Re: [pf] (1) gifts: bad?

At 11:24 AM 1/4/00 -0800, David MacClement wrote:
>**  Over the last ~5 years, I have become anti-gifts.

I've found that I haven't completed my excursion away from Madison Avenue's 
influence.  Because this year's Christmas had us sending Walt the money 
that would have gone to adult gift-buying in the family, the tree did not 
have its usual pile beneath it before going to Maryland nor upon our 
return.  I was surprised at my own reaction.  Intellectually I knew that it 
was a good thing not to shop for alot of things, waste alot of wrapping 
paper, deal with things I or my recipient don't really don't need, etc., 
but I was well aware that feelings were surfacing that weren't nearly as 
appreciative of the situation.  I've been wondering if its just memories of 
childish delight of anticipation, or perhaps even feelings of deprivation 
that actually produced a strong negative emotional response against all 
those positive thought processes.

I cheated badly this year, and gave all the kids money (including my own), 
and in fact, didn't even get to the bank until I was in Maryland.  Yeah, 
I'm putting in far too many hours at work, but a nasty little feeling tells 
me I'm making excuses.  As much as I hate to shop during the rest of the 
year, I know there is something about Christmas that makes shopping 
different.  I didn't get into the spirit of Christmas hardly at all this 
year, nearly missed it entirely.  Nothing in the house would have been 
Christmasy, if Eric hadn't decorated the tree for us while I was sound 
asleep, if he hadn't played Christmas CDs instead of rock and roll.  I've 
tried to tell myself that those feelings are only residuals of decades 
worth of brainwashing to Madison Ave.'s expectations, and that it only 
shows how powerful that brainwashing is, but my heart doesn't seem to be 
buying it too well.  I can only be surprised at myself at this point.

>**  Then I connected this with my other budding awareness, that quite a lot
>of what one person does for others is in the nature of a gift, such as
>washing the dishes, making the meals, being quiet when they've got a
>headache or want to sleep, being willing to listen immediately when
>talked-to (rather than only with a corner of your attention), etc.

Indeed these are gifts, and are so often taken for granted.  We seem to 
have such a highly developed capacity to determine and proclaim our 
dissatisfactions, yet be barely able to conceive of gratitude or 
gratefulness for anything.  It is said that happiness has nothing to do 
with getting what you want, and everything to do with wanting what you have.

>while I appreciate the cooked meal, the extra value over my
>easily-made sandwiches is insufficient to be worth wasting time doing
>something I dislike; my sandwiches require no washing up.

I understand all too well what you mean here.  My appreciation of food is 
so minimal that I am happier to just put some water on to boil and eat some 
instant grits with butter than to deal with anything better.  But again, 
emotionally I know I am letting my head rule over my heart and am depriving 
myself of the emotional/soul satisfactions that the preparation and eating 
of good food can be.  I'm pretty much a failure in a kitchen, which makes 
it easier for my head to rule on that count.  But on New Year's Day, when 
Eric cooked me some of my favorite food, scrambled eggs and whole wheat 
toast with butter, I became aware of pleasures far beyond simple tastiness.

>I'd much prefer
>to sit in a deckchair watching the sun set, and I don't get a charge out of
>talking to friends.

I trust you'll forgive my rudeness when I say that I don't buy this for one 
minute, David.  I recognize a kindred soul when I experience one and you 
can't tell me that if you and I were sitting face to face on that deck that 
we couldn't talk delightedly for days on end.  I mean, puleeeze.  ;)

>**  To get back to the point.
>     I would guess that 75% to 90% of what people buy is not explicitly
>needed or even requested, and if it wasn't bought, the "lack" would not be
>noticed. I suspect that a lot of what people /do/ is similarly not actually
>necessary, on the same criterion.
>
>**  Unnecessary, and therefore a waste.

I also recognize a fault you and I both share.  We let our heads rule 
us.  We analyze too much.  We forget that there is a heart, with feelings 
that can be as much an experience as our thoughts.  We both must start 
recognizing what those feelings are telling us, David.  Our minds are ego 
and not real.  Our hearts are the only things that are real.  Feelings are 
real.  Feelings interpreted by mind are badly corrupted.  I challenge you 
as I am challenging myself.  Shut off the head and start listening to the 
heart.  We are both uneducated and ignorant in this realm.  You could start 
by trying to answer what it is about that sunset you are watching above 
that makes you appreciate it.  Admit it, it's more than just the colors, 
isn't it?  ;}

With love to a kindred soul and friend,
tully



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