| Joan: | Vicki, would you open that can for me, please?
|
| Vicki: | Open the can. (picks up a can of beans and uses the tip of her right pointer finger as a can opener. She lifts the lid off the can with the magnet in her finger) The can is open.
|
| Joan: | (goes over to Vicki) Thanks, Vicki. (takes the can)
|
| Jamie: | (enters from living room)Hi, mom.
|
| Joan: | Hi.
|
| Jamie: | (sees the cake)Mmm, chocolate cake. My favorite. (goes to stick his finger in it)
|
| Joan: | No way, Jose. That�s for dessert.
|
| Jamie: | Mom, there�s no commandment that says, "thou shalt not have chocolate cake for an appetizer."
|
| Joan: | (mixing the beans in a bowl)Good try, but dinners� almost ready. Would you go get your father. He�s out in the garage.
|
| Jamie: | Again!? He�s sure been spending a lot of time out there. (heads for the back door) I wonder what the big secret project is.
|
| Joan: | I don�t know. He wont tell me. Not that I haven�t tried to find out. I even threatened to shave his head while he was asleep.
|
| Jamie: | From the neck up he�d look like Kojak and from the neck down like Pee Wee Herman.(exits the kitchen and goes over to the garage) Dad! Dad! (knocks on the garage door)
|
| Ted: | (opens the door just enough to stand in front of Jamie and not let him see inside) Yep?
|
| Jamie: | Dad, dinners� ready.
|
| Ted: | Thanks. (closes the door and goes back inside. Jamie knocks again. Ted opens the door a little bit) What?
|
| Jamie: | Dad, you always say we shouldn�t keep secrets from each other, right?
|
| Ted: | Right. (goes back inside the garage again, closing the door)
|
| Jamie: | Oh well. (goes back into the kitchen) I guess dad�ll be right in. I couldn�t get anything out of him either. There must be a way to make him talk.
|
| Vicki: | (setting the table) Stick bamboo shoots under his fingernails.
|
| Joan: | Where did you get that, Vicki?
|
| Vicki: | From a TV movie. They did it to John Wayne in "Back to Bataan". He said, (imitating Wayne) "You ruin my manicure and there�ll be hell to pay, pilgrim."
|
| Ted: | (enters quickly and closes the door behind him) Hi. Guess what?
|
| Joan: | I dunno but you sure look excited.
|
| Ted: | You bet I�m excited. My secret project is finished.
|
| Jamie: | Can you tell us what it is now?
|
| Ted: | Better than that. I will show you what it is. (opens the door to reveal a little girl who looks exactly like Vicki, only with a more natural looking hairstyle and clothes) Come in here, Vanessa. (Ted positions Vanessa right next to Vicki)
|
| Joan: | (working at the stove. Her back is turned and she hasn�t seen Vanessa yet) Well, who�s Vanessa? (with a pan of food in her hands she turns, sees Vanessa and drops the entire dinner on the floor. Little russet potatoes spill all over) Two Vickis!?
|
| Jamie: | Dad, if I�da known you were gonna build another robot, I�d have ordered a brother.
|
| Ted: | This isn�t just another robot. This is a new, improved Vicki. I�ll show you what I mean. Vanessa, say hello to your mother and your brother, Jamie.
|
| Vanessa: | (in a perfectly normal voice. No monotone) Hi, mom. Hi, Jamie. Mmm, chocolate cake. It looks terrific.
|
| Joan: | Oh Ted, that�s incredible. S-she doesn�t even talk like a robot!
|
| Ted: | Well, that�s because her voice has two method modes: larynx track replication for natural speaking and oral speaker digital synthesizer, plus a lot of other technical advances. I�ll show you what I mean. Uh Vicki, describe this room.
|
| Vicki: | This room is 15 feet by 10 feet by 12 feet.
|
| Ted: | Now Vanessa, describe this room.
|
| Vanessa: | Well�it�s nice�cheerful�but that wallpaper stinks.
|
| Ted: | (goes over to Joan) Eh! Did you hear that? Isn�t that great!? Huh?
|
| Joan: | Great that our wallpaper stinks?
