Visit Scenic Arda: A Riding Tour of Rohan

 

Author: Darth Maligna

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings does not belong to me. Please don’t sue me or turn me into anything unnatural.

Summary: Faramir goes to characterization hell, the Rohirrim learn about grammar and personal hygiene, and Aragorn is “late.”

Warning: Copious amounts of slash, and I warn this time because there’s even more than is usual in my movie parodies. That means Legolas replaces Arwen, Frodo replaces Rosie, the author unsuccessfully attempts to seduce Éowyn, and there is much innuendo all around. If this bothers you, ignore it or sod off.

 

We open on some random Hollywood executive’s office.

 

EXECUTIVE: Mr. Jackson, we feel that The Two Towers needs… a recap of sorts of what happened during Fellowship of the Ring.

PETER JACKSON: Screw you. Everybody who’s going to see this movie has already seen Fellowship, and if they haven’t, screw them, too. I’m not doing no stinking recap! I’m Peter Jackson, god dammit!

 

Months later, Peter Jackson is watching a pretty-damn-close-to-final cut of the film.

 

PETER JACKSON: You know, I think we need to stick the entire Fellowship balrog scene at the beginning of this. Just in case, you know, the audience forgot.

RANDOM UNDERLING: Um, okay.

 

And now… THE MOVIE.

…

Not! I lied! And now… A RANDOM TRAILER.

 

ANNOUNCER: The sea… for some, it’s a thing to swim in… for others… it’s a curse.

 

Johnny Depp jumps out from behind a palm tree. He is wearing a ruffly shirt and has a hook for one hand and scissors for the other. And a pegleg.

 

JOHNNY DEPP: Arrrrr!

 

Just then, a big wooden ship runs aground on the beach like ten yards away and Legolas jumps out. He’s wearing a bandanna, tight little capris, and an eye patch. He also has a parrot.

 

LEGOLAS: Yarrrrrgh!!

JOHNNY: Swab the poop deck, mayties!

LEGOLAS: Raise the Jolly Roger!

JOHNNY: I’m going to give you… THE BLACK SPOT.

 

Legolas’s eyes well up with tears. He starts to sob.

 

AUDIENCE: What the hell is this?

LEGOLAS AND JOHNNY: We’re pirates. Of the Caribbean.

AUDIENCE: You’re not going to sing that song, are you?

LEGOLAS AND JOHNNY: No.

AUDIENCE: Oh, good.

ANNOUNCER: Pirates of the Caribbean. Coming this summer to a theatre near you. And when it breaks down… the pirates will eat the tourists.

AUDIENCE: Score!

 

And now… THE MOVIE.

The Misty Mountains. We spend an unnecessary amount of time panning into Khazad-dum. When we finally get there, we spend an unnecessary amount of time watching a scene that most of us already know by heart.

 

AUDIENCE: Hah! It’s Boromir! What a doof. (evil laughter)

 

Finally, Gandalf falls and we get to the new stuff.

 

AUDIENCE: Wow. That’s going to flow really awkwardly when we watch all three movies together.

PETER JACKSON: (maniacal laughter)

GANDALF: Watch as I magically fall faster than gravity’s pull.

PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE FAMILIAR WITH FUNDAMENTAL LAWS OF PHYSICS: We’ll write this off as your being a Maia, but you’re not going to get away with it next time, Greyhame.

GANDALF: Piss off. I’m trying to smote the balrog.

 

Gandalf grabs Glamdring and starts hitting the balrog repeatedly. The imagery is pretty nifty and yet sort of funny in a way as it is, essentially, an old man smacking a fire demon repeatedly with a stick. Or at least it’s funny until this absolutely incredible very, very wide shot of Gandalf and the balrog falling into the lake.

 

AUDIENCE: Holy shit. We’re not worthy.

 

Cut to extreme close up Frodo.

 

FRODO: Gandalf! I’m apparently dreaming past events I did not witness! Crikey!

SAM: (wakes up) Mr. Frodo?

SLASHERS IN AUDIENCE: Oh, they’re sleeping together. That’s good.

REST OF AUDIENCE: I have a bad feeling about this.

FRODO: It was just a dream, Sam; don’t worry about it.

 

The next day, they stumble around aimlessly in Emyn Muil.

 

SAM: Say, this looks familiar, but I can’t really say anything amusing without ripping off the best gag from Bored of the Rings. Bollocks.

FRODO: We’ve been here before. We’re going in circles!

SAM: Hey, what’s that smell?

FRODO: It’s either Gollum or the Dead Marshes. Or both.

 

That night, Frodo and Sam are sleeping together again. Ah, to be short and in love. (sigh) Just then, in creeps Gollum! And the world rejoices!

 

GOLLUM: Am I the greatest thing in the history of everything or what? I mean, ahem, they stole it, our Precious, and we wants it!

SAM: Hah! We’re not really asleep!

GOLLUM: Oh, crap.

 

And thus, the movie’s first complete action sequence involves two hobbits and some kind of twisted, hobbity sort of thing fighting like a bunch of prepubescent boys trying to imitate the WWF, because each LotR movie has to have one sort of dumb, unnecessary “fight” scene. It’s tradition. Finally, Gollum is overpowered, but only after attempting to strangle Sam, thus enflaming Frodo’s protective spousal instinct.

 

FRODO: Gollum, meet Sting. Sting, Gollum. Now let him go or I’ll slit your throat.

GOLLUM: (pitiful sobbing)

 

The pitiful sobbing continues on until the next day. Sam is dragging Gollum along with his elven rope. We suppose he couldn’t have dragged him with a box of dirt, as such, but it doesn’t make it better.

 

GOLLUM: It burns! It burns!

 

Gollum waits for a reaction and sees that this tactic is not working.

 

GOLLUM: It freezes! It freezes!

SAM: Every orc in Mordor is going to hear this if we don’t shut him up.

FRODO: Umm… well, Galadriel apparently foresaw this. Maybe we could gag him with the Light of Earendil.

SAM: Um, I think we might need that for something else.

FRODO: Well…

GOLLUM: We be nice to the hobbitses if they be nice to us. (most winning smile)

FRODO: There’s no promise you can make that I can trust.

GOLLUM: We swears to serve the master of the Precious on… on… on the Precious!

FRODO: Okay, I can trust that. (takes the rope off of him) The Ring is treacherous, and will hold you to your word, even if I’m not sure why it would care. Now, you will lead us to Mordor.

GOLLUM: Yeah, all right.

 

Meanwhile, miles and miles away…

 

URUK-HAI: We’re running! We’re running! Uh oh. We’re being chased by humans.

PIPPIN: I automatically assume Aragorn is the only human in Middle-earth.

 

Pippin pulls off his Lorien brooch with his teeth and accidentally almost swallows it, but it saved at the last moment by his gag reflex and leaves it for Aragorn to find.

Meanwhile, miles in back of them…

 

ARAGORN: I love you so much. You’re always there for me, holding me up. Even when you let me walk all over you, you’re still so strong. Oh, baby…

 

Gimli is standing there, speechless. Legolas is torn between being angry and worrying for Aragorn’s health.

 

LEGOLAS: Umm, love, you’re acting kind of… strange. And your puns are horrible.

ARAGORN: Shh! We’re bonding!

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, you’re talking to a boulder.

ARAGORN: It’s not just a boulder! (crying happily) It’s a rock! Ooh, the Rohirrim used to ride these babies for miles, back before they discovered horses.

LEGOLAS: (exasperated) If you get up now and continue the chase, you can ride me for miles once we find Merry and Pippin.

ARAGORN: Score!

GIMLI: (plugs ears) I’m not hearing this, I’m not hearing this…

 

They continue running.

 

ARAGORN: Hey, Legolas, can you see the Uruk-hai?

LEGOLAS: Yes. They’re sitting around toasting marshmallows and chilling champagne for when we arrive. And now they’re making Merry and Pippin dance naked for their twisted amusement.

ARAGORN: You could have just said no.

LEGOLAS: I’m an elf, not the bloody Hubble.

Just then, Aragorn notices something on the ground.

 

ARAGORN: Hm. The leaves of Lórien do not idly fall.

GIMLI: And so it begins. By the end of this film, I will be the only character left who has not, at some point, sounded like I was randomly spouting poetry.

LEGOLAS: I don’t think I ever do.

GIMLI: In the books you sing more than the rest of the Fellowship combined, plus there’s your random little Fangorn speech, so you have no room to talk.

LEGOLAS: Damn.

ARAGORN: Anyway, as I was saying, I think the hobbits are still alive.

GIMLI: Or else the Uruk-hai ate everything but their brooches!

 

At this Legolas bursts into tears.

 

GIMLI: Damn uke elves.

 

Later that afternoon…

 

GIMLI: All right, we’ve been running for three days. No food, no rest, and no sign of our quarry. I don’t think we’re ever going to catch up.

ARAGORN: Some evil gives speed to these creatures, sets its will against us.

 

Shot of Nike executives laughing maniacally as they distribute running shoes to the orcs.

Cut to Isengard.

 

SARUMAN: Finally I’m actually appearing in one of these parodies. I was beginning to wonder what the author had against me.

MALI: Nothing; I just had no use for you before.

SARUMAN: What’s that supposed to mean?

 

Suddenly Saruman notices that he’s got a lightsaber on his belt and Ewan McGregor imprisoned on top of Orthanc.

 

SARUMAN: Ai, Iluvatar.

MALI: On with the exposition, Sith-boy.

SARUMAN: (clears throat) All right, audience, let’s recap. I’m allied with Sauron. We both live in towers, Orthanc and Barad-dur. That’s where the book title came from, since it seems to go over so many of your pathetic little heads. Anyway, who now has the power to fight against the power of Mordor and Isengard?

REST OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Hah! Jinxed yourself!

SARUMAN: Dammit! Well, might as well go down fighting.

 

Outside, he has gathered lots of humans who are even filthier than normal.

 

SARUMAN: The Rohirrim took your lands and drove you into the mountains to scratch a living off of rocks!

WILD MEN: Actually, there’s good money to be found in rocks. Look at the dwarves.

SARUMAN: Oh, bollocks. Just get out there and kill them anyway. I’ll give you candy!

WILD MEN: Yes!

 

The wild men rush off to begin the bloodshed.

Later, in Rohan…

 

ROHIRRIM VILLAGER: Every time they make a Lord of the Rings movie, they burn our village down!

REST OF VILLAGERS: Yeah! Leave us alone, Peter Jackson!

RANDOM FILTHY WOMAN: (applies lipstick) Have to look good for the raid.

 

Just then the raid starts.

 

RANDOM WOMAN: (grabs two adorable children) Ride to Edoras and sound the alarm.

CHILDREN: Okay, Mum.

OTHER VILLAGERS: Why have none of the rest of us thought of using horses? I mean, considering our lives do revolve around them and all. …Meh. (die)

 

Meanwhile, off in another part of Rohan, Éomer is cute, Théodred is cute, and dammit are they slashy. Hey, if Merry and Pippin can do it.

Meduseld.

 

EOWYN: Hey, I’m even sexier than Éomer. Go me!

EOMER: Um, Théodred’s dying.

EOWYN: Oh. Damn.

EOMER: I’m so concerned right now that this same expression is going to stay on my face through the rest of the movie.

 

The throne room.

 

EOWYN: Your son is badly wounded, my lord.

EOMER: He was ambushed by orcs.

 

They wait for some sort of reaction, but don’t get it.

 

EOWYN: He’s all covered in blood.

EOMER: We don’t think he’s going to make it.

 

Another pause.

 

EOMER: Wormtongue’s opened a strip club next door.

EOWYN: I’ve decided to leave Rohan to join a convent.

