Heero stopped typing and leaned back.  “It isn’t.”

Quatre frowned.  “What do you mean?”  He sat quietly on the side of the bed while Heero stretched.

“None of the matches make sense.”

Quatre sighed, exasperated.  “But you’ve been searching straight for a day and a half now.  I think we’re running out of time....”

Heero was quiet but he couldn’t help agreeing with the blond.  Cressida had been very insistent about helping Duo, and she had obviously meant as soon as humanly possible.  But how were they to help him if all the clues were inconclusive?  “We need something more,” Heero commented emotionlessly just before he leaned forward and began searching again.  Quatre’s gaze snapped to Heero’s stoic face.

It was obvious he was exhausted.  His movements were choppier than normal, and he had been making a few mistakes typing as the backspace key was actually used once in awhile.  It had been two days since they’d left Cressida, and Heero had been searching straight both days with just enough breaks to keep him from falling over.  How much longer could he make it
before he completely collapsed?  It didn’t seem likely that they’d suddenly solve the problem within the next week, if even month.  While Cressida had helped them, she hadn’t helped enough.

Something had to be done.

Sliding his eyes closed slowly, as if the world’s weight rested on his lids, Quatre slowly pushed himself up.  “Take a break soon, Heero.  You need to rest,” he said softly.  Heero didn’t answer, just typed faster.  Quatre nodded to himself as if he’d feared that reaction.

It was another day before Quatre decided that something ABSOLUTELY _HAD_ to be done.  They were getting nowhere with the search and Heero was practically killing himself.  It was obvious that they needed something more powerful... more... omniscient....

~ Does time exist in a dreamland?

Am I growing older right now?  Or, if—no, WHEN—I get out, will I pop back to the exact moment I laid down?  For that matter, how long have I been in here?  Shit, it could have been YEARS and I wouldn’t know.  I mean....  Time HAS to pass differently, right?  Like that whole “the other guy ages slower” thing they talk about in physics.  Yeah, I actually AM an intelligent, sentient being behind the mouth and braid, thankyouverymuch.  So, if this dreamworld moves slower, I could technically be moving slower, right?  Then I’d age slower wouldn’t I?  Or wait... was it the other way around?  Even so, I don’t know how fast my time is relative to everyone else’s and... and... fuck it.  Physics isn’t gonna help me right now.

And, damnit, I STILL want to know what the fuck I did to deserve this! WHAT??  So I’m a Gundam pilot... it’s not like I’m the only one.  Why couldn’t they pick on Soldier-Boy?  He’s probably got enhanced defenses to shield him from this supernatural shit.  Or Justice Freak?  What not Spear Hair?  Or even Quatre “Call me Space Heart” Winner??  What was it I did that made whoever is doing this sit down and go “Gee y’know I think I’d REALY like to fuck with Duo right about now. Why don’t I go abduct him and stick him IN HIS FUCKING DREAMS!”

... Yeah... sorry... I’m just a little pissy right now.

I HATE THIS!

I can’t even fucking move!  It’s like being paralyzed, only... not.  I mean, yeah, I can’t move my body (mostly because I don’t know where the hell it is) but I’m stuck here mentally too and... and... damnit, I’m feeling so weak!

Ok.

I said it.

I have been noticing lately how weary I feel.  It’s really stupid... like I haven’t slept forever....

... Ha. Ha. Ha.

Not funny, Duo.

Grrrr...  Fine!  If they’re going to make me sit here in the damn dark after doing all this shit to me I’m going to piss them off!  That’s right... evil songs from the 20th and 21st centuries.  The kind that used to make even the children cringe.  Since I’m assuming YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME RIGHT NOW YOU GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD (“you” being the person who’s doing this to me(1) ) then I’m going to give you something to listen to.

*ahem* WEEEEE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARRIIIIIIINE....

...

Hmm.  Don’t see any reaction yet.  Fine.

THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVEEER EEEEENDDSSSS YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIIIIIEEEEENDS… SOME PEOPLE…STARTED SINGING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! AND THEY’LL CONTINUE SINGING IT FOREVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEEEVEEER EEEEEEENDDSSSSS YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY—

... Think I heard something.  Like music.  Guitars and drums and....

Still, doesn’t help any if I CAN’T SEE!  Hell, why does it have to be so dark in here?  I hate the dark.  I mean, not all the time.  Most of the time I LOVE the dark.  But sometimes... like, oh, I don’t know, NOW, I just hate it.  *sigh*  Anyway... where was I...?

THIS IS THE

/ Say your prayers, little one
Don’t forget, my son,
To include everyone /

SONG THA—

Wait a second.  I KNOW I heard something that time!  Like a song....

*several moments of silence*

Err... guess it was just me.  Nevermind.  Ok....

THAT NEV

/I tuck you in, warm within

Keep you free from sin
Till the Sandman he comes.../

ER EN—

Ok, I _SO_ heard something THAT time!

It’s like a song but it comes at once... so it has to be something from this shitty ass world.  Like that stupid song from before.  What are these people?  Manic depressive, obsessive-compulsive musicians who get off on using peoples’ lives like fucked up characters in even more fucked up fairy tales?  LEAVE ME ALONE!  Ok?  I know you’re listening.  So LEAVE.  ME.  THE.   HELL.  _ALONE_!!!!!

/Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight/

HAH!  Did you hear it that time?  Huh??

... What am I talking about?  I’m sitting here in the dark talking to myself like there’s actually someone here to hear this crap, then I start screaming at myths and ghosts like THEY’RE there and...  I just KNOW I’m going to wake up soon and groan and then I’m going to tell myself that I should NEVER eat anchovy-pepperoni-pineapple pizza again before bed (even
though I didn’t eat that) and then I’m gonna get my ass chewed out by Perfect Soldier himself about endangering missions and all that shit and Quatre’s gonna give me that hurt puppy dog “Are you going to be ok, Duo, or are you going to break under this (minor) pressure?” look and Trowa’s gonna just stare at me and Wufei’s either gonna not give a shit or he’s gonna give
TOO MUCH of a shit and proceed to lecture me on proper conduct and how unjust it is to just leave out of nowhere because of a weakness and stop acting like a woman and then I’m gonna have to strap my skinny American ass into Deathscythe and face the battlefield once more, killing more and more people, until Deathscythe screams with blood....

... And I’ll never be more happy in my life.

I promise.

Just let me go back and I won’t whine.  I won’t complain.  Fuck, I won’t even TALK if that’s what you want!

I ... I won’t... I promise.  I really do.

Just... let me back... Ok...?

Fuck.

It’s all around me now.  What the hell??  What is with this song??

/Exit light /

What the--??  How come it suddenly seems so dark?  What...  This is so fucking melodramatic.  STOP IT!  I’m serious, ok?  This is nowhere NEAR funny.

/Enter night/

And I’m going to ignore the sound I just heard over there.  Because it doesn’t exist.  Because THIS WHOLE GODS-FORSAKEN _PLACE_ doesn’t exist!!!

/Take my hand/

What the fuck was that?  I mean...  I mean, I didn’t feel...  Shit, can you hear that?  Under the music?  What the hell is this??  It feels like ... mutated spider-rats, walking all around me...  I mean, who the hell comes up with this stuff?

Me.  I do.  That’s it.  It’s just me.  This doesn’t exist.  THIS DOESN’T EXIST!

/Off to Never Never Land/

Shit.

Who...?

I keep turning but I don’t see anything.  There’s no one here...  There’s nothing to....

But I just heard someone whisper from right behind me those same words and....

/Something’s wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren’t of Snow White/

Wait.  There’s something there. Right...  Right over....  Hey!  Who are you?  HUH??

Tell me....

WHAT. DO. YOU. _WANT_?!!!

“Hmm,” someone says suddenly, “Interesting.”

I feel my heart clutch in my chest as my eyes (if I even have eyes here) widen.

I really wasn’t expecting an answer....

There’s a laugh, then....

“Yes.  VERY interesting....” ~

Quatre glanced around nervously.  He didn’t want anyone knowing where he was off to.  If they found out....  Well, they would obviously stop him. And if they stopped him, they’d have to rely on Heero searching with his laptop still.  Or, worse, Heero would decide HE should be the one to do this, not Quatre... and then it all would fall to hell in the end anyway.

No, the only way to solve this problem was to do it himself.

Quatre slowly climbed the ladder.  He had doubts... of course he had doubts.  He was afraid this wouldn’t work... or, worse, it WOULD work but HE wouldn’t be able to control it.  Or, he WOULD be able to control it, but his mind would warp the “control” like it did last time and....  But now he had some experience.  This time he wouldn’t hurt anyone.  This time HE would control IT, not the other way around.  Because... if he didn’t....

Duo would die.

As Quatre climbed into the pilot seat he ran that thought over and over in his head like a mantra.  <Must control or Duo will die.  Must control or Duo will die.  Must control or Duo will die....>

He hoped it would be enough.

Heero growled in annoyance.  Even HE was starting to feel the exhaustion from three straight days of staring at a computer screen.  But he couldn’t pull himself away.  Everytime he tried to stop he suddenly remembered Duo, laughing at him as he threw popcorn.  Duo, throwing Heero’s laptop on the bed and turning flashing amethyst eyes his way.  Duo, teasing him because he set his own bone.  Duo, telling Heero to wave to their fans as they played basketball for one of the schools they transferred to.  Even Duo, showing up in the middle of nowhere, shooting Heero because he thought he was the “bad guy.”

