[Out of Character] - A Look into the Depths of Human Stupidity
by Garrison Netzel
January 4, 2000
Hello divisiontwo reader(s?), it's your editor-in-chief et al Garrison Netzel here, coming to you out of character for a moment to pass on a little something just for fun. I attend Macalester College full time, and so when I'm not smoking pot, I hold a part-time data entry job to pay for all the pot I smoke. This is a typical idiot job that involves no creative thought or special skills; all I do is type hand-written peer review forms into a database all day and then spell check them and fix simple grammatical errors. (Peer reviews forms are surveys in which people bitch about their coworkers anonymously -- it's supposed to help them improve.) Then our company sends these typed forms back to our clients. This is a multi-million dollar business, folks, which in and of itself is enough to make you want to cry, but just sifting through the atrocious spelling and grammar of some (actually, most) of these respondents, well, I spend a greater portion of each day weeping softly to myself in my cube. Absolutely NO ONE can put an apostrophe in the correct place. I have yet to encounter a case in which "judgment" is spelled correctly. No one who uses the word "proactive" has any clue what it means. Sometimes comments just trail off with no. And nine forms out of ten look like they were scribbled by a retarded third grader with a pen in his mouth.
Anyway, below is a list I've been compiling of some of the most idiotic comments I've come across over the past year. These are all completely real; I didn't make up a single one of these. My commentary is in red italics.
So go ahead and read on, if you dare to witness the raw, brutal truth about just how ignorant most people are of the English language.
I see Andreas with many strengths, a bit too political and very creative. Perhaps he could spend more time making happen what he creates rather than creating again before making it happen.
Yeah, man, I get it! I get it! It makes sense! Let's do another bowl.
"Human."
And you know what I mean by "that", nudge nudge, wink wink.
Get upset when you are angry.
That's good advice for all of us to follow.
Needs to lessen to colleagues prior to changing processes. Respect the rhythm of individuals, is demanding.
Needs to make nonsense verbs out of random nouns. Respect the proper use of a comma, is difficult.
I want to perform for him!
Okaaaaay...
DELEGETE!
Keep in mind, the person who wrote this *printed* it in big, lock letters and still didn't notice this mistake.
However he has a tendancy to be unflexible leading to challenges in ideas methods because he is not comfortable rather than the idea is wrong.
Typical run-on. I get about 900 like this a day.
Sometimes need more concise clearly state ideas.
You mean like you do?
She can effectively circumvent roadblocks but would be much happier leaving the road block behind and out of the way.
That's what "circumvent" means, idiot!
Take more time to "feed the monkeys," they are usually hungry.
I suspect this is code for something sexual, but I can't figure out what.
Voice your opinion! Early, often, louder or soften. Help us move fast, or we'll surely be last. Whether it's the phones--or in homes--you are the knowledge man, so go work your plan.
Okay at first, but then read it again. It's a poem!
English he needs improve.
Maybe you could give him some lessons.
(What do you see as this person's greatest strengths?)
My hand is too tired from filling in all those idiot circles to write any more.That's not why it's tired, I'm betting.
Arleen always puts herself on the other shoe w/c makes her a very compassionate staff.
She puts herself on the other shoe??? And what the fuck does w/c mean?
Do a problem uncomplicated.
Again, good advice for all of us to follow.
Sense for improveness.
I think people should have to be officiallyl tested and licensed before they can use the English language to communicate.
We expect great achievements from he.
Typical business-type trying to sound smart by using a nominative pronoun where an objective one is called for.
(This individual is especially effective in...)
In communicating what it wants from you.Some people think these forms are supposed to be SO anonymous that they're not supposed to refer to the person's gender.
(What do you see as this person's areas for improvement?)
Handwriting. Should have been a doctor.This particular sentence was written so poorly it took three people to decipher.
He life is he business.
No comment.
Spouty.
What?
Jim would rather due a task himself if he perceives this is better than the task being incomplete.
How did this mistake happen? How can you possibly write "due" when you mean "do"??? I never even saw one of my high school classmates make that mistake, and our town had uranium in the water.
She inserts themselves for the destinations of the enterprise with full force.
Poorly written, completely nonsensical, and yet, so very very dirty...
Always friendly even in stressy situations.
"Stressy". Like "dressy". Okay.
This questionnaire is a serious waste of John Hancock's money. Hats off to the people at your organization that convinced John Hancock management that this questionnaire is a valuable tool. They must be great salespeople.
I love this person. This comment made my day.
Tends to inhibit or deviate problems to others.
If I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate to shoot the person who wrote this.
Attend training to understand and adopt modern management techniques to attempt to be a change manager when present mindset is clearly entrenched in old-fashioned hierarchical management ideals concepts and symbols of subservience only result in a defocusing of energy into trivia which add no value to the business and demotivates the team.
