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As the Shattered Dreams Entertainment cameras return from another irritatingly numerous and somewhat lengthy commercial break, we return to the arena ringside where the fans are getting pumped at this televised house show leading up to the War Games pay per view which is now merely a day away. With the numerous matches signed for War Games, the last pay per view of 2003 looks as if it is shaping up to be one of, if not the, best of the year. Needless to say, this impending adrenaline pumping, excitement-inciting pay per view has got the fans already worked up, but the events that are shortly to follow send the fans into an unadulterated, mass frenzy. On the titantron we see an enormous visage of Panda, answered by the fans by loud cheers, knowing that we are about to bear witness to the most eagerly anticipated instalment of The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman to date, the fans singing along to the cheesy theme music as they tingle with exhilaration, awaiting the beginning of the first episode of The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman since shortly before Summer Slaughter.
Woman:  Pandaman, Pandaman, does whatever a panda can, sits on his ass, eating bamboo, when he feels like it he goes for a poo, look out, here comes a Pandaman!
As the Pandaman theme music ceases, we are now taken to a freeze frame of the last time we saw our three heroes. In this scene we can barely make out the tiny figures of Pandaman, Cloverman and She-Gnome as they stand at the bottom of a huge mounted that is shaped like a monkey. The Panda Copter has been set down at the foot of the mountain, She-Gnome & Cloverman stand near the superhero's helicopter where as Pandaman is seen trekking on forward, clambering over the rocks at the bottom of the mountain in search of an entrance to C.H.I.M.P.'s lair in order to save his kidnapped duck, killer, and save the world's political figureheads from an eternity of a potassium filled, pale-yellow skinned, living hell. The voice of the familiar yet faceless narrator now speaks across this freeze frame, in order to fill in some of the missing puzzle pieces in this scene.
Narrator: And so, The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman awakes from it's hibernation to continue these� errm� Peculiar Perils. When we last left our heroes, we had seen them escape from the bowels of a rather large marine creature in order to make their way to Mount Monkey, the known home of C.H.I.M.P., Pandaman's arch nemesis and turner of World Leaders into bananas. Although patience is frayed between Pandaman's side-kicks, Pandaman refuses to relent in his search for his prized black and white duck� abolishing C.H.I.M.P.'s diabolical plot for world domination is somewhat further down Pandaman's to-do list. Can this miss-matched trio of delinquents save the day? Of course they can� this is a television show for fuck's sake� but telling you that would just spoil the ending� um� shit� just roll the fucking footage already!
As the freeze frame seen before now kicks into action, the camera is now shown zooming up on our somewhat tubby hero, already seeming to break into a sweat due to the small amount of exercise that is forced upon him as he scrambles over these rocks at the foot of the mountain. Already panting somewhat, She-Gnome & Cloverman follow with somewhat concerned looks displayed on their faces as they watch the normally lazy Dave Haile mapping his way across this rocky terrain. As they move, Carly and Colin exchange a few odd glances as they watch Dave, eventually spurring Colin into speaking his mind.
Colin: Dave, if you're sweating now then how the fuck do you plan on having enough energy to make it to the top of this mountain without collapsing before we get there. I mean, Carly and I are only little people, we're not gonna be able to carry your fat ass up the mountain when you pass out through lack of oxygen.
Dave turns to meet Colin's eye with a slightly sly grin on his face and a small glint in his eye upon hearing these words. With his breath heavy, he laughs through his words as he retaliates to his Irish counterpart.
Dave: Well Colin, we could always turn back, hop in the Panda Copter, and fly around the mountain until we find an entrance, and we all know how much you love our little trips in the Panda Copter don't we? If not that, I'm open to any other suggestions that'll get us up this mountain.
Colin: Oh no Dave, there's no chance in hell I'm getting back in that helicopter, I've already made that much known! It just worries me that a so-called superhero is already worn out before we even get to the vertical climb of this mountain!
Carly: Um� guys� we could always�
Dave: (Cutting Carly off) Well I do apologise, Colin, that I am not up to the standards of Northern Irish fitness� I know, why don't I down a pint of Guinness, maybe that'll give me the strength to get to the top, I've already told you that you're more than welcome to present a suggestion otherwise, if you aint got any suggestions then I suggest that you shut your god damn mouth.
Carly: Guys, seriously, why don't we�
Colin: (Also interrupting Carly) Ok, here's a suggestion, why don't I just take your fat, Bristolian ass and drag you up this mountain just so I can throw you off when we get to the top!