Everywhere he looked, he remembered Duo.  Laughing, smiling, joking, smirking.  Duo, frowning, glaring, pouting, sulking.  Duo, fighting, shouting, whooping, screaming.  Duo, shuddering, wandering, walking, falling.

Duo.

It was driving him insane.

He needed to find Duo... as soon as possible....

Please.

~ Who’s there?  I’m serious!

The figure approaches me but it’s so damn dark I can’t really tell anything.  I can feel my... well, “body”... tensing.  I’m ready to attack, to pounce and rip and shred and decimate—

“Oh Goddess, Duo, I’m sorry!  I forgot you can’t see me!”

I know that voice.

I know that voice I know that voice I KNOW THAT VOICE!

I completely freeze, surprised, trying to decide if I should be happy or pissed to hear that voice.  In the end, it doesn’t matter.  She suddenly appears right in front of me. But... it’s not quite her....

Her hair is short like before, still flipped out.  She still has those amazing eyes.  But she looks... older.  I mean, not in age, but just in spirit.  And she’s wearing these very archaic-looking robes that remind me of that one anime, Fushigi Yuugi, when the priestess of whatchamacallit dressed up in all white.  She’s got a billion and one flashing bracelets and hair gems and chains and belts and earrings and jewelry in general, with one very pretty and kick ass circlet that has a moon on it... but the one thing
I would’ve thought for sure I’d see isn’t there.

Where’s the pentagram? I ask but I realize it’s just a mind thing... I didn’t actually –say- it.  Still, she answers me.

“It’s gone for now, Duo, but that’s what I need to talk to you about. First of all, how are you?”  She’s staring intently at me, looking me up and down as if she can see my body.  It finally occurs to me to look down.

Well... cute.

I have a body, yeah.  I can barely see the outline of my hand as I hold it up, though, which is why I never noticed before.  Course this isn’t my REAL body but I guess it’s good enough, ne?  For now anyway.  But my body isn’t normal.  Err... it IS normal.  Ugh, this is hard to explain.  I see my body just like it IS my body—the right length and shape and all that.  But instead of seeing skin I see... an emptiness, I guess.  It’s not like I’m only an outline... if I poke myself, like so... yeah, I feel myself.  So I’m there.  But I still only see my outline.  Yick, how disturbing.  To top it off I think I’m naked.

I can feel my outline-cheeks blush just as Dori laughs at me.  That doesn’t help any.  She laughs even harder... and harder...  I stare at her incredulously.  What’s so damn funny?

“You haven’t distinguished between spoken and unvoiced thoughts yet, Duo.” She’s still laughing.  “I can hear everything you say.  Even when you explain what’s happening.”

Egh!  Now I’m REALLY blushing and she’s laughing even harder and... Well how do I fix it then?

She’s still chuckling as she answers, “Decide what you want to think and what you want to say and your mind will do the rest.”

I frown.  Ok.  I can do this.  If I can pilot a Gundam I—whoops, wonder if she knew that—oh well, she knows now.  Good job, Duo.  Heero’d be--*sigh* nevermind about that anyway.  Ok...   Distinguishing...  I think of some words and pretend I’m saying them... “Like this?”

Dori smiles at me.  “Perfect, Duo.  Are you still thinking?” Am I still thinking?  I can’t tell if that’s a joke or if she’s serious.  “If you are I can’t hear you anymore.  Exactly how that’s supposed to work.”  Wait a sec, so she can’t hear me say this?  Yo, Dori bay-bee, canya hear me?  “You’re learning fast.”  She acts like she doesn’t hear me but I should check.
Lessee... how to test it...?

Aha.  Dori step a little closer and I’ll rip those pretty little robes off, throw them halfway across the world and proceed to fuck you so hard you’ll never know what happened.  My hands will move all over you, under you, through you, in you, and you’ll be screaming for more once I let your mouth free from me.

Hmm.  Nothing... she’s just watching me watching her.  I’d THINK that would at least get a blush or something from her if she heard.  Maybe she’s just really cool.  I can fix that.

Have you ever seen a boy fuck another boy?  They french like any girl and guy would but there are some definite differences.  First one’s gotta be the receiver....

She just raised her eyebrow!  HAH!  I _KNEW_ you could hear me Dori!  You liar!

“You’re being unusually quiet, Duo, and stop staring at me.  Are you done doing whatever you’re doing?”

I think my eyes bug out.  “Err... yeah.”

“Good.  Now, Duo, I’m not here just for the hell of it.  We’re both in trouble.”\

I sigh.  Figures.  Oh, whoops.  “Figures.”

“Listen, Duo, we’re in a very shitty position right now.  I tried to help the other pilots find you but I don’t think they understood... and if they DON’T understand VERY soon, we’re both screwed.”

I frown.  That’s always nice to know.  Wait, damnit!  “That’s always nice to know,” I say drolly.  She smiles at me then looks around.

“I was surprised to find you here....”

I blink.  “Why?  And, here?  Where IS “here” anyway?  What the hell happened??”

Dori sighs.  “That’s an extremely long story that we’ll get to in a second.   First, though, I need your help.”

I don’t do this very often but this time it’s necessary.  Boggle!  “Wha...?   Dori, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty much dead weight in space around here.  I don’t know what the hell is happening, and even if I did, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do.”

“Cressida,” she sighs.

“What?”

“My name... it’s not Dori... it’s Cressida.”  She looks sad so I stare at her a moment then shrug.

“K, Cressida, Dori, whatever.  I still can’t help you.”

Dori—Cressida—sighs again.  “Just believe in yourself, alright?  You’ve already done more than I thought you’d be able to.”

I frown  “Like what?”

She looks at me seriously.  “Duo, you’re still alive.  That’s one good thing.  Another is you actually escaped the Nightmares and threw yourself into the Netherlands to protect yourself.  The fact your subconscious not only KNEW that the Netherlands existed but also knew how to get you there is beyond me.  If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re a Dreamer... but you aren’t.”  She peers at me as I try to understand what she’s telling me. It’s all mumbo jumbo, blah blah blah, who cares as long as I get out. “You’re something, though, Duo, or I never would have been brought here.”

“Shinigami.” I grin.

She looks very surprised.  “What?”

“Shinigami is my only God, and I go by the name as well.  Bet that’s it.” I honestly don’t care that much.  I just don’t want her to leave.  Whoever’s watching over me, PLEASE don’t let her leave!  I don’t think I could handle going back to the loneliness after finding someone.  Contact right now is like a drug.

Like a drug.

Like those dreams.

Like Heero.

Heero.

I’m so distracted I don’t even realize she’s talking until she’s finishing her sentence, “...have a chance!”

“Eh, right, sure.  So, what’s up?”

Dori (Cressida? But I like Dori more....) watches me a moment before answering, and now she’s all high and mighty business like.  Hmph.  Figures.

“When I arrived here I barely had any strength, and I still barely have any strength, so I asked the Lord of Vision, Shamash (2), to guide me to help....  And He led me here.”  She looks at me strangely and I feel weird.

“Right, well, whaddya want me to do?”

She’s still staring at me.  It’s giving me the creeps.

“What’re you trying to do anyway?”

Silence.

Great.  Just like talking to Heero.

I wince.  Why does that name bring so much pain?

I think I start to hear the song again....

/ Dreams of war, dreams of liars,
Dream of dragon’s fire,
And the things that will bite /

I hear that as I think the name Heero and suddenly I’m not by Dori anymore.  Suddenly I’m....

^^ ~ I’m back there... where I was right before I came here...  I’m stuck to the ground.  Fuck, I can’t move!  I hurt... someone help me, it hurts...! ~ Heero showed up with something in one hand and something long in his other. I watched him warily.  ~What is this?  No!  I don’t want to see it again! Leave me alone!!... ~  He smiled down at me merrily, holding the long thing in front until I recognized it.

My braid.

~ Oh gods no leave me alone please don’t make me see it again stop it leave me alone STOP IT!! ~

I started to sit up but couldn’t because my arms were still stuck in the ground.  “You didn’t make enough noise, Duo, so now I’ll have to pull it out of you.”  He sounded so disappointed I could only blink. ~PLEASE!  Please... I don’t want to see it again!  Leave me alone!  PLEAAASE! ~  “This is what you mean to me, Duo.  What you’ve always meant to me.”  I blinked, probably looking very stupid as I tried to understand him.  My body was still vibrating from pain and shock.  Heero looked at me very seriously.  “You’ve never meant anything to me, Duo.  You’re just an annoying idiot who won’t leave me alone.  You’re nothing but a cheap, masturbating whore.  You get your kicks from dreams because no one could ever love a waste like you in real life.  Especially not me.”

~ I feel myself fall to my knees in the present, clutching at my head, even as I feel myself struggle against the ground in the recent past.  Please let it stop!  I don’t want to see it anymore.  I was trying to forget... to pretend it didn’t.... ~

I caught my breath.  “That’s not true, Heero.  Besides, you’re just something I made up.”

Heero raised an eyebrow.  “Why would I have a use for you, Duo?  I’m not even gay, you useless faggot.”

~ I will not cry I will not feel pain I WILL NOT BE HURT...!~

“But you—“

“Slept with you?  Call it an experiment.  Besides, emotional freaks like you are easier to control when your feelings are being manipulated.  If I make you think we’re in love you’ll be more likely to watch my back in battle.  You’ll take bullets for me, do –anything- for me,” and his voice was dripping with scorn, “Just like some homeless puppy.  A stray.  That no one wanted.  What makes you think I’d want you?  I have no use for you.  If I –were- to love anyone, you know who it would be....”