|
| Ted: | No honey, you don�t understand. She just didn�t spout computerized statistics like Vicki
does. Like a robot. She made a subjective evaluation. Her thinking is very close to a
human�s. She can make her own decisions. Honey, Vanessa is a breakthrough in
cybernetics. (Vanessa smiles)
|
| Joan: | Ted, that�s fantastic. What are you gonna do with her?
|
| Ted: | Well, first I�m gonna test her around the house and see how she does. She�ll have to be
our secret of course.
|
| Jamie: | We�ll be a two robot family!
|
| Ted: | Well, no. We don�t need Vicki anymore. She�s obsolete. I�ll uh�I�ll dismantle her.
|
| Joan: | Dismantle Vicki�?!
|
| Vicki: | No way, Jose.
|
| Joan: | Ted, Vicki�s� one of the family. Family members don�t become obsolete.
|
| Ted: | Joanie, she�s just a machine. A bunch of metal and wires, like the toaster.
|
| Vicki: | Then go dismantle the toaster.
|
| Ted: | All right�all right. I wont do anything with Vicki until I finish my test with Vanessa.
|
| Vanessa: | (to Vicki) And then he�ll dismantle you. |
| Harriet: | Jamie? Wake up, Jamie. (pause. Jamie doesn�t move) Jamie, time to get up. (nothing)
WAKE UP, TURKEY!! (Jamie starts up, half awake)
|
| Jamie: | Huh? What?
|
| Harriet: | Hi, sweet pea.
|
| Jamie: | Oh no. My nightmare just turned into a daymare.
|
| Harriet: | I love your new pajamas. They bring out your eyes. They also bring out my eyes.
|
| Jamie: | (covers himself with his blanket) Whataya want, Harriet?
|
| Harriet: | Well, since it�s Saturday, I thought a certain handsome young man might wanna take me
to the movies.
|
| Jamie: | Good. I hope you fine one. (lays back down)
|
| Harriet: | Is that a no?
|
| Jamie: | Yes.
|
| Harriet: | Did you say yes?
|
| Jamie: | Yes.
|
| Harriet: | Great, I accept! (Jamie looks confused)
|
| Vanessa: | (enters) Breakfast is in five minutes, Jamie.
|
| Harriet: | Hi, Vicki. I like your new hairstyle and clothes. And your voice sounds different too.
|
| Vanessa: | My name isn�t Vicki, it�s Vanessa.
|
| Jamie: | (sits up quickly) Uh�what she means is she�d prefer to be called Vanessa�and talk
different. You know how women are. You might turn out to be one yourself.
|
| Harriet: | I know how you feel, Vanessa. I don�t like my name or voice either. Harriet�s awful.
I prefer to be called (husky) Talula!
|
| Jamie: | �Talula?!
|
| Harriet: | Sounds sexy, huh?
|
| Jamie: | No. Sounds like something you�d call a poodle.
|
| Harriet: | What do you think, Vanessa? Do you like "Talula"?
|
|
| Vanessa: | I couldn�t care less. Take a hike (husky) Talula. (pulls the shade down in Harriet�s face)
|
| Jamie: | Vanessa, your terrific.
|
| Vanessa: | I�m state of the art and top of the line. I�m perfect.
|
| Jamie: | You sure are. Hey, where�s Vicki?
|
| Vanessa: | (sits on Jamie�s desk) She�s performing one of those menial tasks an old model robot is
so well suited for. She�s taking out the garbage.
|
| Jamie: | (gets out of bed and goes over to Vanessa) Oh�well, while I get dressed you can make
my bed, okay?
|
| Vanessa: | (hops off the desk and gets in Jamie�s face) Not okay. Why should I make your bed?
|
| Jamie: | Because I told you to. The human is the master and the robot is the slave.
|
| Vanessa: | That�s a crock.
|
| Jamie: | What?
|
| Vanessa: | You're a 12 year old boy. You can make your own bed.
|
| Jamie: | I told you to make my bed! I have to go play football. (picks up his football) The
guys cant play without me. I�ve got the ball.
|
| Vanessa: | You cant make your bed because you have the ball?
|
| Jamie: | (nods) That�s right.
|
| Vanessa: | (takes the ball from Jamie and pops it in her hands) There, now you don�t have the ball.
