Visit Scenic Arda Episode I
A Walking Tour of
Middle-earth
Author:
Darth Maligna, with invaluable help from FlameRaven
Rating:
PG-13
Disclaimer:
I don’t own these characters. I’m just having some nonprofit fun with them.
Please don’t sue me or turn me into anything… unnatural.
Notes:
I apologize in advance. A big thank-you to FlameRaven, who braved the perils of
spending the night at my house in order to help me out with this and make
wisecracks about the Bakshi cartoon with me. I’d also like to offer up this fic
in memory of Invader ZIM, whose cancellation has been a hard blow to all of us.
This story wouldn’t have nearly as many pointless references without it. And…
uh… yeah, that’s about it.
VOICE OVER:
Long ago in the land of
Middle-Earth
(which is this place, and
it’s completely
desolate, and it would never
be in real
life at all, and it’s huge,
and it’s a gajillion
miles wide, and it’s nowhere
to be found
on Earth, but it’s right
over there), the
Great Rings were forged.
Three were
given to the elves, wisest
and fairest and
all-around perfectest of all
beings, seven
were given to the dwarf
lords (Sleepy,
Grumpy, Dopey, Happy,
Sneezy, Bashful,
and Doc) who were like
really short Vikings,
and nine rings were given to
the race of
men, who spent most of their
time
wondering whatever happened
to the
female half of their
species. But they were
all of them deceived, for
because they were
easily distracted by shiny
objects, they
failed to notice that the
dark lord Sauron
(who isn’t THAT much like
Voldemort) was
busy forging one ring that
could rule them
all and also had a nifty
poem to go with it.
That was really quite a nifty thing
It was shiny and gold
With powers untold
So someday I’m gonna be king
Yes… well…
you keep working on that.
Anyway,
eventually Sauron did write a
decent
poem and finished the Ring and
used it to
crush the cities and towns of
Middle-earth
one by one. But just then,
out of
nowhere, marched this vast army of
men and
elves that Sauron seemed to have
forgotten
to conquer and they fought a big,
huge
battle on the slopes of Mount Doom.
SOLDIER: But sir, some of us are
elves.
ELROND: Okay… beings.
SOLDIER: Uh, sir, shouldn’t you
put on, y’know, a helmet?
ELROND: No need. Watch this.
Elrond goes into bullet-time,
dodging a whole bunch of orc arrows.
AUDIENCE: Matrix jokes are so
1999.
MALI: Yeah, but… but… it’s Hugo
Weaving!
AUDIENCE: Whatever…
So anyway,
if the author is done with
her little
Agent Smith Awareness Campaign,
may I
continue? Thank you. But just
as it
looked as though they might have
stood a
chance, Sauron himself came
along and
started killing people left and
right! But
then Isildur, son of the king, took
up his
father’s sword! But then Sauron
stepped
and/or Isildur fell on it and it broke!
Oh no! But
THEN…
…Okay,
this is the last one. Really. But finally
Isildur
used the broken sword anyway and
cut
off Sauron’s hand. And thus, the dark lord
sniffled
pitiably and wandered off to the land
of
dead, under-appreciated villains and the
vast
army of Men and Elves threw a giant,
rowdy
party that lasted well into the wee hours
of
the morning until most of the participants,
by
this time very inebriated, either went home
with
random people or joined a large group
that
stormed off to have a word with a couple
of other
sentient races about where they were
during
all of this. But after that Isildur took the
Ring
and, being fascinated by its shininess,
kept
it. But the Ring called up a bunch of
mountain
orcs that owed it a favor and pretty
soon
Isildur had been shuffled loose the
mortal
coil.
RING:
Heh. Look how evil I am.
And
so the ring sat unnoticed for two and
a
half thousand years and somehow
everybody
forgot about Sauron and the
Ring
and all that. Apparently the historians
of
Middle-Earth were all too busy doing…
something
else… to write down any history,
even
something as immensely important
as
this (honestly, people, that’s like forgetting
World
War II). Until one day the Ring was
picked
up by Gollum, who took—
PIPPIN: Hehe. “Took.”
(blink)
…uh, brought it deep into the Misty
Mountains,
where it slowly consumed him,
giving
him unnatural long life and this really
cool
manner of speaking, didn’t it,
preciouuusss?
But then one day five hundred
years
later, it was picked up by a hobbit
named
Bilbo Baggins…
GOLLUM: Whyyyy?! Why, my Precious, why?! I loveded
you, Precious, I loveded youuuuu!
…and
thus our story begins.
AUDIENCE: Wait, that was
just the introduction? How long is the actual movie?
MALI: (laughs maniacally)
AUDIENCE: (whimper)
We open on a map.
BILBO’S VOICE: Bagend,
Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, the Shire, Middle-earth, Arda, all of existence…
AUDIENCE: Well, at least we
know where we are.
BILBO’S VOICE: Chapter one:
Concerning Hobbits. Hobbits are very short people. They live in The Shire and
have big, hairy feet, although in the case of the main hobbits in this film that
doesn’t get in the way of their sex appeal. Hobbits concern themselves little
with the outside world, and the outside world concerns itself even less with
hobbits. The only passion most hobbits possess is for food, although they also
like smoking weed and drinking beer. They also have a thing for genealogy. Now
we will go through the family history of every one of the major hobbit families
in the Shire, starting with the Brandybucks. Now, in the old days…
AUDIENCE: The movie started
ten minutes ago and already we feel like we’re being lectured by a particularly
verbose Tolkien scholar.
MALI: You’re right. Quick,
cut before he can talk anymore!
Cut to a peaceful meadow in
which is sitting Frodo Baggins, our hero. Pay no attention to his abnormally
large eyes. Suddenly there is the sound of horse hooves somewhere off around
the back right speaker.
FRODO: Yay!
Frodo bursts out of the
forest just as a cart passes by on the road.
AUDIENCE: Hey, you forgot
your book…
FRODO: You’re late!
GANDALF: Yeah, so?
AUDIENCE: Dude… Magneto?
FRODO: (leaps on him) I
missed you, Gandalf!
SLASHERS IN AUDIENCE: No!
God, no! The horror!
REST OF AUDIENCE: (glare)
Gandalf and Frodo drive off
to Hobbiton. They make some comments about dragons and birthdays for exposition
and drop a chapter title or two for those who already know all this.
NERDS IN AUDIENCE: You’re
not going to win us over with that, movie! You’ve already forgotten to mention
that it’s Frodo’s birthday as well! (brandish copies of the book at the screen)
Ahh, that was never wholly
believable anyway. Stop whining.
FRODO: So, tell me about the
outside world, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Well, it’s a lot
more interesting than the Shire, and hardly anybody even knows of the existence
of mutants. I mean hobbits. (pulls out a map) Here’s a map from outside the
Shire. Notice how where the Shire should be, there’s just a big black hole and
a question mark.
FRODO: But why?
GANDALF: (shrug)
FRODO: Whoops, I just
realized that in my rush to see you, I completely forgot my book. I’d better go
find it! Later, Gandalf!
He runs off. Gandalf drives
off to Bag End.
HOWARD SHORE: Don’t worry,
I’ll put some really kicking choral stuff in here later.
MALI: Indeed.
Gandalf knocks on the door.
BILBO: Go away!
GANDALF: No.
BILBO: Okay. (opens door)
EWAN: Right, daughter, I’ve
got your asshole here…
MALI: (makes another check
mark on her people she recognizes from other films list) This is fun! Whee!
GANDALF: Why, Bilbo, you
haven’t aged a day… much.
They go inside and drink tea
and stuff. Then they go back out and smoke.
BILBO: Man, that’s some
pretty potent weed.
GANDALF: Look at all the
pretty colors…
AUDIENCE: Oh, please…
BILBO: Gandalf, old friend,
this will be a night to remember.
SLASHERS: >_<
Cut to the birthday party.
Frodo entertains the party by doing his chicken impersonation and Bilbo
traumatizes small children with stories out of The Hobbit.
NERDS: If you think you can
buy us with cheap references, you’re sadly mistaken. (continue writing down
minor discrepancies between the movie and book for later complaining purposes)
FRODO: Hey, Sam, why don’t
you go ask Rosie for a dance? (pats him on the shoulder)
SAM: He touched me!
(swoon)
SLASHERS: Something not
involving Gandalf! Hoorah!
A bunch of other stuff
happens and Bilbo gets up to make a speech.