Typical rambling of middle-manager type. We have a few who actually talk like this in our company.
(This individual is especially effective in...)
His current position because of his breath of knowledge and his work group.I could see this mistake if the person had typed it, but when it's hand-written, you KNOW the person has no clue that there's a difference between "breath" and "breadth." And they're not even pronounced the same!
She is trustworthful.
You are an idiotate.
High degree of independability.
If a foreigner wrote this, I can excuse it. If a native English speaker did, shoot him.
(What specific suggestions would you have for this person on how she/he could become an even more effective leader?)
Treat all people in his team like each other.Like each other what?
As he considered a senior manager he should be calm when facing any business problems because he is got very angry too fast which makes initiation and untrustful atmosphere to all the staff.
Grrrrrrr....
He is ready to coach his team to become more better and more productive.
No comment necessary.
If more patient to help himself to "be healthy," don't angry faster.
Written by the same guy who did your VCR instruction manual.
Will do anything when pressurized.
God, so would I!
She is treating people with kind and good smile.
Reminds me of a Japonese-printed T-shirt that read: "California: Happy go nice!"
I appreciate the family scent you spread in the group.
Now available as a Glade Plug-In!
Sastisfy people in 4 directions: below, above and beside his level.
Hmmm, let's see. Satisfy the people above you, under you, and on the same level as you. What's the fourth direction?
(What specific suggestions would you have for this person on how she/he could become an even more effective leader?)
Waste energy on side issues.How is that gonna help?
(What specific suggestions would you have for this person on how she/he could become an even more effective leader?)
To work in qualified items satisfactories to get to be highest satisfactories to become highest.Didn't Dilbert's boss say this once?
He communicates well both orally and verbally.
Well, they're both very important.
(This individual is especially effective in...)
Causing people to seek job opportunities with other companies.To whoever wrote this: I love you!
(What does this person do that you particularly appreciate?)
I appreciate Rich's donuts.
I appreciate it when Rich does the grunt work and leaves the technical challenges to us educated, qualified folk.Poor Rich. This form was written by a man, and at the end in the Other Comments section, the guy had written "Call me - Lisa" and put a telephone number. Probably some chick the poor schmo has a crush on. I feel bad for Rich.
Stays on top of team members making sure everyone has what they need.
Sounds like a boss I'd like to work for...if he's cute.
(This individual is especially effective in...)
Oral.Hey, it's an important skill if you want to get ahead.
Is helpful at all times no matter how buzzy he is.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Mick has moments of brilliance, especially when he's aware and fully conscious.
I like Mick.
Take more care for details of written communciation (grammer, spelling, etc.)
Note how the person misspelled "grammar."
Responsefulness.
Good word. No, wait, stupid word.
(This individual could be more effective if...)
She was a little younger!Ouch! You go sista!
(This individual could be even more effective if...)
He treated "female" direct reports the same as "male" direct reports.In quotes because gender is a purely social construction that doesn't really exist.
If she is really bizzy, cancel an appointment.
Argh!!!
She loyals to her duties.
Good for her.
Stay more clam with major issues on the floor.
Another error I could understand if typed, but hand-written? Come on.
Susan has a tendency to talk to try to be understood.
Damn her!
This questionnaire is so full of "corporate speak" it almost made me ill.
Try looking at it for 8 hours straight. I've been hospitalized twice.
Maintain a smaller group as before/earlier.
Another thing dumb middle-manager types tend to do; use the slash to separate a list of synonyms to make themselves appear smarter. Oooh! You know more than one word with the same meaning! Shit!
To many projects tend to get to many hands in them and take far to long to complete.
When someone does it once, I can chalk it up to writing too fast or just a dumb little error everybody makes now and then, but since this person substituted "to" for "too" three times in this little sentence, they must have absolutely no clue that there's a difference. Sad.
Bob is propabably my favorite counterpart in MUD.
My favorite made-up word so far. I just love saying it. Propabably propabably propabably.
(...) Sometimes this is discouraging toward the person in which he's assigned the task to.
Middle manager trying to sound smart again.
Jane is committed, encourages, and demonstrates "each" of the corporation's values.
Jane has a calming "presents" and readily accepts change.Why is "each" in quotation marks? The so-called "each"? And where do I begin with that "presents" atrocity?
Jana has come a long wase in a short amount of time.
I picture the person who wrote this as a kind of buck-toothed Southern hick in bib overalls. "Hey maw! Jana sure has done come a long wase in a short amount of time, she didded!"
Paul's role at present does not permit him to do many of the things asked here. His role does not allow him to do things asked; consequently unfair questions. Consequently I have difficulty in fairly responding.
Consequently you're babbling because consequently you're an idiot.
(This individual could be even more effective if...)