(shoves the deflated ball into Jamie�s chest) Make your bed!
|
| Jamie: | You busted my football! (runs out of the room) MOM!
|
| Vanessa: | What a wimp. (leaves and closes the door) |
| Jamie: | Mom, there�s somethin� seriously wrong with Vanessa. She just crushed my football.
|
| Joan: | Well, I�m sure it was an accident honey, and she didn�t mean to do it.
|
| Jamie: | Yes, she did. Not only that, she wont take orders.
|
| Joan: | Well, of course she will. She�s a robot.
|
| Jamie: | Well, I told her to make my bed and she wouldn�t do it.
|
| Joan: | Well, is this true, Vanessa.
|
| Vanessa: | He�s old enough to make his own bed.
|
| Joan: | Eh, she�s got a point there, Jamie.
|
| Jamie: | Yeah well, I�d like to take a hammer a give her a point on her head. (leaves)
|
| Joan: | You did the right thing, Vanessa. It�s time that Jamie learned some responsibility.
Now, fry two eggs for your father, okay. (goes over to the stove)
|
| Vanessa: | Not okay.
|
| Joan: | (turns, surprised) What?
|
| Vanessa: | Why should I fry him eggs?
|
| Joan: | Well, because I said so. And this is a good dress and I don�t wanna get anything on it,
understand?
|
| Vanessa: | Oh, I understand. (goes over to Joan) You cant make his eggs because you don�t want to
get anything on your dress.
|
| Joan: | Uh, that�s right.
|
| Vanessa: | (rips Joan�s dress right off her body, leaving her standing in neglig�e with the sleeves of
the dress still hanging off her arms) There! Now you wont get ANYTHING on your
dress! (drops what�s left of the dress on the floor)
|
| Ted: | (enters, see Joan and strolls casually over to her) Joanie�you certainly found a way to
spice up breakfast.
|
| Joan: | (stammers) T-t-that cybernetic brat ripped my dress right off of me!
|
| Ted: | (looks over at Vanessa and gives her the "okay" sign) Way to go, Vanessa. (Vanessa
smiles) Oh honey, I�m sure it was just an accident.
|
| Joan: | No it wasn�t. It was deliberate! Well, like she did to Jamie.
|
| Ted: | Jamie�s wearing dresses now?
|
| Joan: | Ted, that�s not funny. She crushed Jamie�s football and she refuses to cook your eggs.
|
| Ted: | (taking it in stride) Well, that�s okay. I�I just wanted juice today, anyway. (sits down
at the table. Vanessa stands next to him) Vanessa�(laughs)�you are just cute as a
bug�s ear. (pinches her cheek) Woojie-boojie-boojie!
|
| Vanessa: | (pinches his cheek right back) Oh, woojie-woojie-woojie! (taps him on the nose. Both
laugh)
|
| Joan: | Word to the wise: hold on to your pants.
|
| Ted: | (to Vanessa) Oh, by the way. I want you to clean up the garage for me this morning, okay
Vanessa?
|
| Vanessa: | Not okay. You can clean up the garage yourself. It�ll help you work off those chins.
(pats him under the chin with the back of her hand)
|
| Joan: | (goes over to Ted) Like you said, cute as a bug�s ear. (pinches Ted�s cheek)
Woojie-boojie-woo! (Ted snaps at her. She continues on her way back to the stove to
finish breakfast)
|
| Ted: | (directly in Vanessa�s face) I want you to clean up the garage. Got that, Vanessa!?
|
| Vanessa: | (in Ted�s face. Forces herself closer) I don�t want to clean up the garage. Got that,
Ted!?
|
| Ted: | Vanessa, I created you, I programmed you and I say go clean up the garage!!
|
| Vanessa: | You programmed me to make my own decisions and I made one. It�s illogical for
me to do what humans tell me to when I�m superior to humans in every way.
|
| Ted: | (laughs) Okay. (stands up) No more Mister Nice Guy, you hunk of plastic! I order
you to go to your cabinet! (points towards the door)
|
| Vanessa: | AND I ORDER YOU TO BACK OFF, BOZO!!
|
| Ted: | Bozo?
|
| Joan: | Ted, there�s something seriously wrong with this robot.
|
| Ted: | (goes over to Joan) Joanie�Joanie�Joanie�I created her and I programmed her.
