| Monkey in a Bar A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble." Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!" So the monkey and the man left. The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay. Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!" The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it." |
| Monkey Jokes |
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| Terrible Accident A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident. A man and a woman both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop says, "hey monkey ... you know what happened?" monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some kind cop: "They were drinking?" monkey: Nods head vigorously cop: "What else?" monkey: Mimes smoking a joint cop: "They were smoking dope?" monkey: Nods head vigorously cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?" monkey: Mimics a kiss cop: "They were kissing?" monkey: Nods very vigorously cop: "This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this?" monkey: makes motion as if he were driving and looking behind him... |
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| The Mime One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" |
| Tree Full of Monkeys An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. |
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