BILBO: Bagginses and
Brandybucks, Gamgees and Tooks, Bolgers and… uh…
MALI: Err, that’s all the
names I can remember. (pulls out Appendix C) Ah, here we go… Grubbs,
Proudfoots, Chubbs, Goolds, Bracegirdles…
BILBO: Yes, yes, we’re all
very proud that you can read. But anyway, if I may continue, today is my 111th
birthday! But I’ve gotta go now, bye!
He disappears, Frodo (and
everyone else) gasps, and the nerds in the audience click their tongues and
shake their heads sadly.
Cut to Bag End.
GANDALF: I just transported
myself up here in no time whatsoever, however it’s completely impossible for me
to do similar later on to say, save myself from any sort of ancient demon or
some such that we may happen to meet on our journey. That is, if we have a
journey. Oh, forget it.
BILBO: Well, I’m off to live
with the Elves. I’m leaving everything to Frodo. Except the ring. It’s… so…
shiny…
GANDALF: Give me that!
(snatches the ring away)
BILBO: Aww, shucks… (grabs
his bag and leaves)
FRODO: (runs in) He left,
didn’t he?
GANDALF: Yep. Here, take the
ring. I gotta go; if have to stoop under this damn low roof for one more second
I’m going to end up with severe back problems.
FRODO: But you just got
here! I was hoping you’d at least stay ‘til tomorrow; I was gonna make
breakfast burritos!
GANDALF: Hmm… well, in that
case…
Cut to the next morning.
GANDALF: Well, those were
some good burritos, my dear Frodo, but I must be off. Don’t tell anyone about
the ring, okay? Keep it secret; keep it safe.
Gandalf leaves. Frodo turns
and has barely taken one step when Gandalf rushes back in and grabs him.
GANDALF: Is it secret?! Is
it safe?!
FRODO: (looks at his watch) That
was 17 years?
Meanwhile, down at the Green
Dragon…
MERRY AND PIPPIN: I’ve been
a wild rover for many a year, and I’ve spent all me money on whiskey and—
Merry and Pippin pass out
drunk.
SAM: (backs slowly away from
Rosie) Why are you staring at me like that? Stop it! (starts crying)
Cut to the kitchen at Bag
End. Gandalf throws the ring into the fire and pulls it out again. He gives it
to Frodo.
FRODO: Gah, it burns, it
burns! (drops the ring)
GANDALF: Do you see
anything?
FRODO: The skin on my hand
is starting to blister!
GANDALF: No, on the ring,
you fool!
FRODO: Yeah, yeah, some sort
of writing… Ohh, I need an ice pack… (whimpers)
GANDALF: It is as I feared…
come with me.
Five minutes later, Frodo is
packed and ready to go.
GANDALF: You must leave the
Shire. Go to the village of Bree, to the inn of the Newt and Cucumber.
AUDIENCE: 0_o
GANDALF: I will meet you
there. Under no circumstances should you put on the Ring. Or, y’know, try to
catch it with only one finger or something stupid like that. Now, let’s see,
have we forgotten anything? Ah, yes.
Gandalf snaps his fingers
and Sam, Merry, and Pippin appear.
FRODO: What are they for?
GANDALF: The high-strung
one’s for slashing and the other two are your comic relief.
PIPPIN: How come I’m the
only hobbit with a different accent?
MALI: Because it’s cute; now
shut up.
Suddenly, the door bursts
open and standing there is…
SAM: A dementor!
MERRY: Death!
PIPPIN: The Ghost of
Christmas Yet to Come!
GANDALF: No, you idiots;
it’s a Ringwraith! Run!
The hobbits make a break for
it. The Ringwraith follows.
RACE
COMMENTATOR: And they’re off! It’s the hobbits in the lead with the Nazgŭl
close behind. I know many of you spectators have your money on the Black Riders
tonight and—look, the lead Nazgŭl has been joined by several of his
companions… this is looking bleak for the hobbits, but WAIT! Merry and Pippin
have pulled into the lead, Frodo is trailing, but no, Sam has fallen to the
back and is almost overtaken by the—no, wait, it seems that the Nazgŭl’s
horses have spotted some tasty grass by the side of the road and are heading
over to check it out and the hobbits are milking the opportunity for all that
they can; look at those little guys run! And the Nazgŭl have regained
control of their valiant steeds and are back on the chase, but the setback has
cost them dearly. But wait—yes!—they’re gaining once again, and it seems that
they’re preparing to—yes, the Nazgŭl have unsheathed their swords! These
particular swords are extremely evil cursed blades made in the fiery depths of
the land of Mordor, and this spells trouble for the halflings! What WILL they do?!
Wait! It seems that Merry has an idea! He’s pulled into the lead and is leaving
the road… where’s that crazy hobbit heading to now? It’s… it’s… I don’t believe
it--they’re heading for Bucklebury Ferry! This is an unexpected play on the
part of the hobbits! But wait… no… NO! Frodo’s fallen far behind and has nearly
been overtaken by the Nazgŭl… he’s heading for the Ferry… ALMOST THERE…
but his friends are pushing off! RUN, FRODO, RUN! The Nazgŭl are nearly on
top of him… he’s going… going… YES! HE’S MADE IT TO THE DOCK AND LEAPED TO THE
FERRY JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! INCREDIBLE! Who’d have thought these four
little halflings capable of outrunning the nine chief servants of the dark lord
Sauron?! In all my years of commentating, I’ve never seen ANYTHING like this!
The Nazgŭl look pretty frustrated and this almost certainly means the end
of this chase. Listen to them screech! I’ll bet all those people who had money
on the Black Riders are pretty disappointed tonight…
Mali
and her occasional-co-writer, FlameRaven, pant heavily, trying to catch their
breath after finishing and reading the commentator’s line out loud in unison.
MALI:
(sighs) That was fun.
FLAMERAVEN:
Okay… yes… now what?
MALI:
(shrugs) Just keep writing bullshit, I suppose.
FLAMERAVEN:
(shamelessly plugs) Go read my fanfics. I need reviews. (cheesy grin)
MALI:
(thwap) I never said you could use this for advertising! Really… tsk, tsk.
FLAMERAVEN:
But I neeeeed reviews! I need them or I will explode! That happens to me
sometimes!
MALI:
(rolls eyes) Back to the fic.
So
the hobbits keep running, skipping a good quarter of the book as they go.
MYSTERIOUS
GUY: (pops out of bushes) Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong di—
FRODO:
(shoves him back into the bush) Out of the way!
MERRY:
(stops in tracks all of a sudden) Hey, didn’t there used to be, like, trees and
barrow-downs and shite back there?
PIPPIN: Keep running!
And
they run and run and run until they arrive at Bree.
Meanwhile,
back in the Shire…
PROCESSION
OF ELVES: A Elbereth Gilthoniel, silivren
penna míriel…
RANDOM ELF: Wouldn’t we
make better time to the Grey Havens if we walked to a slightly more upbeat
song?
The
random elf is smacked repeatedly by the rest of the company.
Bree.
The hobbits enter the Newt and Cucumber. It’s full of people.
RANDOM
PATRON #1: So, did you see the race tonight?
RANDOM
PATRON #2: (scowls) Yeah, I lost everything on those stupid Nazgŭl.
(drowns sorrows in a giant mug of ale)
The
hobbits, breathless, sit down at a table.
SAM:
I can’t believe… (gasp, gasp)… we just cut down… (gasp)… several days’ journey…
(wheeze)… to ten minutes…
PIPPIN:
But at least… (gasp)… we’re safe…
Suddenly,
Frodo disappears.
ALL:
(gasp!)
FRODO:
(takes off the Ring) Heh, sorry, guys… don’t know why I did that… yeah…
There
is high-pitched screeching from far-off.
HOBBITS:
Oh, no, who will save us!
Suddenly
a heroic trumpet fanfare comes from… somewhere… and in jumps…
ARAGORN:
Here I come to save the day!
FRODO:
Who the hell are you?
ARAGORN:
I am a seemingly randomly placed character, but it was less of a coincidence in
the book. Really.
FRODO:
Riiiight…
ARAGORN:
Hey, don’t knock it; I’m keeping the over-20 female demographic interested.
OVER-20
FEMALE NERDS: We take offense at that, you sexy thing, you.
Just
then there is the sound of screaming and horse hooves and ear-splitting
screeching from out on the street.
ARAGORN:
Come on!
They
run. And run some more. Finally, Aragorn decides that they have to do something
to escape the Nazgŭl, so he leads them into the Midgewater marshes.
NAZGUL
#3: Shoot, we can’t bring our horses into that.