He quit or was fired. Morale in the department would increase 100%.I love you.
Strong leadership, easily to make decision. Good ability to people.
Good ability to verb.
(This individual could be even more effective if...)
More explosure.Ouch. Sounds painful.
Needs to have more leadership rolls.
Ewww... I don't even want to know what those are.
Needs to be sensitive to colleagues when pressing forward with own plans to ensure he does not alienated.
...writes this person, and then on the very next line he writes,
Language skills need improvement.
(What do you see as this person's areas for improvement?)
Shed weight for your health.Not nice. Not nice at all.
Needs to share infermashion.
You have to be joking. Please tell my you're joking.
Tends to accept "too" much responsibility.
Once again, why the quotes??? Is it a code word of some kind?
Always checks proformance to goals assigned.
Dumb mistake I see at least once a day.
Organizational/political saavy.
Cute. It's supposed to be "savvy."
(What do you see as this person's greatest strengths?)
Tayloring feedback to the individual.That's the NAME Taylor.
Very energetic. Always taking action as quickly as problem arise or solution needs resolved.
Either a foreigner or a retard. But is there really a difference? (just kidding, I don't mean to offend retards.)
Effectively disagree when confronted with a situation that needs resolvement.
Yet another case I'll use as evidence for my idea that English users should be licensed.
His analytical and financial skills are very.
Indeed they are.
She concerns about other people's developments.
She concerns because she cares.
Helps and offers his profetional oppinion and knowledge.
Remember, this was HAND WRITTEN.
Give him more trust in him--he really knows what his doing. I don't see any abuse with his people. His a cool person.
Leave him alone him!
Be who you self.
More good advice for us all.
Rick places roadblocks trying to complete a job, he evalutates a report line by line, space by space, then if he finds an error he stops lets you know the error, then will not continue to finish the report--makes you make the correection then evaluates it again, this can be time consuming--most errors are his interpretation of how it should be, everyone has their own style, you need to have Rick's style of writing and only his and he lets you know it.
Maybe that's because Rick's writing style involves periods and complete thoughts.
(Strengths:)
Sense of humor.
Easy-going nature.
Intelligent.
Imposing size.
Likeable.One of these qualities is not like the other. One of these qualities is not the same.
No training "because of".
Because of what?! FINISH YOUR THOUGHT!
He creates a wall between the people below and up of him.
To the person who wrote this: Please don't breed.
He must not talk about people from their behind.
I think that's something we're all a little bit guilty of from time to time.
At times is indecisive about making decisions.
He's a mysterious mystery, I bet.
Although it is possible to come up with a list of "nit picks" for improvements, Mike has got a great combination of qualities that make him a very desirable partner (in the work sense, of course).
Of course.
Additional and more creative exploitation of intellectual properties for sustained value, e.g., product trademarks such be more than items of purchasing convenience.
Yes. I am definitely convinced you are smart. No doubt about it.
Be sure of an information before passing it on.
How does one go about this, exactly?
Great team player, open, easy to access.
Gimme her number.
You are innovated and respected for your opinions and expertise.
How can someone be innovated by someone else? What the fuck does that mean?
Need more future focused what's next?
What's next we need find out.
Good listener, well cooperation to working as teamwork.
This happens a lot; dumb business types incorrectly using "well" in place of "good" to sounds smarter. And as for the "working as teamwork," that just doesn't make any sense at all.
Needs to honest his commitments.
Even more good advice for all of us to follow.
Effective to the analytical participants, however more or larger number of participants could be reached if greater attention was given to all modalities of learning, i.e., visual and hands-on.
You know what convinced me the person who wrote this is smart? The use of "more or larger number". He came up with a synonym pair! And a flawed one at that! Wow!
Could be more impactful with more steel/harder edge from time to time.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
He needs to use a better planification to be less at last minute to advise.
That's something I, myself, need to work on.
Works well with others together.
Glad you clarified what "with others" means.
Raise sphere of influence.
Don't increase it, broaden it, widen it, just raise it up a little.
Could improve on diversifying his teams and encouraging non-proformers to praticipate more.
Even the dyslexics such as yourself?
He should have confidence more to his behavior and he should more express your actual results to the surrounding people.
What?
His knollege of dealling with complex situations in the market is amaizing.
So is your spelling.
Overall has good leader sheep skills.
AHHHHHH!!! It *is* the End Times!!!
I am younger that him and he learnt me a lot of thinks about business.
Did a great job, too. Thank you for sharing that with the class. Now take your seat, Cletus.
To motivate is team, to defend is team's interests and training.
This actually happens quite often, at least once a day I find someone using "is" for "his" and "his" for "is". That's why I don't bring a gun to work.
To be more smiling.
Great way to end it, don't you think? Makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, like a pair of Depends in the morning.