~ Why won’t it stop?  WHY WON’T IT STOP?!?(From somewhere far away I hear “Duo!”  But it’s so soft....) ~

“Not—“ I began quietly, feeling the tears burn at my eyes painfully.

Suddenly the world shifted and I was lying there, naked and broken, in the middle of a huge ballroom.  I tried to move and cover myself but I was stuck.  Heero glanced over and Relena appeared at his shoulder.  She blinked and looked at me with a very delicate, disgusted look.  “Duo, what...?”

Heero pulled her at him forcefully and kissed her passionately.  Relena melted into his arms and smiled radiantly, which he returned just as strongly.  They were looking at each other so happily I felt like such an ass getting in the middle.

~Fuck please stop it PLEASE!  Why won’t you listen to me?  (The voice says, louder, “Duo!” but it doesn’t matter...the voice doesn’t matter... nothing maters if I can’t get this to stop... If I can’t...)  Just STOP IT!  Damn you!  ... pl... please....  Please.~

Relena glanced down at me again, noticed people beginning to point and laugh, and removed her shawl.  She squatted down, very purposefully not looking at my nakedness, as she started to wipe the tears from my eyes.  We locked gazes and I saw nothing but pity and disgust with an attempt at understanding.  She laid the shawl over my middle so I was covered.  Heero
shook his head at her as if she’d just been unnecessarily kind to some beggar on the street.  She stepped back and I struggled to keep from crying.  Somehow, her pity and kindness hurt more than anything else.  She got Heero but she wasn’t gloating.

~STOP IT!!!!~

The orchestra suddenly broke into son— ^^

“DUO!”

Merciless hands are clenching my shoulders, shaking me roughly, wrenching my chin up.  I squeeze my eyes shut.  I don’t want to see it!  I don’t want to see it I don’t want to see it I don’t want to—

“DUO!  Shit, Duo, are you alright??  Snap out of it!”

I’m being shaken again.  I don’t want to see—Wait.  That voice.  I know that voice....

I slowly open my eyes to see Dori watching me with wide, frightened eyes.

She’s not the only one.

I blink and avert my eyes.  I don’t want to face those eyes right now.  The pity and attempt at understanding will only remind me of... of how Relena....

Fuck.

“...is fight.”

I blink.  Damnit I missed most of the conversation again!  “Wha...?”

Dori’s hard gaze softens.  “I said, I’m sorry about what happened but the only thing we can do now is fight.”

I don’t even bother telling her its worthless.  Even if I DID get out again....  Nothing will have changed, will it?  I’ll still be some lovesick fool.

I’m worse than Relena.

The thought makes me wince but I cover it up by melodramatically running my hand through my bangs.

It’s then that I remember.

My braid.

Holy shit, it’s really gone!  I panic, trying to pull my hair in front but it’s so short I can barely see it.  I’d been so distracted by everything else I didn’t even realize it really HAD happened... I mean that it wasn’t just a dream....

Ha.  Funny.  Again.

Dori’s eyes are turning dangerously close to pity.  I narrow my eyes.  I don’t take pity.  I don’t take charity.  Not from Dori, not from Relena, not even from Heero.  From no one.  No one!

“What do you want me to do?” I say, and this time my voice is ice.

She looks startled but nods. “There’s only one person we need to contact right now.”

I nod curtly, trying desperately to ignore how short my hair is still and failing miserably.  “Right.  Who?”

She hesitates the slightest bit.  “He—Heero.”

My entire body stiffens.

Heero.

^^ Let me get something straight.  It wasn’t too fun what was happening to me, but remember when I said that just by even touching Heero I felt like I was raping him?  Yeah... well everything he did to me... I felt like I was doing it 5 times worse to him by imagining a Heero who would do this.  So while Heero raped me, I raped and fucked and defiled him.  The shame of being raped was nothing compared to the shame of raping someone else at the same time.  I got both ends of the shit pile. ^^

I squeeze my eyes shut but it only makes things worse.  I can feel shame boil up from within, wrapping around my anger, making me more determined. Finally I open my eyes, returning to The Mask.  The Grinning Mask of Death winks and says playfully, “Sure you wanna rely on him?  We’d be better off talking to a wall.  At least THAT could crumble without being told it’s a mission.”  The Not-So-Grim Reaper laughs and shakes His head, but even He realizes that sounded slightly bitter.

I’ll never be able to face him again, will I...?  My distracted thoughts of Heero are interrupted again when Dori clears her throat.  I look over and grin.  Mask firmly in place now.  Nothing will shake it again.

NOTHING.

“I need you to lend me some strength.  Just pretend—“

“—that my energy is like an aura where I can capture parts of it in a ball that I can send somewhere else, as long as I know who and/or what to.  Yep, gotcha.”

Dori’s eyes bug out and I laugh truly this time.  I only wink, not even bothering with an explanation.  But, just between you and me, sometimes when Deathscythe’s looking like he’s not gonna make it, I lend him some of myself.  I mean I don’t sit there making the ball in front of me, but I DO will my ... energy? Strength?... into my Gundam and, well, hey, seems to work for me.

She looks like she wants more but she shakes her head suddenly, as if pulling back to herself.  “Ok.  But I’m warning you, I don’t have much energy to pull from my body.  By all practical purposes I’m dead right now. So I’m gonna have to pull a lot from you.  And you WON’T get it back.  In fact, if you make it out of here, you’ll—“

I cut her off by holding up my hand.  “Whatever you need I’ll do it.  I don’t want to hear the background story for everything, ESPECIALLY not what’s up with me.”  I don’t want to leave anyway.  I realize that now. Once I leave, I’m stuck back there again.  But if I don’t leave, I’m stuck here.  So I guess I gotta choose eventually.  But for now, I’d rather work
from the inside out.  And I definitely don’t need to know anything about— Whoa, wait a sec....  Did she just say she’s dead?!  I boggle at her and she shakes her head.

“Long story.  Later.  For now, hold out your hand....”

I do.  She clasps my hand and pulls it close to her heart.  I swallow, realizing how close I am to her breasts.  Sorry, it’s just an automatic thing.  I just wasn’t expecting—

“Duo, give me your life,” she murmurs, her eyes closed, her eyebrows pulled down in concentration as her face scrunches up cutely.

I can’t help a laugh.  “Well, THERE’S a line you hear everyday.  Gotcha.” I close my eyes and try to remember how I’ve always done this before.  I’ve always had Deathscythe before.  But I think I can still do this.  I have to do this.  Why, I don’t know.  But I DO know it’s apparently important.

Besides... without this all I have to think of is....

^^ Relena held out her hand and the she and Heero began to dance in a graceful, content arc around me.  I watched them helplessly, drowning in that freaky Dreamweaver song as it mocked my hopelessness.  They suddenly stepped straight on me, dancing on my chest.  I could feel their shoes press into my skin, aggravating my wounds, but it was my heart that was hurt the
most as I saw them laugh and smile at each other as if they were in love.

Love.

They were in love. ^^

I shake my head but thankfully my Mask never slipped.

I will help Heero and Dori, because I have nothing else to do.  But when that’s done....

“Duo!  You’re not concentrating.  All I’m getting is regret and determination.”

I smirk but she doesn’t see it.  Just as well.

I close my eyes and set myself to the task of giving over my life energy. As it begins to work I feel my very soul sigh and deplete.

Regardless of what I want I have the feeling I won’t be able to survive much more of this shit.  But it doesn’t matter.  I’ll do this.

I’ll do this for Heero. ~

Quatre took a deep breath, looking around the cockpit of Wing Zero.  He closed his large aquamarine eyes and murmured softly, “Lend me strength, Allah,” right before he flicked some switches and glanced at the display screen. Wing Zero waited patiently for Quatre’s decision, but the Arabian couldn’t help hesitating again.  <<What if I really CAN’T control it?  Who will stop me?  Who will KNOW to stop me?  I didn’t tell anyone....>>

Suddenly Quatre thought of Duo wandering the household the last few days he’d seen him.  He’d been unusually withdrawn, which Quatre couldn’t help noticing.  Duo had acted like he’d been in some other world, his eyes always glazed with some other vision.  At the time Quatre thought he should help but he had been distracted by other things so ignored Duo.  Everyone had. Now that Duo may never come back, Quatre felt partially to blame.  He couldn’t worry about doubt right now.  Right now, he had to make up to Duo what he had done wrong in the past.  It wasn’t fair that Duo was always there for them but he wasn’t there for him.

Quatre closed his eyes then determinedly put a and out for the controls. Without watching the screen he typed in Z. E. R. O. and waited for the system to engage. (3)  A few moments later the world around him fell away ad he sat in the cockpit, watching the grids.

He could feel the weight of the Zero System on his mind.  Like a wet blanket of snow covering his entire perspective, the world around him was suddenly tinged with the absolute objectivity of the system.  The hanger Wing Zero was currently sitting in was cold and dark, almost breathing with a malevolently intense deepness.  Quatre’s eyes widened and his breath quickened.  His hands gripped the controls a she felt his hold slip slightly.

It wasn’t that the Zero System was so strong as it was so -absolute-. There was no end to Zero’s awareness—it knew all, it saw all, and told its user what exactly to do with that information.  Quatre gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.  He tried to steady his breathing but found himself failing almost immediately.