 

Still no reaction.

 

EOWYN: I don’t think he’s listening.

EOMER: Yeah. And does he seem to… look a bit… funny… to you, lately?

EOWYN: What do you mean?

EOMER: Never mind. I must just be imagining it.

 

Just then, from out of nowhere, it’s… Gríma! And he really has opened a strip club!

 

AUDIENCE: Gah! Our eyes are burning!

 

Fooled you!

 

AUDIENCE: Thank the Valar.

WORMTONGUE: What are you doing here?

EOMER: You. I don’t like you. Grr.

WORMTONGUE: Go away.

EOMER: No! Saruman’s armies are roaming freely across our lands!

WORMTONGUE: Are not!

EOMER: Are too!

WORMTONGUE: Are not!

EOMER: Are too!

WORMTONGUE: Are not times infinity!

EOMER: Grrrgh.

WORMTONGUE: Saruman has ever been our friend and ally.

EOMER: Then explain this helmet, with the white hand printed on it.

WORMTONGUE: Um. (pause) Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind?

EOMER: You’re changing the subject. (grabs Gríma by the collar) How long was it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price?

WORMTONGUE: Allow me to stare obviously at your sister.

EOMER: You sick freak.

 

Just then, two guards come up behind Eomer.

 

WORMTONGUE: You see much, Éomer son of Éomund. Too much. So I’m banishing you. Nyah nyah!

As the guards drag Éomer away, the director jumps out of nowhere and pummels Wormtongue.

 

MALI: Too long have you watched her! Too long have you haunted her steps! That’s my job, dammit!

 

Back in another part of Rohan…

 

GIMLI: Still no Uruk-hai.

LEGOLAS: They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them! (whips Aragorn) Faster, slave!

ARAGORN: I hate the director. I really, really hate the director.

LEGOLAS: Don’t make me get out the nipple clamps.

AUDIENCE: (twitch)

 

Miles ahead of them…

 

ORCS: We’re not going anywhere until we’ve rested! And all we’ve had is maggoty bread for three days!

RANDOM ORC: I like maggoty bread.

ORCS: Shut up!

 

Meanwhile, down on the ground…

 

PIPPIN: Hey, Merry, wake up! It’s time to be cute and angsty!

 

Merry has a huge gash on his forehead.

 

AUDIENCE: (lips quiver, eyes fill with tears)

MERRY: I think it might have been a mistake leaving the Shire.

AUDIENCE: They’re so adorable! (glomps the hobbits)

MERRY AND PIPPIN: Don’t touch us! Freaks.

 

Just then, all eyes turn to Merry and Pippin and they realize they’re about to be eaten.

 

RANDOM ORC: There’s no one to save you now, bitches.

 

Except…

 

ROHIRRIM: Yargh!

 

The Rohirrim kill all of the orcs and provide one the best scale shots of the hobbits we’ve yet seen.

 

AUDIENCE: Wow, they really are short.

 

Just then, as Pippin is about to die a horrible, painful death, we cut to Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli. They run over a ridge and then stop and listen.

 

ARAGORN: Hey, do you guys hear something?

LEGOLAS: You mean the sound of the fifty-seven horses headed straight for us?

ARAGORN: Legolas, why did you not mention these fifty-seven horses before?

LEGOLAS: You didn’t ask. But if you don’t want to get run down, you might want to jump into the bushes right now.

They all jump into the bushes. Half a second later the Rohirrim ride over the ridge. They are horsemen who stole Legolas’s hair, Aragorn’s dirtiness, and Boromir’s shield. As soon as they are past, Aragorn jumps out of the bushes and thus exposes himself.

 

ARAGORN: (nervous) In front of everybody?

LEGOLAS AND GIMLI: (snort)

 

Not like that. Pervs. Anyhow, the Rohirrim turn around and ride back and surround our three protagonists.

 

EOMER: What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?

 

Cut to a white Matrix-esque room. Cue Legolas and Aragorn.

 

ARAGORN: Hello, I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn.

LEGOLAS: And I’m Legolas Greenleaf. And we’re here to teach you about how to conjugate verbs with the help of our lovely assistant, Éomer of Rohan.

 

Éomer enters, wearing a feathery, sequiny costume that lovely assistants always tend to wear. He waves at the camera.

 

ARAGORN: Now, Éomer is a poor, deprived boy who never learned about verbs in school.

EOMER: What’s a verb?

LEGOLAS: That’s what we’re here to teach you. A verb is something that you do, and it starts with the word “to” when in its basic form. Such as “to run,” “to think,” or “to slash.” This is called the infinitive form.

EOMER: I get it!

ARAGORN: No, you don’t. We have to teach you to conjugate.

EOMER: Con… joo… gate?

 

Legolas snaps his fingers and a chalkboard appears. He writes out the forms of the verb as he says them.

 

LEGOLAS: Conjugating at its most basic is changing a verb’s form to match its subject. We won’t go into tense today, because that would just confuse our poor assistant.

 

Éomer stands there looking completely blank.

 

LEGOLAS: Anyway, I’m going to conjugate in the present tense the verb “to do.”

ARAGORN: (Beavis and Butthead laugh) Heh heh, huh… “do.”

 

Legolas elbows Aragorn.

 

LEGOLAS: I do, you do, he/she does, they do, and we do. Pretty basic, huh? And now… “to slash.”

 

Legolas elbows Aragorn before he can say anything.

 

LEGOLAS: I slash, you slash, he/she slashes, they slash, and we slash. You see?

EOMER: I think so.

ARAGORN: No, you don’t!

EOMER: Oh, okay.

ARAGORN: Now, an integral part of conjugation is knowing whether or not the verb’s subject is plural. The difference between “he/she” and “they” can mean the difference between seeming like an intelligent, well-rounded individual or like some sort of equestrian-obsessed prettyboy without even an elementary education.

 

Éomer stares at his feet as Legolas draws something on the chalkboard.

 

LEGOLAS: This… (points to a single ax-wielding stick figure) is Gimli. Gimli does have business in the Riddermark. And these… (points to ax wielding figure, sword-wielding figure, and bow-wielding figure) are Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas. Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas do have business in the Riddermark.

EOMER: Oh, I get it!

LEGOLAS AND ARAGORN: No, you don’t!

EOMER: You’re right. I doesn’t.

 

Back to our previous scene.

 

ARAGORN: We’re hunting a band of Uruk-hai that are headed north across your lands. They hold two of our friends captive.

EOMER: Oh, them? We slaughtered them in the night.

GIMLI: But there were two hobbits with them! Did you see two hobbits?

EOMER: What the hell is a hobbit? It sounds like something you’d find growing on one of your kidneys.

ARAGORN: They’re very short little men with big, hairy feet. They were our comic relief until we lost them. Now we’re stuck using the dwarf.

GIMLI: …So then I said to him, “Hey! Balrogs don’t have wings!”

LEGOLAS: You see why we need the hobbits back.

EOMER: We left none alive. I’m sorry. We had a barbecue after the slaughter, but we ran out of ketchup and we’re on our way to get more. You’ll find what’s left piled up just north of here. Help yourselves. Oh, and here, have some horses. Arod, Hasufel!

 

The Rohirrim leave. Ten minutes later, Legolas and Aragorn are standing off by themselves.

 

LEGOLAS: We let Gimli have Hasufel and we ride Arod.

ARAGORN: He can’t ride a horse by himself. He’s too short.

LEGOLAS: Okay, what if we tie up Gimli and leave him for dead?

ARAGORN: We can’t do that! We’re upstanding citizens!

LEGOLAS: We could turn from our heroic ways and take up a life of crime. We’ll be partners. You know, like Bonnie and Clyde. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Morgoth and Sauron.

ARAGORN: I’d never get to be king.

LEGOLAS: So?

ARAGORN: You’d never get to be a queen in more than one sense of the word.

LEGOLAS: (pouts) Okay, no life of crime. Can’t we just make him walk?

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: He can ride with you.

ARAGORN: Hasufel has a bad back. Can’t handle two people.

LEGOLAS: You can ride Arod.

ARAGORN: Too late, Hasufel and I have already bonded.

LEGOLAS: Jerk. If anybody reads more into this horse-sharing thing than they should, don’t expect to get any for a long time.

ARAGORN: If anybody reads more into this than they should, you’ll be too busy giving it to someone else. (evil grin)

LEGOLAS: I hate you so much.

 

And so they set off north.

Some undefined amount of time later, on the borders of Fangorn Forest, we pan out from a severed Uruk-hai head on a stick. A stick sharpened at both ends! Hah! The three are standing next to a pile of charred orc corpses, staring at it.

 

LEGOLAS: I can’t touch that. It’s icky.

ARAGORN: I’m going to be king; I don’t dig through heaps of dead bodies.

 

They both slowly turn and look at Gimli.

 

GIMLI: Oh, all right. I’ll do it. Bloody prudish Children of Eru.

 

Gimli goes digging through the bodies.

 

LEGOLAS: This is going to be really emotionally scarring if we do find the burnt carcasses of Merry and Pippin.

GIMLI: (holds something up) It’s one of their belts.

LEGOLAS: Well, that’s not quite as scarring, but still very upsetting.

 

Aragorn stares at the belt for a second and then starts spazzing out.

 

ARAGORN: Yaaaarrrrrrghsnarlgggggghhhhhrrrrrrghaaaaaa!

MALI: (snort) He sounds like me when I’m mad at my GameCube.

 

Just then, Aragorn’s ranger instinct kicks in.

 

ARAGORN: Hey… check it out… a hobbit lay here… and here…

 

Merry and Pippin lay there, and there.

 

ARAGORN: Their hands were bound.

 

Merry and Pippin hold up their bound hands for the camera.

 

ARAGORN: They crawled this way.

 

Merry and Pippin crawl the indicated direction.

 

ARAGORN: Their ropes were cut.

 

Merry and Pippin look at each other.

 

PIPPIN: What does he think we are, miracle workers?

MERRY: Here, try to gnaw mine off and then I’ll get yours.

 

They do so.

 

ARAGORN: They ran over here…

 

Merry and Pippin run over there.

 

ARAGORN: and took off all their clothes and danced around naked…

 

Merry and Pippin ardently shake their heads.

 

ARAGORN: and then skipped off into Fangorn Forest shouting, “We’re free, we’re freeee!”

 

Merry and Pippin do as he says.

 

GIMLI: Fangorn? What would have possessed them to go in there?

LEGOLAS: Um, because they didn’t know any better and they wanted to hide.

GIMLI: I guess.

ARAGORN: Well, let’s follow them.

 

They tie up their horses and skip off into Fangorn shouting, “We’re free, we’re freeee!”

Meanwhile, in Fangorn…

 

MERRY AND PIPPIN: We’re free, we’re free, we’re—

ORC: Found you!

MERRY AND PIPPIN: —so dead.

PIPPIN: Quick, let’s ignore the facts that he’s injured and we could outrun him and that hobbits suck at climbing trees and climb a tree!

 

They each attempt to climb a tree but Merry doesn’t make it.

 

PIPPIN: No! Merry!

AUDIENCE: Ah, Billy Boyd and his high-pitched shrieking. It doesn’t get any better than this.

 

Just then, the tree opens its eyes.

 

PIPPIN: Ahh!

 

Pippin falls, but the tree catches him, steps on the orc, and picks up Merry.

 

MERRY: Great. I hate trees.

PIPPIN: I don’t mind them.

MERRY: You weren’t in the last one!

TREE: Little orcs. I’m going to carry you around for a while instead of squishing you like that other orc for no particular reason.

PIPPIN: Merry, the tree is talking.

TREE: Tree? I am no tree. I am an Ent. I am called Treebeard.

