RULES OF THE COSMIC JOKER

People may occasionally hear me referring to 'Cosmic Joker'.  The short way to describe it is its sort of like karma...except unlike karma; you can do a lot of good and receive a lot of bad for years on end.  However, things do eventually give in - and you win.  Sometimes you have to suffer a lot to gain...

How did these rules come to exist?  I've noticed them since I was 17 or so.  And one day I just wrote them down.  Seriously, I've been observing this stuff for many years.  Every 'rule' here is based on stuff I've observed for at least a year, so I've had time to think about it and it's had time to prove itself to be just luck or coincidence.  Cosmic Joker essentially is a law of observations, the concept being that most of the rules of the CJ are twisted.  It is sort of like Murphy's Law, only I don't know what the hell that is.

These rules are only applicable to males and two females (katie & bec), as far as I know.  I'd be interested in more female input on it.  However, out of the guys I've shown, most have agreed with the rules - especially the first 6 rules, which are the most powerful.

1. The first rule of the Cosmic Joker is you (almost) never expect it.  This means it's completely useless trying to predict it and it also means it's easily disproved as being a load of ****, but because this first rule is here, you can't disprove it. Neener.  Even if you do expect it and it happens, it'll still be surprising.  It's VERY HARD to expect Cosmic Joker WITHOUT reading this (or writing this).
2. If you're in a hurry to get some place (time limit), everything and everything will be in the way.  A basic example is if you have to meet somebody at a certain time, transport will be late, pedestrians (old ladies, people in wheelchairs, idiots on pushbikes) will walk slow and cut you off and your shoelaces will come undone (so wear Velcro!).  A more complex example is how after last time I mentioned these rules hoping it would bring reward and show I am ready, immediately many bad things kept happening to me - but nothing permanent.  In the end, I not only survived, but I triumphed.
3. If something can go wrong, it will in the messiest way possible - but not often the most harmful.  ESPECIALLY when you know it could happen.  The best example is how my lung collapsed...it could have been many other things, and collapsed lung was the worst possibility.  It should have reinflated without surgery.  But it didn't.  It also meant I didn't get paid for the work I had to do and I ended up on work for the dole because I didn't look for work for 3 months because I was INJURED AND UNFIT.  Another example: Moving my former arcade machine causing the damn PCB to die, and then trying to fix it causing the power supply to doof. Who ever heard of moving a machine roughly 2 inches, slowly and gently, causing it to die - especially after it had been transported hanging out of the back end of a panel van, tied in by rope? It's illogical, and that's why it's caused the Cosmic Joker.
4. The "Wild Card" (this is the Joker part): If you prepare for something, a spanner will get thrown into the works and something random will happen.  It's usually neither good nor bad; it's just a situation to keep you on your toes.  A good example is how I had the job interview with my friend's ex - and the interview went quite well.  It was also kind of like looking into a mirror - not in the sense that it was predictable, but in the sense that it reflected who I was back at me, and that was lovely.  Unfortunately, I like to plan so this happens a lot.  I REALLY don't like it when this rule interferes with my friends (i.e. I plan something and it does something to them) - that is what provoked me to type up this list last time, and it's doing it again.
5. When every path is exhausted, you shall be rewarded.  EVERY path.  At least in the boundaries of decency/commonsense.  This is the only truly good law of the Cosmic Joker.  A good example is how long it took me to get a job, and in the end I got it by persevering with this one place whilst adding to my skills - yet I never wasted time with McDonalds or the like.  It has nothing to do with how worthy you are - this isn't karma.  Karma doesn't have a twisted sense of humour.
6. History is doomed to repeat itself until you appear to be in control...and then it just changes pattern, so you're never truly in control until rule 5 occurs.
7. When you seek peace, you shall never get it.  Phones shall ring.  People, including strangers, will bug you.  You will not be allowed to think, or sometimes you won't be allowed to NOT think of something because everyone brings it up!  Of course, if you want to socialise, nobody will be willing and they sure won't come to you.
8. Law of public transport: All people must face the direction of transit, and must sit down. The downside is, if you face every seat in the opposite direction of transit, they WILL turn them around. Every last one. I know because I've tried. Sitting down doesn't sound bad, but people will go out of their way to get a seat. They will rush ahead of old ladies, and people drive to the end of the train line. I know because if I come home during rush hour, I almost get run over every single time, and have to wait 5 minutes to cross the road, yet if I go home at a normal time, the cars disperse randomly and take ALL the roads.  When you plan to get off at the major destination (e.g. Central on a train, or the interchange on a bus), the person beside you will be the last one to stand up and move out, but the first one to indicate they're going to stand up. THEY STAND IN THE PRONE POSITION FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES!  At the end of the line, they just like to sit next to you and get up once the train stops, even though every other seat in the train is goddamn free.  These conditions mean, of course, you're the last one to get off when you're in a hurry.  Also, people will take up 4 seaters on trains if by themselves. People will sit on side seats if all forward seats are taken. Inevitably the person sitting in front of you will be grotesque or revolting and it'll be the one you think "please go the other way" about, the person behind you will have an overpowering smell (usually of cigarettes), and the person who sits beside you will often be the second person you don't want to sit near you (because you want the space!), and they'll usually have a broadsheet newspaper and they'll read it and shove it in your face or slap you with their hand each time they turn the page and not even care/notice.
9. Law of debt: If you want money, things will break.  Or melt.  Like my computer did as soon as I planned to save up for Project Fort Justice, leaving me with a nice negative figure to start with.
10. If you choose one option of many, the other options will immediately disappear.  It works almost without fail - anything medially important is prone to this.  Of course, anything you ABSOLUTELY MUST DO for the sake of life itself won't be...most of the time.
11. Law of the hard path: Ever seen a movie or game or anime where some friend of the hero points out something like a secret tunnel, or a magical sword or something which seems completely ordinarily irrelevant and useless, yet they inevitably end up having to go back to use it because it was mentioned?  That happens in real life, too.  Nothing unorthodox is said for the sake of conversation.  This is sort of related to rule #3.
12. Probability of Dog (no longer valid):  "If weather is fair, dog is there.  If weather is bad, no dog shall be had."  This relates to the appearance of a dog in a park by the train line between Boondall and Nudgee - it was ALMOST ALWAYS there and chases the train, and it had a legendary reputation - I think everyone may know someone who knows of the dog.  It still appears on rare occasions.  They were briefly replaced by "Cows of the Wilderness", a group of wild cows.
13. Curse of Wasuremono:  The song 'Wasuremono' in drummania and Guitar Freaks is jinxed.  Try playing it, humming it, singing it or thinking of it and see what happens - try it on a train for a laugh.  Typically you either are late (because of the clip for the song) or you lose something ('Wasuremono' is a word meaning a lost item)

