As time went on, instead of getting easier, things became much harder. Roles were confused, people were afraid to break out, the thoughts of my mother's tears in that courtroom. These things tortured me for over a year. I might have gone mad, except something caught my attention.
A young girl by the name of Haven. She was a little more than a year younger than I and we met as a friend and i were working on a project. She was involved in it and I was to meet her at a football game one night to talk about this. That night spawned one of my worse habbits, mixing buisness with pleasure.
The night went very well, a friend of mine and her best friend were connecting very well. They spoke a lot on Haven and I getting together.
Trying not to loose my hardened look and still afraid to jump into a relationship, I attempted to quell the talk by taking Haven aside. The conversation we had was a short one. I remember my masked timidness wile speaking the words.
"Listen to them talking about us gettin together, i meen would you even want to?" I asked rhetorically.
"Yes," she replied innocently.
The word was powerful enough to stop my speach dead in it's flow.
"Well then, umm.... does that meen we're together?" I asked.
But she once again replied only, "Yes."
Allthough i kept my hard hearted image i felt light as a feather that night. I rode home in my dad's car not saying a word but yet in a form of a trance.
Her and I talked on the phone every night for over a month. I thought i had found my hapily ever after. But soon enough depresion would sneak up on me. I began to slip in and out of depresion utterly annoying Haven. I became suspicious of Haven. Though I knew better I began to watch her with a harmful eye.
This caused her to be more annoyed and she began to seperate herself from me. I understand her position and why she did it. Hell I would have done the same thing.
As the semester ended so did our relationship. I split up with her over Christmas break. Unfortunatly I had no sorrow, no guilt. I sat and wished I could have felt something. I even made myself cry just to make sure I was still human. But I was too deep in my own self loathing to care, about anything, Haven, my family, my friends, even myself.
You know it's kind of funny what you remember, I remember her reaction to her first kiss, she was quite surprised and confused. I remember watching her do simple tasks and being spell bound by her. Most importantly I remember those innocent baby blue eyes that seemed to tell me that all her trust was with me.
But I could not remember my feelings for her, not even as hard as I tried. I don't know why.