Carly: Colin, Dave, you don't need to�
Dave: (Ignoring Carly yet again!!) Gee Colin, I would love to see you fucking try, I mean, you can't even take it to Will, and he's more camp than a Cub-Scout troop leader!
Carly: WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!?
Colin and Dave immediately stop their argument as they as they turn to face Carly, who is now quite red in the face, breathing heavily as she stares daggers at both Colin and Dave. Composing herself, she now lowers her tone, yet still speaking through her teeth, as she is finally given the silence she requires to propose her idea.
Carly: Well, without being interrupted this time, I was going to say that we could always just take that escalator over there to the top� Of course, you two are more than welcome to keep arguing if want to, I'll just sit here while you do, keeping quiet until the argument ends� of course, we'll probably be one hundred fucking years old by then and all the World leaders would've rotted anyway.
Dave and Colin stand staring to Carly, looking somewhat shocked in reference to the fact that someone that small is capable of a loud outburst of that calibre. Colin and Dave's eyes then turn in unison to see the large escalator that leads to the top of mountain. At the head of the escalator, we can now see a rickety wooden bridge that leads to a large metallic door which one can only assume is the entrance to C.H.I.M.P.'s secret lair� albeit that it doesn't seem to be that much of a secret, but what do you expect from an irritating metallic primate? Colin and Dave both offer muttered apologies to Carly as they hang their heads nervously in front of the short yet obviously fiery young Bristolian. Carly gives Dave a playful smack around the back of the head as she takes leadership, ushering the pair towards the escalator over the small collection of rocks that stands in their way. As they approach, Dave begins to eye their surroundings suspiciously, his eyes shifting back and forth as if he expects an ambush of some kind as they trio approach the foot of the escalator. Seeing Colin place his right hand on the banister of the escalator causes Dave to scream out, lunging forward and pulling Colin away from the banister, backwards onto the floor, imagining it to be booby-trapped. A slight pause ensues for the readers (and the writer) to giggle in reference to the word "booby" before Carly goes to voice her objection to Dave's erratic actions, not being able to as Dave pulls her to the ground with himself and Colin, raising his head slightly as he looks back and forth once more� paranoia getting the better of him.
Carly: Dave, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Dave: What does it look like? I'm protecting you from booby traps! Don't you think it's a little too convenient that there's a girt big escalator in the middle of a barren, water-locked, secret, monkey-shaped mountain?
Colin stands and goes to brush himself down to wipe away the dust collected from being dragged to the floor by this odd, 6'3" lunatic. As he goes to brush himself down, however, he notices that there is a pale, sticky substance now on the hand with which he placed on the banister. With a somewhat disgusted look, he grabs his cape with his other hand, and wipes away this strange substance as Dave and Carly also stand to their feet.
Colin: Well, if there's any booby-traps, Dave, then that was it� it seems that C.H.I.M.P. isn't really all that creative. Look, if you're gonna be a scaredy cat, then I'll get on first, ok?
Dave: (lifting Colin's cape into his hand) Ok, but I can't help but wonder what the hell this stuff is� it smells faintly of fish. Ah well� it doesn't seem harmful, just don't put your hand in it again Colin, I imagine it's not all that pleasant whether it's a booby trap or not�
Making sure not to place their hands on either banister, Colin, Carly and Dave step onto the escalator as they are brought slowly higher up to the top of the mountain. The air gets slightly chillier as they climb higher, the three of the young superheroes forced to pull their capes around them to shield themselves from the cold mountain air as they near their destination. As Colin wraps his cape around him, however, he puts his hand in the substance he wiped on his cape earlier, now spreading it across his clothes forcing Carly and Dave to laugh at him as he attempts to wipe it off again with his cape, stumbling backwards as he tries to negotiate himself into a position to wipe the smeared substance only to put his hand backwards into to banister to stabilise himself, only to get more of this substance over his hand. Dave and Carly are almost in fits watching this situation unfold, Colin fidgeting in all different directions trying to wipe himself clean as they move ever higher up on the escalator. As they now reach the top, the rickety bridge comes into focus so, too, does a small fairy that is darting back and forth in front of the bridge, leaving a trail of white fairy dust behind her. As Colin, Carly and Dave step off of the escalator, the fairy ceases moving back and forth and, instead, stops to hover directly in front of the bridge. Carly, Dave and Colin now stand, eyeing this fairy oddly. Carly and Colin have somewhat confused looks, but Dave holds one of wide-eyed shock. Carly turns to Dave and whispers in his ear so the fairy cannot hear them.