NEWER RULES:

• A.  Law of chasms: If there's something you really want, you're not only going to have to get burnt hard, you're going to have to reach the lowest point and gain something from it which you can use at the top to achieve your purpose.  There are no shortcuts.  A perfect example is how I got my job.  I applied 4 times over about as many years; the lowest point was when my temp agency - my main source of padding work to keep me active - ditched me.  Then I was forced to do work for the dole - first in a role which could easily be defined as demeaning, secondly in something which made me REALLY uncomfortable and REALLY out of character. However, without experiencing all of this and without the grit and determination, I would never have made it.  One could speculate you never truly would appreciate getting what you want without reaching the bottom, thus you do not 'really really want' it, however I see no benefit from speculating this as it is not the topic of discussion.  See rule #3 and #11.
• B.  Trial by Ordeal: History is not only doomed to repeat itself, history is also doomed to replicate itself...with a few minor changes.  I call this "Trial by Ordeal", as it is a sort of test.  Sometimes it will replicate through others.  Sometimes it'll have replicated through others and you'll not even know - sometimes you won't meet them until after!
• C:  Cosmic Joker can be defeated - although it is not clear how.  It has been done.  I suspect listing this may defeat it again, and it is indeed my intention to cause havoc and replicate the results of last time!  Defeating it eliminates all of these rules - at least for a brief period.
• D:  The Cataclysm Rule: It is possible that everyone has to go through at least one large ordeal of a lifetime (larger than "Trial by Ordeal"!).  This sort of thing will ruin many friendships, relationships, it essentially can be described no less than cataclysmic - however, the change is one you'll need.  You will look back on it fondly.  The mean age for this to happen is around 20 with at least a year's leeway on either side.  I would dare say that this ordeal adds character - you certainly won't lose any.  Too many examples to list - sometimes people just do this stuff to themselves (for example, a gambling problem).  Many, if not all, people go through this...very odd.
• E:  Never let the Cosmic Joker know you’re in control: This is a lot like rule #4. If you appear in control of a bad situation, the Cosmic Joker will do something to regain control. For example, my friend Katie was driving to a mechanic, “praying that she would get there”, and when she thought it was ok, she turned on the radio. 2 minutes later, her car stopped. I think most of us have experienced something like this.
• F:  If someone says to you, ‘Have a good day’ your day will be terrible: For example, I got told ‘Have a good day’, and so many bad things happened. First, my local arcade’s DDR machine broke, while I was playing it. Then I went rollerblading, and one of my wheels broke, nearly causing me to severely hurt myself. Then my bag got stolen with over $250 worth of stuff inside. This rule is unbreakable. If you prepare for it, then rule #4 will come into play, and you’ll be unprepared.