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As Shattered Dreams Entertainment returns from yet another commercial break once again the arena is displayed as the fans are heating up in anticipation for something to happen. All of a sudden, a giant visage of a panda appears on the SDE Titantron. Upon seeing this, many of the fans burst into cheer, singing along with the cheesy theme music to "The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman" as it marks the beginning of the highly anticipated third instalment of this way-out series
Woman:  Pandaman, Pandaman, does whatever a panda can, sits on his ass, eating bamboo, when he feels like it he goes for a poo, look out, here comes a Pandaman!
The scene then cuts from the Pandaman logo to the exact same freeze-frame that ended the last instalment of "The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman". We left them last week on their final approach to Mount Monkey when all of a sudden the Panda Copter (Pandaman's preferred mode of transport) had been swallowed up by a giant sea creature with Pandaman and his sidekicks Cloverman and She-Gnome still inside. The scene turns black as the narrator begins to speak over the action.
Narrator: It is a dark day for Panda's everywhere. Pandaman and his sidekicks appear trapped inside a large sea creature and I foresee no means of escape. Could this all be over before it even had a chance to start? Or will Pandaman somehow find a way to escape the murky depths of the ocean? You tuned in, so why don't we find out?
As the narrator fades away, the dark scene is now animated with sound, the sound of splashing underfoot in the darkness as the three superheroes can be heard mumbling amongst one another. Then a small rattling can be heard before a flame from what looks like a large, panda shaped lighter now lights the scene. The trio of superheroes can be seen stood next to the Panda Copter in what looks like the bowels of the monster they were consumed by previously. The walls are pink and fleshy and the floor is covered in sticky monster saliva. Dave, placing the lighter on the ground and turning up the heat to provide more light, then turns to face the Panda Copter and begins to rummage through a pile of objects in the back seat. Colin and Carly watch on with confusion, as Carly can no longer contain her curiosity.
Carly: Um, Dave� what are you looking for?
Dave: Some kind of explosive. We need to get out of here somehow and the only way I can think of is to get back in the Panda Copter, fly back up to his mouth and blow his teeth out. Now where did I put that bazooka?
Colin: Sorry� I don't think I quite heard you correctly Dave� we're going to get back in the Panda Copter? No way am I getting back in that thing. I mean, I tolerated it the first time round but now, after this, there is no fucking way I'm ever stepping back on to that thing.
Dave seems to find something contained below the pile of junk and begins to yank hard on it. After a couple of pulls he eventually manages to free a large bazooka cannon out from underneath, stumbling backwards slightly under its weight before managing to find his balance once again. With it safely in hand, Dave then glances over at Colin with a grin.
Dave: Ah come on Colin, sure we may have had a little set back but don't let it put you off flying forever, I mean, what's the chances of anything like this happening again huh?
Colin: Before I met you Dave, I would've thought it impossible but now, I'm not so sure. So in other words Dave, I am never setting foot in that helicopter again!
Dave: That's fine by me� we'll just leave you here inside this big ugly fucker. Have fun being digested. C'mon Carly.
Dave and Carly then walk off towards the Panda Copter once again, Dave climbing back into the cockpit as Carly circles around to get back into the other side. Colin stands, watching them leave before starting to cast his eyes around his surroundings.
Colin: WAIT!!!!
Dave was about to place his headphones over his head but pauses upon hearing Colin's shout. Carly, who was about to open the side door, also pauses as the pair watch Colin rush up to them and approach Dave's door with a nervous grin.
Colin: You know� I've had a sudden change of heart. I mean, burning to death in the massive inferno formally known as the Panda Copter has got to be a better way to die than winding up as fish turd right?
Colin then opens the back door of the Panda Copter and scrambles back up into his seat, grabbing his seatbelt as he begins to fasten it tightly around his chest. Carly also climbs in, taking her seat beside Dave before looking back at Colin and grinning, only to get a cold, narrow eyed response from Colin. Dave, who has been fiddling with the bazooka for some time, now seems satisfied with its position, now fastened to the side of the Panda Copter just outside of his door window.