MERRY: A tree-herder! A shepherd of the forest!

PIPPIN: Merry, how do you know this?

MERRY: Peter Jackson appointed me Meriadoc the Exposition Hobbit; I now conveniently explain anything that we can’t take a lot of time to clarify, even if there’s no way I could possibly know whatever it is I’m talking about.

PIPPIN: Oh.

TREEBEARD: Hobbit? I am not familiar with anything by that name. I think you’re orcs.

MERRY: We’re not orcs! Hobbits, halflings, Shire-folk…

PIPPIN: Or, if you want to be politically correct, “little people.”

TREEBEARD: I don’t trust you, but the white wizard will know.

MERRY: Saruman.

PIPPIN: When did we find out that Saruman is the white wizard?

MERRY: We didn’t, but it comes with being the Exposition Hobbit.

PIPPIN: I don’t like Merry the Exposition Hobbit. I like Merry the Hobbit Who Makes Pippin’s Idiocy More Excusable.

MERRY: Don’t worry, you’re still innocent and lovable. That’s your job.

PIPPIN: (significantly less upset) Thanks, Merry.

MERRY: I’d hold your hand in a sweet and reassuring manner, but I’m slowly being asphyxiated by the Ent.

 

Just then, they are dropped to the ground and we pan back to reveal… the back of the white wizard’s head.

 

AUDIENCE: Movie, you’re not fooling anyone. We know it’s Gandalf. All those of us who haven’t read the books either saw the trailers or just don’t care enough to have any emotional investment in whether Gandalf is alive or dead anyhow. You’re not going to surprise anyone with the “big entrance” he’ll eventually make.

 

Leave me alone.

Back with Frodo and Sam…

 

AUDIENCE: Dude, we forgot about them.

 

A long pause.

 

AUDIENCE: We forgot about Frodo? Wow. We must be sick or something.

 

Gollum and the hobbits come up to the edge of a bog.

 

SAM: Hey, he’s leading us into a swamp!

FRODO: It looks more like oatmeal to me.

GOLLUM: No, hobbitses, a swamp it is, the Dead Marshes, yes. Best single chapter out of the book, Precious, yes... Unfortunately, we must butcher it in the name of cinematic adaptability, mustn’t we? We found the way through. Follow us!

 

They enter the marshes.

 

AUDIENCE: I don’t think the atmosphere is right. It’s too bright. And the candles of the dead look like those things they have in landfills to burn off excess methane. And the dead are kind of close to the surface, aren’t they?

PETER JACKSON: Piss off. Nothing could ever live up to the creepiness of the book, so you might as well not have gotten your hopes up.

AUDIENCE: And I thought you changed the location of the Last Alliance to the foot of Mount Doom. What are the Dead Marshes doing here?

PETER JACKSON: Quiet.

AUDIENCE: We haven’t even said anything about Sauron’s disembodied-ness yet.

PETER JACKSON: I hate you all.

 

Some time later…

 

GOLLUM: Don’t follow the lights.

FRODO: Ooh, pretty light… (trip, splash, gurgle!)

DEAD ELF: High five, man!

FRODO: (random terrified gurgling noises)

 

Frodo is jerked back out of the water.

 

GOLLUM: Don’t follow the lights! They only lead to cheesy B-movie scenes that are completely unnecessary and weren’t in the book. Now hurry, hobbitses. We’re almost to the gate.

 

That night/early morning/whenever, Frodo is lying on the ground fondling the Ring.

 

FRODO: Oh, Ring… you’re so round and shiny and evil… oh baby, oh baby…

 

Off in the background…

 

GOLLUM: Sooo bright… sooo beautiful… our… Precioussss…

FRODO: (leaps up) What did you say?

GOLLUM: (so deliciously evil) Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his strength.

FRODO: I heard you talking about my Ring. Well, you know what? The Ring doesn’t love you! It only loves me! I’m prettier!

GOLLUM: Leave us alone!

FRODO: You were sort of like a hobbit once, weren’t you, Sméagol?

GOLLUM: Hey, come to think of it, we were…

 

Just then, there is a familiar screeching and the three erupt into strategically planned panic. They all eventually dive under a bush. Frodo is still fondling the Ring, so Sam holds his hand.

 

SLASHERS: It should be illegal to be this damn cute.

NAZGUL: Stupid Witch-king… I can’t believe this – swamp patrol again! This is the third time this week! Well, when I get back I’m going to march right up to that domineering son of an orc and tell him what I think of his self-serving perambulation schedules! Grr…

 

The Nazgûl passes.

Back in Fangorn…

 

LEGOLAS: This forest is old… very old. Full of memory… and trees. And stuff.

 

Long pause.

 

GIMLI: Elves are so weird.

LEGOLAS: The white wizard approaches.

ARAGORN: You say that so threateningly. You haven’t changed your mind about taking up a life of crime, have you?

LEGOLAS: No. I was trying to set a mood.

 

Aragorn and Gimli give each other a look. Each of the three then makes a note to keep a close eye on the other two. All of a sudden…

 

WHITE WIZARD: Boo!

 

There is a blinding white light. Legolas’s eyes suddenly go from “questionably blue” to “super unnatural radioactive blue.” This will lead to the mistaken belief that Orlando Bloom forgot to put in his contact lenses on some days when, in fact, most of the people who think this simply have never worn coloured contact lenses.

 

WHITE WIZARD: You are searching for two hobbits, aren’t you?

ARAGORN: Where are they?

WHITE WIZARD: They passed this way recently. I tortured and ate them.

 

The three hunters stare at him in horror. Just then, the wizard reveals himself to be Gandalf.

 

GANDALF: Haha, I’m just messin’ with ya’. How’d you like the way I blended my own voice with Christopher Lee’s?

LEGOLAS: You jerk.

AUDIENCE: That was the least shocking thing I’ve seen in my entire life. How about for an encore you reveal that Frodo and Sam are (gasp!) more than just friends?

GANDALF: Oh, piss off.

GIMLI: Gandalf, how can this be?

GANDALF: Well, the balrog and I fought atop Caradhras until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain.

 

A very long silence.

 

GANDALF: (sigh) I killed it.

OTHERS: Ohhh!

LEGOLAS: But how did you get here? How did you survive?

GANDALF: I didn’t… couldn’t. I died. And then I bleached my robes. And then I came back to life.

LEGOLAS: Oh, like Glorfindel!
GANDALF: No, not like Glorfindel. For you see, I am Gandalf the White. It will never be entirely clear whether I am, technically, the same person, so it’s probably best not to think about it.

LEGOLAS: Yeah, like Glorfindel.

GANDALF: Fine, whatever.

 

The borders of Fangorn. Gandalf whistles and suddenly Shadowfax appears.

 

GAMERS IN AUDIENCE: Like Epona!

 

As he makes his excessively long entrance, it begins to rain Skittles.

Meanwhile, back in the forest, Merry, Pippin, and Treebeard are still, for all intents and purposes, wandering about aimlessly.

Back with Frodo and Sam.

 

GOLLUM: There it is… the Black Gate.

 

Wide shot of the gate.

 

AUDIENCE: Oooh…

SAM: Great, how are we supposed to get past that thing?

FRODO: We could dig a tunnel. Or three!

SAM: Um.

 

There is a noise as from around the bend a group of Easterlings appears.

 

EASTERLINGS: Check out our armour. Do we kick ass or what?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, the bad guys always get all the good armour. Not like the stupid protagonists, who all dress like Robin Hood.

 

Somewhere else.

 

FARAMIR: I resent that remark! (turns around, knocks out some random rich person, and donates their wealth to the displaced peasants of Rohan)

Back at the gate.

 

FRODO: Let’s follow them in.

SAM: I’m not sure if that’s really going to work very—AIEEEE!

 

Sam goes tumbling down the cliff. Frodo jumps up and goes running after him.

 

SAM: Oh, sure. Gandalf goes flying down a ridiculously steep incline and defeats the armies of Saruman. I go flying down a steep incline and get buried up to my chest in gravel.

FRODO: (comes sliding to a halt beside him) Hullo, Sam!

SAM: Hi, Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: You seem to be rather stuck. Did we bring a shovel, perchance?

SAM: No.

FRODO: Well, then, I’ll just have to get you out the old-fashioned way: I’ll save you with my Undying Love!

SAM: That never works unless you take the time to set up a yaoi-centric plot device.

FRODO: Okay. I’ll do it the other old-fashioned way.

 

He starts digging, but they have been noticed.

 

PEDRO THE RANDOM EASTERLING: The hell?

 

Pedro and his friend Jacques the Other Random Easterling walk over to Frodo and Sam.

 

PEDRO: Who are you?

 

Frodo and Sam freeze.

 

FRODO: We’re… uh… a rock! Just a rock.

 

Frodo throws his elven-cloak over them and they do, indeed, become a rock.

 

JACQUES: Wow. I guess they are just a rock. Let’s go.

 

They get back into line, leaving Frodo and Sam under the cloak.

 

SLASHERS: Oh my god… amazingly clichéd shounen-ai opportunity.

 

Frodo throws the cloak off.

 

SLASHERS: Ooh, shot down!

FRODO: Okay, Sam, we make a mad dash across the rather wide open space between here and the gate, slip through the door, and run past Barad-dûr all the way to Mount Doom right under the noses of thousands of servants of Sauron who will, of course, be looking for us by that time. I do not ask you to come with me.

SAM: Mr. Frodo, you know as well as I do that we’re symbiotically linked.

FRODO: Okay, then, on three…

GOLLUM: No! Stop!

 

Gollum appears behind them and drags them down by the collar.

 

GOLLUM: Don’t take it to him!

FRODO: Let go of me!

GOLLUM: Wait! There is another way! There is a road… and stairs… and imminent doom. I mean a tunnel! A tunnel!

 

Frodo and Sam think about this for a moment.

 

FRODO: All right. We have trusted you this far; you have not lead us astray.

SAM: This is a big mistake. That line doesn’t even go there.

FRODO: Meh.

 

Rohan.

 

GANDALF: Edoras. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. And that’s the Golden Hall of Meduseld.

ARAGORN: It sounds like a brand of cough syrup.

GANDALF: Meh.

 

Meanwhile, in Edoras…

 

EOWYN: Your son is dead, my lord.

 

…

 

EOWYN: Will you not go to him?

 

…

 

EOWYN: Will you do nothing?

 

…

 

EOWYN: Yeah, all right.

 

Théodred’s chamber.

 

EOWYN: Oh, cry! Oh, sob!

WORMTONGUE: Oh, he must have died sometime in the night. As you must have known by the fact that you’re sitting here crying. I don’t even know why I said that, actually. But how unfortunate. And so soon after your brother abandoned you.

EOWYN: Leave me alone!

WORMTONGUE: Oh, but you are alone.

EOWYN: Exactly.

 

Gríma, confused, decides not to try to make sense of this and changes the subject.

 

WORMTONGUE: So fair, so cold. What a joy to meet. We only wish—oh, bollocks.

EOWYN: Yuck, don’t touch me.

 

Éowyn runs out of the front doors of the hall.

 

EOWYN: I’ve gotta get away from these male chauvinists and freaks. Maybe if I sold my soul to the Dark Lord in exchange for excitement and adventure.

 

Just then a banner rips loose nearby and blows away. Down by the gates, it lands near Aragorn.

 

LEGOLAS: Hah! Aragorn’s being symbolic!

ARAGORN: Of what? Poorly-made tapestry?

LEGOLAS: …I guess.

 

They ride up to Meduseld the Hall of Cough Syrup where they are met by Háma.

 

HAMA: You cannot come before Theoden King so heavily armed. Hand it over, boys.

