Dear Mr. Agassi,
It has become painfully obvious that your tennis game is not where it once was, and that perhaps you should begin looking into new options on how to keep gas in the Ferrari and caviar on the dinner table. I have taken it upon myself to gather a few ideas, and if I may be so bold, I would like to present these to you at this time. What I foresee for your �golden years� is a branching out into all areas of the media. We want to be sure that there is no one left on the planet who doesn�t know the name �Mr. Brooke Shields� in the coming years. I have laid out a ten-year plan on how to achieve the household name status that your Cannon commercials only began to create.
The first step of this sees your debut as a thespian. I would like for you to audition for the role of George Michael in the made-for-TV movie �My Hand: A Love Story,� which will be broadcast on the Fox network. With the obvious abundance of acting skills shown in your aforementioned Cannon ads, you should be immediately tabbed as the lead. Also in your favor is a similar hairstyle (though your nearly bald head was not a conscious choice) and powerful wrists that propelled you to your one Grand Slam championship. I realize you may be asking yourself, �Why would I want to take a role like that?� Let me remind you that if you are able to establish yourself as a romantic lead, you will never be out of work again. Though my plan does not hinge on you being a major star, longevity will prove to be important during a later phase of this plan. Also important is the fact that a high-profile role such as this will get you back in the public eye again, instead of in the bottom of the USTA rankings. Having this re-established celebrity will lead to bigger, better things, though this will not be the only vehicle for renewed stardom.
The next interest that should be pursued is something of a political move. In the October 1998 election, I want you to run for president. Yes, Mr. Agassi, I want you to be the next Hair Club for Men president! This role will work on several levels, having the advantages of heavily discounted hair treatments, as well as being the envy of every man, woman, and child in the world for being paid to say �I�m not only the president, but I�m also a client!� With your celebrity status, you should have no problem displacing the incumbent, Mr. Sy Sterling. This role will help establish you as an �everyman�, someone who can relate to the problems of the average Joe. This will also be of great importance for the later phases of your post-tennis career. In your campaign, the idea of being �just one of the guys� must be heavily pushed. Perhaps something as simple as having your beautiful wife show up at the rallies with some homemade Rice Krispy squares will garner heavy authenticism to this claim. Of course, if Ms. Shields has problems with the culinary portion of this, we can always buy a box and burn them a bit. This should make them appear homemade. If you are unable to win this election, making a public claim about the organization should also be worth some publicity. My suggestion is a claim that the hair used for transplants by the Hair Club for Men is taken from stray dogs, and you could not work for an organization with such devious means of survival. If asked about the source of this information, cite a high-ranking officer who wished to remain anonymous. Since no one would admit to it for fear of being extradited, you should be safe until after the investigation is resolved.
The new publicity should lead us into the next phase of this plan. Supergroups have been held in great respect and awe, going as far back as the union of Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, and Jack Bruce which resulted in hall of fame band, Cream. We will introduce the �supergroup� to end all �supergroups�: Andre Agassi and Cindy Crawford are the �Two Deaf Tones�. This will cause a major media commotion, much like Ms. Crawford�s Charlie ad in which she had a small singing part. Realizing that this pairing with Ms. Crawford would not be something that would guarantee success, you might ask, �Why should I even bother with this project?� Besides the obvious, being my 10% cut, there is one important thing to be remembered about music: nobody remembers the bad one. An example of this could be the man you�re hoping to portray as your first project: George Michael. He was in a highly successful band during the middle 1980�s, Wham!. Andrew Ridgely, his silent partner in the band, was not as visible and vanished into obscurity after the breakup. George Michael will be getting his own TV movie. We are going to recreate that mismatch of talent. With Cindy Crawford as your singing partner, it is impossible to be known as the untalented member. Thus, when your nasty breakup occurs, you will be the one with the greater amount of respect gained in the music industry. This will give you a fallback option should the other forms of media respond badly to your work. However, a very important thing to remember is that you must always be paired with someone of less talent. Failure to do this will expose you for the no-talent bum you really are, destroying that final option and leaving you as an underpaid babysitter for your own kids. In any case, the first album, riding on a wave of industry buzz, will do rather well. We will ignore the fact that more than half of them will end up in the used CD bins of the world, seeing as we�ve already made our profit on them. After the release of the second album, which is doomed to be a huge failure, you will leave the group citing the always vague �irreconcilable differences�, leaving nothing but a legacy of music that could bring hardened criminals to tears. We will wait to see what the most popular genre of music is at that time before deciding which type of music should be made. This will give us a wide audience who will willingly choke down what is deemed by MTV to be �good�.
This next phase is one that will be the most interesting yet the riskiest. This involves a return to the movie industry, though in a less glamorous fashion. I propose a move to the porn film industry. With the recent success of related movies, such as �Boogie Nights� and �The People vs. Larry Flint�, Hollywood is ready for the first real taste of porn film success, but this will not happen without a recognizable talent at the helm. I propose that you gather a nickname that is somewhat related to your well-known tennis career, something along the lines of perhaps �Bent Racket.� Seeing as very few of these films actually have a plot line, I also highly suggest that any film you get involved with also have a tennis-related title. Though I cannot propose any titles at this point in time, I�m sure you are more than capable of perverting the tennis terms you are so familiar with. However, I am well aware that your initial appeal may not be as great as we would hope, so to test this theory, I suggest you film a �private� movie of your own with your dear wife, ala Pamela Anderson. This tape can be mysterious stolen and placed in the hands of an Internet company, who will market the film to the general public. This company, of course, should be merely a dummy company, which will disguise our interests, but we will make public claims of invasion of privacy and other such matters. The publicity generated by these actions should create immense demand for your tape, which will then create a fanbase for your future works. The main idea is to claim innocence and possibly disgust over the entire ordeal. Then, using the reasoning that �everyone�s seen what I have already, so why not make a little money for myself off of it?� By doing this, people will either help you out of pity, out of loyalty to you as a famed tennis player and former president of the Hair Club for Men (a position that will need to be vacated before this lest you be impeached and generate negative publicity for yourself), or simply out of some sick attraction to you. Whatever the case may be, you will gain from their reasoning for this.
So there you are. I�ll admit, it will be a whirlwind period for you, but a guaranteed way to keep Brooke from throwing you out for not carrying your share of the financial burden. Heed my words, Mr. Agassi, your tennis career is basically over, and there is no better time than now to make this move, while you�ve still got some of what used to pass for your youthful exuberance and spirit. I realize it may be humbling to see that the only way left to make it as a living would be as basically a gigolo, but as I mentioned before, longevity is the key. I implore you to consider this, and if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I will be waiting for my first check. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Sincerely,
David Rodriguez
