Author: Pierpaulo De Stavola
When the coach arrives an hour and a half late and you discover your toaster and kettle are rendered useless due to the lack of electricity in your accommodation, you begin to condemn a camp to the �One-to-forget-about� bin. However, the majority of cadets questioned claim the camp to be memorable, so in this opening passage I would extend my congratulations to the camp planners and SNCO team for performing quite a turn-around over the week.
Bum-licking aside, we would all agree Nesscliff was good, the food was good, we went to Alton Towers and any bad memory, such as a lack of hexy-mane on the night-ex, was erased by the fact we won. SGS CCF, the contingent who spends their parades playing ultimate Frisbee, vandalising the 6th form centre and abusing the �Officer-Cadet relationship�, won something worthy of replacing the hair collection of Karl Eze�s year which currently occupies the mantelpiece in the CCF Office. Perhaps this is an exaggeration, we do spend time on our drill, weapon handling and field manoeuvres, but the extent to which we outperformed the other CCF contingent begs the question: �What the fuck do they do on their parades?�
So let�s try to answer. We will have all noticed Dundee High School, who were mainly found outside our stores playing rugby, fondling each other and combing their over-grown mullets, what else could they do at parades but practice something only Ben Howard would describe as acceptable? Our closest competitors were Taunton High School, beating us in both the shooting and timed runs, yet they only had 13 cadets � suggesting that they are not only cheats but promoters of inequality and elitism. It has to be a bit of a scary thought when a contingent consisting of characters such as Saqib Brahman and Adam Wright managed to top the charts in fitness, marksmanship and presentation.
The surprise of camp has to be how Peter Wright convinced the basic cadet that cleanliness should be of top priority. Never have billets been so clean and absent of shaving foam marks. This camp has to be the only camp where the only shits I saw were my own and not those of a cadet who chose to present his excretion to the world by forgetting to flush the chain. The Lance Corporal of the Horse in question must have used some sort of brain-washing technique to over-turn years of cadet culture which date back further than the years of Eze, Carroll, Spickett and Honeyman.
On the subject of CCF folklore, how far have the 85ths managed to write themselves into the history books? Will the names of Kempton, Allen, Jones and Pearson be on the lips of cadets who they have never met? Will next years cadets think of Adam Pearson as the GIMP they never met, just like I associate abnormal physical fitness and determination (To cut pomposity, being �Nails�) with Luke Brear, a cadet I have never met? The answer: how can they not be?
They are the biggest year group in the world with a diverse range of characters who have managed to shape both the CCF and the years below them as they please. No year below, or maybe even above, can claim to have not been influenced by the 85ths. Personally, I will never forget that Adam Person was the man who gave me my first homosexual experience by drooping his testicles over my eyes (Known as �Arabian Goggles�) while I slept. I will never forget it was Martin Jones who first took me under his wing and showed me the CCF and its workings when I was a lowly year 9 cadet. I don�t anyone can say they haven�t had Luke Cunliffe�s infamous �Leary fuck-wittedness� brush off on them when they attempt to make callous jokes or remarks among friends. Can we forget Neel and his ability to forget stores whether he be a normal cadet or head of stores? Can we forget Ricky and James Dick�s break dancing? Will we forget that putting your fingers between your belt-buckles was first endorsed by Graham Love?
They have left a huge mark on the CCF, whether we like it or not. They�re gone now, but I bet you whoever next year�s GIMP is, every cadet will tell you �He was never as good as Pearson�. No matter how much of a leary fuck-wit Sam Arnold becomes, every cadet will say �Luke was funnier�. We aren�t going to escape them any time yet, so we might as well accept the fact that we�re going to call group showering �Team Showers� and flashing your genitals publicly will no longer be known as indecent exposure, but �Doing a Pearson�.
As much as we could complain about waiting around for hours to go canoeing, doing everything backwards and broken slideshows, the 85ths went out on a high.