 

Gandalf gives over Glamdring and Gimli his ax and those ickle axes he throws at things in the video game. Legolas pulls a Jango Fett with his knives and gives them his bow and arrows. Aragorn gives them his sword and his dagger and his bow and arrows and another dagger and that dagger that Celeborn gave him and the razor blade he keeps in his boot and the handgun he had in a holster nobody ever noticed and the key to the lead bunker where he stores his arsenal of nuclear warheads and the rope and the candlestick and a little vial of cyanide.

 

LEGOLAS: It’s almost scary, isn’t it?

HAMA: We need your stick thing, too.

GANDALF: You would not deny an old man his walking stick, would you?

 

Gandalf suddenly and inexplicably stumbles and is caught by Legolas.

 

GANDALF: As you can see, I am simply a senior citizen who is weak and in need of all the help he can get.

 

Aragorn and Gimli nod in agreement and Legolas gives the guards a pouty look to shatter the will of even the strongest individual.

 

HAMA: Um, all right. I guess.

 

They enter the hall, Gandalf holding on to Legolas’s arm. Gríma creeps out behind Theoden.

 

WORMTONGUE: It’s Gandalf the Grey. He’s come because he wants to get married to that blonde woman… man… thing.

ARAGORN: Hey! (grabs Legolas’s other arm)

WORMTONGUE: …and the rugged human guy.

GIMLI: I am so staying out of this.

THEODEN: Why should I welcome you, Gandalf Stormcrow?

GANDALF: Because I’ll give you candy if you do.

THEODEN: (Christopher Lee’s voice) Stop ripping off my tactics, you colour-theme-stealing bastard.

 

Gríma approaches Gandalf.

 

WORMTONGUE: Late is the hour in which this conjuror of cheap tricks chooses to appear.

GANDALF: Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!

GIMLI: I think that may have been the single most awful exchange of dialogue this author’s ever written, and that’s saying a lot.

MALI: (pouts) Stupid dwarf. Go follow Sir Gareth around or something.

 

Gandalf brandishes his staff… his stick… his… oh, hell. There is no way of writing this without it sounding perverted.

 

WORMTONGUE: I told you to take the wizard’s staff! Get them!

 

The guards close in and the three not-Gandalf people immediately leap into action.

 

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, Spandex?

ARAGORN: No, I don’t think it’s necessary. Kung-fu mode, Elfboy!

LEGOLAS: We have a kung-fu mode?

ARAGORN: We do now.

 

Aragorn and Legolas jump into kung-fu mode. Gimli just takes to kicking people in the shins. The people in the audience who are amused by this sort of unexpected, incongruous thing very nearly go into cardiac arrest, especially when Legolas pulls a Rafiki.

 

LEGOLAS: I am hot shit.

 

While this is going on…

 

GANDALF: Be gone, Saruman, you evil body snatcher!

SARUMAN: If I go, Theoden dies.

GANDALF: No, he doesn’t.

SARUMAN: Damn, you’re right.

 

Saruman is exorcised. When he falls on the floor it is revealed that he is wearing Princess Leia’s boots. One of the author’s friends formulates a theory that he stole them before he came out of her closet, but this does not really make all that much sense. Theoden returns to normal.

 

AUDIENCE: Thank Eru we don’t have to stare at that monstrosity for the rest of the film.

THEODEN: I’ve had the most peculiar dream.

 

Five minutes later, Gríma is thrown down the steps of the Hall of Cough Syrup. Theoden walks after him, stumbling like a drunken sailor.

 

LEGOLAS: (puts on an eye patch) Arrrrr!

ARAGORN: Stop that.

THEODEN: You would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast, so now I’m going to execute you on my front porch for the morbid amusement of the townspeople.

TOWNSPEOPLE: Woohoo!

ARAGORN: Wait! Enough blood has been spilled on his account.

 

Gríma runs off.

 

LEGOLAS: (hits Aragorn) Now why’d you have to go and do that? Honestly, I can’t bring you anywhere.

TOWNSPEOPLE: Whoo! Gratuitous interfellowship violence! Almost as good as executions!

 

Later, in the mini-Barrow Downs…

 

THEODEN: Ever has this random white flower grown on the graves of my forebears. Now it shall grow on the grave of my son. (turns and looks at the camera) No parent should have to bury their child.

SUBTITLES: This message brought to you by Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

GANDALF: Well, um, sucks for you. Hey, what’s that yonder?

 

Hey, look, it’s those two kids from that burned village.

Inside Meduseld…

 

EOWYN: They had no warning. They were unarmed.

EVERYONE ELSE: Once again enforcing the fact that yes, Uruk-hai do suck royally.

GANDALF: This is but a free sample of what Saruman will unleash if you do not do anything. The real thing is on the way.

THEODEN: I think we should sit here and not do anything. I will not risk open war.

ARAGORN: Open war is upon you like dirt on an elf.

GIMLI: That was the worst comparison of all time.

ARAGORN: Ah, but an elf who’s been rolling in dirt!

 

Silence.

 

ARAGORN: All right, no more comparisons. Open war is upon you, whether you’d risk it or not.

THEODEN: When last I looked, Théoden, not Aragorn, was king of Rohan.

ARAGORN: Yeah, but… but… I’ll sick my elf on you?

LEGOLAS: (shakes head)

ARAGORN: Dammit. I’ve got nothing.

THEODEN: We will move the people to Helm’s Deep. We’ll wall ourselves in with only one way out. That’ll be sure to save us!

EVERYONE ELSE: (twitch)

 

Out in the stables.

 

GANDALF: I’m going now. I’ve got a long tradition of leaving when the people I drag along on my crazy adventures most need me and I’m not about to stop now. Now, I will return at dawn on the fifth day. Meanwhile, Gimli, be adamant; don’t let the insanity get to you. Legolas, flaunt your assets. It’s your job to be really, really, ridiculously good-looking, even in the midst of battle. Aragorn, keep trying to usurp the kingship from Théoden by commanding his troops and talking back at all opportunities.

OTHER THREE: Aye aye, sir.

LEGOLAS: Arrrrr, mayties!

EVERYONE ELSE: Stop that!

 

Gandalf gets on his horse.

 

GANDALF: Ride, Shadowfax! (runs off across a suburban park)

 

…

 

GANDALF: Ai… I’m in a Lord of the Rings parody and I just made an obscure reference to an obscure reference to Lord of the Rings. I need a vacation.

 

Isengard.

 

WORMTONGUE: The people of Rohan will make for Helm’s Deep. They will have women and children.

SARUMAN: Why I am so delighted at the thought of women and children is beyond me.

 

Isengard. But another part of Isengard.

 

SARUMAN: Send out your warg riders.

AUDIENCE: Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

 

Back with Frodo and Sam and Gollum.

 

GOLLUM: We only wish to catch a fish, so juicy sweet…

 

Very soon we will begin to notice that fish is one of the only recurring themes throughout this entire movie.

 

SAM: Hey, don’t be getting too far ahead, Stinker!

FRODO: Why do you do that?

SAM: Do what?

FRODO: Call him names.

SAM: Because that’s what he is, Mr. Frodo. Have you smelled him lately?

FRODO: That’s not the point. The point is… it’s mine! It came to me! My own! My… precioussss…

SAM: That was really random and really disturbing. You do realize who you sound like, right?

FRODO: No. (beat) Oh, Sam, have I ever told you how much I love you?

SAM: Mr. Frodo, I do believe you’re having mood swings.

FRODO: (jumps on Sam) Shut up and kiss me, bitch.

SAM: …

 

That night.

 

FRODO: (lights up some pipe weed) Seven times? Sam, you’re a marvel.

SAM: Well, it’s really not that difficult. It just takes a lot of practise, and you have to make sure you have really good balls.

GOLLUM: Nassssty, disturbing hobbitses.

FRODO: What’s nasty about winning the Hobbiton tenpin bowling championship seven years straight?

GOLLUM: Do they have to discuss it naked in their sleeping bag, precious?

 

Frodo and Sam are silent for a moment.

 

SAM: I guess not.

 

Oscar Wilde once said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Darth Maligna is in the gutter and busy looking for some place even worse.

Off in Rohan, one of Legolas’s baser instincts is awoken by mention of a certain Victorian author. He puts on a bowler hat and two minutes later Aragorn is awoken when Legolas sneaks into his room, straddles him, and winks repeatedly while asking, “Looking for someone?”

Later that night…

 

GOLLUM: Let’s kill the nasty, filthy hobbitses.

SMEAGOL: But we can’t! We swore on the Precious!

GOLLUM: Oh, come on. What’s the Precious going to do to us?

SMEAGOL: …Cast us into a pit of fire?

GOLLUM: Pff. Like that would ever happen.

SMEAGOL: I don’t like you. Go away!

GOLLUM: Go away? Hah! You need me! I saved us! It was me!

SMEAGOL: Too bad. Leave me alone.

GOLLUM: Okay.

 

The next morning, Gollum comes bounding into camp wielding two dead rabbits.

 

GOLLUM: They are nice, they are young, they are tender! (starts digging in)

SAM: Give me that! There’s only one way to eat a brace of conies.

 

Sam pulls out a cookbook from his pack.

 

SAM: …Once you rule out the other 174 options.

AUDIENCE: What the hell is a “brace” of “conies?”

 

Later on, Sam is cooking rabbit stew.

 

SAM: Dammit, how could I have forgotten my spice rack? I mean, I normally don’t even leave home without it.

GOLLUM: Ruining nice rabbitses… stupid, fat hobbit!

 

The audience emits an odd combination of helpless laughter and sympathetic cooing.

 

SAM: (dirty look) What we need is some taters.

GOLLUM: What’s taters, precious?

SAM: Po-ta-toes. Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, throw ‘em at people

GOLLUM: Yuck.

 

Just then Frodo comes running out of the trees.

 

FRODO: Stop arguing about potatoes, dammit! There are more important things at hand! (stomps on the fire)

SAM: What’d you do that for?

FRODO: Sorry, force of habit.

 

On the other side of the trees, we get our first look at the Southrons. Once again, kick-ass costuming. The bad guys are sexy bitches.

 

FRODO: Who knew such nifty outfits existed?
SAM: And here we’ve been running around in breeches for all these years.

 

Hey, look: an oliphaunt!

 

SAM: Hey, look: an oliphaunt!

 

Just then the Southrons fall under attack.

 

SOUTHRONS: But the war hasn’t started yet! No fair!

 

Five minutes later…

 

FRODO: Maybe we should, like… run away. Or something.

SAM: Good idea.

 

They turn around and run straight into a group of extremely tall Jawas. But wait! Those aren’t Jawas!

 

FARAMIR: Congratulations! You’ve just been taken prisoner by Faramir and his band of Merry Men.

SAM: Good god, Merry’s escaped the Fellowship and started a cult devoted to himself.

FARAMIR: No, we’re not sheep. Just… merry.

 

Back in Rohan, Eowyn is testing out a sword or something. Aragorn shows up.

 

ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.

EOWYN: The women of this country learned long ago that those who do not have swords can still die by them. I fear neither pain nor death.

ARAGORN: What do you fear?

EOWYN: Clowns.

 

Later, on the march to Helm’s Deep.

 

GIMLI: So anyway, dwarf women look so much like dwarf men that some people think there are no dwarf women, and that dwarves just sort of spring out of the ground.

LEGOLAS: Like daisies!

SLASHERS IN AUDIENCE: (twitch)

REST OF AUDIENCE: (grin saccharinely at slashers) C’mon, you know you want to.

SLASHERS: Must… fight… reflexes! Dwarves… not… bishy!

REST OF AUDIENCE: Muahahahaha!