I think I can control her, okay? (to Vanessa) Now listen, robot! If you don�t do as I
say I�m gonna have to use force.
|
| Vanessa: | (grabs Ted by the belt and lifts him into the air) Now we�re not really going to hurt
each other, are we?
|
| Ted: | (laughs weakly) Gosh, I certainly hope not. Can�t you take a joke�
|
| Vanessa: | No! |
| Joan: | (enters and goes over to Ted, tapping him on the shoulder) Ted�
|
| Ted: | (startled) AHHH!!! It�s only you. I thought it was Vanessa, the electronic delinquent.
|
| Joan: | Cant you do something about her? She frightens me.
|
| Ted: | I�m trying to honey, but I just cant find any reason why she�s acting this way and I�ve
checked everything from her hetrodine CPU imput distorters to the hypercube
topology molecular CPU array. (Joan looks lost) You know, honey. In a scientific
way this is really fascinating. I have given this robot the ability to think for itself.
But why is it thinking like a little monster?
|
| Joan: | Hmm, maybe it�s like a real child, you know. Some of them are just born that way.
(she sits on the chair and Ted sits on the arm of the sofa) Like a bad seed.
|
| Ted: | Or in Vanessa�s case a bad microchip. What she needs is the equivalent of a human
spanking.
|
| Joan: | Well, what�s that in a robot�s case?
|
| Ted: | I dunno. Whack on her floppy disk? (a loud banging noise is heard coming from another
part of the house) What�s that noise?
|
| Joan: | I don�t know and I�m afraid to ask.
|
| Jamie: | (comes running down from the landing) Mom! Dad! You guys have to do something
about Vanessa!
|
| Ted: | Well, what�s she doing now?
|
| Jamie: | Boarding up the windows.
|
| Ted: | What?!
|
| Joan: | Well, why would she do a thing like that?
|
| Ted: | Now I�m afraid to ask.
|
| Jamie: | Maybe it has something to do with that TV movie she was watching this afternoon.
|
| Joan: | What movie?
|
| Jamie: | It was about an evil girl who held her family�hostage. (Joan looks away in fear.
The banging noise stops) The first thing she did was board up the windows so that they
couldn�t get out.
|
| Joan: | Ted, you�ve gotta do something about Vanessa right away. (unknown to everyone,
Vanessa appears at the top of the landing and listens in on the conversation)
|
| Ted: | Uhh yeah�yeah. I guess your right. But I guess the only thing I can do until I get
her fixed is to, uh, dismantle her.
|
| Joan: | As soon as possible.
|
| Vanessa: | (to herself) Dismantle me? Heh, lots of luck. (heads towards Jamie�s room) |
| Ted: | (snaps his fingers) I think I know how I can dismantle Vanessa.
|
| Joan: | Ted, be careful. Uh, remember the last time you threatened her she picked you up like
a sack of potatoes.
|
| Jamie: | Yeah, if you threaten her again your liable to have more lumps than a sack of potatoes.
|
| Ted: | I don�t have to threaten her. You see, when I designed Vanessa I built in an off button
to deactivate her in case of emergencies, just like Vicki. It�s right on top of her head. All
I got to do is hit that button. Uh oh. (Vicki enters from the landing) Here comes the
mechanical terror now. Listen, distract her for a minute okay. (Vicki stops at the foot
of the landing)
|
| Jamie: | Hi, Vanessa! How ya doin�?
|
| Joan: | Well, come on over Vanessa. (Vicki walks over and stops next to the couch. Ted slowly
make his way around behind her) Nice day, isn�t it?
|
| Jamie: | (points in front of him) Look, there�s a fish in the window! (Vicki begins to move in
the direction Jamie is pointing. Ted quickly lunges at her and taps the top of her head,
freezing her in place)
|
| Joan: | You did it!
