This page is a list of people to whom I am married. <3

Yeah, I know. It is weird. But, you see, I feel a bizarre desire to be married to people. Yeah, people. I was once a monogamist. Then a bigamist. Then a trigamist, and now...a mega-super-ultra-polygamist. Scary, isn't it?

You have to understand that, in my head, for all intents and purposes I am actually married to these people. Really. It's fab. And also, it should be noted that they are not husbands or wives...but husband-i and wife-i. Like octopus becomes octopi, etc.

So! Without any further ado - because it is possible to have too much ado, I promise you - here is...

The Wedding List

In order of date-of-marriage, currently married to:

Lou
Robyn / Agnes / Marie
Alex Parks
Sam Nixon (from Pop Idol)
Chris, the vicar dude from Pop Idol
Laura / Lor
Andrew <3
Gregor
Iain
Ralph Fiennes
Will Young
Kate Winslet
Robbie Williams
Tom <33
Tom's hair <3333
Sean
Alan Rickman
Kate Bush
Jake Gyllenhaal
Cilian Murphy (but only when he's shaven)
Freddy Rodriguez

Current bits-on-the-side:

Laura / Roderick / Shona / Fucking Gwyneth

Current gimps:

Vic - she hasn't bought her leather catsuit yet. Most shocked.

Divorcees, in order of date-of-divorce, followed by reasons for divorce:

Chris, the vicar dude from Pop Idol. (Total gimp, and not in the good way. Also, possible future paedophile.)
Gregor. (A somewhat reluctant divorce. Just not gonna work. And he's, like, five.)
Iain. (Too lovely for me. Plus, this marriage was just causing friction amongst my other friends.)
Kate Winslet. (I grew out of that one.) Sean - we broke up. It's not cool anymore.

That's all for now. More as I...err...marry them.