A flash of panic ran through him as he thought about how he’d almost killed Trowa, how he HAD killed so many innocents, and what would he do this time?? (4)

The Zero System latched onto the weakness and began feeding Quatre’s mind options.  The world was at his mercy.  He could change everything.  He could stop he war early.  All he had to do was rid Earth and the colonies of the enemy.  It was his duty as a Gundam Pilot to bring death to all the evil people of the world.  He must bring death to—

Quatre’s mind clung to something that caught his attention.

Death.

A flash of Duo laughing spread through Quatre’s consciousness.  Looking to the side he was able to catch Deathscythe in his peripheral vision.  The massive black Gundam stood silently, awaiting the return of its lively pilot.  Quatre’s green eyes narrowed, tinged a lighter blue as he slowly regained control.  Holding onto the edge of the consol as hard as he could, Quatre quickly fed the clues into Zero System’s database.

Cressida.

Sandman.

Somnium Recondo.

Quatre fed anything and everything he could think of and waited.  Zero System “thought” at an incredible speed but even this was giving it problems.  Quatre settled tensely back into his seat as he awaited the appearance of the answer.

His control slowly slipped bit by bit but he was DETERMINED to help Heero and Duo.

No mater what happened to him.

Heero was dreaming.

The dream was so pleasant it was painful.

~ Heero was sitting at his chair, typing on his laptop as he watched for missions and continually upgraded the defense systems of their safehouses and his Gundam.  Duo was on Heero’s bed, throwing small balls of paper at him idly as he listened to some of his favorite music.  Heero was ignoring him on the outside but inside he was getting really agitated at the constant
barrage of paper balls.  Finally unable to ignore the American any longer, Heero caught a ball without looking and threw it back at Duo.

Duo’s eyes widened and he stared incredulously at Heero a moment before laughing.  He shook his head to himself and went back to listening to his music, the paper ball war over for the moment.  Heero watched him a moment but it seemed Duo was completely immersed in his music.  Turning back to his laptop he watched Duo just enough to watch for any threats.

Because he was watching he knew before it hit him that Duo had resumed the paper ball throwing.  Catching the now three-times-enlarged paper ball in his hand, Heero turned slowly until he was staring intently at Duo.  The braided teenager was quite innocently rocking his head to the music, the headphones almost completely buried by his long chestnut bangs, his feet
moving to the music as he lay on Heero’s bed.  If Heero hadn’t known certainly that Duo was the only other one in the room, and if there wasn’t a large pile of torn paper lying right by him, Heero would never have guessed Duo was the culprit.  His innocent bystander act was perfected.

Considering the possibilities, the dreaming-Heero suddenly realized he had full reign of his emotions, as if he’d never been taught to suppress them all his life.  Feeling mischievous, Heero pretended to ignore Duo again and turned to the laptop.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw Duo eye him, inconspicuously rolling another sheet into a large ball.  Smirking on the side of his face that Duo couldn’t see, Heero waited for the perfect opportunity.

Just as Duo stared at the ceiling again, ready to throw the ball at Heero, the Japanese teenager suddenly jumped from the desk.  The rolling chair squeaked in protest, flying into the opposite bed in the room and almost toppling.  Heero POUNCED on Duo, who was looking close to a heart attack at the sudden and very out of character actions.  Heero laughed, a true laugh
that came from deep within.  Duo almost literally sweatdropped, but he didn’t have much chance to do much else before Heero landed on him.  The bed bounced up in down but it didn’t dislodge Heero from Duo’s chest.  He straddled Duo’s torso, his knees holding Duo’s arms down.  Duo boggled up at him, for once completely at a loss.  Heero smirked and removed the blaring headphones from Duo’s ears even as the Deathscythe pilot was stuttering “He—Heero—wha…?”  The look of complete and utter surprise in Duo’s eyes was too much.  Heero laughed then smirked very evilly.  Duo gulped, squirming.
“You’re—you’re going to kill me, aren’t you?”

Heero considered this.  “You’ll be begging for death soon enough.”

Duo, unable to think of an appropriate response, was cut from his thoughts as Heero suddenly started tickling him.  At first Duo just stared, eyes so large they seemed the only thing on his face, before the torture got through his shock.  He started laughing hysterically, squirming around desperately as he tried to yell, “Heero!  Stop!  Wait, stop!  I’m really ticklish!! NOOOO!”  He was twisting his head back and forth, trying with all his might to roll and squirm and plead his way out, but Heero was relentless.

The Wing pilot watched with pleasure as Duo finally seemed to let go of the deep reserves of pain and laughed, just laughed, for once.  Suddenly they didn’t seem like two terrorist murderers on a day off.  They were two friends having fun on a lazy Saturday night.  They were teenagers.

Just teenagers. ~

“Heero!”

Heero snapped awake, a hand already reaching for his gun and trained on the intruder before his eyes were fully open.  Quatre stared back, startled. The second he was coherent (which was very quick) Heero immediately put the gun back in its holster and stared evenly at the Arabian.

Realizing Heero wasn’t particularly in a talkative mood, Quatre hesitatingly cleared his throat.  “Uh... we think we may have found where to find Duo—“

Before Quatre could say anything else, Heero was already closing the laptop he’d apparently fallen asleep at and standing. “We’ll leave immediately.”

Quatre blinked and looked nervous a moment before he said as sternly as he could, “No, Heero, WE will leave immediately and YOU will stay here.”

Heero glared icily at Quatre.  “I can handle this.  If you have a problem I’ll go on my own.”  He stalked to his bed, sifting through his pack for anything he’d need for this mission.

“Heero, you’re exhausted!  You know it, _I_ know it!  I don’t care if you feel up to it or not—you haven’t slept more than 20 minutes in 4 days!  You need to stay here in case something happens and Duo shows up again.”

Heero gave Quatre a Look, knowing damn well that’s what they’d told Wufei the first time simply because the Chinese teenager had been in a decidedly uncooperative mood that day.  If Quatre thought Heero’d pass on a mission simply due to lack of sleep, he was sadly mistaken.

Still, even HEERO had to acknowledge the weariness deep within his bones. He was unnaturally exhausted.  He refused to admit it, but the emotional stress was building on his physical tension, leaving him bereft of his usual reserves of strength.

Quatre saw the determination in Heero’s stance and hurried on.  “You are the strongest of us so it’s important that you’re at your best.  Trowa, Wufei and I will only be confirming the destination.  If we find anything of import we will alert you immediately.  In the meantime you can prepare the logistics for the rescue and brief us when we return.”

Heero looked at Quatre and the sudden movement rolled a sudden wave of exhaustion over his senses.  Knowing Quatre made sense only made his decision easier, though he still couldn’t believe he was agreeing.  “Fine. I’ll continue the search.”

Quatre looked surprised but he immediately hid it with a quick nod.  “Thank you, Heero.  We’ll see you soon.”  He stopped at the door, glancing back with a look that seemed to say ‘you’d BETTER sleep.’  As the door quietly shut behind the Arabian, Heero breathed an inward sigh of relief.  He didn’t know why, but he felt like he just made the very CORRECT choice.

Turning back to his laptop, Heero fully planned to continue his search, but the bed called to him instead.  Reasoning that he could afford a few minutes to recollect his strength, Heero quickly fell back into a deep sleep.

Anybody watching the three teenagers drive down the highway that night would never have guessed how dangerous each was.  The blond was deep in thought as he stared at the darkened road fly beneath the tires.  The stoic long-banged teenager seemed as well to be lost in thought as he watched the signs through the front window.  The Chinese teenager was gripping the wheel as if afraid it would disappear otherwise, his black eyes even darker with some unnamed emotion or thought.

The car was heavy with silence until they reached their destination.

The three teenagers stepped from the vehicle calmly, looking at a factory much like the last one Trowa and Quatre had visited.  Splitting up almost immediately, the three took separate entrances as the waning moon shimmered down at them.  Silently, each teenager padded through the large, empty hallways.  Each had a moment of surprise as they realized no one was in the building but them, or at least it seemed so.  Each darted through long, echoing hallways, ducked into deep, cavernous rooms, and entered generic doorways until, quite suddenly, the three were standing right by each other. Staring at each other a moment, it seemed very strange that somehow they had all been drawn together in such a large factory.  But at that moment,
the blond narrowed his eyes and turned as if something was pulling him one way.  The other two glanced at each other then silently fell in line behind the Arabian.

As he walked, Quatre tried to decipher what was leading him, but couldn’t. He just... felt... that they needed to walk this way....

Suddenly a room was in front of him.  It looked just like all the others they had (5) passed but there was something very foreboding about this particular door, or, rather, what lay behind it.  Hesitatingly, Quatre glanced back at the others, then opened the door.

At first, as his eyes adjusted to the even darker confines of the room, Quatre thought there was nothing inside and he was just being paranoid.  But then his eyes fell on the far corner, where a single cot contained a single occupant.  The figure’s chest rose and fell very shallowly, but there was no wheezing to accompany it.  In fact, there was no sound at all in the room. Even the breathing of the person was almost completely nonexistent.

A searching glance around the room revealed nothing else.  It seemed as if the person had been set in a very remote corner of the building on purpose, like a dungeon without the bars and locks.  But then again, judging by the very slight rise and fall of the chest, it didn’t look like the figure had the energy to leave on his or her own.