Author: Ben Ross
Date: 11/07/05
So i predicted it before CCF Camp and i know proudly say, i was right. Main Camps bring with them a lot of tradition; girls crying, guys leaving and a piss-easy assault course (will we ever find one more difficult than Folkestone???). However it also holds darker traditions, that of almost illegal CCF love. With the year9 girls being fully integrated into the CCF for the first time, they will also for the first time catch the eyes of the older cadets.
It was on my year9 main camp that our year9 girls caught the eyes of both the year above and the oldest year (Teresa's infamous tennis dress anyone?). The following year it was the turn of Joe Favarta and Ria Stream (ooh memories) and now this year it was the turn of one jolly year9 cadet to catch the eyes of two year11 guys. In the first few days I clearly noticed the beginnings of a relationship between one year11 cadet in my section and this innocent year9. However whilst it began to build up over the last couple of days, there stepped in a rival to steal this pimps crown jewel.
Gibson would be appalled by such paedophilic actions, but clearly he had changed his mind here and pursued the girl with no regret. It came to a head in the final briefing when both male cadets sat next to the year9 hopelessly flirting with her. As me and Tom Marshall stated, it was "so fucking obvious". In the end, the year9 chose neither male, but both year11s are hopelessly diving for that year9 crown.
Author: Ben Ross
Date: 11/07/05
Day 1: Travel by coach, coach is late. Me NJ and Pier sleep recovering from a night of no sleep and too much drum and base.
Day 2: Rock climbing, Ab-Sailing and Mountain Biking. Not enough time on the rock climbing, too much time for the ab-sailing, a theme that would be concurrent with the camp. Mountain biking memorable just for the conversation between Parmontier and Favarta. Day Phil broke his leg...our year is still in mourning for him, an end of a career?! (but whose??)
Day 3: Canoeing, waiting far too long to get onto the water in horrible weather. Spent all day waiting to get in a boat for 45 minutes...whats all that about?
Day 4: Alton Towers! Fun Fun Fun; Me and Mikey loving the thrill rides, NJ and Pier loving the gay loving on the log flume. Followed by a weird night ex that began a bit dissapointingly (not enough to do in the pitch darkness) but at least it wasnt the 8hours sleep of October.
Day 5: The alrite night ex became something interesting with a lot to do. Everyone i know liked the final assault and enjoyed beating the WANG.
Day 6: Military Day, ruined by the bombings in London. Paintballing a bit dissapointing...its no fun if you cant get shot back. Memorable for the CTT quote, "i heard youve done a night ex, well thats good preperation for this day".
Day 7: Survival Day, got to skin a rabbit. Even the veggies joined in. Some very boring CTT members, some very interesting, some just got abused for their stand about being in the ACF (pikeys). Day began with an assault course followed by a timed run. Which began at 7 in the morning, straight after breakfast. Memorable because the guys Army Volunteers couldnt do the monkey bars.
Day 8: Home...winners of the week. Slept on coach before a drunken party celebrating the end of an era.
Author: Peter Wright
Date: June 2005
The end of Nescliffe 2005; it�s that time of year again. Yes, Camp Awards, often the most amusing and rewarding event of camp, although often when you�re too shagged out to remember who won what, or what they were even bothering to award. So here for you dear readers, are the Awazing Awards that could help you achieve your dream (depending on whether your dream is leading the Contingent or furious wanking in the showers).
CADET OF CAMP
The first and most prestigous award, also known as Creep of Camp, is awarded to the cadet who scrapes, sucks or crawls the most. The prize is a surprisingly good one � although is often covered in a mixture of spunk, sweat and chemicals from the officer�s billet � being a green scrim scarf. Frequently referred to as the Hobsie Scarf or some bollocks, the reason why is unknown: Almost certainly relating to a lonely mountain side, a lost cadet and one randy officer. Answers on a postcard, please.
Good ways to win this award:
- Save an officer�s life
- Seduce or sexually tease an officer
- Be an utter creep who�ll do (or take) anything
- Be a model cadet (practically impossible without achieving the previous)
Previous winners: Fuck it, everyone wins this. Simply by hanging around long enough in front of an officer will qualify you.