ARAGORN: Get out of here, Gimli. We’re sick of your pointless blathering.

 

To add injury to insult, Gimli falls off his horse for the first of what will be many times during the course of the film.

 

GIMLI: I’m tired of playing second fiddle to prettyboys. Maybe I should have taken the Ring and used it to get some respect.

 

Further back in the line… procession… thing.

 

EOWYN: Where is she?

ARAGORN: Who?

EOWYN: The woman who gave you that extremely effeminate piece of jewelry that so clashes with your outfit.

ARAGORN: Legolas? He’s right over there.

 

Suddenly Aragorn is smacked in the back of the head with an obligatory romantic interlude.

Cut to… Rivendell. Or something.

 

LEGOLAS: (jumps on Aragorn) Wake up!

ARAGORN: Oof!

LEGOLAS: Hey, honey. (kisses him) Go to sleep.

ARAGORN: I was just sleeping.

LEGOLAS: I know, but I had to wake you up to do that for no apparent reason. Sleeeeeep.

 

Legolas nances off to the other side of the… room… pavilion… thing. Aragorn, unable to go back to sleep, gets up and follows him.

 

ARAGORN: Weren’t we just marching to Helm’s Deep a second ago?

LEGOLAS: This must be a dream.

ARAGORN: We’re having the same dream?

LEGOLAS: I guess so.

ARAGORN: In the middle of the day?

LEGOLAS: Hey, it’s a good dream; don’t knock it.

ARAGORN: So why are we here, anyway?

LEGOLAS: Building romantic tension. You want me to go get my bowler hat?

ARAGORN: To be honest with you, the bowler hat sort of scares me.

LEGOLAS: (pouts) Fine. Anyway, you must go on the Quest with Frodo.

ARAGORN: Legolas, I did go on the Quest with Frodo. You went too, remember?

LEGOLAS: Yeah. I don’t know why I said that.

ARAGORN: This scene isn’t making any sense whatsoever.

LEGOLAS: Well, let’s just forget talking.

 

Legolas kisses Aragorn. With tongue. Lots of tongue.

 

AUDIENCE: (stares, transfixed) It’s like they’re trying to eat each other’s faces…

LEGOLAS: (breaks it off) Let’s see Arwen do that. Booyah!

 

Back in the march to Helm’s Deep, Aragorn and Legolas come out of a sort of dazed stupor.

 

BOTH: …

ARAGORN: Did you just…

LEGOLAS: Yeah, with the…?

ARAGORN: Uh huh.

EOWYN: Just my luck. No straight men to be found anywhere.

MALI: (appears out of nowhere) Not in this universe, baby. (wink, wink)

EOWYN: Um.

 

Up at the very front of the line, the scouts are out… scouting.

 

HAMA: Doo dee doo, everything looks clear to me.

WARG-RIDER: Boo!

HAMA: Oh, crap.

 

Háma is eaten. Legolas comes running and shoots the warg-rider.

 

LEGOLAS: A scout!

ARAGORN: Well, shit.

 

Aragorn runs back to the procession and Legolas runs ahead to show off.

 

ARAGORN: All right, we’re under attack, but please nobody—

 

The Rohirrim drop their luggage and run around in circles screaming.

 

ARAGORN: —panic.

THEODEN: All riders to the front of the column! Éowyn, you must lead the people to Helm’s Deep.

EOWYN: I can fight, you know.

THEODEN: No! You have to do this.

EOWYN: Grrrgh.

 

Theoden rides off and the director appears out of nowhere again.

 

MALI: (leads Éowyn away) Come on. We’ll discuss how much men suck on the way.

 

Up ahead some ways, Legolas is standing on top of a ridge. In the valley below, the warg riders are approaching but are still like half a mile off. Legolas takes one out with a single shot.

 

LEGOLAS: That was a thousand-pointer right there! (adds it to his score card) I so rule.

 

The riders come over the top of the hill.

 

LEGOLAS: Ah, an opportunity to further reinforce how much cooler I am than basically any other being in Arda.

 

He grabs Arod’s harness and does that thing. You know, that thing that, even if you won’t admit it now, is the single most amazing thing you’ve seen anybody do anywhere. Ever. Yes, even if you’re more of a pervy hobbit fancier or a fan of scruffy-looking humans , Legolas now owns you, whether you like it or not. Thanks to this one breathtaking example of what should be the simple act of mounting a horse, we, and when I say “we” I mean every sentient being on the planet, are now Legolas Greenleaf’s bitches, and he may do with us what he will. And we like it.

And thus, the battle begins. With the orcs, and the Rohirrim, and the wargs, and glaven! Gimli is almost immediately trapped under a warg.

 

GIMLI: Hate this stupid movie.

 

In retaliation for that, I’m dropping another warg on you, you stupid dwarf.

 

GIMLI: Hate you all so much.

LEGOLAS: (skips by) Nance, slash, whack! Hey, Gimli, how’s it going?

GIMLI: Horribly.

LEGOLAS: That’s nice! Hack, chop! (nances away)

ARAGORN: (runs by, killing orcs left and right) Gimli, my main dwarf man, what’s up?

GIMLI: I’m stuck under these giant stinking animals.

ARAGORN: Oh, wonderful! Have fun!

 

Aragorn runs off and leaps onto a warg. He shoves the rider off and is thus left with a perfectly good warg at his disposal. Or so he thinks.

 

ARAGORN: Yes! This is gonna be just like that one part of Return of the Jedi! Only with orcs and wargs instead of stormtroopers and speeder bikes! Go me!

 

What Aragorn doesn’t know is that his stolen warg is nearsighted and can’t see two feet in front of its face. A few moments later, it runs straight off a cliff.

 

ARAGORN: Boooyaaahhh!

 

Fairly soon, the battle is over.

 

LEGOLAS: Where’s Aragorn? I gotta show him how un-dirty I am even after hacking apart 15 orcs. …Aragorn? Estel? Fluffy bunny sugar wumfkin?

Legolas begins to panic. Gimli shows up, inexplicably freed from beneath the wargs.

 

GIMLI: I think that you ought to know that your little band of travelers is going to have one less member next time you see fit to just—

LEGOLAS: (grabs Gimli and shakes him) Aragorn is missing!

GIMLI: Um.

LEGOLAS: Where is he? You did something with him!
GIMLI: I did not!

RANDOM DYING ORC: He took a little spill over that cliff. Muahaha!

 

Legolas runs over to the cliff and looks down to find only rocks and a river. Any river. Pick a river. His eyes well up with tears and he attempts to say something, but all that comes out is whimpering and random gibberish.

 

GIMLI: Maybe he… no… well, what if he… no, that wouldn’t happen, either… yep. I guess he was pretty fucked.

LEGOLAS: Of course he was, but that’s not the point! The point is he’s dead!

 

The elf bursts into tears and just stands there sobbing for several minutes.

 

GIMLI: Oh, come on.

LEGOLAS: Come on? Come on! You know what this means, don’t you?

GIMLI: Er.

LEGOLAS: No more sexual innuendos! No more unnecessarily prominent slashy subplot! No more Spandex! No more bowler hats and group hallucinations and scaring away half the parody’s potential readership!

GIMLI: (optimistically thoughtful) Hmm…

LEGOLAS: And it’s going to be just you and Gandalf from now on because I’m going to diminish and die of a broken heart!

GIMLI: You’re going to leave me alone with Gandalf? But he always bails out at the last second!

LEGOLAS: (has curled up on the ground and has his face buried in his knees) Mrrf.

GIMLI: You’re not going to diminish right this second. You can help me finish out the quest in the meantime.

 

Gimli physically drags Legolas back to Arod. Legolas ignores him and recites angsty elvish love poetry to himself instead.

Helm’s Deep. Éowyn and the villagers are just arriving.

 

EOWYN: (mid-conversation) Well, I’ll think about it.

MALI: Look at you! You could be out there kicking ass and taking names, and instead you’re here, carrying a laundry basket into hiding.

EOWYN: Your proposal of joining forces and exacting revenge upon the chauvinist pigs is intriguing, but I’m not sure it’s not too harsh. I’ll consider it.

MALI: Curses. Foiled again.

 

An undefined amount of time later, the rest of the Rohirrim arrive.

 

EOWYN: (rushes out to meet them) So few of you have returned…

THEODEN: Yeah, well, you know how orcs are. Always killing things.

Legolas and Gimli walk by and are stopped by Éowyn.

 

EOWYN: Where is Lord Aragorn?

 

Legolas stares at her for a minute. His lip quivers and he bursts into tears again and runs off.

 

GIMLI: Don’t say the A-word.

 

Theoden appears startlingly close to the camera.

 

THEODEN: Follow me for a minute. Come on, over here.

 

He leads the camera over to the reservoir… stream… water-type… thing.

 

THEODEN: The Deeping Wall, which you see here, is six feet thick and made of solid rock. It has never been breached by any army. But it does have one weakness… this hole right here. As you can see, it is rather large and protected only by these metal bars. It really isn’t much more than a drain, but it’s sort of necessary anyway. Just a little bit.

 

Isengard.

 

SARUMAN: Eureka! I’ve invented gunpowder!

WORMTONGUE: How about we invent the gun to go with it?

SARUMAN: Shut up, lackey. We’re going to use it to make large, ungainly explosives.

WORMTONGUE: I still don’t understand how we’re even going to attack Helm’s Deep. It would take thousands and thousands of troops.

SARUMAN: Grima, follow me, won’t you?

 

Saruman leads Grima out onto a balcony where they are provided with an expansive, Attack of the Clones-esque view of an army of ten thousand Uruk-hai.

 

WORMTONGUE: Man. Probably should have noticed that on the way in.

SARUMAN: Now, march to Helm’s Deep! Destroy it! Kill things! Be evil!

URUK-HAI: Woohoo!

RANDOM URUK-HAI: Where is Helm’s Deep?

SARUMAN: Um. Well, let’s see… take a right after crossing the River Isen, and march until you get to a crossroads and take a left, and then—

 

Meanwhile, back at Helm’s Deep, Legolas is sitting in a corner looking forlorn.

 

GIMLI: You need to stop moping; we’re about to go into battle and you’re not helping the morale of the humans. Why don’t you find something constructive to do that will take your mind off of things?

 

Fifteen minutes later, Legolas has gathered a considerable group of Rohirrim and is busy lecturing them.

 

LEGOLAS: This is a hairbrush. When run through your hair like so… (demonstrates) …it gets the tangles out and makes it look nice.

ROHIRRIM: (completely awed) Ooooh…

LEGOLAS: Now let’s move on to shampoo.

GIMLI: (shakes head) Shouldn’t have said anything…

 

Fangorn.

 

MERRY: What’s that smoke to the south?

TREEBEARD: Smoke always rises from Isengard these days. Saruman used to like trees, but now he has a mind of metal. Stupid walking bleach advert.

PIPPIN: Hmm… (makes mental note of this for later)

 

Cut to the shores of the river. Aragorn washes up onto the beach and lies there unconscious. Legolas appears out of nowhere.

 

LEGOLAS: Wake up! Wake up, you idiot! You’ll miss the battle sequence if you don’t wake up!

ARAGORN: Mrf.

LEGOLAS: Fine. If you don’t wake up, I’ll… I’ll do another flashback.

ARAGORN: Just five more minutes…

LEGOLAS: You asked for it.

 

Cut to Rivendell.

 

ELROND: The elves’ time here is ending. Legolas’s time here is ending. He must depart for the Undying Lands.

ARAGORN: But where am I supposed to find another boyfriend that can fight crime and look good in Spandex?

ELROND: Oh, I don’t know.

ARAGORN: Besides, we’re sort of… I don’t know… in love.