Quatre finally couldn’t stand there anymore and strode across the room. Wufei opened the door a little more as he entered closely behind.  “Duo,” Quatre whispered harshly, “We’re here for—“  He cut off very abruptly as his eyes adjusted completely to the light.  Bringing a hand to his mouth, he made a choking sound before turning abruptly away and looking very sick. Wufei was right behind, giving Quatre a strange look until he froze, finally seeing for himself what had stopped the Arabian.

Trowa entered last, seeing Quatre clutching his chest and Wufei staring, completely stunned.  Eyebrows twitching down the slightest bit in confusion, Trowa strode across the room.  When his one visible eye adjusted to the light he stopped as well, though he seemed to take the surprising sight with more grace.  Instead of looking sick or stunned, he simply stared and said
in an even voice, “Holy shit.”

~ Heero slept again, but this time no dreams came to him.  Instead he was simply floating in an everlasting sea of darkness.  As he floated he slowly became aware of a change.  Tiny points of light appeared around him like stars in the deep nothingness of space.  He closed his eyes, letting the emotionless void encompass his mind.

Something pulled at his consciousness.  To his right and far below him one of the points of light pulsed extremely brightly.  He could see and feel its urgency even with his eyes closed.  Frowning in annoyance, he ignored it at first, but it only pulsed faster.  Heero cracked one eye open, judging its worth.  Finally, with a long-suffering sigh, he pushed himself from floating
and swam through the darkness.  The point of light grew brighter but not larger, until it was so bright the world disappeared around him in a brief flash of white.  Then he was standing on something that was hard yet soft, staring into the deepest blackness he’d ever seen, his eyes somehow immediately adjusted from the pure light to the pure dark.  Something seemed
to pull at him from over his left shoulder so he turned around.  He thought he saw an outline of a figure, shimmering slightly as if fading in and out of fuzziness.

He was just about to walk toward it when suddenly he heard a strong whisper echo all around and within him.  Cressida’s voice filled his entire mind as she murmured, “Wake up, Heero.” ~

Heero bolted awake, staring around the room and rubbing at his eyes sleepily.  He was still lying on bed in his room.  He immediately looked at his laptop to see if there had been a message, and that had been what woke him, or had someone come in...?  The black screen of his laptop echoed the emptiness of the room around him.  Frowning, Heero was about to fall back against the pillows and sleep again when something caught his attention.

A chance glance of light from who-knows-where (considering the room was completely dark with no light sources present whatsoever) shined off something directly by him.  Reaching down slowly, Heero brought the object to his face but couldn’t see, even with his sharp vision, in the complete lack of light.  Flipping on his desk lamp, Heero found himself staring at a
pentagram necklace, tinged a deep crimson, with one long piece of chestnut hair woven around its outer circle.  He looked up immediately but knew without looking that the entire house was still empty save him.  As his confused Prussian eyes stared at the charm again he suddenly realized he’d heard a voice as he was waking up.  It was Cressida, saying “Find him… use
this.”

Heero clutched the pentagram firmly in his fist and fought back any emotions that threatened to surface.  He had begun to think the retrieval of the American would be impossible, but with this... maybe....

Wasting no time, Heero wrapped the chain around his wrist, the pentagram still clutched in his almost sharking fist, and lay down again.  Within moments, he was deep within a sleep unlike any he’d had before....

~ The world was dark around him like before, but it was like a structured nothingness.  He stood still a few seconds before he started to walk.  He searched the emptiness for some sign of life other than his own but he saw nothing.  Looking down, he discovered a shadow of the pentagram in his hand.   Nodding in satisfaction, he realized he had stopped.  Just as he was about
to walk again he heard a noise behind him.  He froze, tensing to attack, when suddenly he heard something he had begun to fear he would never hear again....

“Heero...?” a tentative voice asked.

Without realizing what he was doing, Heero spun and froze again.

Staring back at him, looking just as unsure and startled as he felt, was Duo.

Duo.

“Ne, Heero, is that really you...?” came the soft, uncertain voice.

Heero stared a few moments longer before he found himself walking unconsciously toward the other boy, who was staring at him nervously.  When Heero go within a step of the American, Duo started to back up.  Heero blinked, taking in the sight.

Duo looked like shit.  He was agitated, staring at Heero with nervously darting amethyst eyes that refused to meet his gaze for more than a few seconds.  His clothes looked as if they’d been ripped and almost completely destroyed, then sewn back together half-heartedly.  But the thing that caught his attention the most was—

Heero’s hand moved out suddenly, aimed at Duo’s head.  Duo jumped and started to throw himself backwards but Heero already had a hold on his hair. Frowning, the Japanese boy pulled the strands out and watched as they stopped around the American’s shoulders.  Duo was so tense he was almost shaking.  Heero’s gaze snapped over to meet Duo’s but the American was refusing to cooperate.  He stared everywhere but into Heero’s eyes.  Finally Heero reached out and gently guided Duo’s face up until their eyes met.

Heero almost let go at what he saw there.

Fear.

Still, for him, but now, _of_ him too.

Heero suddenly felt something break inside and couldn’t hold out any longer.  What had happened that brought fear to eyes that had always held trust?  Heero felt tears that would never fall prick at the corner of his eyes.  He suddenly reached out and pulled Duo at him, clutching him as if he feared he’d disappear any second.  Burying his face in the place where Duo’s
shoulders and neck met, Heero tried desperately not to cry.

Duo stiffened and panicked at first, flailing and squirming to get away. But when he felt Heero’s silent trembling he stopped and hesitatingly put his arms around his copilot.  Heero suddenly felt Duo’s grip tighten as tears hit his shoulder, and couldn’t hold it in any longer.  Together, the two silently cried in each others’ arms.

Several minutes passed until Heero was able to pull himself together, and several more minutes until he could force himself to let go of Duo long enough to pull away.  Duo wiped at his eyes angrily, looking away and refusing to meet Heero’s gaze at first.  Finally, he turned to Heero and smiled.  Heero felt the world fall away around him and he realized all that mattered was that smile stay on that face.  That nothing else mattered as long as he could see that smile again and again, greeting him everyday.

Before Heero could say anything Duo nodded at him and said wryly, “Well, guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.  After all, you ARE the Perfect Soldier. Figures you’d find a way to crash my party.”

Heero stared at Duo a moment before replying, “Where are you?”

Duo looked surprised then nodded as if he expected that, his eyes darkening.  “Hrm.  Guess you don’t know either.”

Heero frowned but changed subjects, knowing Quatre and the others may be with his body as they spoke.  “Your hair.”

Duo looked at Heero sharply and for one brief moment a look of such anguish and pain flashed through his eyes Heero was unable to breathe.  But almost immediately Duo laughed and tossed his head.  “It was getting in the way.” He refused to say anything more but Heero realized something very important must have happened, because after he said that Duo seemed less comfortable in his presence, and everytime he looked at him he looked suddenly very sad.  Heero wanted to ask but he knew it was something private, and Duo would clearly not answer.

Suddenly, in the midst of dead silence, Duo looked around with large, panicked eyes.  Heero blinked, looking around.  He didn’t detect anything but before he had to ask Duo answered his question.  “Do you hear that?” the American whispered harshly.

Heero strained his ears but there was nothing save deep, almost echoing silence.  “No,” Heero finally answered, searching Duo’s reaction for clues.

He found none.

Suddenly Duo grabbed at his head, sinking to the plane of nothingness that somehow held them up.  Just as abruptly Cressida shimmered into existence between the two.  She looked up at what would be the sky and nearly screamed, “FUCK!  He’s already here!!”

Heero, surprised first by Duo’s reaction and then the sudden appearance of Cressida where no one had been before, was unable to react at first.  Almost immediately he regained control and searched the void surrounding him as he demanded, “Who.”

Cressida turned to him and said urgently, “Canowicakte.  The Sandman.  My father.”  She walked toward him and started pushing.  “Quick!  Before he gets you!”

“But Duo—“

Behind Cressida, Duo clutched desperately at his head and yelled something incomprehensible as he rolled around.  He looked like he was in extreme pain—

“I’ll watch him but you have to leave NOW or he’ll get you too!  The others should have found Duo’s body by now—just go with them.”

Heero looked at Duo over her shoulder but he knew there was nothing he could do for Duo in a world he didn’t understand against an enemy he had no weapon against.  “Aa,” he agreed.

“And Heero—go with the others but if something requires one of you here it can be only you.  And DON’T lose that necklace!  Now GO!”  With that Cressida shoved at Heero.  As he began to fall backwards he realized he was actually “falling awake.”  At the last second he saw Duo completely stiffen, all his cries cut short in a strangled yelp.

Heero tried to yell at Duo but found himself immersed in a thick world of liquid shadows that threatened to suffocate him.  He choked and gasped, pulling the darkness into his body.  Where the shadows touched him it burned.  He squeezed his eyes shut, unconsciously clutching the pentagram tighter.  Suddenly a flash of light originating from the charm and the shadows fell away long enough for him to pull out.

As he woke, a voice from his memories  echoed around him.

“Ne, Heero, is that really you...?” came the soft, uncertain voice as he remembered just mere moments ago when he had been speaking to the boy that was suddenly so dear to him.

“Ne, Heero, is that really you...?” the voice repeated.

It was the sweetest sound Heero had ever heard. ~

“Heero!”  Heero, for the third time that day, bolted awake.  He stared at the large, worried eyes of Quatre.   “Thank Allah!” breathed Quatre thankfully, “I was beginning to fear they’d gotten you too!”

