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THE DARTH REALM |
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(Official Transcript) |
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Pilot Episode: Darth Babes |
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Original FOX Air Date: May 3, 2002 |
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(A Binring Biomedical Products Production) |
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| {Start Broadcast} |
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| {Opening Title and Theme} |
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| M.C. Ad Ackbar: Yaa-yaah, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the premiere of Darth Babes...the modernistic, politically correct talk show where revered Darths rate sensual "babes" from across the galaxy. Here is your host, General Jan Dodonna! |
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{End Title} |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Thank you, thank you... |
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| {End Theme} |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Thank you, very much. How is everyone tonight? Superb! I am delighted you all joined us for the premiere of Darth Babes...program where Dark Lords bestow exquisite females using the "Darth Babe" rating system. Without further delay, let me introduce our distinguished Darth Babes panel: The eminent Darth Sidious... |
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Darth Sidious: Whazzup! |
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| General Jan Dodonna: The renowned Darth Maul... |
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| Darth Maul: Dodonna? |
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| General Jan Dodonna: The illustrious Darth Tyranus... |
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| Darth Tyranus: Good evening, my friends. |
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| General Jan Dodonna: And the prominent Darth Vader. |
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| Darth Vader: <Breathing> |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Welcome, gentlemen. Let me introduce the inaugural "Darth Babe". It is wrestling sensation, Trish Stratus! |
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| {General Jan Dodonna displays a Trish Stratus hologram} |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Let us begin! Darth Sidious, How do you rate WWF superstar Trish Stratus, using the "Darth Babes" rating system? |
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| Darth Sidious: Man, I'd do anything to get into the ring with Trish Stratus...you know what I'm saying? Damn, I'd even surrender the Empire, to the Rebellion, for her. Honestly, I'd ditch the Empire for just five minutes with her! As a matter of fact, one minute would be worth it! I'd relinquish the Empire, without thinking twice, to a hutt, for one minute with her! Actually, two seconds would be worth it. I'd abandon the Empire, instantly, to an ewok, for two seconds with her! Two seconds is all I need! Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! Oh, do you want this? One...two...three...yippee! Now let's blow this thing and go home! You know what I'm saying? |
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| General Jan Dodonna: No, but it sounds very elegant and charming. So what is your answer? |
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| Darth Sidious: Hey, Baby! I have a bone to pick with you. One second! You know what I'm saying? One second would be enough... |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Okay? Let us move on. Darth Maul, how do you rate Trish Stratus using the "Darth Babe" rating system? |
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| Darth Maul: Hey, Dodonna. |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Yes? |
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| Darth Maul: Do you realize the word "dodo" is in your last name? |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Pardon me? |
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| Darth Maul: "Dodo"...it resembles "doo-doo". |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Excuse me? |
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| Darth Maul: There is no excuse for you, General Doo-Doo Man! |
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| General Jan Dodonna: What? What did I ever do to you? |
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| Darth Maul: General Poopy Man! |
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| General Jan Dodonna: How rude. Let us proceed... |
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| Darth Maul: General "Whoops "I Crapped My Pants" Man! |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Darth Tyranus, how do you rate Trish Stratus using the "Darth Babe" rating system? |
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| Darth Tyranus: What is lovely never dies, but passes into other loveliness. |
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| General Jan Dodonna: What? |
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| Darth Tyranus: There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. |
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| General Jan Dodonna: What? |
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| Darth Tyranus: If you get simple beauty and naught else, you get about the best thing the Force invents. |
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| General Jan Dodonna: I have no concept of what you are saying? Why is everyone having difficulty answering my simple question? |
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| {Uncomfortable silence} |
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| General Jan Dodonna: Darth Vader, how do you rate Trish Stratus using the "Darth Babe" rating system? |
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| Darth Vader: <Breathing> Trish's proficiency and certainty are decisive. <Breath> A promising future is inevitable for her. <Breathing> Together we... |
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| General Jan Dodonna: blah blah blah, we know she is a remarkable wrestler! What about her physique? What about her appearance? What about her luster? What about her watermelons? How does she rate using the "Darth Babe" rating system? |
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| {Instantly a crackling buzz fills the air} |
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| {A blur of red light, and black, swishes in the direction of General Jan Dodonna} |
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| {Abruptly the crackling buzz ceases} |
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| {A solitary thump, followed by unrestrained rolling, follows} |
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| {General Jan Dodonna headless torso drops to the ground} |
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| Darth Vader: <Breathing> |
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| Darth Maul: Game over, rebel scum! Game over, General "Diarrhea Fart Face" Man! |
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| Darth Sidious: Damn, Trish Stratus is so peppery! You know what I'm saying? I sure need some pepper for my sandwich! Hey, give me that hologram! |
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| Darth Tyranus: That sure was enlightening...I cannot wait until the next show . |
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| {Closing Theme and Credits} |
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| M.C. Ad Ackbar: This concludes the premiere of Darth Babes. Join the Darths next time as they try and rank a new "Darth Babe", with special guest Jar Jar Binks. This is M.C. Ackbar saying good night, and remember, "Allayloo ta muv"...Celebrate the love. See you next time! |
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| {End Closing Theme and Credits} |
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| {General Jan Dodonna Memorial Service Announcement} |
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| {New Host Job Opportunity Notice} |
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| {Production Logo (A rump slapping gamorrean dancing in a diaper bellowing, "Yub, yub!")} |
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| {End Broadcast} |
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The Darth Babe Trish Stratus Page |
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The Darth Babes Page |
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The Star Wars News & Rumors Page |
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The Darth Realm Home |
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