By Dave Pease (The Confessor)
with Sir Raydmon (Lord Minister of Pavement)
(reprinted from the Nov 1993 issue of "Reader's Digest" without permission)
First, the average Paver [TM] will picture it from space: an ominous looking black ball that blots out the stars and seems to draw light into it. Around the ball can be seen great noxious and unhealthy looking cloudbanks, fleeting around the globe with gloomy singlemindedness. If one looks closely, tiny brightly-colored objects traverse the surface of this bizarre orb in seemingly random directions, with nothing in common between any two save their intense speed of movement. A glistening chrome ball may or may not be seen orbiting the dusky globe, casting it's clinical, sinister light on it's larger neighbor. The preceeding scene may sound, to those of you who lack The Vision [TM], like a grotesque description of the latest computer game or a fantastic drug-induced illusion. This is not the case. In fact, the scene just described is the true destiny of our planet: to be bathed in a tarry bath of purest pavement which will serve as the truest testimonial to our complete control over our environment.
Now I can picture you, casting questioning looks at your spouse or your significant other, wondering if perhaps he or she has The Vision [TM] that you lack. This is to be expected. Perhaps laying out our plan of action in front of you, that you may see exactly what we are going to do, will help you down the road of enlightenment. I certainly hope so; for those who do not share in the dream of a Paved Earth [TM] are in for hard, hard times.
(by Sir Raydmon)
The Holy Order of Asphalt is a new religious order springing from alt.pave.the.earth. We believe the only way to truly save the planet is to pave the planet. Pave it until there is nothing but beautiful asphalt covering every inch of the outer earth. This will also show our obvious superiority over all other inhabitants of this planet, AND EVEN THE PLANET ITSELF!!!
What we want is simple. Our Number One Unifiying Goal is to Pave The Earth. Period. Beyond this, we will be busy repairing and patching up the planet wide layer of pavement, driving our HyperCars [TM] to and fro on the earth's surface, polluting rampantly and shortsightedly using up our Precious And Limited Natural Resources [TM], and, depending on the resolution of the Chroming question, Chroming The Moon [TM].
Unfortunately, we will also be cruelly and unusually mistreating our Pit Slaves [TM], who will be headed by the unfortunates who found their way onto The List [TM]. These people, who will form the vast (but powerless) majority of people in the earth, will be kept busy performing all manner of drudge work eighteen hours a day in the Hydro Pits [TM], or other suitably nasty locations. They will do backbreaking work in poor conditions with the Electric Goupillion Flail [TM] of the heartless Hydro Pit Boss [TM] breaking over their huddled figures. The casualty rate is expected to be high, but as any true Paver [TM] knows, shit happens.
At this point you may be wondering where everyone will live, if the earth is to be covered in a smooth layer of asphalt. Well, the answer should be obvious if you think about it, but I'll tell you anyway: everything we need to live will be situated underground. We will eat, sleep, and make love either in our HyperCars [TM], or underground in more permanant places. There will be no structures or buildings or natural landmarks on the paved earth.
A useful followup would be: what is going to happen to all that is on the surface of the planet presently? I will do my best to account for anything that might seem to cause the pavers a problem:
OCEANS: the oceans of the world will be roofed over and drained. This will provide millions of cubic miles of useable space for us without picking up a shovel. The water that once resided in these great natural basins is plainly overkill, as there is no longer any need for rain, and no creatures remain which must live in water. We will build many gigantic tanks in which to hold water from the oceans; once purified, it will be quite useful for brewing and hydro pit watering. The vast remainder will not be needed. Some of it will be converted to it's base elements; the rest will be jettissoned off the earth and into outer space in the form of great ice cubes.
MOUNTAINS: mountains will, of course, be flattened. This will be accomplished using something we call the Universal Paving Engine [TM]. Plans for the UPE are not available; unfortunately, the UPE could be modified to create great *gouges* in the earth, which is plainly idiotic and dangerous. Since there are idiotic and dangerous people out there, we cannot give them any machines with which to damage the earth's surface.
TREES: all trees (and other plants) will be destroyed. Of course, Hydro Pits [TM] without plants are a silly idea; the holy Hop and the great Barley must be preserved, as must plant material to feed the Blind White Cave Cow [TM] (which will provide us with the beef and cheese for our holy cheeseburgers) and the lowly Pit Slaves [TM], who will subsist entirely on a diet of grain hulls and gelatin at this printing. All other forms of vegetable life will be removed from the planet.
ANIMALS: as has been previously stated, Blind White Cave Cows [TM] are neccessary to make hamburgers. But no other animals will be permitted. With the destruction of their food supply and habitat, all other species will be extinct very soon after Paveday 1.
CITIES: these outdated human dwellings will be destroyed brick by brick, and the foundations will be plowed under. All present streets will be preserved when possible, and assimilated into the pavement covering the earth on Paveday 1.
The methods we will use for destroying natural and artificial obstacles on the surface of the earth have already been outlined. The completion of these efforts will see a flat, dry, lifeless sphere that is primed for paving. At this point, the Holy Paving Crew will take over, and the actual paving will begin in earnest. Construction crews will meanwhile be outfitting the area where the oceans used to be for human habitation, and installing the first Hydroponics Pits [TM] and Plutonium Mills [TM]. As soon as this is completed, work on HyperCar [TM] factories will begin in earnest.
The resolution of these efforts will be a Paved Earth.
That's easy. You can do one of two things: you can help us, or you can hinder us.
Those who help will be welcomed into the fold and richly rewarded for their efforts on PaveDay 1. Those that do not will find themselves as Pit Slaves [TM] due to their indifference.
All that actively hinder us will recieve terrible terrible retribution once we are in power.
It's up to you. Help, or don't. But please do not say that "nobody ever told *me* that this was going to happen!" when you are in the billet line for the Hydro Pits [TM]. The thing pavers least like are people who whine too much, since they remind us so much of nugget environmental politically correct freaks that belittle our cause at every turn.
We are coming. The Plan [TM] has foretold this. You have been warned.
finis
I hope this clears things up a bit. As you will note, this document is a bit dated, and things have changed (and progressed) since publication, but the ocean bit is still legitimate to the best of my knowledge. Thank you for your time dp the absent minded confessor List Admin 3 -- dave pease [email protected] "I do see McDonald's as the core of modern evil, because it's the death industry." - Morrissey, musician and ethical visionaryLast checked October 9, 1995.