WITCHKING:
C’mon, there’s got to be a hovercraft rental place around here somewhere…
The
Nazgŭl
ride off.
Later…
HOBBITS:
Man, this sucks
ARAGORN:
Hey, look what I found! (brandishes stinking carcass)
FRODO:
Where did you find a deer in a swamp?
ARAGORN:
It’s a… um… swamp-deer!
MERRY:
You’re so full of shit, Aragorn.
ARAGORN:
Shut up.
That
night…
ARAGORN:
La la la… singing inaudibly… la la la…
FRODO:
What song is that?
ARAGORN:
It’s a little ditty I like to call “It’s a Bit Late To Stay in the Spirit of
Tolkien Now That the Movie’s Been out for a Year.” It’s about a man who
sacrificed a major part of a classic literary work to the gods of marketable running
time.
Weathertop.
Aragorn wanders off randomly to “look around” and Frodo goes to sleep. A few
hours later, Frodo wakes up to the sound of voices. He blinks blearily and sees
that Pippin, Merry, and Sam have lit a fire and are cheerily cooking burritos.
PIPPIN:
Ah, good morning! I mean evening! Or something!
SAM:
We saved you some burritos, Mr. Frodo! Beef and bean!
MERRY
AND PIPPIN: Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you—
FRODO:
(leaps up) Put it out, you fools! Put it out! (stomps up and down on the
fire)
…………
FRODO:
Owww! My feeeet! Why don’t hobbits wear shoes? Why!
Suddenly,
there is not-so-distant screeching.
FRODO:
No! The smell of the burritos has attracted the dementors!
MERRY:
Ringwraiths!
FRODO:
Right, Ringwraiths!
They
run up to the top of the watchtower, which only takes about two seconds despite
the fact that it took a half hour in the book.
HOBBITS:
We shall defeat our foes with these… little… tiny… pathetic… sword-like…
thingies Aragorn gave us.
NAZGUL:
(teleport themselves magically to the top of the hill) Mwahaha!
FRODO:
(stupidly pulls out the Ring) Hey, look what I got!
NAZGUL:
Hey!
The
Ringwraiths watch as Frodo proceeds to do a quirky little dance routine, all
the while making “nyah nyah” noises.
NAZGUL:
Grrrr.
Their
leader advances on Frodo, who suddenly realizes that taunting a Nazgŭl isn’t such a bright idea after all. He attempts to run away
but trips over his own foot. Frodo bursts into tears. The Nazgŭl stabs him.
FRODO: Ah! My squeedily-spooch!
SAM: Noooooooooo!
Frodo proceeds to make very odd gurgling noises.
His eyes bug out of his head, making them seem even bigger than they already
are. Aragorn just then runs in (cue heroic trumpet fanfare), wielding a sword
and a flaming torch. Aragorn has some kind of magical ability to produce
flaming torches anywhere, anytime.
ARAGORN: Look how valiant I am! (looks studly and
stuff)
FLAMERAVEN: (swoon)
Aragorn lights all the Nazgŭl
on fire, except one, which runs away pathetically. For being some sort of
all-powerful bad guy thing, he sure is a wimp.
SAM: (runs to Frodo’s side) Mr. Frodo, are you
okay?
FRODO: I don’t want to go to school, Mommy. I want
to stay home and bake cookies with you! (gurgle)
ARAGORN: Uh, oh, we’d better get to Rivendell or
he’ll become a wraith and be forced to wear a lot of black robes and screech
and stuff like them.
Frodo’s eyes practically fall out of their sockets
at this news. They’ll be doing that for a while. Get used to it.
ARAGORN: Fortunately for us, we’re somehow only
five minutes away. Let’s go!
They start running, but within thirty seconds
Frodo can go no farther.
ARAGORN: Uh, oh, we’d better find some sort of
medicinal herb that’s not going to help but will… oh, it won’t do anything.
Never mind.
But all of a sudden, in rides…
ARWEN: Marvel at my extremely limited range of
facial expression.
NERDS: Man, Glorfindel is ugly.
MALI: That’s not Glorfindel, that’s Arwen.
NERDS: But… but…
MALI: Oh, you’re right, Arwen’s not even supposed
to be here today.
The director banishes Arwen from the films.
MALI: Bring in Glorfindel!
CAMERAMAN: Call Glorfindel!
CATERER: Call Glorfindel!
SECOND GRIP: Call Glorfindel!
PRODUCER: Call Glorfindel!
COSTUME DESIGNER: Call Glorfindel!
GUY WHO GETS SEAN BEAN COFFEE: Call Glorfindel!
Arwen
disappears and in comes Glorfindel, as played by… Larry Mullen, Jr!
FLAMERAVEN: You just had to have a major U2 reference, didn’t you?
MALI:
(looks self-satisfied) Larry’s pretty and elf-like; it works!
GLORFINDEL:
(glows) Hi, I’m Glorfindel, the original and much cooler, if I do say so
myself, Elven saviour of Frodo. (grins cheesily and picks up Frodo and gets on
his horse with him) Noro lim, Asfaloth!
Glorfindel
and Frodo ride off into the sunset. Well, not as such, but still. Suddenly,
from out of nowhere,
FLAMERAVEN:
Ha ha! Maligna forgot what she was going to write ‘cause she was reading The
Jar, so now I get to write! Yay!
MALI:
Nooo! You fool! I remember now! The Nazgŭl enter out of
nowhere!
FLAMERAVEN: Um…well….okay. But…(whine) But I
wanna write!
MALI: This is my parody, now give me my keyboard
back!
FLAMERAVEN: (whimper) Okay.
So anyhow, as I was saying, the Nazgŭl
ride out of nowhere and before we can write another race commentary (those
things are exhausting), they reach the Ford of Bruinen. Glorfindel and Frodo
ride across but the Nazgŭl halt on the opposite shore.
NAZGUL #2: Err…
NAZGUL #7: (turns to Nazgŭl
#1) How deep would you say the water is, sir?
WITCHKING: Er… I… uh… (sizes up the river)
Probably about 4 inches, give or take a few.
There is a collective gasp from the Black Riders.
NAZGUL #5: We’ve never braved water so deep and
perilous, my lord!
WITCHKING: But the boss will kill us if we don’t
get the halfling.
NAZGUL #3: Uh, we’re already dead, sir.
WITCHKING: Oh, yeah. In that case, it couldn’t
hurt to try. Onward, men! Tally-ho!
The Nazgŭl race across the
river, waving their swords about.
GLORFINDEL: Umm… Achtung, bishounen! Comen el
queso and, uh, tapioca!
MALI: (notices the looks she’s getting) What? I
don’t speak Elvish!
Suddenly there is a rumbling noise somewhere off
in the distance that slowly gets closer.
NAZGUL: Uh oh.
The Nazgŭl are suddenly swept away by a giant
flood of water.
FRODO: (cough, wheeze, hack)
And suddenly everything goes black.
Cut to Rivendell.
FLAMERAVEN:
Hold it!
MALI:
We would like to take this time out for a public service announcement brought
to you by ABC Gum; for the environmentally-aware gum chewer. Save the planet:
reuse your gum.
BOTH:
(cheesy grin)
MALI:
LEGOLAS!
FLAMERAVEN:
ARAGORN!
Cut
to an empty white room a la the loading program from The Matrix. Legolas and
Aragorn enter. They both smile cheesily at the camera.
ARAGORN:
Hello, my name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn.
LEGOLAS:
And I’m Legolas Greenleaf. And we’re here to warn you against the dangers of
cartoon adaptations.
Aragorn
snaps his fingers and a screen appears next to him. Legolas pulls a remote
control out of nowhere.
ARAGORN:
May we present The Lord of the Rings: the 1978 cartoon.
Both
shudder.
LEGOLAS:
(pulls up a picture of himself from the cartoon) In this cartoon, I have a
mullet and constantly wear… pink. Ewww. And half the time, my beloved horse is
pink, too. (switches to a picture of Aragorn)
ARAGORN:
And I look like… well… I…
LEGOLAS:
(pats him on the shoulder) It’s okay, man, we feel your pain.
ARAGORN:
(breaks down crying)
LEGOLAS:
(hugs him) Let’s roll the footage. (presses another button on remote)
Cut
to drug-trip footage of horribly-drawn mushroom-head hobbits set against actual
footage of people standing in for the other patrons of the Prancing Pony.
Cut
back.
BOTH:
Ewww.
LEGOLAS:
And we weren’t even in that shot, but you get the general idea.