Carly: Dave, that fairy, it's face, it looks almost identical to your sister.
Dave: Yes, it does� and I think I've just realised what that substance is on the escalator banister. You remember I told you about the time I came home to find my sister "rubbing herself" against our banister�?
Carly and Colin both break into a unified "ewww" as they look to the fairy whose visage is almost uncanny in comparison to Dave's sister, Fran. Colin now begins to rub his hands relentlessly against any clean part of his cape that he can find.
Colin: That's it, there's no other option for it, I'm gonna have to have these clothes incinerated. Dude, have I ever told you how much your sister makes me want to spew my guts up?
Dave: Yeah� three times actually� but that's ok because I agree with you. The question is, what the fuck is she doing here?
Intrigued by the conversation that she cannot hear, the fairy now hovers towards the trio, hovering just in front of Dave's face. Dave cringes slightly as she approaches, stepping back slightly as she pauses in front of them, speaking up as she introduces herself to the trio.
Fran: I am Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy and this is the bridge of death. Before I let you pass you must answer me these questions three! Any incorrect answers will result in your death, as you will be flung from here onto the jagged rocks below! You will go first!
Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy points at Colin as she flies towards him, hovering up to his face as Colin eyes Dave and Carly nervously in waiting to answer Fran's three questions that will either grant him safe passage across the bridge to C.H.I.M.P.'s lair, or seal his doom on the rocks below.
Fran: First question� what is you name?
Colin: Errm, Colin Leslie.
Fran: Correct. Second question� what is your quest?
Colin: We wish to infiltrate C.H.I.M.P.'s lair, save Killer and, in the process, save all the world leaders from a lifetime as a large, yellow fruit.
Fran: Correct. Now, third question� what is the greatest band in the universe.
Colin: That's easy, Iron Maiden!
Fran: Jesus Christ, and they call me a fuck-whit� fling him boys!
With that, some strange magical force throws Colin into the air, projecting him across the skies before allowing him to plummet out of sight into the dark crevasse below them. Carly and Dave scrunch up their eyes and turn away as they hear the drawn out screams of Colin, hearing him scream "I HATE FLYING" as he disappears into the darkness. The screams disappear into the distance as Dave and Carly slowly open their eyes to see Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy hovering in front of them with a large smile on her face.
Fran: Oh, don't worry by the way� he's not dead, he's just been sent to live out an eternity of torment in the fiery pits of hell. Well, I say hell, we actually lost our license to send people to hell, so instead we send them to the nearest thing to it� Northern Ireland.
Carly: Ah, well he'll feel right at home then�
Dave: Yeah, well just out of curiosity, what is the greatest band in the universe?
Fran: Well I don't fucking know! Wait� no I didn't mean to say� AGHHHHH!!!
With that, Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy is seen to be flung into the air in the same fashion that Colin was moments earlier as she too is sentenced to an eternity in Northern Ireland� poor soul. Dave and Carly exchange a brief look, shrugging before casually stepping forwards to cross the bridge. As they do so, however, Dave shudders once they are approximately half way across, Carly turning to inquire.
Carly: What's wrong Dave?
Dave: Sorry, I just can't shake the feeling that I've seen this scene somewhere before. That, and I kinda get the feeling that we should expect the appearance of a psychopathic, murderous bunny-rabbit any second now�
Carly: I knew this hero stuff was stressful. As soon as we've finished with C.H.I.M.P. then I want you to go home and rest up. It's not normal to have those thoughts Dave� I think you need to ease up a bit�
Dave: That� or cut back on watching Monty Python�
Dave now presses ahead towards the other side of the bridge as Carly pauses for a moment, mouthing "What's Monty Python?" to herself before following Dave to the other side. As they reach the end of the rickety wooden bridge they now stand, dwarfed by the large metallic door that stands defiantly in front of them. Assessing their surroundings, Dave and Carly now begin their search for an entrance into C.H.I.M.P.'s lair as Dave approaches a console which holds home to a numerous amount of buttons in which, Dave can only assume, the access code must be entered granting entrance to the secret lair. Dave slings his backpack from his shoulders to the floor, kneeling beside it as he begins to rummage, speaking as he does so.
Dave: If I can only find my electronic converter then I might be able to hook it up to this console thing, recalibrate the access codes and get us in that way�
Carly: Or� we could just ring the doorbell!