“Where’s Duo?”  Heero looked behind the suddenly nervous Quatre to see the strangely regretful faces of the other two.  Heero scowled.  “You didn’t FIND him?”  Even to him his voice sounded unnaturally harsh.

Wufei watched Heero carefully as he said, “That’s the problem.  We did.”

Heero frowned.  “What do you mean?”

Trowa walked toward Heero and said simply, “There’s something you have to see, Heero.”

Heero looked at the faces of his copilots.  Quatre was looking slightly sick and very guilty while Trowa looked slightly ruffled and Wufei seemed strangely gentle.  Finally he pushed himself up, ignoring the offered condolences of Quatre as he intoned, “Acknowledged.”

As the other three nodded and turned to leave, Heero inconspicuously put the necklace on.  The other three never realized he had it.

~ I was happy to see Heero....

At first.

But then I realized, more and more, that things couldn’t work.  They never could.  Or... could they...?

Ok, I know I say I won’t make it out alive... but even if Heero WILL be with Relena...

I don’t want to leave him.

I didn’t want him to leave.

I never wanted him to leave.

But, Hell, we can’t all have our wishes, can we?

At first, when I saw him, I had this speech.  “Hey Heero, just forget about me, have fun with your life and all that.”  But he looked at me with those eyes and suddenly I wasn’t sure if it was him or another one of the dream-hims.  And it freaked me out.  So I waited to him to show it was him and he wouldn’t do anything and so I asked “Ne, Heero, is that really you...?” and he just stared at me like I was some freak until he started walking like the stumblingly living dead toward me.  I thought, <Oh SHIT! It’s another one of the fakes!> and got paranoid... I started backing away....  But suddenly he was in front of me and he reached his hand out and I KNEW he was going to deck me.  But he didn’t.  I still couldn’t meet his eyes.  What would I see?  Disgust?  Anger?  Or worse—nothing at all??  I backed away but it didn’t matter.  He grabbed my hair and pulled lightly on
it, and I almost wanted to cry right there.

Damnit.

My hair.

I’d almost forgotten....

Then he was grabbing my face and forcing me to look at him and some suicidal part of me decided to chance a glance at his eyes.  What would I see?  What would I see??

I almost cried right there.

Just as I thought, he was looking at me with surprise at first, then disgust.  Then suddenly he pulled me to him and his face was buried in my shoulder and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I was so scared that he was going to hurt me I tried to get away but he held me close.  His arms were so familiar....  Like the warmth of the sun after being confined to the eternity to the darkness of my soul.  I couldn’t help it.  I put my arms around him and clutched back.

Yeah, he probably didn’t mean anything more than checking my strength or something stupidly logical like that.  But I was too emotional and... and I cried... and suddenly I wasn’t aware of anything but my tears falling.  I blacked out and next thing I know, we’re pulling apart.  I realized he’d seen me cry so I pushed the tears from my face roughly.

<You know what he’s thinking right now?> I thought to myself, <He’s weaker than a fucking woman,> as Wufei’d say.  As I thought that I realized not only had Heero seen me cry, he also saw me without my Mask.  I immediately nodded and said jokingly, “Well, guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.  After all, you ARE the Perfect Soldier.  Figures you’d find a way to crash my party.”

He stared at me and asked, “Where are you?”

I was surprised.  I had figured they’d found my body and were guarding it. But then it occurred to me that they probably hadn’t bothered to look. Maybe they thought this was a good way to get rid of me.  Or, even if they didn’t, what made me think they’d bother to look?  Finally I said something about him not knowing... I really don’t know what I said.  I was too lost in thought.

Then he decides to make things even WORSE, which I hadn’t thought was humanly possible.

Trust Heero to find a way.

“Your hair.”  He said so calmly, so emotionlessly, as if noting the weather had turned and it’d probably rain any moment.  I looked sharply at him, unable to stop a quick recap of how I’d lost it replaying through my mind. He looked back at me, startled, and I realized, once more, I’d let the fucking Mask fall.  So I laughed and tossed my head as airily as I could, quipping, “It was getting in the way.”

We didn’t really say anything after that.  He seemed rather unconcerned and I wasn’t in the mood to go into great detail with anything so we just stood there in the quiet.

But as I sat there I realized slowly that it really WASN’T so quiet after all....

At first it was extremely quiet, so soft I didn’t even know what it was, but slowly it gained in volume.

/ Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight /

I think I asked Heero if he heard something but I knew he wouldn’t.  No one else would ever hear that like I did....  I was looking around, trying to see it, trying to find what was happening, when suddenly the world shattered around me and intense pain like an eternal migraine cut through my mind.

/ Exit: Light.
Enter: Night./

I grabbed at my head, trying to squeeze out the sound, but it didn’t do jack shit.  I felt the world compress until it was pushing in on me from every direction.  I fought it uselessly, yelling I don’t even know what, trying to kill the voice of the song before it could kill me.  I was squirming around, throwing myself against the black ground to hopefully knock myself out.  I think I heard yelling and talking but I don’t know. All I could hear was the song.

/ Take my hand
We’re off to never-never land/

Suddenly the world was blank. ~

~ Cressida turned around in useless circles, waiting for him to show his face.

It wasn’t long before she saw him shimmer into existence.

He smirked the slightest bit at her shocked and angered expression.  He was wearing the typical garb of the Last Ritual.  Long, dark robes made of living, liquid-like shadows surrounded him in what resembled a negative halo.  Before his daughter could react he yanked Duo off the ground and wrapped him in his smoldering robes. ~

~ In the distance I hear what sounds like me as a child.  I follow it, unable at first to understand.  As I approach I see myself crouched over a small bed, my small hands pushed together in prayer.  Little-me is in my old room, back when I was in the Church.  Crucifixes hang from the walls and ceiling, painted on the floor and sewn into the bed’s covers.  I stare, seeing the crosses turn and shine in the little bit of light.  The room never looked like this.  It was this room but the crucifixes....

“ /Now I lay me down to sleep,” Little me says suddenly, in a soft voice.

“/ I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake.../ “

The smaller me suddenly stops and looks back at me.  I stumble against the wall behind me, feeling hundreds of razor-sharp crosses digging into my back.  The smaller version of me is dirty, worn, and his hair is matted with blood.  He is smiling at me but what scares the shit out of me is that his eyes have been gouged out.  Large holes stare back, leaking blood down little me’s face as he says in that creepy-ass “innocent-little-kid-about-to-rip-you-to-merry-little-shreds” voice,

“/ I pray the Lord my soul to take./”

Suddenly I realize “Lord” doesn’t mean “God” anymore....~

~ Duo screamed the closer he came to the robes.  His eyes were wide but seeing something only he could imagine.  He didn’t struggle, though, as his physical movements were being controlled by the Lord of the Dreams, the Sandman Canowicakte.  The moment Duo touched the fabric of the robes, he fell completely silent.

Cressida watched in horror as Duo’s eyes fell from the bright violet to a dull, deadened blue-grey.  His body slumped forward, his eyes wide and staring blindly at nothing.  He fell back against Cano, who held him securely within the robes.  Once in awhile Duo’s limbs twitched spasmodically, but it was more reflex than anything.  There was nothing behind his eyes and less and less in even his body Astral dreaming body as his energy was being drained directly.  Overall, he looked like a poorly
used marionette.

“What are you DOING to him?” Cressida heard herself say in a loud, incredulous whisper.

Cano glanced sideways at her.  “This one has a large emotional capacity.”

Cressida’s eyes snapped to Cano’s.  “You’re making him feel the maximum of al his emotions?  Is that what you’ve been DOING to him?!”

Cano just smirked, lying a possessive hand on Duo’s unresponsive head.

“Father, you’ll KILL him!” Cressida shrieked.

Cano shrugged, unperturbed.  “Probably.  But there are more where he came from.”

“Father, PLEASE!” Cressida cried, “You have to stop!  THIS has to stop!  He didn’t do anything—he’s barely even a teenager!—and now you’re going to _KILL_ him?!  What did he do??”  Cressida took an involuntary step forward but Cano’s unyielding eyes met hers and she stopped for far of Duo getting hurt more seeing the promise in his icy black eyes.

“You’ve said before, dear daughter,” his voice held no warmth, “that we have become a dark race.  Our goals have shifted.  We are jaded and shadowed.”

Cressida nodded with no hesitation, unable to trust her voice.

“Humans such as this one,” he roughly pulled Duo’s head back by grabbing a fistful of his ragged hair, his large and dead blue-grey eyes staring blindly at Cressida, “are like a light.  Just by existing light shows where darkness is.(6)”  Cano looked down at Duo with an expression bordering between the disturbing fondness a Master may show his slave, and the disdainful disgust of a superior to the dirt beneath his feet, “ But I am a creature of habit.”  Cano looked back up at Cressida and held her gaze.  “I want to keep this darkness complete.  We must destroy all light.”  He pulled Duo to a full standing position by that same fist in his hair, and suddenly grinned.  “Would you like to see his emotions, Cress?”

She shook her head wordlessly, feeling a hopelessness drive deep within her heart.  She was powerless in front of him....  He was her superior in everything: from power to skill.  All she could do was watch as her pathetic attempts to stop Fate died slowly around her.

Cano ignored her reaction.