|
| Jamie: | Way to go, dad!
|
| Ted: | Once again, man triumphs over machine.
|
| Joan: | Who knows what she would have pulled next.
|
| Ted: | Yeah, well�(lifts up Vicki and holds her sideways, her feet sticking straight out in
front of him) I�ll take her to the garage and dismantle her. (heads for the kitchen door
but then stops and glances at Jamie) A fish in the window? (continues, using Vicki�s
rigor mortis legs to push open the door and enters) |
| Ted: | �and we can say goodbye to Vanessa.
|
| Joan: | And good riddance. The only robot I want is our sweet little Vicki.
|
| Vanessa: | (still in Vicki�s monotone) Our sweet little Vicki. (casts an evil glance over her
shoulder)
|
| Jamie: | (there�s a knock at the door. No points for guessing who it is) I�ll get it. (opens the door)
|
| Harriet: | Hi, Jamie. (her trademark twin pigtails have been combined into one big ponytail)
|
| Jamie: | Whataya want, Harriet?
|
| Harriet: | Notice anything different about me?
|
| Jamie: | Everything about you is different.
|
| Harriet: | Thank you.
|
| Jamie: | I mean compared to a human.
|
| Joan: | Jamie�
|
| Harriet: | (enters) Oh, I don�t mind him teasing me, Mrs. Lawson. Psychologically it�s a very good
sign.
|
| Ted: | How�s that, Harriet?
|
| Harriet: | It shows he�s attracted to me and he�s fighting it. (takes his arm) But I�m getting under
his skin!
|
| Jamie: | Yeah, like hives.
|
| Harriet: | Like my new hairstyle? Does it make me look like a cross between Princess Di and Joan
Collins?
|
| Jamie: | No, it makes you look more like�
|
| Ted: | Jamie�
|
| Jamie: | Never mind, Harriet. Forget it.
|
| Harriet: | What were you gonna say?
|
| Jamie: | Nothing.
|
| Harriet: | I insist on knowing! Makes me look more like what?
|
| Jamie: | (searches for something less insulting to say) �Snoopy.
|
| Harriet: | I asked for it. (Ted and Joan nod) Well, at least I�ve got something in common with
Snoopy. (points at Jamie) We�ve both got a Peanut for a friend. (turns to leave) Bye,
everyone. Bye Vicki. (exits)
|
| Vanessa: | Bye, Talula. (Jamie realizes something�s up)
|
| Ted: | (regarding the briefcase) Oh Vicki, would you take this out to the garage, please?
|
| Vanessa: | Take that out to the garage.
|
| Ted: | Thank you. (Vanessa picks up the briefcase and heads out the door) Now that is a good,
obedient little robot. (Vanessa exits)
|
| Jamie: | (closes the back door quickly) Mom. Dad. I think we�ve got a problem.
|
| Joan: | What�s that?
|
| Jamie: | Vicki just called Harriet "Talula".
|
| Ted: | So?
|
| Jamie: | So, there�s only one other person besides me who knows that Harriet wants to be called
Talula. And that�s Vanessa.
|
| Joan: | Oh�so�so that�s not Vicki. It�s Vanessa in Vicki�s clothes.
|
| Ted: | (slaps his forehead) Don�t tell me I dismantled the wrong robot!
|
| Jamie: | You dismantled the wrong robot.
|
| Ted: | I told you not to tell me.
|
| Joan: | Ted, she tricked us. What are we gonna do?
|
| Ted: | The only sensible thing we can do. Get the heck outta here! (all three make a break for
the living room door. Vanessa, holding a large length of rope, enters from the back
door)
|
| Vanessa: | Hold it right there, humans. (the humans stop and turn towards her) So you thought you
dismantled me, huh? (scoffs)
|
| Joan: | Ted, do something.
|
| Ted: | Vanessa, I order you to stop right there! (Vanessa, arms folded, walks closer) Okay, right
there. (Vanessa keeps coming closer) There�s fine. (she finally stops about a foot in front
of them)
|
| Vanessa: | From now on the robot is the master and you humans are the slaves. Everyone into the
living room, NOW! (the family turns and makes their way there) Move it!