Dave puts a stop to his search as he looks up to Carly, his eyebrow raised as he looks to Carly with a somewhat confused expression, looking as if Carly had just said something completely unheard of as she progresses to explain herself.
Carly: Well, look at it this way� we're gonna end up fighting C.H.I.M.P. anyway, so what's the point of taking the stealthy approach? We may as well just bust in there, take him out, turn all the world leaders back into their normal state and get the hell out of here.
Dave: But� I wanted to use my cool gadgets� Ok, fine, we'll do it your way, but we may as well go in armed so we can take him out. Errm� here.
Dave pulls a green fishing rod out of his backpack and tosses it over to Carly as he pulls out a large stick of bamboo as his own weapon, spinning it playfully around him similar, in a way, to the style Shane McMahon wields a kendo stick. Carly watches this display with a narrow-eyed stare, looking somewhat disappointed with her own assigned weapon.
Carly: Um, Dave� a fishing rod? Jesus Christ, don't I get some kind of laser blaster or something? I mean, even a bamboo cane is a slightly more conventional weapon, what the hell am I meant to do with a fucking fishing rod?
Dave: (shouldering his backpack) Carly� you're a gnome remember? The ability to wield a fishing rod with a high level of skill is one of your powers� just like my ability to use the bamboo cane.
Carly: Yeah Dave� I can see that one of your powers is shining through right now� and it's not necessarily your abilities with a bamboo cane, more your incredible ability to annoy!
Dave: Ah come on, you'll be surprised just what you can do with that thing, trust me, once you get into the action, you won't know how you ever lived without it� come on, ring the bell and lets get this started already!
Carly sighs as she presses the large button to the side of the door that stands in front of them, inciting an ear-splittingly loud "ding-dong" as the doorbell sounds, calling C.H.I.M.P.'s attention to the door. The shot turns inside C.H.I.M.P.'s lair where we see the giant cybernetic monkey lead in an enormous bed, stirring to the sound of the doorbell. C.H.I.M.P. grumbles slightly upon the sounding of the bell as a second sounds, causing him to reluctantly pull himself up out of his bed, his metallic exterior exposed as being covered with banana pyjamas as he pulls back the bedcovers. He puts his feet into two furry banana-shaped slippers as he shuffles towards the door, the cogs inside of him heard to be whirring as he does so. He then presses a button to the side of the door as it quickly slides open, C.H.I.M.P. seeing nothing in front of him as he stands in his pyjamas at the door. Looking around, C.H.I.M.P. almost turns to leave before eventually seeing both Pandaman and She-Gnome stood at his feet, Dave only as tall as the legs he stands on, adding his torso and head on top of this, C.H.I.M.P. stands at approximately 17ft high. Upon seeing the two heroes at his door, he breathes out a mechanical roar, raising his fist looking to slam it down on the heads of the two superheroes. Carly, however, quickly puts her fishing rod to use, flinging it to hook onto a large teddy bear that sits on C.H.I.M.P.'s bed. Carly then grabs hold of Dave and reels them in, pulling them out from underneath C.H.I.M.P.'s fist and dragging them towards the bear on C.H.I.M.P.'s bed.
Dave: See, I told you that you'd find it useful. Right� now that we're in, it's my turn. There's an opening on his head that can get you down into his stomach where Killer is. If I get up onto his head and bash it open then you aim the hook down the hatch and hook Killer on the end. Don't worry, it won't hurt him, just get him out. Once Killer's free then we'll look to shutting down the Bananatron and, eventually, C.H.I.M.P. himself.
Carly nods nervously as she looks up to see C.H.I.M.P. running furiously towards them. Dave now runs from the bed and leaps into the air. Pushing the bamboo cane onto the floor, he pole-vaults into a summersault, taking the bamboo cane with him, as he shoots into the air and landing perfectly on C.H.I.M.P.'s head. Now stood there, C.H.I.M.P. stops running tries to swat Dave from his head. Dave now begins to bash his bamboo cane against the hatch he had earlier mentioned to Carly, pausing only to avoid the sweeping hands of C.H.I.M.P. as he sways them across his head looking to fling Dave from it. As Dave now successfully opens the hatch, C.H.I.M.P. raises his hand directly above his head and smashes it down directly against his metallic skull. Before he can do this, however, Dave had managed to jump off as he now lands to the side of C.H.I.M.P.
Dave: Now Carly!