Suddenly Duo’s eyes snapped back to life but he was staring at things only he could see.  Grief, regret, pain and self-loathing filled his expression as mindless tears streaked his agonized face.  He was shaking his head, the short wisps of hair left from his once long and beautiful braid brushing his chin.

“No!  I’m sorry—I had to!  Stop it!  Leave me alone!  STOP IT!!” he screamed, his voice breaking.

“What are you showing him?” Cressida asked quietly, hoping only to share his grief and understand his pain.

Cano cocked an eyebrow.  “Dear daughter, and here you were claiming to be different than the rest.”  He raised a hand to stall her protests. “I am showing him what he tried to ignore.  I’m simply showing him his mistakes.”

“Such as...?” Cressida found herself asking, but she really didn’t want to hear the answer.

“Turn and see,” Cano said softly, like someone admiring a particularly striking work of art.  He flourished a hand and as he turned the blackness of the world fell away to reveal an environment that was misty and dirty, yet too crystalline to exist in reality.  Magical motes of light sparked to life than died almost immediately, drifting to the ground and slowly giving depth to the foggy nothingness.  Upon the ground were the dead leaves of Autumn, frosted slightly over by the coming of winter.  Gravestones surrounded them and the air sighed and crackled like an old, dying man’s last breath.  Far off trees were nothing but hapless blobs while closer gravestones were so incredibly detailed they hurt to look at and seemed imprinted in the brain no matter what was looked at afterward.

A few yards away from Cano and Cressida and Duo’s metaphysical body stood Duo’s inner self, standing by a younger version of himself who was sitting calmly on a gravestone.  All around the, bodies were jerkily rising from the ground.  Several had already crowded around the American.  Before Cressida could react, Cano smiled calmly at her and twisted his hand.  She suddenly felt all the muscles in her body contract and a shimmering tube of soul-draining energy spun into existence around her.  She felt her strength fade even as she struggled against the Paralyzation Spell.  All she could do was watch as Duo struggled to free himself from a fate worse than death.

Deep within, she lent him all the strength she could.  But when Cano saw her trying to help he shot an annoyed glance her way.  Suddenly the magical tube that had been confining her shrank.  She felt bones that didn’t exist begin to pop and break.  She screamed but her voice was lost in the nothingness of the tube.  Her entire “body” flashed once, twice, three times as she threw all the energy she could into escaping.

Still, she broke.

After the third try she realized it was useless.  With the very last reserves of strength in her she tried to send her soul at Duo to strengthen him.  She felt herself rise from the last body she could leave behind.  Her physical body she could leave and still live in the Dream land because she was a Dreamer that could exist as a metaphysical body and a soul only.  Cano had known that and was simply toying with her by killing her body.  She knew to him it was mostly a punishment for trying to interfere.  But he hadn’t thought of the consequence.  Because of that she had more energy to exert in the Dream area, which had allowed her to find her help... Duo.  But now even her metaphysical body was being attacked, and, while she could live only as a soul, she had to be encased or she would burn away like a dying flame.  As she left her metaphysical Astral body she felt her being lighten and suddenly she was floating.  Her body behind her suddenly collapsed inwardly, blood spraying the walls of the magical tube as she was mangled beyond any recognition.  Her perspective shifted and suddenly expanded.  She floated
determinedly toward Duo’s inner self, who was so distracted by what he was seeing he didn’t see her until it was too late.

Just as he looked up, Cressida’s soul felt a shift of power behind her.

Too late, she tried to bounce away.  Suddenly the world around her consciousness swirled an angry splash of ebony and crimson, and she felt herself getting pulled back.  She shifted her focus and saw Cano summoning her soul to the jewel that held her mother’s soul as well.  Struggling, Cressida’s soul almost freed itself before Cano strengthened his pull and she was yanked into the stone that would forever drain her to within an inch of her existence, yet let her “live” so she could always feed her new
Master.

~ The crosses suddenly crack and pop, and from within thick blood begins to seep out.  I choke, trying not to throw up as little me giggles happily. Little me spreads his hands and suddenly I’m not in the room anymore but instead in the middle of a misty cemetery.  I look around but all I can see is dying grey.  In the background I hear music I try to ignore.

/ Hush little baby, don’t say a word
And never mind that noise you heard /

“What do you want from me?” I ask Little Me but Little Me just giggles.

I stare at me then start to back up when I hear a noise.  I look around but there is nothing.  Until....

/It’s just the beast under your bed
In your closet, in your head /

A body suddenly rises from the ground.  It’s a young Oz soldier, a bullet hole ripped through his chest, blood staining the front of his uniform.  His eyes are large and glazed over, still caught in the surprise of death.  He turns those blind eyes to me and starts shiftily walking toward me.

“My name is Rick,” he says in a voice that sounds like a million and one whispers collecting from around me and forming one, agonized hum, “Rick Anderson.  I was going to turn 18 in a week.  My girlfriend told me she loved me and she had something to tell me right before the fight.”  The dead boy, Rick, takes another shaky step at me then suddenly cocks his head, “She said she was pregnant.  She said she wanted to marry me.”  I swallow convulsively and back up.  Rick takes another few steps forward and I back away again.  “She said she loved me.  I told her nothing would stop me from returning.”  I take another step back, “But then a boy with a long braid came around the hallway.  I was ordered to shoot, so I did.  He didn’t mind shooting me back.  When I felt the bullet rip through my chest, I closed my eyes and whispered her name.”  The boy holds a hand to his chest.  “Adelle, I said.  Adelle, I love you.  And as I died, the boy ran past, already forgetting about me.”

I shake my head wordlessly and back away as Rick comes closer but suddenly I bump into something else behind me.  I spin to see a man that was probably in his 40’s before the fire that left him burnt and partially deformed must have killed him.  “Andrew Miller.  I had a wife and two girls.  I had just turned a grandfather a year before I died.  Her name was Maria Andrea. Luci, my oldest, told me she named her daughter after me.  She said she wanted to give Maria the best life possible so she moved with me near the base.  My wife Anne and other daughter Lynn came with.  I was called into the base at night for some check up tests, but since it was my 42nd birthday the next day my family came for a surprise party.  I knew they were going to do it. They did it every year.  But it was tradition.”  Andrew’s hands grip my shirt and I can hear his skin crackle and shift.  He smells like burnt hair and flesh.  I nearly throw up.  “We never had a chance to live.  The base was destroyed without a second thought.  Just before I died I looked out a window and saw it.  A Gundam.  A black Gundam with a scythe....”  His voice echoes like Rick’s.  I try to push Andrew away but then I feel a tug and I look down.

A little girl stares up at me with wide eyes.  Her blond hair is dingy and straggly.  She blinks and rubs at her eyes.  “Hey Mister, have you seen my Mommy?” she squeaks and her voice is just like a child’s, without the echoing whispers.  I feel my heart stop and a violent shiver runs all the way through my body.

An orphan?

She looks just like I—

“I’m looking for Mommy.  There were lights flashing and Mommy said stay close and I tried but I saw a really pretty doll in a window so I went to see and then Mommy was screaming and then she was lying on the ground, sleeping.  So I told her to wake up because I wanted a dolly and she wouldn’t.”  The little girl’s face furrows as she pouts.  “So,” she rubs her eyes again, “I went to look for Daddy so he could wake Mommy up but I knew he was in the Big Place where the Big People Talk a lot and don’t want me to hear.”  The little girl rocks back and forth bouncily and I resist the urge to throw up.  <What have I done?>  “Then I saw pretty fireworks so I ran at them and there were all these big ugly dolls fighting other bigger ugly dolls.”  The little girl concentrates.  “And then I saw the fireworks get closer and there was a big boom near me so I ran but this big dark dolly with a funny-looking stick that glowed on the end hit another dolly near me and then,” she scrunches her face up, “it hurt and then I was here.  So... umm... have you seen my Mommy, Mister?  I want to tell her I want that dolly....”

I try to run from her but I’m caught by others that reach out and tug on my clothes, my hair, my arms and legs.  I shake my head but they are still there.  All their voices, all their stories, all their lives....

“No!  I’m sorry—I had to!  Stop it!  Leave me alone!  STOP IT!!” I scream and hear my voice break, but it doesn’t stop.  My yelling seems to attract more and more bodies as they rise from the ground.  I look around helplessly and suddenly see what looks like a ghost-like, shiny version of Dori in the distance.  But as soon as I see her she starts struggling and is sucked back to that huge guy in black.  She looks at me helplessly and just before she disappears I see her hopelessness.

I swallow as I see the guy in black smile at me happily and pat something in his arms.  I look down and see...

Myself?!

I shudder and the voices get louder, the stories stronger and more important until I actually start not only SEEING but also LIVING parts of them.  Here I am Darien, home from another day at work, smiling at my daughter Kelly and telling her once more that, even though me and Mom split up it wasn’t because of her.  Here I am Ariel, one of the few female officers of the base, laughing as I talk with my elderly mother who is living off my wage.  Here I am Susan and Simon, twins who were new soldiers ordered to take on a Gundam but killed almost instantly by a scythe ripping through my mobile suit’s middle.

I crumple to the ground, feeling all traces of hope leave me.

As I close my eyes I see a flash of each of my friends.  Will it matter to them when I die?  Will I have a funeral?  Will anyone come?  Will they find my body?

It’s morbid to think of my death but I know I have to accept it.  I thought for a long time there that I could ignore it, but now I realize there is no way.