A pointless award that was insituted to bring an air of sexual equality to the CCF. Don�t joke yourself ladies, Nonsuch may be a fine centre for education, but it doesn�t necessarily produce good cadets (no names mentioned, like Emily Best). This is often awarded to a girl who was naturally unable to win a decent award due to the superiority of the male race. Winners of this can console themselves that they�ve been giving more than one member of the officer team hardons.
Good ways to win this award:
- Be female or at least appear that you are
- Wear very little, preferably nothing
- Seduce or sexually tease as many male officers as possible
Previous winners: Names censored, although likely to be starring in a porno flick sometime soon.
NCO OF CAMP
Awarded to the NCO most symbolic of SGS CCF: A tough rugged leader, who likes squirty shaving foam, lighting their own farts, drinking contests and generally doing as little as humanly possible. Although this is the case in reality, to an officer they will appear strong leaders who are also willing to take six of the best, trousers down, for their contingent.
Good ways to win this award:
- Be an utter creep who�ll do (or take) anything
- Develop your physical fitness/leadership skills and actually be a decent NCO (highly unlikely)
- Bribery, ratting on your friends for destroying the billets
Previous winners: All the past and present leaders of the contingent, and probably a few that shouldn�t have done but did like drunks.
GINGER OF CAMP
You�re ginger and a nob, ergo you win an award for being the prick that you are.
Good ways to win this award:
- Ginger hair
- Being a prick
Previous winners: Various ginger bitches.
GIMP DADDY
You joined the CCF not for the guns, the radios, or even the women. No, you were interested in the more minority diversions available to a young man: Sheep, homosexuality, fruit and vegetables. As a result, you spiralled into immorality that was filthy and frankly, gimpy, in an attempt to impress your so-called friends. We salute you Gimp Daddy and your prize: a hockey mask, a large cucumber and an inflatable sheep.
Good ways to win this award:
- Be male
- Lose all sense of morality or reality
- Do literally anything for a laugh e.g. rolling around in cow shit, then attempting to flush yourself down the billet toilet.
- Profusely irritate people with your antics
Previous winners: Phil Evans, Steve Biggs, Adam Pearson
THE SEXY WARFARE AWARD
Perhaps the second greatest award a cadet could possibly win, the Sexy Warfare Brear/Hossain Award comes with a very large trophy. It is rarely awarded, often due to its prestige, to the cadet who most demonstrates how cool and sexy they can be whilst in the field�or how far they can push it without actually being a total slut/poof. The award usually comes with more skimpy underwear and a magazine like �Mature Mommas� from Pearson�s porn collection.
Good ways to win this award:
- Bring lots of interesting/colourful hats/shirts/thongs into the field
- Always ponce around like a poof in Soho on his birthday
- Seduce an SNCO, or at least help their �little cadets stand to attention�
Previous winners: Teresa Edmonston, Ravi Aumeeran.
PIMP DADDY + STICK
The ultimate prize, win this and you will be remembered in CCF folkelore forever. First instituted by Carl Spickett, it is awarded to the man (yes it�s undeniably chauvanistic and that�s the way we like it, bitch) who demonstrates the most qualities of �pimpyness�. In reality, it�s actually awarded to the man with either the most surreal and disturbing or failure of a sex life, often the latter, who always persists in their idiosyncrasies. The award comes with the title �Pimp Daddy� and an absolutely amazing, crystal topped Pimp Stick. Only the previous Pimp can pass on the legacy.
Good ways to win this award:
- Suck up to the current Pimp
- Have a strange and much gossiped about sex life
- Flirt with biatches
Previous Pimps: Carl Spickett, Ravi Aumeeran.*
*The Stick was awarded temporarily for Wathgill 2004 to Phil Evans, but was taken away after that after it emerged he was the second secret closet gay of the L6th.