Carly, obeying Dave's order, now flings the hook forward with a perfect aim down the hatch on C.H.I.M.P.'s head that Dave had opened, C.H.I.M.P. left stunned after bashing himself in the head. Carly now reels the hook back in, Dave delighted to see his duck shoot out along with it, eventually landing beside Carly on C.H.I.M.P.'s bed. Dave now turns to see C.H.I.M.P. once more, who is slowly regaining his composure after his own headshot. Looking desperately, Dave now notices something that draws his attention. Directly above C.H.I.M.P.'s head there is an unknown hatch in the ceiling. Dave turns to look at Carly who now follows Dave's earlier line of sight and nods, casting her line out once more as she aims for the hatch above C.H.I.M.P.'s head, yanking it open as Dave dives towards Killer and Carly who still occupy the bed. From out of the hatch tumbles a huge collection of boulders that fall onto C.H.I.M.P.'s head, forcefully crushing his metallic structure underneath their weight as C.H.I.M.P. crumples to the ground, Dave looking to Carly with a smile as C.H.I.M.P. is at last defeated.
Carly: Oh my god, I don't know what I'm more surprised about, the fact that C.H.I.M.P. is finally defeated or the fact that you were right about the fishing rod thing.
Dave: Is it really that hard to admit that I'm right? Still, well done for it all Carly, at last I can take Killer and return home, dinner's probably getting cold by now�
Carly: (watching Dave as he presses a button on his watch) Um� Dave� aren't you forgetting something? I mean� don't we need to turn off the Bananatron before we go anywhere?
Dave: Oh� yeah�
Dave now looks around the large room they are in before turning to see an area beneath a glass roof, from which a large, banana shaped device is emitting colourful waves out into the world. Carly sees this too and goes to dart towards the area but Dave sticks his hand out to stop her. Carly looks oddly to Dave but he nods reassuringly. With that, a loud crash is heard, as the Panda Copter now smashes through the glass ceiling unexpectedly, the noise causing Carly to cringe and Killer to begin quacking loudly. As the Panda Copter touches down inside C.H.I.M.P.'s lair, Dave runs towards the helicopter whilst removing four long cables from his backpack. Dave approaches the Bananatron and searches for the large lever he saw C.H.I.M.P. pull earlier on the large screen back in the Panda Pad. Upon spotting it, he pulls it, the waves no longer emitting from the machine as the shot moves to various spots around the world, from 10 Downing Street to the White House, showing the world leaders changing back to their normal states� so, from yellow fruit to dull human vegetables. The shot now returns to C.H.I.M.P.'s lair as Dave is seen attaching the four cables to the Bananatron, and then to the Panda Copter. Carly, with Killer securely in her arms, runs up and climbs into the Panda Copter as Dave takes off, leaving C.H.I.M.P.'s lair behind but carrying the Bananatron behind him. He then flies from mount monkey and hovers over the deep chasm into which we saw Cloverman and Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy flung earlier.
Carly: Dave, you can't drop the Bananatron into there. I mean, what if it gets sent to Northern Ireland too, what if someone there uses it all over again?
Dave: Relax Carly, I mean, firstly, it'll probably get smashed on it's journey down anyway, and even if it doesn't, do you really think there's anyone in Northern Ireland with the intelligence to run that thing?
Carly: True� I guess�
Dave grins, pressing a button on the console that drops the Bananatron from the Panda Copter and into the dark abyss below. The Panda Copter then revs up and turns to fly off into the sunset, leaving a scenic end to this scenario as the narrator speaks the final voice over.
Narrator: And so, with the Bananatron disabled, the world leaders turned back into their usual selves and C.H.I.M.P. at last destroyed, we say goodbye to our heroes and recognise another job well done. Order is restored in this land and once again, we offer our thanks� to Pandaman!
With that, the ending credits roll, the theme tune being played once more as the fans in the SDE arena applaud the latest instalment of the Peculiar Perils of Pandaman. As the credits come to an end, however, it appears we are not yet through, as the scene returns to the broken rubble that is C.H.I.M.P.'s secret base. Focusing up towards the broken parts of C.H.I.M.P. himself, we now see some movement stirring beneath the rocks. Pushing aside a boulder stands a woman who only has hair on the top and either side of her head, for on the back of her head lies another face. This dual faced woman now stands, both mouths open, as we hear a cackle emerge from both mouths as this woman stands atop the defeated C.H.I.M.P. Who is this woman? What the hell does she find so funny? Time will tell as we await the next episode of The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman! |
