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Woman:  Pandaman, Pandaman, does whatever a panda can, sits on his ass, eating bamboo, when he feels like it he goes for a poo, look out, here comes a Pandaman!
Those watching leap up upon hearing the familiar music, can it be true, could we be forced to endure once more the mad ramblings of a kid that thinks he�s a panda? It would seem so, as everyone�s favourite window to the outside world now shows the nostalgic visage of a panda for the first time in well over 18months. Is it a dream? No, dreams are good. Besides, nobody�s asleep, they may be by the end of this introduction but, for now, everyone is alertly witnessing the opening segment of The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman. As the opening theme draws to a close, the scene now draws in on a freeze frame of Colin Leslie, otherwise known as Cloverman, who is depicted falling to his doom down a cliff, courtesy of Fran the Fuck-whit Fairy. The voice of the narrator now booms in typical cheesy superhero cartoon style, ready to open the scene (think deep, manly voice from someone who clearly spends his weekends sat in Amsterdam city centre, complete with mini-skirt, lacy stockings and the standard-issue red light, calling himself �Dolly�).
Narrator: *a-hem* And so, after a lengthy hibernation, we find our heroes back once again to bring justice, valour and new-found heights of stupidity to the masses. When we last left our heroes, Pandaman had just vanquished the evil C.H.I.M.P. and saved the world from being ruled by brainless vegetables� but there�s been elections in both the U.S. and the U.K. since then and both brainless vegetables are still in power� sometimes I wonder why we even bother. Since the defeat of C.H.I.M.P. and the destruction of the Bananatron, Pandaman returned home and he and his sidekicks returned to the reality of Bristolian life (I say reality, it�s still quite surreal most of the time). As for Cloverman, who was doomed by Fran the Fuck-whit fairy to the fiery pits of *a-hem* Northern Ireland, it became evident that Northern Ireland was unavailable. For reasons unknown to the great wide cosmos, Northern Ireland refused to accept Colin. Maybe they were full, maybe there was a mix up in the dimensional gateway at the bottom of the cliff, or maybe the inhabitants of Northern Ireland had grown so tired of having Colin in their country, that the suggestion of keeping him there for eternity was so bleak that they simply refused to allow him to re-enter the country. Nobody knows for sure, not even our writer, but the transdimentional gateway automatically diverted Colin to the closest thing to hell after Northern Ireland. Yes, Colin was sent to spend an eternity in the pit of a Download Festival toilet� I�ll let the rest of the story speak for itself.
As the scene now fades from the freeze frame of Colin in a somewhat perilous state, we are now met with a sea of tents pitched on a large field. The people walking through this collection of tents are mainly large, longhaired men sporting scruffy black T-shirts and torn three-quarter length jeans, the primary clientele of a rock festival. The camera pans over the tents, taking in a number of different flags that will help the drunken masses find their tents once the music lets out for the night. We then come to the oozing quagmire, which is a compulsory part of every music festival, that squelches under the feet of anyone who walks over it. The camera then catches sight of a familiar figure rushing across the quagmire. Armed with a roll of toilet paper under his arm, the large figure quickly paces over the mass of mud away from the camera. The camera then gives chase, this man�s profile facing away from us, as the viewers take note of the large man�s attire. A head sporting short brown hair is visible above a black �New Found Glory� hoody, the bottom of said hoody hanging loosely over the top of a pair of �Bolt� jeans. Rushing up to follow this figure, the camera now draws up alongside this 6�4� New Found Glory fan and focuses the camera at the side of his face. As many may have gathered from his attire, it is, in fact, Dave Haile, the not so secret identity of Pandaman.
Dave: Fuck, I knew I shouldn�t have bought a kebab from a van at a music festival. �But it�ll taste so good� he says� fucking conscience, you�re supposed to discourage these things!
Dave then continues to race past the camera and turns off into a fenced off area marked �Toilets�. The camera follows until he reaches his chosen porta-loo and then closes the door behind him (we would�ve followed him in, but this is a family show, we can�t show things like that, however small these things might be). The metallic clink of a belt followed by a short rustling noise seems to be the cue for a loud, deep groan of relief. The words �Fucking hell! That stinks!� are heard from the toilet�s occupant as the audience are left to cringe from the thought of what has just been released from our hero�s rear end. Then, a noise nobody expected echoes through the porta-loo�
Voice: Davey?
Dave: �God?
Voice: No you idiot� down here!
More shifting about inside the porta-loo can be heard as Dave turns to look down the chute into the pit of urine and faeces that countless people have been expelling their bowels into.
Dave: Colin! Oh My God!? How long has it been bud?
Colin: 1 Year! 6 Months! And 2 fucking days!
Dave: Yeah, I guess it's been a while, so, what ya been up to?
Colin: Spending the last year and a half getting shat on by fat idiots like you!
Dave: Um... why?
Colin: Have you forgotten EVERYTHING to do with C.H.I.M.P. and Fran the fucking Fuck-whit Fairy?