ARAGORN:
So be smart; stay away from cartoons from the 70’s. It will only end in tears.
FLAMERAVEN:
Cut!
Cut
back to… wherever FlameRaven and Mali are.
FLAMERAVEN:
(glares at Mali) Okay, I realize the cartoon was horrible, but we REALLY need
to continue with the fic.
MALI:
But we have to save other people from suffering the same fate! What if they,
too, spend their hard-earned money on renting this horrible piece of trash
excuse for a film? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that there are others
out there that know not what peril awaits them!
FLAMERAVEN:
Yes, you could. Besides, it wasn’t that bad. At least it was funny. And
your elf didn’t turn out half as bad as my ranger.
MALI:
(glares) Oh, all right.
FLAMERAVEN:
Besides, all the… er… “important” scenes are coming up.
BOTH:
(laugh evilly)
So
now cut to Rivendell.
FRODO:
(wakes up) Where am I?
GANDALF:
In the House of Elrond.
Frodo
opens his eyes and everything comes into focus. He looks around and standing by
his bed are Gandalf, Elrond, and Sam.
FRODO:
(blinks a few times) I had the strangest dream… you were there, and you, but
not you…
GANDALF:
You’ve been asleep for three days.
FRODO:
Hold it… how’d you get here, Gandalf? Why didn’t you meet us at the Newt
and Cucumber? You promised!
GANDALF:
I’m sorry… I was… delayed.
FRODO:
Delayed?
ELROND:
He had to ask…
SAM:
Here we go…
GANDALF:
(takes a really deep breath)
Well,IwenttoIsengardonthishorseIborrowedfromtheRohirrim,Shadowfax,who’sthefastesthorseinallofMiddle
EarthandgeewillikersIsureamluckybecauseheonlyletsMEridehim,butanywaysoIwenttoIsengardtoseeSaru
manandhesoundslikeaDigimonbuthe’snotandItalkedtohimbutitturnsouthe’sevilandhestuckmeuponthetopof
OrthancandkeptmetherefordaysanddaysanditwascoldandIwashungryandwetandstuffandIwasn’tveryhappy
andworstofallI’mscaredofheightsandtheonlythingIhadtodoalldaywaswatchhimbuildthisarmyofUrukhaithings
anditwasreallyboringbecauseIwassohighIcouldbarelyseeanythingandSarumanwouldcomeupeverydayatte
atimeandlaughatmeanditreallyhurtmyfeelings,y’know,butthenImetthisreallynicemothnamedEarlwhowentan
dgothisbuddythisgianteagleandtheyrescuedmeandIflewawayandhereIam!
(pant, gasp, wheeze)
FRODO:
Okay, never mind, forget I asked…
Cut
scene to the patio. Frodo meets up with Merry and Pippin. They hug and stuff.
AUDIENCE:
Why is this in slow motion? Is there supposed to be some sort of emotional
stock in this scene?
FRODO:
Hey, it’s Bilbo! Hi Bilbo!
BILBO:
Hi.
…
FRODO:
Uh, yeah.
BILBO:
I’m gonna go over… here… now.
Cut
to Elrond’s library-study-porch-thing.
GANDALF:
We can’t ask Frodo to go any further. He’s suffered enough.
ELROND:
But to have come so far still bearing the Ring… the hobbit has shown
extraordinary resilience to its evil…
AUDIENCE:
Whoo! Agent Smith! Whooooo!
ELROND:
And now you tell us that Saruman is a traitor… our list of allies grows thin.
AUDIENCE:
Hee! It’s the SMELL! Hahaha! Woohoo!
ELROND:
Stop that! I’m not Agent Smith! No matter how similar our dialogue might happen
to be right now!
Somewhere
else in Rivendell. Aragorn is sitting around reviewing the script.
BOROMIR:
Aren’t you a little dirty for an elf?
HAN:
Aragorn’s not a elf; he’s a man. Aragorn son of Arathorn. Ranger, one of the
Dunedain, scoundrel. You’d like him.
BOROMIR:
Oh. Well, uh… anyway. Hey, look, it’s Narsil! …Stupid Isildur. Stupid Mordor.
Ai Iluvatar, am I ever stressed. (drops Narsil and wanders off)
Aragorn
walks over and picks up Narsil, placing it back with the other shards.
Something occurs to him and he checks to see exactly what sword he’s been
carrying around all these years. Just then Legolas sneaks up behind him.
LEGOLAS:
BOO!
ARAGORN:
(almost falls over) God dammit, don’t scare me like that!
LEGOLAS:
Good news! The director said I get to replace Arwen because I’m both
canonically in the storyline and actually pretty enough to be Lúthien
reincarnated!
ARAGORN:
Score!
Cut
to the garden that night. Everything’s all romantic and appropriately cliché.
Aragorn and Legolas wander out onto a bridge (which, like all the other bridges
in Middle-Earth, has no railings).
LEGOLAS:
Do you remember the first time we met?
ARAGORN:
Yes. I thought I had strayed into a dream.
LEGOLAS:
Do you remember what I told you?
ARAGORN:
(sighs dreamily) “Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face.”
LEGOLAS:
No, after that. After we took care of the weasels.
ARAGORN:
Oh, yeah. You said you’d bind yourself to me, forsaking the eternal life of
your people.
LEGOLAS:
Yes, because I’d rather spend one lifetime with you than face all of the ages
of this world alone.
SLASHERS:
(sob into their shirts, handkerchiefs, etc.) It’s so touching!
REST
OF AUDIENCE: So they’re like… gay… or something?
SLASHERS:
(glare)
And
so Legolas gives Aragorn his necklace—
LEGOLAS:
I don’t have a necklace.
MALI:
Shut up.
—and
it’s all touching and stuff. And cute. And adorable. And so on and so forth.
Scared yet?
YODA:
You will be. You will be.
Cut
to The Top-Secret Council Meeting™. Seated in a circle are a whole lot of
people, including an entire army of blonde Elves, a few dwarfs, and some other
random people. However, the camera only shows those who will eventually be on
the Fellowship. (sigh) Stupid, stupid humans.
AUDIENCE:
0_o
Right,
sorry. No more ZIM for me.
ELROND:
We are here to decide the fate of the free peoples of Middle-Earth. Wow, that
was pretty official-sounding. Nifty.
AUDIENCE:
Did Agent Smith just say “nifty”?
ELROND:
Frodo, bring forth…
Ominous
trumpet fanfare.
ELROND:
The Ring.
EVERYONE:
(gasp)
Frodo
comes forth and places the ring on a convenient pedestal.
RING:
Thunk.
AUDIENCE:
That’s one heavy ring.
EVERYONE:
(various states of shock and amazement)
BOROMIR:
Ooh! I like it! Can I keep it?
GANDALF:
(leaps up) Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg…
ELVES:
(fall on the floor and roll around in agony)
EVERYONE
ELSE: What’s he saying?
GANDALF:
Nothing, I’m just clearing my throat. Elves are weird like that. Anyway, no,
you can’t have the Ring, you shifty-looking human!
BOROMIR:
But it’s so… shiny. Its shininess is obviously a gift to the opposition of the
Enemy! …A gift from the Enemy, but still… We should use it!
ARAGORN:
(stands up; triumphant fanfare plays) We cannot, for the Ring answers only to
the dark lord himself!
BOROMIR:
And what would a scruffy-looking ranger know of such matters?
LEGOLAS:
(stands up) This is no mere ranger! This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, leader of
the Dunedain of the race Numenor, heir of Isildur, rightful king of Gondor,
also known as Estel, Elessar, Elfstone, fluffy bunny sugar wumfkin, Wingfoot,
Strider, and last but not least… RANGERMAN! (breaks into song) RangerMAN!
RANGERMAN!
ARAGORN:
I don’t think that’s going to work very well.
LEGOLAS:
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na RANGERMAN! RANGERMAN!
While Legolas is singing the theme song, Aragorn tears off his cloak valiantly
and is revealed to be wearing a green Spandex uniform with a big purple “R” on
the front. He strikes a heroic pose as Legolas finishes the theme song.
LEGOLAS:
…RANGERMAAAAAN!
ARAGORN,
ER, RANGERMAN: Quick, Elfboy! To the Rangermobile!
LEGOLAS:
Where are we going?
RANGERMAN:
(shrugs)
LEGOLAS:
Fair enough.
Legolas
in turn rips off his cloak to reveal his own Spandex superhero outfit and they
both go running out of The Top-Secret Council Meeting™, capes flowing behind
them. There is a long and extremely uncomfortable silence.
