I woke up this morning and you were still gone. No matter how hard I try, I can’t erase the pain. I can’t seem to make myself start over with the idea that you’re not here. People say I’ll get used to it, they say the grief will start to fade, but they’re wrong. They’re so wrong.
Every night is a struggle to get through. You would hold me in the dark, soothing me to sleep with that soft lilt in your voice, with your tuneless melodies. The press of your warm body against mine was all I needed in this world, and now it’s gone. The sheets are frigid without you, and I can’t sleep without your words lulling me into oblivion.
Every morning is sunless without you to greet me. When everyone else sees bright yellow rays, I see storm clouds. You used to make me breakfast in the morning before you left for work. I don’t eat breakfast anymore because you aren’t there to make it, and it doesn’t taste the same without your special touch.
The days go by so slowly, and I don’t notice anyone anymore. I stepped out in front of a car the other day. He stopped in time, shaking his fist and cursing at me to watch where I was going. I wish he had hit me. Wish he had killed me. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about this any longer.
It’s the same every day. I’m frightened. Scared of the dependency that surfaced with your absence. I can’t go on like this, without you. I’m wasting away. I have been ever since that day you left. It was three years, five weeks, and two days ago. And I still can’t pull myself up.
Windows break easily. I know. I just shattered the one in the living room with my fists. I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to do this. I’ve wasted time I could have been spending with you. My knuckles are bleeding. It tastes like copper. Is that what you tasted when that man slit your throat so he could steal your wallet? He took my life away for $80 and a credit card. He took away my soul for a high. He took you away from me because he didn’t have anything.
In my dreams, I find him in the same spot he found you and kill him. My hands go around his throat and squeeze until his lungs are useless and he drops to the ground like a lead weight. In my dreams, his killing brings you back and you protect me, keep me safe in your arms.
I don’t believe in angels. I don’t believe in God. I believe that someday we’ll meet again in a different life. And I want to start as soon as possible so I can find you. I’m tired of living a lie. I want you back, and this is the only way to get you.
The glass is red now. I can’t stand up. I let my eyes close, let it shut out the painful world that became my home on that fateful day three years, five weeks, and two days ago. I’m tired of being alone.
I woke up this morning and you were still gone…