ELROND: Well, if he goes to the Undying Lands, his love for you will never die.

ARAGORN: …So?

ELROND: He must leave.

ARAGORN: Why?

ELROND: Oh, I don’t know. Some complicated, semi-coherent, Tolkien-type reason.

ARAGORN: Why are you even concerned with this? Shouldn’t Thranduil be reaming me out instead?

ELROND: Yeah, but seeing as Orlando Bloom plays him, too, it would have been sort of odd having him do it.

 

Several minutes of uncomfortable silence ensue.

 

ARAGORN: This lighting is so unflattering.

ELROND: Was I this cranky in the last film?

 

Some time later, in another part of Rivendell…

 

ARAGORN: Elrond says you have to go to the Undying Lands.

LEGOLAS: But I don’t want any of that. I just want to be with you. Who cares about stupid old Aman anyway?

GALADRIEL: (pops out of a random shrubbery) If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore, thy heart shall then dwell in the forest no more!

ARAGORN: Are you calling me a forest?

 

Back to Rohan. End flashback. Aragorn wakes up.

 

LEGOLAS: It’s about time.

ARAGORN: Legolas? Is it really you?

LEGOLAS: No, not really. I’m a hallucination resulting from years of smoking pipeweed. But look, I brought your horse. (disappears)

ARAGORN: Boy, am I glad to see you, Brego.

AUDIENCE: He’s going to ride a dead king of Rohan to Helm’s Deep?

ARAGORN: Brego is my horse.

AUDIENCE: No, Hasufel is your horse.

ARAGORN: Um. I think maybe there was a cut scene somewhere back there or something. Or maybe Hasufel and Arod were switched. Yeah, that makes sense. This is Arod. And Brego. Dammit, I should have just taken the bus.

 

Back with Faramir and his Merry Men, in their Top Secret Hideout.

 

FARAMIR: (studying a map) Okay, so we’ve got Isengard on one side and Mordor on the other. Curse those elves for taking all the good spots for their kingdoms first. Ah, well. Off to interrogate the prisoners.

 

He goes and unties Frodo and Sam.

 

FARAMIR: All right, who are you?

FRODO: We are but simple travelers who got separated from our tour group.

FARAMIR: Then who was that gangly creature that was with you?

FRODO: That? That was a squirrel.

FARAMIR: You’re a terrible liar. Who are you really?

FRODO: All right, you got me. We are hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name and this is Samwise Gamgee.

FARAMIR: His bodyguard?

SAM: His love interest.

FRODO: We set out from Rivendell with seven companions: two were my kin. There were also a dwarf, a wizard, an elf, and two men: Aragorn son of Arathorn and Boromir of Gondor.

FARAMIR: You were a friend of Boromir?

FRODO: Actually, I hated his stinking guts.

FARAMIR: He was my brother.

FRODO: …Oh… Oh! That Boromir! I thought you meant another Boromir. Yeah, yeah, me and Boromir were best friends! No! We were more than friends; we were more akin to brothers. Yes, brothers! No! Not brothers! Lovers! Boromir and I spent many a night under the mallorn trees of Lórien—

SAM: (elbows Frodo)

FRODO: Yes! Boromir and I were friends!

FARAMIR: So, supposed friend/brother/lover of Boromir, it would then grieve you to know that Boromir is dead.

FRODO: Dead? You know this? How?

FARAMIR: Can’t explain that, even for people who haven’t read the books.

FRODO: …Oh.

FARAMIR: So what are you trying to accomplish here, so close to the land of Mordor?

FRODO: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

FARAMIR: Right. Go sit over there in that dank, dirty corner for a while.

 

The hobbits trudge off.

 

SAM: Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

FRODO: I can’t. He’ll find me.

SAM: Oh. Well, all right then.

FRODO: Why does the lighting on my face keep switching sides?

 

Later that night, the hobbits are asleep.

 

FARAMIR: Wake up.

FRODO: Mrf?

FARAMIR: You must come with me.

 

Faramir leads Frodo out through a passage up to the side of the waterfall.

 

FARAMIR: Look down there.

 

Frodo does so. In the pool beneath them, Gollum is catching fish.

 

FARAMIR: To enter the Forbidden Jacuzzi of Gondor bears the penalty of death. Shall I kill him?

FRODO: Umm… er…

 

The Jeopardy theme plays in the background.

 

FRODO: Yes. Wait a minute! No. Let me go down to him. This creature is bound to me, and I to him.

FARAMIR: Frodo Baggins, you go through slash partners faster than Ben Affleck in mating season.

FRODO: That’s not what I meant. And that thing about Boromir… that was a misunderstanding.

FARAMIR: But you said—

FRODO: A misunderstanding.

 

Frodo goes down to the Forbidden Jacuzzi.

 

GOLLUM: Alive without breath, as cold as death, never thirsting…

FRODO: Smeagol!

GOLLUM: Huh?

FRODO: It’s Master. You must come with me, Smeagol!

GOLLUM: We must go… now?

FRODO: Unfortunately, yes.

GOLLUM: Grargh. Just when we found the first decent sushi bar in weeks, too.

Gollum follows Frodo away from the pool, only to have a sack thrust over his head and be carried off by the Merry Men.

 

FRODO: Don’t hurt him!

MERRY MEN: Piss off.

 

Inside.

 

FARAMIR: Who are you?

GOLLUM: Sméagol… why does it cry, Sméagol?

SMEAGOL: Master tricksed us!

GOLLUM: It’s no less than you deserve. You’re a liar and a thief.

SMEAGOL: I only lied about being a thief.

GOLLUM: Besides, I told you he was tricksy. I told you he was false. He stole it from us.

FARAMIR: He stole what from you?

GOLLUM: Our… PRECIOUS!

FARAMIR: Based on this information alone I can automatically deduce that Frodo is in possession of something very specific I was not even aware existed in the book.

 

Over by Frodo and Sam.

 

FARAMIR: So, this is the answer to all the riddles. The One Ring.

SAM: (hisses to Frodo) How does he know about that?

FRODO: (shrug)

FARAMIR: Here I have you… two halflings out in the wilderness, a host of men at my beck and call, and the Ring of Power within my grasp.

 

It occurs to all present that based on the last line, this scene could turn out really, really kinky.

 

FARAMIR: A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his quality.

AUDIENCE: (sit there eating popcorn and smiling unsuspectingly)

FARAMIR: The Ring will go to Gondor.

AUDIENCE: (choke on their popcorn)

FRODO AND SAM: What?

 

Faramir stands there laughing maniacally as panic erupts around him and J.R.R. Tolkien rolls in his grave. Either Peter Jackson did not actually read Book IV, or aliens have unexpectedly taken over Faramir’s brain.

Back in the Riddermark, Aragorn arrives at Helm’s Deep.

 

ARAGORN: I’m not dead yet!

GIMLI: Oh, thank the Valar you’re alive, laddie! Legolas has gone on a personal hygiene education spree without you.

ARAGORN: Uh oh.

 

Aragorn enters the Hornburg.

 

LEGOLAS: …And if you use the right sort of aftershave, you’ll smell nice and you won’t develop any—(looks up) Aragorn? Is it really you?

 

Legolas runs across the room and jumps on Aragorn, wrapping his arms and legs around him tightly enough to asphyxiate a lesser man.

 

ROHIRRIM: Wait! You still haven’t taught us about disposable razors!

LEGOLAS: (kisses Aragorn repeatedly) IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou! (kisses him more) I missed you so much! You stupid, inconsiderate, incredibly sexy human!

ARAGORN: Shouldn’t you have expected this based on the title of the third book?

LEGOLAS: Let’s leave the fourth wall out of this, darling.

 

Aragorn notices that Legolas is attempting to figure out a way of removing his tunic without letting go of him.

 

ARAGORN: I’ve only been gone like two days, Legolas, and this really isn’t the time or the place. There are more pressing matters… in a completely practical sense, of course…

LEGOLAS: You’re right! I’d almost forgotten! (eyes fill with tears) Aragorn, you’re late.

ARAGORN: Did I miss the battle? I would have been here sooner but I got the strangest craving for Chinese food on the way and—

LEGOLAS: No. You’re late.

 

Silence.

 

LEGOLAS: I keep a calendar.

 

More silence. Legolas just sits there grinning at Aragorn.

 

ARAGORN: Legolas, how is this even possible?

LEGOLAS: Don’t ruin the moment, love.

ARAGORN: Okay.

 

Éowyn skips over.

 

EOWYN: How about you name the baby after me?

ARAGORN: Éowyn Greenleaf-Telcontar?

LEGOLAS: We’ll, uh, think about it.

ARAGORN: And pray it’s not a girl.

 

Legolas elbows him. Éowyn leaves.

 

ARAGORN: I knew there would be a downside to all of that free time in Lothlórien.

LEGOLAS: This isn’t a downside! (smacks him)

ARAGORN: Easy for you to say; you’re not the one who’s going to have to overthrow the Dark Lord in maternity clothes. And I—and I—(eyes glaze over) and I need pickles. And chocolate sauce! Do we have any chocolate sauce?

LEGOLAS: We can go ask Théoden.

 

The throne room… type… thing.

 

THEODEN: So there are how many coming?

ARAGORN: Ten thousand at least.

THEODEN: Well, shit. What are we supposed to do now?

ARAGORN: Well, what if we built a giant badger and—

 

Legolas elbows Aragorn.

 

THEODEN: Wait, I want to hear his idea.

LEGOLAS: No, you don’t.

THEODEN: And what makes you so knowledgeable in these matters?

LEGOLAS: I… uh… planned the winning strategy at the Battle of Five Armies. They just didn’t give me any credit. However, if Bilbo had been conscious at the time, he would have seen the King of the Elves’ amazingly attractive and talented son leading the good guys to victory.

THEODEN: Oh, I see.

GIMLI: Liar.

LEGOLAS: Shut up.

 

Outside on the Deeping Wall.

 

THEODEN: We only have three hundred men, even if we use really old people and really young ones.

ARAGORN: What if we called in reinforcements from somewhere else?

THEODEN: And who would come?

ARAGORN: Well, plenty of people. You just have to know how to ask them. Legolas, Gimli, show him the invitation we made.

 

Gimli hands Théoden a sheet of paper that reads as follows:

 

You’re invited to a party!

When: As soon as possible.

Where: Helm’s Deep, Rohan.

Why: Because… uh… just because.

There will be food, music, and dancing. We will also play many fun party games such as Twister, pin-the-tail-on-the-oliphaunt, and defeat-the-army-of-invading-Uruk-hai. Please bring an appetizer, a full set of battle armour, and as many friends as you can gather. RSVP unnecessary.

 

THEODEN: It’s not going to work. I mean, it’s a good idea, but who’s going to make the food? Who’s going to hang the streamers? Who’s going to blow up balloons?

 

A cricket chirps.

 

THEODEN: I thought so. We are alone.

GIMLI: What if you had your women fight?

THEODEN: Don’t be preposterous.

ARAGORN: So essentially what you’re saying is that twelve-year-old boys are more useful in a battle than full-grown women.

THEODEN: Basically yes.

ARAGORN: You idiot. Look at Legolas: he’s a girl and he’s killed more orcs than most of the rest of us put together on this quest.

 

Fangorn.

 

TREEBEARD: We’re going to have an entmoot.

PIPPIN: What’s an entmoot?

TREEBEARD: A gathering.

MERRY: Of what?

TREEBEARD: Ents. By the Valar, you people are slow.

 

A bunch of other ents emerge from the trees and all the fangeeks in the audience busy themselves with picking out their favourite.

 

MALI: (panicking in her indecision) Dammit, isn’t there a gingko Ent?