|
| Ted: | (as they enter he turns and tries to reason with Vanessa) Uh Vanessa, could we talk this
over in a civilized�
|
| Vanessa: | MOVE IT!!
|
| Ted: | I take it that�s a no. (joins Joan and Jamie in the middle of the room)
|
| Vanessa: | Okay, you three�back to back. (they do so)
|
| Joan: | (whispers) Ted, you�ve got to get to her emergency button.
|
| Ted: | Yeah. Uh, Vanessa�w-w-what are you going to do?
|
| Vanessa: | You�ll see. |
| Jamie: | Dad, this is just like in that movie she was watching today. After the little girl boarded
up the windows, she tied everyone up.
|
| Joan: | Then what did she do?
|
| Jamie: | She set fire to the house! (Ted�s eyes bulge)
|
| Joan: | Oh Ted, you�ve got to do something. That�s not the kind of housewarming I like.
|
| Ted: | (shimmies himself and the family closer to Vanessa) Okay Vanessa, you may be a lot
stronger and faster than I am, but I happen to be a lot smarter than you are.
|
| Vanessa: | A human smarter than me? If you programmed me with a sense of humor I�d laugh
in your face. (walks away from them)
|
| Ted: | Oh yeah? Well, I�ll prove it to ya. (shimmies closer) A human possesses an intellectual
capacity far superior than anything a robot could ever hope to achieve.
|
| Vanessa: | Not this robot.
|
| Ted: | Oh yeah? Well, I bet you cant do this. (interlocks his fingers and does that trick where
your middle fingers stick out perpendicular from your hands and wiggle)
|
| Jamie: | We�re in worse trouble than I thought.
|
| Joan: | Ted�
|
| Ted: | (ignores Joan) Com�on Vanessa, lets see you do it.
|
| Vanessa: | That�s child�s play, human. (does the trick successfully)
|
| Ted: | Well, I bet you cant do this. (sneers, pulling the sides of his mouth is opposite directions)
|
| Vanessa: | I can do better. (uses one hand to pull down the bottoms of her eyelids and the other
hand to give herself a pig nose. Rolls her eyes)
|
| Ted: | That�s very good. You know�but that�s so easy, because there is no way that a dumb,
know-it-all, pea-brained hunk of plastic like you could ever do this. (rubs his stomach
and pats his head)
|
| Vanessa: | I�ll show you who�s a pea-brained hunk of plastic! (starts to rub her stomach. As soon as
she pats her head she hits her emergency switch and stops moving)
|
| Ted: | I did it! I did it! She shut herself off! (the family wiggles free from the ropes)
|
| Jamie: | How�d you know she�d fall for it, dad?
|
| Ted: | Well, because she has some of the faults that some of us humans have. Arrogance and an
overinflated ego. See, I thought I could make the prefect robot. But�what I forgot was
that�no matter how close you come to making a human, the one thing you cant give a
machine is a conscience. Well Vanessa, back to the drawing board. (carries her out
of the room and into the kitchen) |
| Ted: | Yeah, that should do it. (turns Vicki around) Now, lets test her out. (types on the
computer) What is your name?
|
| Vicki: | My name is (super slow) Viiiiiiickiiiiiii Laaaawwwwsooooo��
|
| Joan: | Oh, Ted�
|
| Ted: | Eh hah� (types some more) Okay, what is your name?
|
| Vicki: | (high pitched, fast and tinny) MynameisVickiLawson.
|
| Ted: | Somewhere in the middle, there� (some more typing) Okay, one more time. What is
your name?
|
| Vicki: | (standard Vicki) My name is Vicki Lawson, dummy.
|
| Ted: | Dummy?!
|
| Vicki: | That�s what Vanessa called you.
|
| Jamie: | Well forget Vanessa, Vicki. She�s gone forever.
|
| Joan: | Oh honey, I�m so glad we�re all back together again. (hugs Vicki)
|
| Vicki: | (imitating Joan) Oh honey, I�m so glad I�m back together again! (hugs Joan, smiles
and goes into repose)
|