Anyway, I'm starting to get back to normal so that means bad news for all of my friends because I want to do something good for the 4th of July. Like eat red meat and blow stuff up. Two great American pastimes. So you punks better get your stuff together and figure out what you're gonna do. If it's gonna rain Friday I recommend playing Initial D at my house and cooking food. Hahaha actually any reason to play Initial D is good for me. We could do that Saturday. So let's do this like Brutus. For your viewing pleasure, here are some screenshots from the game.
Let me give you some background so you will understand what I mean. Kricket and some of my friends already know alot about my past and some of the terrible things I did in high, college, and even a few years ago. Of course they don't know everything and there are some things I will take to my grave. In the past I was a brawler, a minor-league hacker, and very selfish person. At times when I have talked with my friends they have seen me go cold or get a little angry. Because of my insecurities and anger I could never make a relationship last with someone for more than a year. If someone hurt me I would give it back to them 10 times worse...even people I cared about. I have fought with my parents before and at times even made my own mother cry. That's how bad I was. When I moved to Oklahoma City in 1996 I spent almost a year locked away in my small apartment focusing on myself and trying to change myself, for the better I hoped. I would just go to work, then come home...that's it. At that time my only outlet was the internet and unfortunately that was not such a good thing because eventually I wound up running with a bunch of guys who hacked. Of course then I was already pretty bitter about my life and when you are smart AND bitter, it makes for a dangerous combination. So for several months I learned a little stuff and hacked with them until I got into an argument with one of those guys and we started to feud. He was alot better at hacking than me so long story short I had to go offline for awhile (like a few months) until I thought it would be safe to come back. But in the end I opened my eyes and started to change for the better. I focused on my work, became good friends with my coworkers (we are still friends to this day and I still talk to them) made a few other friends as well. Heck, I even dated a little when I was there and usually things ended peacefully. I set my sights on better things for myself and eventually landed a good job here in DC and moved here in June 1999. Since that time I have made some good friends, accomplished a few things career-wise, bought a decent car, dated, and even traveled to Japan. Things we're looking good.
However, we all know that we can't always leave the past behind. Sometimes it comes back to haunt us, or in my case, to make me screw up. For me the past is like a little devil sitting on my shoulder or riding shotgun in my head. Then when something bad happens to me or someone hurts me alot, he jumps in and says, "Let me drive for awhile. You're a mess." That's when things go from bad to worse. Rather than just "forgive and forget" I go to "get mad and get even". I guess it's okay if you're in the mob, but not good when you're a 30 year old engineer just getting by. Another thing is that when I get hurt I don't just go into a rage and let it out. It festers inside me until I wind up exploding and hurting someone. Like their pain will make me feel better. I can honestly say I am not like that all the time anymore, but I know the dark side of me is still in there and when I get hurt close to my heart or something, I know he'll be ready to jump in like yesterday. All I can say is I'm sorry. I still have alot of work to do until I can become the man I want to be. I'm glad I can talk about this here I guess. It's like therapy. Later.