Dave: There we go� right. Now if only I could remember which button was which�
Colin: You're fucking kidding me right? Look Dave, you see the big green button� that means go. And the red one, that means stop, all fairly simple?
Dave: Umm Colin, I don't know quite how to tell you this but� Panda's are colour-blind.
Colin: Oh for fucks sake, it's a good job you're not a panda then isn't it Dave? Tell ya what� go on Dave, what colour is my cape?
Dave: Umm, red?
Colin: Dave, stop joking around, seriously, you're making me have second thoughts about becoming monster turd!
Dave: Who's joking? Seriously Colin, I'm colour-blind, Carly will you please tell him?
Carly: Perhaps it'll be better if someone else drives. You're actually beginning to frighten me now Dave.
Dave: Flying a helicopter is a little more tricky that pushing a couple of buttons Carly� I'm just having trouble distinguishing the two that stop and start, that's all.
Colin: Fucking hell Dave, you won't be happy until we're all dead will you? Whether we crash the helicopter or get turned into monster shit it's all the same isn't it? Death is inevitable.
Dave: Of course death is inevitable dude, we're all going to die anyway!
Colin: Yes Dave, but I meant today.
Dave looks round at Colin with a rather large grin on his face.
Dave: So did I�
Colin sighs and slumps back into his seat, now tired of Dave's blatant stupidity and coming to the realisation that however much he tries to reason with Dave, that stupidity will never go away. Carly also seems in a rather edgy mood, watching Dave closely as he waves his finger of the red and green buttons precariously. Carly then reaches out and grabs Dave's hand, mashing it into the green button. Colin sits up as Carly does this as Dave looks over at Carly with shock. Carly merely cowers away from Dave as Colin reaches out and pats Carly gently on the back, thanking her for what she just did. Dave merely shrugs it off as the propellers begin to spin overhead. Dave then flicks a few switches on the console in front of him as the Panda Copter gently begins to lift up in the air. The metallic landing feet of the helicopter pull up sticky strings of saliva as they lift up off the ground. Colin then clings tightly to either side of his seat, pushing back into his seat as if he is willing it to swallow him up. Dave leans out of the side of his window and fiddles with the bazooka suspended on the Panda Copter. He activates the laser target as he turns on the Panda Copter's searchlight as a way to get a good view of what's up ahead. As they fly up inside the body of the sea creature, the creature's teeth come into sight as Dave aims the bazooka at them. Dave then fires, the Monster screaming out as he does so, the gap now created in his teeth now giving way to a tidal wave of seawater.
Dave: Oh shit� I didn't compensate for the fact that we were under water. Um, hold on tightly guys.
Colin, now completely mortified, grips the chair even tighter, his nails actually ripping through the fabric as Dave quickly turns the Panda Copter around and begins to flee from the flowing water that the monster is now rapidly filling with. Carly is desperately looking over her shoulder at the approaching water, willing Dave to travel faster as it approaches, Dave weaving the Panda Copter from side to side avoiding each wave as it breaks.
Carly: Look Dave, the monster must have surfaced out of shock, I can see daylight through his mouth.
Dave: See Colin, there's no need to worry, you're luck powers came in handy after all.
In response, Colin simply throws up all over the back seat of the Panda Copter as Dave sharply turns once again back towards the monster's mouth. The flow of water has now steadied, now gently flowing in below them as Dave flies above it towards the mouth. However, both Carly and Dave seem to notice that the gap of daylight seen through the monster's mouth is rapidly closing, the monster now sinking back down to the depths under the weight of its water intake. Dave and Carly both exchange dodgy looks as Dave grabs a nearby lever and pushes it all the way forward, mouthing "hold on" to Carly as the Panda Copter picks up in speed. As they reach the mouth of the monster, the gap is smaller than ever, Dave tightening his grip on the controls as he races forward to try and escape the monster's bowels. Colin, however, merely throws up again, too engrossed in his own vomit to even notice that they are once again moments from death. Carly lets out a loud scream, scrunching up her eyes tightly as Dave rapidly approaches the last remaining escapable spot. Dave, in a flurry of panic, quickly reaches out of his window and fires it once again, the explosion hitting only 10ft in front of them as another part of the monster is blasted through. Dave fights against the scattering debris of teeth, fire and flesh as he pushes the Panda Copter through the newly created hole, pulling back the joystick forcefully as soon as he deems himself clear, raising up into the air and to freedom as the monster slowly sinks back into the depths behind him. Carly, noticing that she felt no harm what so ever, opens her eyes again and breaths a sigh of relief upon seeing the clear skies laid out in front of her.