ELROND:
…Right. Well, anyway, the Ring must be destroyed in the fires of Mount DOOM.
(ominous fanfare)
FRODO:
I’ll take it.
SAM:
And I’ll go too!
BOROMIR:
And me too!
GIMLI:
And me too!
GANDALF:
Yeah, I guess I better come with since I’m the only one in this entire film who
knows what I’m doing.
MERRY
AND PIPPIN: And us too!
PIPPIN:
After all, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest…
thing.
AUDIENCE:
(laughs heartily)
ELROND:
Well, that makes seven, and I’m sending the Spandex brigade with you.
FRODO:
What? Why?
ELROND:
Because they scare me.
And
thus, the Fellowship was formed. The music swells.
PIPPIN:
Where are we going?
One
of the gardens of Imladris.
ARAGORN:
Who in hell let my mum’s grave get so dirty?
ELROND:
Whoops. My bad. I fired our janitor years ago when he buffed the floor of my
bedchamber with lemon-scented polish instead of pine fresh. So anyway, how are
things?
ARAGORN:
Umm, pretty okay, all things considered.
ELROND:
Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
ARAGORN:
Oh, I hate bad news! I really didn’t want to hear any bad news today.
ELROND:
Well, um…
ARAGORN:
Hey, I know! Maybe if you tell me the bad news in a good way, it
won’t sound so bad!
ELROND:
Er… okay… (bursts out laughing) Hah! You know how you’re exiled and all? Haha!
You’ve gotta tough it up and—(laughs so hard he has to lean on the gravestone
for support)—and become king or you’re—hahaha, you’re not going to believe
this!—or you’re not going to be able to get married!
ARAGORN:
(lip begins to quiver)
ELROND:
Don’t cry. We fixed Narsil for you.
ARAGORN:
Like that makes it so much better.
ELROND:
Meh.
The
next day
ELROND:
Good luck. (gives each member of the Fellowship a juice box and a Ziplock bag
full of cookies) You’re all doomed.
PIPPIN:
No, really, where are we going?
Merry
smacks Pippin.
GANDALF:
All right, let’s nance!
They
nance out the gates.
FRODO:
Gandalf, which way is Mordor?
He
notices a road sign that reads MORDOR – 1750 MILES ------>
FRODO:
Oh.
Cut
to uhh… mountains and stuff. They hike up to this very high, rocky place for no
particular reason whatsoever and decide to make camp even though it’s the
middle of the day. Hmm. Just then, from out of nowhere, comes this… thing.
MERRY:
Hey, what’s that?
ARAGORN:
It’s a bird!
SAM:
It’s a plane!
ARAGORN:
No, seriously, it’s a flock of birds.
GIMLI:
It’s just a cloud.
BOROMIR:
But it’s moving fast. Against the wind.
LEGOLAS:
No, it’s not. Look what way my hair is blowing. It’s moving with the
wind.
BOROMIR:
That’s just a continuity error.
LEGOLAS:
Are you insinuating that my hair would lie? Hmph. I use Pantene Pro-V.
With vitamins! (glares)
PIPPIN:
Stop arguing; it’s coming this way! Run!
ALL:
Run away, run away!
Sam
and Frodo dive behind a rock, Aragorn and Legolas leap under a bush, Boromir
hides under his shield, Merry and Pippin dig themselves a hole and hide in it,
Gimli leaps into a random duffle bag, and Gandalf stands really still because
he’s the only one that knows that their vision is based on movement.
BIRDS:
Our vision isn’t based on movement.
Oh
well.
Cut
to Isengard. The birds come back and tell Saruman where the Fellowship is
heading even though they couldn’t see anyone but Gandalf and they weren’t
actually at the moment heading in any particular direction.
SARUMAN:
Bwahahaha. I will bury them in… snow! (laughs evilly)
BIRDS:
(laugh evilly)
ORCS:
(laugh evilly)
URUK-HAI:
(laugh evilly)
ORC
#269: Uh, sir, there’s already snow in the mountains.
SARUMAN:
Eh.
Cut
to the side of a mountain. It’s extremely steep and everyone looks pretty
miserable.
BOROMIR:
(grunt) Stupid… heavy… shield!
FRODO:
Why bother carrying a shield anyway?
BOROMIR:
In case we get attacked and I have to block arrows or something, of course.
PIPPIN:
But we’re the main characters; we can’t die!
BOROMIR:
(looks unsure) I guess… but… I just have a bad feeling about this.
LEGOLAS:
(pats him on the shoulder) It’s okay, Boromir. You have to let it go.
ARAGORN:
Yeah, only wimps carry shields!
BOROMIR:
Oh, all right. (throws it down and it goes sliding down the snowy mountain out
of sight)
Cut
to Caradhras. Gandalf is leading the way through like 5 feet of snow.
BOROMIR:
This sucks.
ARAGORN:
Hey, what happened to the hobbits?
They
all look around and see that Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin have completely
disappeared.
SAM:
Mmmf, nmmffmm!
EVERYONE
ELSE: Sam, is that you?
SAM:
Mmmm fnnm!
EVERYONE
ELSE: What?
SAM:
Mmffn ffnnn mennfff!
LEGOLAS:
Uh, guys, I think they’re buried.
They
set to work digging about in the snow and eventually uncover the hobbits.
GANDALF:
Why didn’t we bring a shovel or something? (keeps trying to dig through the
snow with his stick)
LEGOLAS:
Look what I can do! (dances on top of the snow)
EVERYONE
ELSE: (glare) Shut up, Legolas.
LEGOLAS:
But I—
EVERYONE
ELSE: Shut UP, Legolas.
LEGOLAS:
Do you want me to go fetch the sun?
EVERYONE
ELSE: No!
LEGOLAS:
I have wings.
EVERYONE
ELSE: NO!
LEGOLAS:
Oh, all right. Meanies.
GIMLI:
Why even bother with this? We should go through… MORIA.
Dum
dum duuuummmm.
EVERYONE:
(gasp) No… not… MORIA.
Dum
dum DUUUUUMMMM!
GIMLI:
Hey, it’s better than sitting here being taunted by the Elf.
EVERYONE:
…Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Cut
to… that place… outside of Moria (dum dum dum!). With the lake.
GANDALF:
Ah hah! Here’s the door. (reads the writing above it) “Speak friend and enter.”
Well okay.
SAM:
What’s that mean?
GANDALF:
If you’re a friend, you speak the password and enter, dumbass. (thwacks him
with his stick and turns back to the door) Now if only we knew what the
password was.
ARAGORN:
Open sesame!
The
door doesn’t open.
LEGOLAS:
Monkey meat burritos!
…
PIPPIN:
Merry’s a jerk.
MERRY:
(kicks him)
…
FRODO:
Morons. What’s the Elvish word for friend?
GANDALF:
Mellon.
The doors open.
EVERYONE:
Oh. That would make sense if the punctuation wasn’t wrong.
But
just before they can enter, the Watcher in the Water comes by and grabs
Frodo.
FRODO:
Gah! (sobs) I hate being the main character! Why does everything always have to
happen to me?
ARAGORN:
Don’t worry, little hobbit, I’ll save you!
There
is a heroic fanfare (courtesy Legolas who has brought along his kazoo) and
Aragorn leaps in valiantly to save the day.
EVERYONE:
(sigh) Showoff.
Pretty
soon the Watcher is defeated and they all run into Moria.
SAM:
Wow, it sure is dark in here.
FRODO:
But I can see because I got stabbed by that evil blade thing.
LEGOLAS:
And I can see because I’m an elf!
GANDALF:
And I can see because I have a light.
He
puts a crystal thingy in his staff and it lights up to reveal that the entire
hall is filled with dead, rotting corpses.
EVERYONE:
Ewwww.
LEGOLAS:
(eyes light up) Look at all these arrows! (goes skipping through the
hallway) There must be hundreds of them! (eyes well up with tears) This
must be heaven! (starts picking up random arrows and stuffing them in his
quiver and his boots and down his shirt and every other conceivable place)
After
Legolas has picked up all the arrows he can possibly carry and stowed them
away, they start off through the mines.
NORMAL
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE: What? Why is everyone dead? Why is Gimli so particularly
upset? How come nobody knew about any of this?
NERDS:
You really are just simple creatures, aren’t you?
NORMAL
PEOPLE: Just because we don’t spend our times reading stupid excessively long novels
written by a guy with too much spare time…
NERDS:
You’ll pay for that! (viciously attack)
BOROMIR:
Guys, I don’t think they’re paying any attention.
