I started seeing this guy who was 18 years older than I was. We still are going out to this day. He knows about my eating disorder. Joe, my boyfriend, is very clear though to me that if I lose more weight, he'll stop seeing me. I know he's not kidding! While seeing him, I wouldn't eat anything. I went down to 86 lbs. The doctor and my boyfriend both told me they were going to have to put me in the hospital if I didn't put on weight. I didn't think I was ill or even thin for that matter. I put on just enough weight to please them and not be sent to the hospital. They or anyone else don't understand if I do eat, I may just lose control and won't be able to stop eating. I realized in the long run, if I eat small meals and then stop, I won't go through this ugly binging and purging cycle. It scared me to have to eat these three small meals, but it worked! I am now 96 lbs and still struggling with eating every day.
When I was 21 years old, I still was taking laxatives. Joe found them in my underwear drawer, and asked me why I had to take them. I said I just had to. I made myself think that to keep my eating disorder I might as well take laxatives. Joe had to go jail for three months on a DUI. Before he went, I threw the laxatives away. That was the last time I took laxatives. While he was in jail, I would get drunk practically every day. I realized I had to go to treatment for this alcohol problem. I went to treatment and was sober for six months. I tried getting into a treatment program that treated alcohol, drug, & eating disorders. It never went through. I think maybe I should've went to some kind of treatment like that.
Today, I'm off of all medications except for medications for my migraines. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I want to stop eating. I still see a fat person. I always think I need to lose weight. I wonder when I'll be able to see myself and say I look good...