Dave: Oh yeah... weren't you sent back to Ireland?
Colin: No, I was sent HERE!
Dave: Again... why?
Colin: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!? It�s not as if there�s anybody else down in this pit of shit that I could ask!
Dave: Alright... um... want a hand out?
Colin: In the eighteen months that I�ve been stuck down here, why are you the first person to say that?
Dave: Most people wouldn't want to touch a crazy Irishmen covered in shit, even I'm having reservations about it...
Colin: Will you just shut the fuck up and get me the hell out of here?
Dave: Alright, hang on, I need to wipe my ass first.
Colin: �please tell me you�re kidding.
Dave: Hygiene first Colin. Besides, you�ve had enough pieces of shitty toilet paper thrown in your face over the last year, surely you can stand a few bits more�
A few more moments elapse before we eventually hear the whaling of the pump action toilet flush, followed shortly afterward by a scream of disgust from Colin below. Instead of apologising, however, our hero lets out a little snigger before we hear more rustling and the metallic clink of Dave�s belt before he emerges from behind the door of the porta-loo. Turning to face the porta-loo, Dave takes a few moments to size up his opponent, eyeing the porta-loo up and down, backing away as he does so. Once he has taken about five or six steps away from the porta-loo, he breaks into a run and launches himself at the porta-loo door. The force is enough to topple the porta-loo (although, lets be fair, a strong gust of wind capable of capsizing one of these) and the plastic structure comes crashing to the ground. With the plastic structure wrenched from the ground, the pit below is now exposed to the daylight as the camera zooms in on the collection of human waste (and Colin, although he could quite easily be included in this category). Our hero then joins the camera as he peers over the edge of the pit, the helpless Colin reaching up with earnest. Dave, however, seems less eager to make contact with his friend, screwing up his face in disgust.
Colin: Well? Aren�t you going to help me out of here?
Dave: What? And actually TOUCH you? After eighteen months, you may be used to it, but touching human shit is not something civilised people do.
Colin: And you�re a civilised person?
Dave: Hey! I took the time to wipe my ass didn�t I? Just stay there, I�ll be back in a minute�
Colin: �yeah, that�s right, stay here, as if I�ve got a choice�
Colin�s speech then fades into mumbling, although, from the words that can be picked out, that cannot be repeated here for reasons marked down to censorship, it is a fair estimation that the mumbling is not overly complimentary of our Bristolian hero. It appears, however, Dave heard nothing of what the Irishman said, as he has since left and returned, now armed with a long flagpole, presumably stolen from a nearby tent. Dave then lowers the pole into the pit and Colin grabs hold of the end. After a few failed attempts to haul Colin from his putrid prison, these failures marked down to the fact that shit + hands = slippery, Dave eventually manages to pull Colin from the pit. As Colin climbs to his feet, he looks up at Dave and spreads his arms.
Colin: I�m free! Thank you Davey! Thank you so much!!
Colin then attempts to hug Dave but Dave is quick to dodge the Irishman.
Dave: Oh no! You aint touching me looking and smelling like that! You need a shower bud!
Colin: But the queues are so long. It�ll take me an age to finally rid myself of this stench.
Dave: You know what? Something tells me that, if you�re stood behind someone in the queue, they�re gonna give up their place for you�
Colin: You think so?
Dave: Are you KIDDING? I couldn�t stand in a half hour queue with a stench like that stood 4 inches behind me! I mean, you smell bad to someone four MILES away! They�re gonna let you shower!
Colin: And if they don�t?
Dave: Leave them to me�
Colin shoots a nervous glance at Dave yet, in return, Colin only receives an evil grin. Dave then leads the way to the showers, leaving Colin to merely follow with a confused look on his face. As the pair approach the campsite showers, the camera remains outside the shower area. As soon as Colin enters the enclosure, we are left to bear witness to various people abandoning their place in the queue, coughing, spluttering and retching as they try to escape Colin�s stench. After a short while, we hear a commotion from inside the shower area in the form of raised voices. After an extended period of ranting from an unknown source, we eventually hear the voice of our Bristolian hero bellow the words �FREE HUG!�. Shortly afterwards, a large man emerges from the shower area, retching to the point of vomiting and covered in human waste. Moving past the stubborn gentleman that now beings to vomit on the grass outside the shower enclosure, the camera now moves in to the enclosure, displaying a somewhat shocked Colin and a very smug Dave.
Colin: That was your great �leave it to me� idea? Shove them into the guy covered in shit?
Dave: Worked didn�t it? You have to learn to trust me Colin, my ideas always go according to plan.
Colin: I�ve noticed, that�s what scares me. It�s as if you�ve got some kind of control over what happens in the world.
Dave: That might be down to the fact that I�m the one writing out everything that happens�
Colin: What?
Dave: Hmm? Oh, nothing, just get in the shower will you? I know you probably don�t notice it, but the stench is unbearable. Even the flies can�t stand the smell of you!