The
members of the Fellowship stare at each other for a second and then
collectively grin and run off the set.
Cut
to the empty Balin’s tomb set. The Fellowship wanders back in dragging Earl the
cave troll.
GANDALF:
(points to a spot on the floor) Quick, lay down here while they’re not looking.
The
cave troll assumes a sprawling position face-down on the floor. Pippin produces
a bottle of ketchup from nowhere and douses the troll in it to stand in for
blood. Frodo slinks off to a corner and sprawls out on the floor looking
injured. Everyone else assumes a battle stance.
ARAGORN:
(excessively loudly) Gee, I sure am glad we just defeated that GIANT CAVE TROLL
THE ORCS BROUGHT.
AUDIENCE:
(pauses in mid-brawl) Huh? What’d we miss?
LEGOLAS:
Yeah, if it wasn’t for that well-placed arrow, you’d probably all be dead.
SAM:
But wait! Where’s Master Frodo?
They
all look a bit too quickly towards the corner where Frodo is still playing
dead.
SAM:
Oh, no!
GANDALF:
Woe is upon our valiant Company!
LEGOLAS:
Nooo! (faints melodramatically into Aragorn’s arms)
FRODO:
Wait, I’m okay.
EVERYONE:
Oh.
FRODO:
Yeah, I’ve got this mithril coat. See?
BOROMIR:
Yeah, that’s worth more than the entire Shire, but we’re not gonna make a big
deal out of it or anything.
Suddenly
there is a sound from far off.
GANDALF:
Uh oh. More orcs. Better run.
They
all head out another door and run as fast as they can across this giant, vast
hallway that stretches on and on as far as the eye can see.
AUDIENCE:
That’s not a very smart way to build a city, is it? I mean, you’d have to walk
like hours to get wherever you wanted to go and hours to get back every time
you wanted to go anywhere. What if you really urgently had to go to the
bathroom, but the nearest one was all the way on the other side of this hall
thing?
Uhh…
I don’t know. But at least it sets some good atmosphere. So anyway, they run
for a little while and orcs spontaneously appear from the ceiling and floor and
other places from which orcs shouldn’t normally be able to spontaneously
appear. But then, all of a sudden, they stop and all of them run away.
GANDALF:
Uh oh. Balrog. Better run the other way.
EVERYONE
ELSE: (sigh) Choose a direction, old man!
So
they all turn around and start running the other direction and all of a sudden
the bridge of Khazad-Dum is right there.
GIMLI:
(blink) So, why didn’t we just run in this direction in the first place?
LEGOLAS:
(thwaps him) Because if we had we wouldn’t have had that atmosphere-building
introduction to the balrog.
MERRY:
Moron.
GANDALF:
Look, it’s the bridge of Khazad-Dum waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over there.
They’re
there in about thirty seconds.
BALROG:
Boo!
MALI:
(drools)
FLAMERAVEN:
(gives her a look) You drool over the strangest things.
MALI:
Sue me; it looks cool! Even if I am in the no-wings camp.
GANDALF:
I am the wielder of a secret flame and—oh, to hell with it. Half the audience has
no clue what I’m talking about. (shoves the balrog off the cliff)
BALROG:
I’m taking you with me! Muaha!
FRODO:
Noooooooo!
HOWARD
SHORE: Whoo! Time for some of that kick ass choral music!
MERRY
AND PIPPIN: (break down crying)
FRODO:
(sheds a single tear)
LEGOLAS: I’m so confused… what just happened here?
AUDIENCE:
(sniffle) The emotion in this scene is enough to melt even our hardened and
bitter hearts. (sob)
FELLOWSHIP:
Well, we’re over it; let’s go.
They
wander off.
Cut
to further down the mountain. The Fellowship is headed for Lothlórien.
BOROMIR:
See! I told you I needed a shield! Main characters can die!
PIPPIN:
No, they can’t! Gandalf’s not really dead, as will be made apparent by all of
the trailers for the next film, completely spoiling the surprise for those who
had not read the books.
GIMLI:
Yeah, don’t be so high-strung.
BOROMIR:
(looks worried)
Cut to
Lothlórien. The Fellowship enters the
woods.
LEGOLAS:
(clears throat)
MALI:
Nope, sorry, no song for you.
LEGOLAS:
Awww… then what’s to stop them from shooting us?
MALI:
Absolutely nothing. Now keep walking.
LEGOLAS:
(whimpers)
Suddenly,
from out of nowhere, a whole bunch of Elves appear!
HALDIR THE
SNAPE-ELF: The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.
LEGOLAS:
Uh, why does everyone suddenly look like me?
ARAGORN:
(grins suggestively at him)
LEGOLAS:
(thwap)
HALDIR:
Come with us.
They all
go off to Lothlórien where they meet Galadriel
and Celeborn, whose lines are apparently completely interchangeable.
CELEBORN: You guys are all so dead.
GALADRIEL: Shut up, Celeborn.
CELEBORN: Nine were sent out from Rivendell, yet only eight are here.
Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I have greatly desired to speak with him?
ARAGORN: Oh, him? He’s dead.
SAM: Who?
PIPPIN: You know… that guy who used to be traveling with us.
SAM: Oh yeah. That guy.
GALADRIEL: Marvel at my creepiness.
They marvel.
GALADRIEL: Do not let your hearts be troubled, for you are tired and
your hearts are weary from grief and much toil. Go and rest. Tonight, you shall
sleep in peace. (stares off into space, giving us the impression that she’s crazy,
even if she is kind of hot)
Later that day, a bunch of elves are singing a song that’s a vast, vast
improvement over that pathetic excuse for a mourning hymn they had in that
goddamn cartoon.
LEGOLAS: A lament for Gandalf…
BOROMIR: What are they saying?
LEGOLAS: I have not the heart to tell you; for me, the grief is still
too near.
MALI: (high-pitched uber-fangirl voice) Awwwwwww! That’s so cute!
(glomps Legolas)
ARAGORN: Hey, get off my elf!
AUDIENCE: I think my eardrums are bleeding…
Later that night…
GALADRIEL: Come, Frodo, look into the Birdbath of the Future.
FRODO: What will I see?
GALADRIEL: Oh, y’know… stuff.
FRODO: Just… stuff.
GALADRIEL: Yeah, that about sums it up.
FRODO: Right…
Frodo looks into the Birdbath. Clean swipe to same shot.
SUBTITLES: An hour later…
FRODO: (steps away from Birdbath) I saw… is that… ?
GALADRIEL: Yes, it is the rest of the film.
FRODO: So I cannot change it.
GALDRIEL: No.
FRODO: Then I know what I must do.
Cut to the river Anduin.
CELEBORN: Bad news. Saruman’s armies are really tall and can travel by
day. You guys are so dead.
ARAGORN: Gee, thanks for the encouragement.
CELEBORN: Well, here, you can have this knife. Maybe you’ll be able to
take out one more orc before they overwhelm you and rip your still-beating
heart from you chest so as to delight in listening to your screams of
unimaginable torment and agony before you die.
ARAGORN: I don’t like you.
A minute later…
CELEBORN: Here, have some cloaks. They’ll, um, make you look like
rocks. And stuff. If you ever want to look like rocks.
FELLOWSHIP: Score!
The docks.
LEGOLAS: Check it out: Middle-earth-style product placement! (grins
winningly at the camera and holds up a piece of lembas) Lembas: the waybread of
the elves. It fills the stomach of a grown man with just one bite due to the
amazing matter-compression technology developed by Lembas, Inc.’s team of
kidnapped NASA rocket scientists, so you won’t have to carry so much food! In
addition, lembas is small and light and therefore you will use less energy to
carry it and be less hungry when you stop to eat. And it’s got a great flavour
even kids will love! Lembas is part of a well-balanced diet. In fact, it is
a well-balanced diet!
Several unsuspecting elves are magically teleported into the background
to sing the Lembas Jingle.
ELVES: Umm… lembas… you should eat it… it’s food!
Legolas nances off.
MERRY: So… how many did you eat, Pip?
PIPPIN: Piss off; it’s not going to work anymore.
Just then Galadriel shows up.
GALADRIEL: Happy Christmas, everybody! Gather ‘round; it’s gift-giving
time! Merry and Pippin, for you, I have—
Pippin jumps into her arms.
