bachelor's degree from this fine institution can lead to fulfilling and successful careers. However, I am not driven by the idea of wealth or fame. More than anything, I wish to spend my fruitful years at the place I hold dearest: Corona Del Mar. I feel the only way to truly enjoy a life on the beach is to spend every moment there and absorb everything there is to be absorbed.
I know what I just said sounds absurd, so perhaps now is a good time for explaining my reasoning. In all my life, I have never found a more perfect place than the beach affectionately called "Big Corona". I have my special places there, such as the spot I go to watch the sunset, or the volleyball court I prefer to play on. The wave of elation that passes over me while I'm standing on the sand is unlike any I've ever felt before. Is it wrong to want to feel that every second of the remainder of my life? If so, I am fully prepared to deal with a lifetime of consequences. Happiness is very important to me, and I feel I owe it to myself to reach for it now that I have found it.
This might lead to the question, "why give up everything you've worked for?" Obviously, a $75,000 education would be wasted with this lifestyle. Was there really anything learned over what will likely be a five-year stay at UC Irvine that I will actually use in reaching this goal? My answer to this is yes. The most important lesson I have learned is that the world is full of options, and we should not be constrained in career choices by how much money stands to be made. The best career choice is the one that leaves you feeling complete, and never questioning whether you chose wisely. Sure, I could easily make more money in a career more closely related to the economic background I've gained, but the resentment would eat at me for as long as I tried to fool myself into believing I made the right choice. Frankly, I don't like the idea of having an ulcer and aging beyond my years. The gray hairs associated with my Native American background are enough premature aging for this Indian. Therefore, I plan to immerse myself in the activity that means the most to me: beach volleyball. Without beach volleyball, my life would be a hollow shell. Without beach volleyball, I would not have the drive to get up in the morning. Without beach volleyball, I might well consider going on a rampage and destroying those editors currently snickering at my beach volleyball remarks. Beach volleyball is what keeps me sane, even more than the beach itself.
Now I realize a lifestyle such as this will affect many other areas of my current life, some of which will not be easy to adapt to. For instance, my considerable CD collection will be basically useless, barring any Frisbee tournaments or the unthinkable need for coasters. My computer will also be affected, needing an awfully long extension cord if I plan to use it during this phase of my life. Without access to showers, or even a ridiculously large supply of deodorant at the very least, I could become a very difficult person to spend time with. Despite these undeniable inconveniences, there is still much to be said for making a living as a professional beach bum. Imagine all the free time that will be created! Every book that has been picked up, only to be put back down for reasons of "no time available for reading" can be picked up again. The guitar, which has long been neglected, can finally be mastered. My volleyball game can reach the next level, with plenty of hours devoted to practice. And let us not forget the thousands of hours of therapy that will be essential in dealing with the aforementioned beach volleyball obsession. Everything that I ever wanted to do will finally be explored completely, with time being of no concern. Everything excluding those activities which require electronic assistance, that is. Of course, if I were to get that awfully long extension cord for the computer, that could change.
One might think that I have neglected a lethal habit, which is evident in all of us, in my plan: the habit of eating every now and again. But fear not, for I have taken this into consideration. Food is, after many years of eating, essential to survival. It is obvious that I have come too far along in my addiction to attempt kicking the habit. However, there are ways of attaining the ultimate goal: lunch. One method I have devised involves befriending the seagulls, who will proclaim me as their king and feed me all that my heart desires. However, seagulls are far from the brightest birds on Earth, so I have come up with an alternative to befriending the birds: stealing from them. Seeing as the food would be necessary to my survival, I see no ethical problem posed by this. In dealing with the "lean" periods, such as winter, I plan to sit outside the friendly neighborhood supermarket and beg for all I'm worth. At some point, should I master the guitar, I could even play for all I'm worth. But the main idea is panhandling, America's favorite party game. This is one of the advantages of undertaking this task in an affluent area: money will be much easier to come by. Of course, trying this in such an affluent area may also land me frequent trips to the local prison, but that will help alleviate the shower problem to a small extent. Since there is a positive side to the consequences of panhandling, we must not dwell on the negative aspects of the situation. After all, any positives in a lifestyle such as that of the professional beach bum must not be strongly considered, they must be taken at every opportunity.
I understand that you still may not be swayed into believing that this lifestyle I've chosen to pursue is a good one. Some might even question my sanity, and I don't blame them. My question is not whether I am following a path to misery, or even whether I require immediate psychological help. The question before me was where do I want to be five years after my graduation, and I feel that I have answered that to the best of my knowledge. I realize that money is a necessary evil, and I may be sent home with my tail between my legs, so to speak, but that is an abstract concept called "reality". I deal strictly in fantasy, and you have just finished reading about mine.
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