Carly: Oh thank god!
Upon hearing this, Colin, who is now as white as a sheet, looks up at Dave and Colin in front of him with a look of pure terror on his face. He breaths heavily for a moment as the trio continue on in silence, a silence immediately broken as Colin voices his newly formed opinion of Dave's flying� The narrator uses this opportunity to speak over the scene making Colin's reaction inaudible.
Narrator: Um� due to the content of Colin's reaction we're not actually allowed to air it� in fact, nobody is. It's that offensive. Anyway� I think he's almost done now�
Colin: �..MB ASS PRICK!
Dave: Hey it got us out didn't it? What you complaining about? You were worried about either a helicopter crash or becoming monster shit, neither happened.
Colin: YOU'RE GOING TO LAND THIS THING AND LET ME OFF THIS FUCKING INSTANT!
Dave: That's cool, we're almost at Mount Monkey anyway, just sit back and relax Colin, bad stuff over now, all we gotta do is land and we're done.
Colin sits back in the chair muttering more inaudible slurs under his breath as Carly gently nudges Dave, indicating Colin. Dave shrugs in reply.
Dave: He'll be alright once we're back on the ground�
Dave then swerves the Panda Copter once more and pushes forward on the joystick moving the helicopter downwards to its final destination. Dave then chooses a safe, flat spot to land on at the foot of Mount Monkey and slowly draws to touch down the helicopter signalising the end of their journey. Dave then opts for an imitation of a flight attendant as he lands the Panda Copter.
Dave: We have now reached our final destination, Mount Monkey. We would like to apologise for our unscheduled stop in the bowels of an unknown sea creature but we are happy to say that we are now safe and sound at our initial target destination. Our Duty Free service is now no longer available. Could all passengers please collect together their luggage and vacate the aircraft. Thank you for flying with Pandaman airways and we hope to see you all again soon.
Colin merely sneers at Dave's final comment as he is already darting for the exit of the Panda Copter. He opens the door and dives out onto the rock floor below as Dave and Carly also climb out of their seats. Carly approaches Colin and puts her arm around him to make sure he is ok as Dave, trying his best to avoid Colin's sick, begins to once again dig through the back seat as he continues to transfer various items and gadgets into a backpack, which, upon completion, his swings over his shoulder. He then casually approaches Colin and Carly who are now assessing their new surroundings. Dave approaches them both with a smile.
Dave: Well that was fun wasn't it?
Colin: No Dave, it wasn't fun! In fact, I'd swim back to Ireland before I ever fly again, especially with you!
Dave: Don't worry Colin the journey is over now� now the fun bit can begin.
Colin: The fun bit? Oh no Dave, don't give me that! You're idea of fun isn't fun at all, it's down right dangerous.
Dave: Oh for fucks sake will you cheer up?
Dave then walks off past Carly and Colin towards the foot of Mount Monkey. Carly and Colin diligently follow as Carly and Colin both quickly exchange looks. Colin sighs, shaking his head upon catching Carly's eye contact before speaking low enough so Dave can't hear him.
Colin: And to think� this is all over a fucking duck!
Carly can't hold back a smile as she continues to follow Dave towards their destination, C.H.I.M.P.'s lair. The camera then slowly begins to pull away from the trio, showing Dave beginning to climb the lower rocks of the mountain as the narrator speaks over the scene once more.
Narrator: And so, after a bumpy ride, our heroes reach their destination, C.H.I.M.P.'s lair in the very bowels of Mount Monkey. But is it too late to save the world leaders? Will Pandaman be reunited with his beloved duck Killer? Why is a bird in the hand better than two in the bush, surely two is better than one? Find out the answers to these questions and more on the next and final instalment of� "The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman!"
Dave: Final instalment? Psh, you wish! |