 

The hobbits are shooed off to the other side of the clearing and the entmoot begins.

Helm’s Deep. The Rohirrim are suiting up.

 

ARAGORN: This is no army.

GIMLI: Most of them have seen too many winters.

LEGOLAS: Or too few. They are afraid. You can see it in their eyes.

ARAGORN: Well, duh.

LEGOLAS: This is futile. Three hundred against ten thousand! They are all going to die.

ARAGORN: Then I will die as one of them!

LEGOLAS: Think of the baby!

 

Everyone turns and stares at Legolas and Aragorn.

 

LEGOLAS: Whoops. That may have been a bit loud.

 

The throne room. Thing. Théoden is having Gamling put on his armour since he apparently cannot do it himself. Due to the unusual lighting, the audience is temporarily blinded and any contact lenses those present might have been wearing are now permanently melted to their eyeballs.

 

THEODEN: Who am I, Gamling?

GAMLING: You are our king. If you’re going to have a problem remembering that, I can get you a magic marker and you can write it in your palm for later.

THEODEN: Do you trust your king?

GAMLING: I… guess so.… Is this a trick question?

THEODEN: Where are the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains.

GAMLING: What’s he babbling about? He’s like the king that wouldn’t shut up.

 

The steps of the Hornburg. Aragorn is sitting there sulking.

 

ARAGORN: Grrgh. “Think of the baby.” I’ll teach him to think of the baby.… This is all his fault anyway.

LEGOLAS: (pops out of nowhere) Is not! It was the author who made mpreg possible in this universe!

ARAGORN: Hey, you’re right!

MALI: But it was Legolas who provided the other 23 chromosomes!

LEGOLAS: But she misinterpreted the “you’re late” line in the first place!

MALI: But he’s the one who actually said it!

LEGOLAS: But Peter Jackson wrote it!

MALI: So it’s Peter Jackson’s fault!

ARAGORN: Look, you guys are kinda confusing me, so be gone. Or however I get rid of you.

MALI AND LEGOLAS: That’ll work. (poof!)

 

Inside, Aragorn is suiting up.

 

ARAGORN: Am I a badass or what?

 

Just then Legolas appears behind him.

 

LEGOLAS: Hey, sorry for how I acted earlier. It’s not my place to lose faith. I still have a bad feeling about this, but I suppose you really do have to survive until the third book and so we can’t all be slaughtered. I apologize.

ARAGORN: There’s nothing to forgive, Legolas. You were right, too: most of the more expendable characters probably are going to be killed. That whole thing about me dying as one of them was a load of crap.

 

Legolas smiles weakly.

 

ARAGORN: What’s wrong?

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, you’re not… mad about the baby, are you?

ARAGORN: No! Of course not. I’m happy; I really am. It’s just… this was not the timing I would ideally have picked. But I love you, and I don’t regret anything.

LEGOLAS: Oh, good, because the Rohirrim women said if we make it out of here alive they want to throw you a baby shower.

ARAGORN: They what?

 

Just then there is the sound of a horn blowing outside. Aragorn immediately grabs Legolas and throws them both to the ground.

 

LEGOLAS: That’s not an air raid siren.

ARAGORN: Well, living in Britain through the early 1940’s instills one with certain reflexes.

LEGOLAS: Stop making things up.

ARAGORN: Okay.

 

Aragorn and Legolas emerge from the armoury to find that there really is an air raid and our only hope lies in Ben Affleck and Josh Hairnet, two courageous fighter pilots!

 

AUDIENCE: Oh my god.

 

Just kidding!

 

AUDIENCE: Don’t scare us like that, you stupid bitch.

MALI: Hah! Suckers!

 

Actually, it’s a whole bunch of elves. Elves in armour. It doesn’t get any sexier than this.

 

HALDIR: Guess who’s making an unexpected reappearance!

 

Okay, maybe it does.

 

SMALLISH PORTION OF AUDIENCE: Yes! Haldir!

REST OF AUDIENCE: Hey, it’s that cranky guy from the last movie. Isn’t it? Yeah. He’s got that nose.

HALDIR FANS: Piss off.

HALDIR: I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell.

RANDOM SMARTASS: Aren’t you from Lórien?

HALDIR: Shut up and let me talk. An alliance once existed between men and elves. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance.

 

Aragorn runs down and glomps Haldir.

 

ARAGORN: Mae govannen!

 

The rest of the elves suddenly and inexplicably snap to attention as one unit.

 

THEODEN: Wow. They’re good.

HALDIR: You ain’t seen nothing yet. Squad! Camp it… up!

SECOND ELVEN DIVISION: (prance about in unison) Ooh, get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two, three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy! Whoops, don't look now, girls, the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, three, ooh!

 

The humans clap appreciatively.

And thus, the battle begins.

 

AUDIENCE: Woohoo!

 

As the Uruk-hai arrive, it begins to rain. This would be so disgustingly cliché as to sicken most of the people in the audience, but seeing as it involves lots of soaking wet elves, we’ll learn to deal with it.

 

AUDIENCE: Yes, I’m sure we can cope.

URUK-HAI: We are the fighting Uruk-hai!

RANDOM SMARTASS: As opposed to what other sort of Uruk-hai?

URUK-HAI: Well, the knitting Uruk-hai, the flying Uruk-hai, and the all-singing, all-dancing Uruk-hai performing arts troupe.

RANDOM SMARTASS: …Oh.

 

A random human loses his grip on his arrow and kills a random Uruk.

 

ARAGORN: Hey! You weren’t supposed to fire yet!

 

The Uruk-hai, affronted, charge.

 

ARAGORN: Well, I guess now you can.

 

Due to the elves’ impeccable aim and seemingly inexhaustible supply of arrows, at first it seems like the orcs are in pretty deep shit. It turns out, however, that they have brought ladders.

 

ELVES: You mean they’re going to come up here?

 

Um… yeah.

 

ELVES: And this would necessitate hand-to-hand combat?

 

Yeees…

 

ELVES: Ew! We can’t touch them! They’re icky!

 

The elves erupt in panic. Legolas, who is used to this sort of thing, and Gimli roll their eyes and get to work.

 

GIMLI: I’ve got two already!

LEGOLAS: I’m on seventeen.

GIMLI: Dammit.

 

Fangorn.

 

TREEBEARD: (walks over to the hobbits) We have come to an agreement.

 

…

 

PIPPIN: Yes?

TREEBEARD: Oh, um… we have decided that you are not orcs.

PIPPIN: Oh, good; I was worried about that.

MERRY: But what about Saruman? There’s war to be fought! Blood to be spilled! Orcs to be hacked into tiny little pieces!

 

Pippin turns to gape at Merry and is shocked to notice that his eyes are glowing red and there is lightning crackling at his fingertips.

 

PIPPIN: Um… Merry? Are you feeling all right?

MERRY: Blood… blood!

PIPPIN: Right then…

 

Back at Helm’s Deep.

 

ELVES: Dude. We’re getting shot. This sucks.

THEODEN; Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?

ORCS: Hah! We’ve got a battering ram! And explosives!

THEODEN: Well, shit.

 

The orcs set the explosives in that little drain thing we pointed out earlier. And now it’s time for… the Olympic Kamikaze Uruk-hai! Oh, joy!

URUK-HAI: There are plenty of us standing here with torches. Why do we have to wait for this one particular guy?

 

Meh.

 

ARAGORN: Hey, Legolas, shoot that one!

LEGOLAS: Okay.

 

Legolas hits it. And then he hits it again. But to no avail; he shoots Aragorn a helpless look right before a large part of the Deeping Wall explodes spectacularly.

 

AUDIENCE: Wow, you can see individual bodies flying around. Sweet.

 

The elves and humans all look at each other and then all run off into the Hornburg, leaving only Aragorn outside to guard against the onslaught.

 

ARAGORN: Great, I’m stuck in a level from the video game.

LEGOLAS: (runs up) Don’t worry; I haven’t abandoned you to torment and game overs.

ARAGORN: Thanks. Come on, Legolas. Let’s get frocked.

 

They rip off their tunics to reveal their trusted Spandex and thus become Rangerman and Elfboy!

 

PEOPLE WHO READ LAST LOTR PARODY: Oh great. Can we not just forget this bloody superhero thing? It doesn’t even make any sense!

MALI: Let me think about it… No!

ELFBOY: (kazoo fanfare)

 

They pull out their plastic lightsaber and Nerf gun and charge into the oncoming wall of orcs. They appear to be doing pretty all right until…

 

BOTH: Oh, bollocks.

 

The troll and the explosive Uruk-hai all rush at them at once.

Fangorn: Merry and Pippin are getting dressed.

 

AUDIENCE: Why were they undressed in the first place? (beat) Oh, dear.

PIPPIN: Maybe Treebeard is right. Maybe we should go home.

MERRY: There won’t be a home to go to, Pip. The woods of Buckland and Tuckborough will burn in the fires of industry.

PIPPIN: Merry, I’m sick of you being the Exhibition Hobbit.

MERRY: That wasn’t exhibition. That was foreshadowing. I’m now Merry the Foreshadowing Hobbit.

PIPPIN: Grrr.

 

Helm’s Deep. Rangerman and Elfboy defeat the last of the immediately threatening enemies.

 

ELFBOY: Man, that sucked.

MALI: You’re right. It did.

 

The author turns off the GameCube. Immediately the elves reappear, as do the Rohirrim, but they weren’t really accomplishing much of anything anyhow. A new tide of Uruk-hai floods in as well.

 

THEODEN: Hmm. Well, as long as we can concentrate our defenses around that area of the wall, I think we’ll be all right.

 

Just then, the orcs start on the door with the battering ram.

 

THEODEN: Curses. Let’s… uh… block the door or something. You, under-appreciated dwarf! Get out there and hold off the Uruk-hai!

GIMLI: If I’m going down, I’m taking Aragorn with me.

 

Gimli grabs Aragorn and drags him out onto that… umm… well, it’s kind of a walkway… bridge… catwalk! It’s a catwalk!

 

RANGERMAN: I do my business on the catwalk!

GIMLI: Shut up.

 

Gimli and Rangerman start hacking away at the Uruk-hai while the Rohirrim pile up debris against the door.

 

THEODEN: Okay, that’s enough. You guys can come in now; we’re done barricading the—oh, dammit.

ELFBOY: Rangerman! Use your Ranger Grappling Hook!

 

Rangerman does so and then he and Gimli manage, once again, to escape Certain Doom. Will Helm’s Deep hold? Will our heroes prevail? Tune in next week to find out; same bat-time, same bat-network.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of the fortress, Haldir is busy hacking apart bad guys when suddenly he notices that not all is right in the world of the Elvish Personal Hygiene Obsession.

 

HALDIR: (melodramatically) By the Valar, my hair is amiss!

 

Unfortunately, while he is busy worrying about his hair a random orc runs up and stabs him in the back.

 

AUDIENCE: What the—?

 

And then he does it again.

 

MALI: Noooooo!

HALDIR FANGIRLS: Noooooooo!

REST OF AUDIENCE: Who cares?

HALDIR FANGIRLS: Shut up! That was so completely unnecessary!
MALI: You know what? You’re right. But fear not! We can fix it!

 

The movie rewinds back to the part when Haldir first arrives.

 

HALDIR: Long ago, we fought and died together.

 

The movie pauses.

 

MALI: All right, this is where our problem lies. He jinxed himself!

 

The movie rewinds again.

 

HALDIR: Long ago, we fought and—

BAD DUBBING: —partied—

HALDIR: —together.

 

Fast forward back to just before our current position. The random orc runs up behind Haldir and raises his sword to strike, but is interrupted when a disco ball appears out of nowhere, the stone floor turns into one of those multicoloured flashing dance floors, and somebody puts on a Village People album. Everybody present begins to dance, whether they want to or not.

