Ironic.
That's what I usually say whenever the sun shines on us while things just get worse. And you're the one who always laughed it off, telling me that everything will get better eventually.
But it didn't.
My best friend, Ginny, never believed in love even before and she used to say that she'll never let herself be enchanted under the spell of love. She proclaimed that all those mush are crap, that being in love makes you lose your rational thinking, and that's why it'll never happen to her. She was right, yet she was also wrong.
She fell for Paolo, her debate partner, who unfortunately didn't return the feeling positively.
She locked herself in her own world and refused to open up for days. So much for that anti-love belief. I resisted the urge to chant 'I told you so' in front of her.
After that incident, she refused to talk about it once more.
"But why can't we talk about it, Gin?" I asked her.
"Because I don't want to. It'll just hurt me more." She tersely replied. Her lips were pursed. I didn't quite get why she was so upset whenever Paolo was brought up. I asked her again.
"Aira, when you learn to love someday, you'll understand."
And she was right.
Ironic.
It's on these sunny days that I often thought about you. The day was bright when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I felt alone and abandoned, yet the sky was cloudless. The sun sparkled above even when I had the desperate urge to cry and freak out. And you were there; taking me in your arms, telling me that everything will turn out just fine, sitting still on a chair while I sobbed hysterically on your knee as I sat on the floor.
It was you who held me close.
Not my best friend.
Not my girl friends.
Not even my ex-boyfriend.
But you- whom I expected to be the last person to comfort me, especially on the times when I was afraid to be alone.
Ironic.
Tell me, is there any moral law that prohibits a girl to fall in love with her best boy bud? Could it be like falling for a distant cousin, perhaps? Would anyone want to stop me from getting myself hurt all over again?
How could anything wrong feel this right?
Ironic.
I saw you one day, eyes cast down your desk. The sun was shining, always shining. I cautiously asked why you looked so sad. You didn't reply. Instead, your eyes scanned our classroom and rested on a cheerful, petite girl.
Erica.
"You like her, don't you?" I inquired, quite aware that my voice was starting to quiver.
Again, you didn't reply. But then again, you didn't have to. Your wistful eyes said it all.
Finally, I was beginning to understand how Ginny felt.
"She smiled warmly at me today, did you see?" Your eyes still had that wistful look, your lips on a silly grin. I just nodded silently; even if the truth was that you were just deluding yourself. Erica always smiled warmly at everyone, because that's just the way she is. But I could never tell you that; it'll just make you sad. You'll never notice that while you looked at her, she was secretly staring at a photograph of her childhood love. It was a good thing that no one looked at me, as no one saw the pained expression I donned. It puzzled me how Erica didn't realize your feelings for her. I could never ignore you if you gazed at me the way you gazed at her.
It's been over a year when the news broke out about the newfound relationship of Erica and Charles- another classmate of ours. Everyone was teasing them, except for you and me. You were so busy hiding the pain you felt and as for me, well, I was busy looking at you.
"Why didn't you tell her sooner? She could've been yours." I told him, even if I was silently rejoicing that you didn't pursue her.
"It's all right. It's better this way." You replied casually, but I already saw your hidden tears. It hurt me, knowing that you hurt yourself.
"Yes, it's really better this way." I don't know whether that was the truth or I just wanted to believe you. That time, I was the one who held you close.
"Thanks, Aira. I wouldn't know what to do without you. You're probably the nicest girl I've met. I'm so glad you're my friend."
I was nice. I'm your friend. That's what I'll forever be to you. I'll never be pretty and you'll never see me the way I see you. It hurts to think that.
Months passed, and your inside wound slowly healed. You soon forgot about Erica, and turned your feelings toward another shorthaired girl- Andrea. You always liked shorthaired, petite girls- the very opposite of me. I quickly noticed all your stares and teased you often. I sometimes tease her about you too. Now, everyone's talking about you. I wondered how come nobody caught me looking at you. Maybe I was so good at it that no one saw or maybe it's just that they're all so busy teasing the both of you that I was simply ignored. I don't know why it matters so much.
Today, I found comfort in reading all my entries about you in my diary. The wind blows softly through my long hair, and the sun shone even brighter than usual. I felt calm and happy, even if not wholly as I never had been thoroughly at peace ever since I found out about your feelings for Erica not so long ago. Now, it's for Andrea. But yes, I could still be happy.
I sensed your presence getting near. I'll never figure out how I could, I just do.
"Hello, Aira." You spoke warmly, and I just had to smile as you stood in front of me, while I sat by my desk.
"Hi, Mark. What's up?"
You grinned almost stupidly and plopped yourself down on a chair beside mine. "Everything's great!" Suddenly, you were flushed with excitement. I could only guess why.
"You look really happy today. What happened?"
"Andrea." It took every bit of effort in me not to look alarmed as you breathlessly said her name. You were never that breezy whenever you spoke my name. But then, I was never the girl of your dreams. Still, something inside me told me to be prepared for whatever you're going to say next.
"I asked her if she would like to go out with me tomorrow since it's Saturday." A lump forms in my throat.