PIPPIN: …And I want a chair made out of cheese, and a table made out of
cheese, and—
GALADRIEL: Here, have some daggers. Can’t go wrong with the gift of
sharp objects. And for you, Sam, I have… um… (looks around) Well, it seems
we’re fresh out of dirt.
SAM: There’s dirt all over the ground.
GALADRIEL: Shut up and have some rope. And Legolas, you get a new bow.
It looks just like your old bow, but it’s not really. And there’s no way you
could possibly shoot better than you did before, but if there was, this would
help you do so. Honest.
LEGOLAS: Yes! (starts crying out of sheer joy) I’m so happy!
GALADRIEL: Gimli, what I was going to give you just won’t work
cinematically, so you can have a dagger, too.
GIMLI: I’ve never used one of these before. Can I swing it around and
hack people apart with it like a lunatic?
GALADRIEL: No, but you can use it to butter bread. Aragorn, would you
believe me if I told you I’m related to Legolas?
ARAGORN: No.
GALADRIEL: Cursed slash. Here, have another bloody dagger. Frodo, I
give you the flashlight of Earendil. May it be a light for you in dark places,
at least until the batteries run out. Namarie.
The Fellowship all hop in the boats. Legolas makes a running jump into
Aragorn’s before Frodo and Sam have the chance to get in.
SAM: What the…?
LEGOLAS: Sorry, you’re riding with the dwarf. (points to Gimli)
FRODO: But none of us knows how to row.
LEGOLAS: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
And so the Fellowship of the Ring set out once again on their grave and
perilous journey.
EVERYONE: 1138 bottles of Ent-draught on the wall, 1138 bottles of Ent-draught…
Cut to three days later. Legolas has fallen asleep in Aragorn’s lap,
Frodo and Sam are doing something (interpret as you will), and the rowers are
looking generally exhausted and miserable.
PIPPIN AND MERRY: …take one down, pass it around, negative 327 bottles
of Ent-draught on the wall!
GIMLI: Oh, shut up. (pulls a microwave burrito out of one of the packs
and chucks it at Pippin’s head)
Clean swipe.
SUBTITLES: 15 minutes later…
PIPPIN: Are we there yet?
ARAGORN: No.
PIPPIN: Are we there yet?
ARAGORN: No.
PIPPIN: Are we there yet?
ARAGORN: No.
The sun sinks into the west and the sky changes from blue to fiery
shades of orange.
PIPPIN: Are we there yet?
ARAGORN: No!
PIPPIN: Are we there yet?
ARAGORN: No!
SAM: Hey, I have to go to the bathroom.
ARAGORN: Sam, we’ve got 45 minutes left of traveling; can’t it wait?
SAM: I really gotta go.
ARAGORN: Grrr…
The shore of the river. The Fellowship are camp. I mean camped. Well…
both.
BOROMIR: What the hell is that?
FRODO: I’m not paying any attention.
ARAGORN: Oh, you mean that enormous four-legged fish?
BOROMIR: Yeah.
ARAGORN: It’s Gollum. He’s been following us since Moria. I’d hoped to
lose him on the river, but he’s too clever a waterman.
BOROMIR: Why don’t you have Legolas just shoot him?
ARAGORN: Umm… shut up.
BOROMIR: Speaking of which, what’s with you and elves, anyway? You were
raised by elves, you seek refuge with elves, you’re even sleeping with an elf!
What’s the problem with humans?
ARAGORN: I… uh… well… they’re dirty.
Boromir runs a finger over Aragorn’s face and holds it up so he can see
it. There’s a thin layer of grime coating it.
ARAGORN; Grrgh. You may be dirty. On me it’s called
rugged and manly.
LEGOLAS: That’s a lie. He’s filthy; I’ve been trying to get him to
bathe for weeks. He’s got dirt in places you wouldn’t believe! Like just
the other day, I—
ARAGORN: Shut up, Legolas!
BOROMIR: Hah! I win!
ARAGORN: Yeah? Well… well… I would not lead the Ring within a hundred
leagues of your city!
BOROMIR: Who said anything about the Ring?
ARAGORN: I hate you.
Aragorn stomps off.
The next day, they row some more.
Cut, at long last, to the final landing.
FELLOWSHIP: Yes!
MALI: No, no, I mean on this leg of the journey. You’ve still
gotta get through Emyn Muil and the Dead Marshes. Not to mention Mordor.
FELLOWSHIP: Aww…
FRODO: (wanders off alone)
LEGOLAS: (to Aragorn) We cannot stay here.
ARAGORN: What, you wanna…? (coughs and gestures to woods)
LEGOLAS: (thwaps him) Really, Aragorn! All you ever think about is sex!
I meant that we’re in mortal danger and you’re worried about your
libido!
ARAGORN: (blink) Your point being…?
LEGOLAS: …I dunno. (drags him off into the forest)
BOROMIR: Hey, I’m going off up the hill to… ah… find firewood! Yeah,
that’s it!
GIMLI AND HOBBITS: Yeah, okay.
Boromir practically runs off. There is a long pause. Gimli and the
hobbits stare at the ground, which, being part of a forest, is covered in dead
wood.
GIMLI: Hey, wait a minute…
Cut to further up the hill. Frodo is sitting on an old stone ruin just
generally looking forlorn.
AUDIENCE: Movie, we aren’t about to start feeling any more sorry for
him than we already do, so can we stop with the moping now?
But look at the poor thing! He has to leave his friends behind to face
almost certain doom in order to bring peace and justice to his land!
AUDIENCE: And we’re supposed to identify with this? Look, we’re
sympathizing as much as we can; stop rubbing it in our faces!
Oh, all right…
BOROMIR: Hey, Frodo! Whatcha doing?
FRODO: Just wallowing in the gaping, putrid void of swirling black
nothingness that is my eternally miserable existence in this living hell they
call life.
BOROMIR: 0_o Right… well… y’know, you don’t need to be this
depressed. There are other ways.
FRODO: I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom but for
the warning in my heart.
BOROMIR: What warning?
FRODO: Never eat soggy waffles.
BOROMIR: (stares at him for a minute) …Oh, c’mon, just lend me
the Ring!
FRODO: No!
BOROMIR: But… but… it should be mine!
FRODO: Finder’s keepers!
BOROMIR: (tackles Frodo)
AUDIENCE: Wow, what an asshole.
Frodo puts on the Ring and this somehow lets him escape.
BOROMIR: (slowly realizes what he’s just done) Oh, no… (begins to cry)
AUDIENCE: (blink) Now we feel sorta bad…
Meanwhile…
FRODO: Yep, this is pretty creepy… (takes off the Ring)
ARAGORN: Boo!
FRODO: Gah! What are you doing all the way out here?
ARAGORN: Oh, I was just… never mind.
FRODO: Yeah, I gotta… go… now… or something.
ARAGORN: All right, I guess.
FRODO: Take care of the others. Especially Sam; he will not understand.
NERDS: Okay, movie, now you’re changing things just to spite us!
Am not!
ARAGORN: I would have gone with you to the end, into the very depths of
Mordor.
Isn’t he valiant? Just then…
FRODO: Uh oh. (looks at Sting, which is glowing blue) It’s—
LEGOLAS: (leaps suddenly into the shot) Orcs!
FRODO: Where’d you come from?!
LEGOLAS: (shrug) The author put me here because she likes the way I say
orc.
MALI: (giggles) Do it again!
LEGOLAS: Orc!
MALI: (emits high-pitched fangirl squealing noise that is either a sign
of extreme pleasure or an impression of a mouse getting run over by a Pepsi
truck)
FRODO: Yeah, I’m just gonna go before Legolas talks again… (runs off)
Suddenly a vast army or Uruk-hai appears from out of the forest! Oh,
no!
LEGOLAS: Whoa, didn’t see that coming.
ARAGORN: Well, you know what this means, right?
LEGOLAS: Right.
The pair valiantly rip off their cloaks and tunics to reveal their
trusty Spandex and toss aside their old, primitive weapons for their top-secret
high-tech plastic lightsaber and Nerf gun, and thus the transformation from
lowly Ranger and Elf to the mighty Rangerman and Elfboy is complete!
ELFBOY: Na na na na—
RANGERMAN: No time for the theme song today, Elfboy, for foul evil is
afoot and the innocent citizens of Middle-Earth are in need of our assistance!
ELFBOY: Oh, all right.
RANGERMAN: Away!
Rangerman and Elfboy leap into action, rushing the Uruk-hai head on.
URUK-HAI: Are you serious? They’re armed with a plastic sword and foam
darts!