Off in another part of the battle, Legolas grabs a shield and goes surfing down a flight of stairs. This would be really thrilling if it hadn’t been in all of the trailers.

Fangorn. Treebeard is back and he and the hobbits have returned to… what else? Wandering around in the woods.

 

TREEBEARD: I will leave you on the western borders of the forest. From there you can make your way back to your home despite never really having navigated anywhere before in your short lives.

PIPPIN: Wait, turn around! Take us south.

TREEBEARD: But if I turn around, we’ll be going east.

PIPPIN: Well, turn left. Take us south.

TREEBEARD: But that would lead you past Isengard.

PIPPIN: Exactly. I want to ding-dong ditch Saruman before we go home.

TREEBEARD: That doesn’t sound very smart to me, but then again, you are very small. All right, young hobbits, we shall go south.

 

Gondor. Faramir, the Merry Men, and their three prisoners come upon Osgiliath, off in the distance.

 

FARAMIR: Uh, oh. It’s on fire.

MERRY MAN #35: The city has been abandoned for hundreds of years. What do you suppose is left to burn?

FARAMIR: Hush.

FRODO: The Ring cannot save Gondor. It has only the power to destroy, and make tuna casserole. You must let me go!

FARAMIR: Shut up. The Ring is going to Gondor, and you’re going to my house to be my tiny little manservant, who fetches my slippers and does quirky little dances for my twisted amusement.

FRODO: What about Sam?

FARAMIR: We’re going to eat him.

FRODO: Nooooooo!

 

Back in Fangorn.

 

TREEBEARD: …So then I said to him, “Hey! Balrogs don’t have wings!”

PIPPIN: I don’t get it.

 

Treebeard and the hobbits emerge into a clearing where all of the trees have been chopped down. Treebeard stops, shocked, and we see that they have come upon Isengard.

 

TREEBEARD: Holy crap. I wasn’t expecting this. Well, I guess this negates everything that we decided at the Entmoot.

 

A bunch of other ents magically appear out of nowhere.

 

TREEBEARD: The ents are going to war. It is likely that we are going to our dooms.

They march off towards Isengard.

 

MERRY: How did you know that would work, Pip?

PIPPIN: I didn’t.

MERRY: So why did you ask him to come this way?

PIPPIN: I really was planning on playing ding-dong ditch.

 

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Battle of Helm’s Deep!

 

THEODEN: This whole barricading the door thing isn’t working. Let’s just go hide in the inner keep.

 

They leave the door and run for it.

 

AUDIENCE: Hey, what happened to all those elves?

 

Um.

 

AUDIENCE: Did they all die?

 

Er… yes.

 

AUDIENCE: All of them?

 

I guess so.

 

AUDIENCE: You stupid twat. We loved those elves.

 

Sorry.

Inside the keep, the remaining good guys are blocking the door with sofas, wardrobes, and large kitchen appliances. Also, Aragorn and Legolas are back to normal. The Spandex was getting scary.

 

THEODEN: We might as well give up. There is no hope.

ARAGORN: Sure there is; we still haven’t used up all the furniture.

 

As he says this, Legolas upends a table and shoves it up against the door.

 

THEODEN: What good is it? We cannot hold out.

ARAGORN: Yeah, but if we don’t have the women and children to worry about we can still get in some pretty spectacular visuals. Is there any other way to get them out?

GAMLING: (still hanging around after all this time) There’s a passage that leads into the mountains.

ARAGORN: Good, get them out through there.

THEODEN: What about us?

ARAGORN: Ride out with me. Once the women and children are gone, we’re free to go sacrifice ourselves valiantly. For death and glory! For Rohan! We will fight them unto the bitter end, for ‘tis better to die fighting for what one believes in than to run away and hide until they overtake our defenses and—oh, wait, it’s dawn. Gandalf’s due back. Forget everything I just said.

THEODEN: All right, then.

LEGOLAS: (punts Gimli) You’re just going to get in the way. Go blow the horn of Helm Hammerhand or something.

GIMLI: Grrrgh. I’d better get some sort of spectacular revenge for this in Return of the King.

MALI: I’ll consider it, Gimlikins. (says this as she sits there petting Legolas and Aragorn the Favoured Slash Boys)

GIMLI: The author, the cast, the stupid people who left my action figure to be shunted off into the 75% off bin at Kmart… everybody’s against me. I don’t deserve this shit, dammit! I’m John Rhys-Davies!

MALI: (busy making Legolas and Aragorn do obscene things to each other off in a corner) Hmm? Did you say something?

 

Gimli stomps off, muttering obscenities in Khuzdûl.

Outside, the Uruk-hai are still breaking in. Théoden, Legolas, Aragorn, and a bunch of random people jump on their horses.

 

THEODEN: Wheeeehooo! Death and glory!

AUDIENCE: Wow, he’s going all Denethor on us. Humans really can’t cope with supreme executive power.

 

The doors shatter at last and the good guys go riding out.

 

THEODEN: Forth Eorlingas!

 

The Rohirrim all gallop off, mowing down Uruks left and right. Aragorn and Legolas are left sitting in their dust. A long pause.

 

LEGOLAS: Do you suppose he’ll come back and tell us when we can go forth?

ARAGORN: I think he forgot we’re not Eorlingas.

LEGOLAS: Do you suppose you could just use your hypothetical anticipatory supreme executive power to, um, move things along?

ARAGORN: Yeah, all right. Forth… um… Dunedan… and elf… ingas!

 

Aragorn and Legolas gallop off.

Outside, we get this really stunning shot of the few remaining Eorl/Dunedan/elf-ingas doing their business on the catwalk amidst thousands of remaining Uruk-hai. Half the beauty of this lies in the fact that the situation looks so hopeless, but this is effectively negated when Gandalf shows up.

 

GANDALF: Théoden King stands alone.

 

Oh, no. Here it comes.

 

GANDALF: The king stands alone! The king stands alone! Hi-ho the dairy-o, the king stands alone!

 

A collective groan.

 

EOMER: Not alone. For I have returned with my two-thousand-plus Riders of Rohan.

AUDIENCE: Wait, didn’t you have fifty or so Riders like a week ago?

EOMER: Yes, I did. But, you see, we have been breeding.

ARAGORN: Oh, good, so it’s not just me then.

 

Gandalf, Éomer, and the two thousand or so Riders all charge down towards the battle at an incline that is most likely physically impossible.

Back at Isengard, the ents are busy breaking down walls, stepping on orcs, and repeatedly calling Saruman collect from the pay-palantír down the street.

 

ORCS: Wow, we are really getting our asses kicked. By a bunch of trees, too. Do we suck or what?

SARUMAN: (runs out onto balcony) Hey, you kids! Get out of my yard! (shakes fist)

 

The ents pull down a nearby dam, thus flooding Isengard. Yes, that is a lot of water considering from what we saw of the Isen earlier, it looked more akin to a largish creek than an actual river, but who cares? Also, we don’t know how it got from ground level to building up behind a wall in the mountains, but who cares? It still looks pretty nifty.

Back in Osgiliath, the Nazgul arrive and everybody starts to freak out and run around in circles although they are not really harming anybody so much as just flying around looking menacing.

 

FRODO: Ooh, I’m possessed.

 

Frodo climbs up some stairs onto some sort of old bridge-type thing and is immediately faced with one of the Ringwraiths.

 

FRODO: Look, I’ve got the Ring! Nyah, nyah! (does a quirky little dance)

SAM: Mr. Frodo, no!

 

Sam rushes up behind Frodo and drags him down. They go rolling down the stairs. And it’s just in time, too, because the Wraith’s flying-thingy makes a move like it was about to bite off Frodo’s head. Which would, admittedly, have been interesting to watch. Faramir shoots the flying-thingy, which is blatantly unfair seeing as it was Legolas’s right to do so and he never got to. Jerk.

 

FARAMIR: Sorry.

 

Frodo and Sam get to the bottom of the stairs and commence rolling around, fighting over who gets to straddle whom. Frodo comes out the dominant one. Hah!

 

SAM: It’s your Sam! Don’t you remember your Sam?

FRODO: (twitches, drops Sting, and dismounts – hah!) I can’t do this, Sam.

SAM: I know, Mr. Frodo. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here.

AUDIENCE: Now they realize it!

SAM: It’s like in those stories you used to hear. Full of danger, they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could it turn out all right after so much bad had happened? But the people in those stories kept going, no matter how bad things got, and when it was all over the sun shone out the clearer. Those were the stories that really mattered, Frodo, even if you were too young to understand why. (turns to audience) This has been free insight from Samwise Gamgee as to why you people are so goddamn obsessive.

MOST OF AUDIENCE: Wow, he really does know us!

SMALL PORTION OF AUDIENCE: Actually, we’re just in it for the slash.

 

Faramir shows up.

 

FARAMIR: I think at last we understand each other, Frodo Baggins.

FRODO: Oh, I understand you just fine! You’re some kind of sick freak who derives pleasure from torturing hobbits, character assassination, fucking with plotlines, and making J.R.R. Tolkien roll in his grave!

FARAMIR: Um, actually I was just about to let you go.

FRODO: Well, it’s about time, you stupid bastard.

FARAMIR: …Sorry.

 

Back with Gandalf and company…

 

GANDALF: The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-earth has just begun. And if Helm’s Deep was as long as it was, Pelennor Fields is going to take up a whole movie on its own.

AUDIENCE: Woohoo!

MALI: Well, great. Do these people know how difficult it is to parody battle sequences? I can only make so many black ships/Pirates of the Caribbean references, you know. Grr.

GANDALF: All of our hopes now lie with two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness.

ARAGORN: Help me, Frodo Baggins! You’re my only hope!

Legolas elbows Aragorn.

Somewhere in the wilderness…

 

SAM: Do you suppose we’ll ever be put into songs or tales, Mr. Frodo?

FRODO: Sure. We’ll probably even get a whole display rack to ourselves at Borders someday.

SAM: Yeah, someday lots of people will want to read overpriced hardback editions of the story of Frodo Baggins, the most famousest of all hobbits.

FRODO: Well, I want to hear more about Sam. Frodo wouldn’t have gotten far without Sam.

SAM: It’s not nice to make fun, Mr. Frodo. I was being serious.

FRODO: So was I.

 

And once again, the movie adaptation ends on an extremely cute and slashy Frodo/Sam note.

 

NON-SLASHERS IN AUDIENCE: All right, all right, we give up. Sheesh.

 

But wait! There’s more!

 

GOLLUM: Master tricksed us! We ought to wring his filthy little neck!

SMEAGOL: Okay, I agree, but it’s too risky.

GOLLUM: Well what if we let HER do it?

SMEAGOL: Yes! SHE could do it!

GOLLUM: You hear that, audience? THE FEMALE ENTITY that we are talking about could kill the hobbitses!

AUDIENCE: Thank you for the reassurance that Shelob has not, in fact, been cut, but rather only postponed. I suppose we did get our giant spider fix for this year in Harry Potter, anyhow.

SAM: Where have you run off to, Stinker?

GOLLUM: Here we are! Come on, hobbitses, we’ve a ways to go yet!

 

Gollum collapses into a fit of maniacal laughter. Frodo and Sam shoot each other an uneasy look.

The end.

 

COMMENTATOR: WHAT will become of Frodo and Sam? WHEN will Gimli get some respect? WILL Aragorn be able to find some maternity chain mail in time for the Pelennor Fields? The answers to these questions and more in Visit Scenic Arda: A Sneaking Tour of Mordor, coming next year to a computer near you!