"Oh. Is she coming?" I asked, even though I already know the answer; even though I know that somehow, I am now losing you.
"Yes!" you exclaimed, and I had to bow my head so that you would not see the sadness that's washing all over me, as hard as I tried to keep it at bay. "This is the happiest day of my life!"
In your joy, you missed the pained expression that I clumsily hid. As soon as I was able to control myself once more, I looked up and pasted a fake but nevertheless cheerful smile on my face. "I'm so happy for you, Mark. You've always liked her, even more than the way you've liked Erica."
You blushed again. "Yes, I have." You admit. "You know me the best."
"That's because I always look out for you."
Your grin grew wider at my words. "I know, that's why I'm so thankful to have you as my friend."
There goes that word again. Friend. Before the urge to cry becomes stronger, I decided to change the topic. "So, where are you taking her?"
"I was thinking about taking her to the movies, then we'll grab a bite later. Do you think she'll go for it?" You looked genuinely worried.
I sighed, and then smiled again. "A bit conventional, but that'll be fine. Don't worry, she'll be all right with that. Besides, she'll enjoy your company so much that she won't mind where you'll take her."
"You think so?"
I think that if I try really hard, I could make you forget about Andrea and just have you focus yourself towards me. But I won't do that, because I know that your real happiness lies with her, just like I know that, even thought it hurts, there is no happiness for me. "Yes, I think so. Are you nervous?"
You wipe a drop of sweat from your forehead. "A little bit."
"She will like you, you'll see."
"I hope you're right."
"Stop worrying yourself. No one can resist loving you, Mark."
You take me in your arms again, just like before, and the sun still shines above us. "You're really nice, Aira. I'm so lucky to be your friend. You're always beside me and you're very supportive. You'll always hold the most special place in my heart."
My hands close firmly as I again struggled not to sob at the moment. I wondered when you'll be able to realize that Erica held that special place in your heart before, and now Andrea's replacing her. I will never hold that very special place but it'll always make me feel better when you tell me that. "You have the most special place in mine too, Mark."
You pull back and smile sweetly at me. So sweet, that it almost hurt to watch you, knowing that the smile you don actually belongs to another girl. "I have to go and prepare myself now. See you later!"
"Bye." I softly call out but you're already gone.
The sun sparkles so perfectly and the irony of the circumstances hit me once more. It hurts, knowing that every day since I've realized how much I love you, I've been attempting to hold that special place in your heart, all in vain. I tried, God knows how hard I tried, to show you how special you are to me, even more than words can say.
The sun spreads its bright rays, and you'll never really know.
WISH by Cheapax
May kilala ba kayong lalaking superstitious?
Ako meron. Bihira ang mga lalaking ganon, kaya naman naaaliw ako sa kanya. Siguro dala narin yon ng hindi nya pagiging katoliko. Basta, kung ano man ang dahilan, natutuwa ako sa kanya.
Isa sa mga pinaniniwalaan nya ay yung power of wishes. At hindi lang ito basta-basta hiling. Eto pa yung tipong pagwi-wish sa mga inanimate objects tulad ng mga bulaklak ata ng talahib. Ewan ko kung sino ang nagpauso ng pangalang ito pero ang alam ko, "wish" ang tawag don. Lam mo yung mga puting maliliit na mukang tumpok ng balahibo na madalas liparin ng hangin? Yun yon. Naniniwala sya don.
Ilan lang bang lalaki ang makikita mong handang maghabol sa mga mabalahibong bagay na ito para lang makahiling? At eto pa, sincere sya sa kanyang pagwi-wish. Bigla-bigla mo nalang sya makikitang may ibinubulong na parang kung sino ang kausap. Aba, nagwiwish lang pala sya.
Isang araw na magkausap kami, may hinabol na naman syang "wish". Di nako nakatiis kaya patawa ko syang tinanong ng, "Naniniwala ka dyan?" Kala ko nung una, magwawalang-kibo lang sya. Tapos, bigla nya akong tinitigan, sabay ngiti. Sabi nya, oo, naniniwala raw talaga sya don.
Tanong ko naman sya kung bakit. Kulit ko talaga no? Wala e, sobrang naaaliw lang talaga ako sa kanya. Isang titig at ngiti na naman ang ibinigay nya. Takte, di ko alam kung bakit pero parang may kakaiba akong naramdaman dahil don. Malamang na nagiilusyon lang ako non pero para kasing may laman yung titig. Di ko na natiyak kung may ibig sabihin nga ba yun kasi bigla na syang sumagot. Sabi nya, talagang natutupad ang mga wishes lalo na kung iisa lang talaga at seryoso ka don sa hiling mo.
Ewan ko ba kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko isang araw pero bigla ko nalang nakita ang sarili kong naghahabol narin ng "wish". Ang rason ko non, wala rin naming mawawala kung susubukan kong humiling e. Paulit-ulit lang talaga ang wish ko; sinunod ko ang payo nya.
Nagwish ako non na sana, makatagpo nako ng lalaking magmamahal talaga ng totoo sakin gaya nalang ng magiging pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Gusto ko yung lalaki na seryoso sakin at yung tipo na makikita mo talaga sa mga mata nya kung ano ang nararamdaman nya para sayo.