Groaning slightly, Colin then walks into the shower cubicle and Dave begins to walk away, leaving Colin to the thorough cleaning he now has to undergo. The camera now follows Dave out of the shower enclosure and across the campsite. Casting a casual glance over at the man still vomiting due to the �free hug� inflicted by our young hero, Dave lets out another snigger before navigating his way over the quagmire and through the sea of tents, heading back to his own tent. We come across a small collection of four tents with a small patch of grass situated between them all, this grass laden with rectangular patterns where the grass has been charred beneath disposable BBQ�s. Sat beside one of the tents is a pair of people who greet Dave with a smile. One, a brown haired girl that slightly, only slightly mind you, resembles She-Gnome, and the other, a young male with long hair and a cheque jacket.
Dave: Leanne, Will, you�ll never guess who I just ran into�
Will: Kather?
Dave: Who?
Will: You know, that weird two headed bitch that showed up at the end of your last Pandaman adventure thingy?
Dave: No, she doesn�t exist any more�
Leanne: How can she just �not exist any more�?
Dave: I don�t know, how can Will have testicles when his voice sounds like that? It�s just a fact ok? Now, no more mention of this Kather lady�
Leanne: But she�
Dave: But nothing! She doesn�t exist because I couldn�t be assed to make anything out of her, now, can you please just shut up and let me tell you who I actually ran into?
Will: I�m enjoying guessing, it�s getting you rather pissy.
Dave: Fine, I won�t tell you who I met then�
Leanne: Oh, go on, ignore Will, he�s just enjoying the fact that you�re the one getting the abuse rather than him.
Will: But I get so much, surely it�s Dave�s turn!
Leanne: It�s never Dave�s turn! I dunno how he does it, but he always seems to come out on top of any joke or insult.
Dave: That might be down to the fact that I�m the one writing out everything that happens�
Will: What?
Dave: Hmm? Oh, nothing, now, are you going to let me tell you who I ran in to or not?
Leanne: Go on then Dave, who did you run in to?
Dave: Colin!
Will: Colin who?
Dave: You know, Colin, Colin Leslie, the Irish geezer!
Leanne: Colin!? You mean �Cloverman� Colin?
Dave: Yeah! My old sidekick. After he got thrown off that cliff by that fairy that was so frighteningly like my sister that I shudder every time I look my sister in the eye, he didn�t end up back in Ireland after all, he got sent to the pit of a Download porta-loo.
Will: So, basically, you expect us to believe that, somehow, after being thrown off a cliff, Colin survived and wound up in the pit of a porta-loo?
Dave: Yeah, in the same way that I expect you to believe that an 18yr old can fly a helicopter, that the same 18yr old saved the world from a giant metallic monkey, and that bananas are, in fact, a vegetable.
Leanne: I know it doesn�t make sense, so why am I inclined to agree with it?
Dave: That might be down to the fact that I�m the one writing out everything that happens�
Will: What?
Dave: Hmm? Oh, nothing� But yeah, Colin�s just getting showered, thank fuck, so he should be with us in about 3hours� he�s plastered in a lot of shit.
Leanne: So, what does this mean? I mean, I know that you�ve been talking about replacing your sidekicks. I mean, with Carly unavailable and Colin trapped in Northern Ireland for eternity, I thought me and Will were going to take their place. But now, with Colin back, what�s going to happen Dave?
Dave: Oh, don�t worry, I have irritating powers for you all. Instead of having sidekicks, we�ll just have to create a team of superheroes.
Will: Do my powers HAVE to be irritating?
Dave: Of course they do, how else will they be effective?
Will: They could be devastating�
Dave: Yeah, but this way�s more fun�
Leanne: So, what do you have in mind Dave?
Dave: Don�t worry Leanne, you and Will already have your powers deep inside of you. I mean, Colin was lucky due to his Irish origins, I enhanced that to make him one of the luckiest men on the planet. I was annoying due to the fact that, well, I�m a prick. But I enhanced that to make me one of the most annoying men on the planet, I can do the same for you guys!
Will: You don�t need any enhancement to make you one of the most annoying men on the planet dude. Besides, am I really meant to believe that the �luckiest man on the planet� spent the last eighteen months in a pool of human waste? Some luck eh?
Dave: Ok, so maybe Colin needs to get his powers touched up a bit. We�ll all get it done, it�ll kinda initiate us all as a superhero team.
Will: You�re going to enhance your powers too? How the hell could you become more annoying?
Dave: Don�t try me bwoi, believe me, it can be done.
Will: Oh god�
Narrator: And so, we leave our hero on the brink of a revolutionary crime fighting force. With new recruits, along with the return of an old friend, Pandaman seems more threatening to the world of evil-doers that ever before. But what powers will his friends gain? How will Pandaman enhance these powers? And how can Dave become even more irritating. Tune in next time to find out when we continue �The Peculiar Perils of Pandaman!� |