Yes, but there are several reasons why they will come out victorious:
1) They are the good guys
2) They
are attractive
3) They
are highly marketable
4) They
are the participants in this series’ obligatory romantic subplot
5) If
Aragorn dies the title Return of the King won’t make much sense
URUK-HAI:
Bugger.
Meanwhile…
FRODO:
Wooooohoooo! I’m running! I’M RUNNING!
PIPPIN:
Hey, Frodo!
MERRY:
Hide over here!
FRODO:
Sorry guys gotta go hate to leave you hanging out here in the middle of nowhere
with a giant army of the enemy’s troops after dragging you away from your homes
and families through no fault of your own but no time to talk now bye!
Pippin and
Merry stare after him.
MERRY:
Well, it’s official. We’ve journeyed for weeks and weeks and hundreds of miles
and now that it’s all over we still have not yet been of any use to any of our
friends. I feel like shite.
Long
silence.
PIPPIN:
Wanna go back to the Shire and play Parcheesi?
MERRY:
Yeah, all right.
Cut back
to Rangerman and Elfboy. They’re surrounded by a massive field full of dead
Uruk-hai.
RANGERMAN:
Wow, who knew you could do that much damage with foam projectiles?
ELFBOY:
Well, that was some pretty impressive work with that lightsaber, too,
especially when you consider how the blade kept collapsing back into the hilt.
Cut to the
lakeshore. Frodo stands at the edge of the water, holding the ring and angsting
like nobody’s business. Cue Breaking of the Fellowship.
HOWARD
SHORE: (throws fists in the air) I am the god of cinematic score!
JOHN
WILLIAMS: (throws a burrito at Howard Shore) That’s what you think, punk.
Frodo
suddenly gets a look of new resolve in his oh-so-abnormally-large eyes and
quickly pushes off in a boat.
FRODO:
IIIII’m sailing awaaaayyy—
A burrito
flies out of nowhere and hits Frodo in the head before he can continue with the
song. Sam comes running out of the woods.
SAM: Hold
on, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: No,
Sam, I’m going to Mordor alone.
SAM: Of
course, and I’m going with you!
FRODO:
Sam, you can’t swim!
Sam
continues wading into the water anyhow, and just as he looks as though he’s
about to drown, Frodo saves him. He pulls him into the boat.
FRODO:
Sam…
SAM: I
made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A PROMISE. Don’t you leave him, Samwise Gamgee. And
I don’t mean to, Mr. Frodo. I don’t mean to.
FRODO:
(declines from asking whether Sam always refers to himself in the second
person) Oh, Sam…
They hug.
The slashers grin and waggle their eyebrows at the normal people in their
immediate vicinity.
NORMAL
PEOPLE: (fume) They’re just good friends, all right?
SLASHERS:
Suuuure they are.
NORMAL
PEOPLE: I hate you all.
SLASHERS:
You know you love it.
Cut to
back up the hill. Merry and Pippin are headed for, presumably, the Shire, but
their plans are cut short when the rest of the Uruk-hai burst through the trees.
LURTZ: Get
the halflings!
URUK-HAI
TROOP #147: Uh, why?
LURTZ:
Because Saruman ordered us to but all his scenes were cut.
MERRY AND
PIPPIN: Uh oh.
Suddenly
Boromir shows up and starts slicing up Uruk-hai left and right.
BOROMIR: I
shall blow this horn and it shall magically defeat our foes!
He does so
and just then an arrow strikes him in the chest.
BOROMIR:
…Or not. (collapses to his knees)
The
Uruk-hai advance, but Boromir gets back up and keeps hacking away at them
valiantly. Just then he’s hit with a second arrow. In the same place as the
first. The first has somehow moved down to his stomach.
AUDIENCE:
0_o
And then a
third arrow, but the other two stay in the same spot.
SMART-ASS
IN AUDIENCE: Or maybe that one hit where the second one was and the
second one moved down to where the first had and the one in the new spot is the
first!
Shut up.
MERRY AND
PIPPIN: Nooooo!
The two
hobbits charge at the Uruk-hai, waving their tiny swords about pathetically,
and are, thanks to the magic of extended DVDs, not immediately captured alive.
Instead, they get to take some Uruk-hai out with them. Yes! Unfortunately, they
are still eventually captured and taken away. Lurtz then marches up to Boromir,
who is swiftly losing blood and has sunk to his knees, unable to fight back. He
draws an arrow and aims it at his head.
LURTZ:
Grr. Be intimidated. Grrrr.
Just then
there is a heroic fanfare and Rangerman and Elfboy burst into the clearing.
RANGERMAN:
Haha! It appears that we have arrived just in time to thwart this foul
evildoer, Elfboy!
ELFBOY: ai Iluvatar! (runs up to Lurtz,
knocking the bow and arrow out of his hands in the process)
LURTZ:
What the—?
ELFBOY:
Would you look at your hair! (grabs a handful and begins to fuss with
it) This is awful! It’s full of leaves and dirt and—oh, I don’t even want to think
about what that is! What sort of shampoo have you been using?
LURTZ:
(looks completely bewildered) Shampoo?
ELFBOY: Elbereth, do you see these split ends? (gives him a disapproving look) You really need to take care of this. You should get some heavy-duty shampoo and a conditioner with moisturizers. In fact, I’m going to set you up an appointment with my stylist, Ricardo. He’ll take this… embarrassment… and fix it right up. Look at this, your hair is so thick and long… it’s a shame you don’t take better care of it. (clicks tongue and shakes his head sadly)
LURTZ: But
I—
ELFBOY: No
buts! (pulls some shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one out of nowhere) Now, I carry
this with me in case of an emergency, and I think this qualifies. I want you to
go down the lake right now and try and wash out as much of that grime as you
can. Rinse and repeat. Then go on home and I’ll call you as soon as I set you
up with Ricardo. (shoves the shampoo into his hands)
LURTZ: No,
wait, you don’t—
ELFBOY:
Go!
Elfboy
turns him around and gives him a nudge forward. Lurtz stares at the shampoo,
then looks back at Elfboy, and then, muttering under his breath, stomps off
down to the lake.
RANGERMAN:
Good job, Elfboy!
ELFBOY:
Why, thank you.
RANGERMAN:
Well, I guess that does it for the Uruk-hai. Our work here is done.
Rangerman
and Elfboy quickly throw their tunics and cloaks back on and are once again
Aragorn and Legolas.
BOROMIR:
Hello… dying…
ARAGORN:
Oh, yeah. Guess we better make this touching.
He kneels
down next to him.
ARAGORN:
You fought bravely.
BOROMIR:
They took the little ones.
ARAGORN:
Oh, good, a plot for The Two Towers.
BOROMIR:
Why does my arm keep changing positions?
ARAGORN:
Don’t worry about it.
BOROMIR:
Where is Frodo?
ARAGORN: I
let him go.
BOROMIR:
Than you did what I could not. And now I’ll never be able to single-handedly
save Minas Tirith. Woe is me!
ARAGORN: I
swear to you, I will not let the White City fall.
BOROMIR:
If only… I’d… had… a shield!
Boromir dies.
Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli put him and his stuff in a boat and send it over
the waterfall.
GIMLI:
Well, I guess that’s it for us.
ARAGORN:
Not as long as there’s bad guys left for us to hack up! Let’s go rescue Merry
and Pippin.
LEGOLAS:
Yeah, that should fill up a few days’ worth of plot.
ARAGORN:
Take only what you need. We travel light and armed to the teeth.
Aragorn
picks up several swords, daggers, and other implements of sharpness.
ARAGORN:
Let’s hunt some orc.
LEGOLAS:
Orc!
MALI: Hee!
GIMLI: Yes!
Cut to the
top of a ridge overlooking Emyn Muil, the Dead Marshes, and, finally, Mordor.
Frodo and Sam look out across the barren landscape.
FRODO: I
don’t suppose we’ll ever see any of them again.
SAM: We
may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.
FRODO: If
you use that “Blah blahdy blah, Mr. Frodo. Blah blahdy blah” sentence pattern
one more time, I’m going to thwap you.
SAM:
Sorry…
FRODO:
(turns to him and smiles) But I’m glad you’re with me anyway.
SLASHERS:
Awwww…
NORMAL
PEOPLE: Stop doing that!
Fade out.
COMMENTATOR: WILL Frodo and Sam reach Mordor? WHY are Legolas and Aragorn superheroes? WHERE was Gimli during the final battle? The answers to these questions and more in Parody of the Rings Episode II, coming next year to a computer near you!