Mababaw ba? Siguro nga, pero para sa isang babaeng tulad ko na madalas bigo ang lablayp, importante yun. Sinabi ko 'tong wish nato sa kanya. Kala ko nga non pagtatawanan nya ako e, pero hindi. Lam mo ginawa nya? Tama, tinitigan na naman nya ako sabay ngiti.
Lumipas na ang panahon, at kasama ko parin sya hanggang ngayon. Tinititigan at nginingitian nya parin ako tulad ng dati. Ang kaibahan nga lang ngayon e, tinititigan at nginingitian ko na rin sya.
At lam nyo? Naniniwala nako ngayon na totoo nga ang mga "wish".
PAINFUL RISK by Hertz
bakit ganon?
pag mahal mo ang isang tao, wala kang paki kung
kaibigan lang talaga ang tingin niya sayo..
tapos
magkakaron siya ng problema, ikaw rin ang
tutulong, wala ka ng magagawa kasi kaibigan mo
nga siya.. tutulungan mo hanggang kahit sa
sarili
mo, wala ka nang naitutulong.. tapos masasaktan
ka.. sasabihin mo Pa na ok lang yun kasi as long
as mahal mo siya, ok lang kahit masaktan ka..
sobrang sakit na pEro ikaw nanjan pa rin handang
harapin lahaT-lahat pa ng sakit.. kahit na hindi
mo na talaga kaya, nanjan ka parin.. parE! iba
ang kaya sa kakayanin!!! kaya mo nga peRo
sobrang
kinakaya mo nalang lahat, ano Pang silbi nun?
hAnggang sa dUmating yung point na maghahanap ka
ng taong tutuLong sayo para kayanin lahat ng
sakit na yun, pEro yung taong yun pala, siya Din
yung reason kung bakit ka nasasaktan.. tapOs
hindi mo na alaM kung anong gagawIn mo.. hindi
mo
namaN pwede sabihin na siya yung reason kunG
bakit ka nasasaktan.. magtataka lang yun..
hanggang sa iiyak ka nalang, O kaya dadaanin sa
inuman.. kung hindi naman, sasaktan mo nalang
lalo yung sarili mo, at worse, physically pa..
parang suicide.. pero, despite all that mahal mo
parin yung tao na yun.. kahit na sugat-sugat ka
na.. kung tutuusin, ang tanga mo kung ganon ka..
pero kahit na ganon ka, sasabihin mo nanaman
na "oo, tanga ako, pero mahal ko siya e.." shet!
pero, oo nga, mahirap man tanggapin, ganon
talaga
ang buhay.. hay nako..
eto pa, pano kung nagstart sa joke lahat? does
it
Mean ba na pAg sinabi mo na maHal mo na talaga
siyA, joke pa rin yun? tapos sasabihin niya rin
sayo na mahaL ka niya pero joke lang talaga yun!
ang saKit noh? still, ok lang nanaman sayo yun
kasi at least sInabi niya sayo na mahal ka niya
(kahiT joke lang).. tApos ipipilit mong jokes
are
half meant.. kahit na 1/4 hindi niya mini-mean..
sasabihin pa niya sayo na "oo mahal kita,
kaibigan kita e.." tangina yan! pwede ba ganito
nalang: "mahal kita, higit pa sa pagmamahal mo
sakin & hindi lang kaibigan ang tingin ko
sayo.." ..ergh..
uhm.. tapos Manhid pa.. halatAng Halata ka na,
ganon pa rIn siya.. paRang wala lang.. walang
pAki.. kung meron man, kaibigan lang nanaman
ikaw
sa kanya.. all along, nakiki-ride lang siya
sayo.. nakaka-gago noh? Pero eto nanaman ikaw,
pinipilit na isipin na "uhm, siguro alam na
niya,
pero ayaw lang niya tanggapin kasi mag-kaiBigan
kami e.. ayAw niya rin siguro masIra yuNg
friendship namin.." sheT!
pano naman kung may pInapakita siya sayo Na
tingin mo signs na magiging kayo? siyempre, ang
saya-saya mo.. pero pinapakita lang pala niya
yun
para paasahin ka.. siyempre, aasa ka naman..
hanggang sa Dadating yung point na punong-puno
ka
na, gusto mo nang sabihIn sa kanya yung tunay na
nararamdaman mo, expecting na sasabihin din niya
yung tunay na nararamdaman niya.. pero, HINdi
pala..
siguro ganon nga talaga? pag mahal mo ang isang
tao, ok lang kahit kaibigan ka lang talaga.. ok
lang kahit masakit.. ok lang kahit na tanga ka
at
manhid siya.. at ok lang sayo kung masaYa siya
pero hindi ikaw yUng reasoN kung bakit siya
masaya..
love hurts!!! but it's still a risk worth taking
though..
ANTI-MUSH by Cambridge
Hindi naman ako talagang ganito. Sa aming lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, ako yung bitter. Ako yung anti-mush. Ako daw yung stone cold. Sabi nga nila man hater pa ako. Na-iimagine niyo naman siguro di ba?