Closing my eyes, I do the only thing I can think of.  <Shinigami,> I pray, <You are my One and True God.  You are the only thing consistent, the only thing I can trust in this world and life.  Please find me worthy enough for your Ultimate Touch.  Please take me before I am taken, Shinigami.>  I feel myself descend to death.

Suddenly I feel a pressure on my right hand and a flash of Heero breaks into my mind....~

It took them longer than they’d hoped to return to the exact room, but this time it wasn’t as if they were being pulled anymore.  Heero walked directly behind Quatre, wishing he could lead so he felt like he was doing SOMETHING productive, but knowing he had no clue where to even start looking.  As they passed down yet another generic hall lined in even more generic doors he felt a sudden intense pang of fear.  Eyes widening, he urged Quatre on but the Arabian seemed to have felt it too as he had doubled his pace immediately.  They burst through the doorway into the remote room, Quatre standing by the entry and flipping on the light as Heero rushed across the room to the cot.

With the light changing he had to refocus and when he did, what he saw made him stumble to a stop and nearly throw up.  He didn’t notice the other three leaving the room to give him his time alone.

What was lying on the bed may once have been Duo.  It was probably his height, but it looked to be 80 or 90 years old.  Its skin was papery and a dull green-grey that looked like dirty moss in a cheapened sea.  Its hair a dirty white that was cut off raggedly between the chin and shoulders. Beside the creature lay the rest of the braid, that still the healthy and beautiful chestnut brown that Heero never realized until that moment how incredibly captivating it was.  The clothes looked as rumpled and dirty as Heero had seen in that dream place he visited.  The creature looked like it had been tortured.  Its body was burnt across the front, and seemed to have been beaten on the rest with stray cuts.

But what was even more disturbing was the eyes.

The creature was staring straight ahead, its eyes blind and unseeing and slowly drying out.  Instead of the spark of life there was only death.  A glaze covered their dead blue-grey color that looked nothing near the cobalt-amethyst sparkle that usually shined brilliantly with humor and energy.  And, caught like a movie looped forevermore on the same few seconds, ingrained within the eyes was the heaviest, most heart-stopping agony Heero had ever seen in all his years as an assassin and terrorist.  It was as if someone had taken every part of Duo’s life where he had been hurt or in pain, and combined it all into one look that would forever be burned into his lifeless eyes.

Were it not for the slow rising and fall of his chest, or the lethargic beating of his heart, Heero would have believed Duo was dead.

As it was, it was hard to believe he lived somewhere within that decrepit, tortured body.

Swallowing, Heero pulled Duo’s torso gently off the bed and sat on the cot, leaning against the wall.  He placed Duo back on his lap and was disgusted to find large chunks of seemingly decomposing skin falling off at even that small amount of movement.

Gritting his teeth, Heero clutched Duo as tightly as he dared.  <What now?> he thought helplessly, staring at Duo’s ruined body, <Even if we DID get him out here, he’d never want to live in this... this... this SHELL!> Heero thought disgustedly.

His jaw clenched even tighter and Heero narrowed his eyes to lethal slits. Not knowing what else to do but wait, he suddenly felt a pressure against his chest that he wasn’t used to.  Blinking, it took him a moment to remember the necklace.  Reaching under his tank top, Heero unclasped the pentagram necklace, holding it in his hand helplessly.  He stared at it a moment before slowly pulling Duo’s right hand gently over to him.  He pried the crusty fingers opened and placed the necklace in his friend’s palm, pressing Duo’s fingers closed over it.

There was a push to the air, like a loud vibration with no sound that traveled all the way through Heero’s body, seemingly emitting from Duo’s helpless form.  Almost immediately Duo’s eyes snapped back to life and he was staring not with the dead blue-grey eyes at Heero with his lively, lovely violet eyes that sparkled and shined even in the dim lighting.  Heero felt his hope rise until it filled every part of him.  Duo looked surprised then his eyes caught Heero’s and he looked overjoyed, relieved, hesitant, happy, confused....  It was such a joy to see all those emotions again after staring at the dead blue-greyness that seemed a dark reflection of the boy Heero was slowly beginning to realize he cared very much for.  Duo smiled and said in his normal voice, despite the old and decrepit body it came from, “Oi, Heero... figures....”  His amethyst eyes were laughing merrily up at Heero and suddenly Heero knew it would be ok.  He KNEW they could figure something out—ANYTHING out—and in the end it would be ok.  Because he had Duo.  And that was all he needed to he happy.

Just Duo.

It was really only a few seconds from when Duo came conscious again to when he spoke.  The emotions that passed through his eyes, the smile, the laughter emitting from him—it was all very fast and brief.  Heero opened his mouth to say something, anything, back to his newly found treasure when that same vibration-without-sound shot through Heero’s body.  Duo’s eyes suddenly widened in fear and denial, his entire body taking on an “Oh SHIT!” look moments before a powerful jolt of white-hot blue lightning raced through his old body.  Duo arched up, his eyes glazing over in intense pain as he stared at Heero, never losing focus, conveying wordlessly Duo’s care that he never expressed.   The lightning flashed again through Duo’s body and Duo opened his mouth wide in an eternal, wordless scream before his body fell to ash right in Heero’s startled arms.

--to be continued BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ais: Whassat?  ME?!  I’m SHOCKED and AMAZED that you think I have ANYTHING to do with any of this!  It’s all the antagonist’s fault!  Not mine at all! NONE! *cough fidget*

Duo: *guh-LARES at everyone with the rarely seen Shinigami  “I’m gonna scythe your ass so fast you won’t even have time to THINK of running… assuming you see my approach in the first place” Glare of Ultimate Demise*

Ais: HOLY SHIT! He’s serious guys!! *ducks under a rug*

Miyeru: Ehh heh heh think I’d better go check on the popcorn.... *poofs away as fast as she can*

Trinity: Yeah and… I have to…umm…sharpen my dagger…. *bolts*

SilverWave: Been meaning to check out this one manga…. *runs away in a puff of smoke*

PhoenixDragon: *promptly assumes the sleeping position* Zzzzzzz….

Duo: *grins very evilly at the audience* You’d better believe I _WILL_ get them back for this fic....  Trust me.  They’ll pay....  *rubs his hands together in anticipation as he fades from the scene*

*50 minutes later*

Ais: *peeking out from under rug* Eh heh heh… -_-;; ... sorry about that... back to the fic... *glances around nervously, swallowing audibly as she and her muses slowly return to the computer to continue with the story, now THOROUGHLY paranoid*

(2) According to the Babylonians and Assyrians, “... Overseeing them all was Shamash, god of the sun, Lord of Vision, the divine creator of dreams.  All dream deities were under His control.” --“Dreaming the Divine” by Scott Cunningham, pg 49. (In other words, no, I’m NOT just pulling names and stuff out of my ass ^_~ ... all the time. *cough*)

(3) It’s been so long since I watched the series and I don’t have it so if ANY of this is wrong _PLEASE_ tell me so I can make it accurate!  Arigatou!! ^_^ (FYI, it was the role of ZS in this that made it take so long for this part to come out.  I didn’t want to write it but I needed to ^_~)

(4)You may notice how strange of a timeline this must be.  The war is still going, yet they’re in a downtime... Quatre’s already piloted Zero System and blew up that colony yet this is before his other time aound ep 49ish... etc...  Well, the only thing I can say is: a) I don’t have the series so I can’t find you the exact episode this would be in. b) This doesn’t entirely follow the series exactly... I’m taking some fanfic writer liberties ^_^ c)Umm... just use your imagination and place them in that spot.  If it
wasn’t a downtime, and Quatre HADN’T yet piloted Zero System, it would seriously mess up my storyline... so I just kinda pick and choose I s’pose. Although, on another note, if anyone more versed in the series can find me a place in the show where this could possibly have happened I love you and lemme know! (either reply to this addy or send to [email protected]) Thanks!  Now, back to the story... sorry about that interjection. Actually, this is kinda an AU anyway.

(5) GOMEN NASAI!  I just HAD to comment!!  *pant pant*  I was listening to “Walk This Earth Alone” by Lauren Christy, chillin’ at my computer which is right by my bed (I mean RIGHT BY... so much that I sit on my bed while I type) when, quite suddenly, at this exact moment in the story where I stuck this footnote marker, I felt something hit me.  I looked over, realizing it had fallen into the garbage (whatever “it” was) and thought at first someone had thrown a candy bar at me that had fallen out of its packaging since I saw a wrapper on top.  But I knew that didn’t make sense so I dug down and there it was.  I don’t know if any of you know much about Turkey but my roommate is from there and awhile ago she gave me this ... well, it almost
looks like a Christmas ornament like those shiny balls... except its see-through blue with a silver holed casing around it, with several blue “eyes” (they’re white disks with two smaller blue disks on top) that represent evil eyes to keep away the bad dreams and rumors about you.  I looked up... I had taped it under my shelf directly above my bed.  All the tape was still there... it was like it somehow slipped out and somehow flew at me instead of bouncing straight down to the garbage which makes more sense.  CREEPY!  Think it’s a sign.  Ok, ok, I bet no one else finds that nearly as scary as me.  But to me... *shudder* it was totally freaky ^_~ Sorry for that interruption... go back to the story now!  Go!  Go!  (And, btw, I’m making this section w/ QTW very... Curt? Not as detailed as normal?... for a reason.)

(6) That’s a Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou quote.  Arima talking to Miyazawa. Don’t remember what episode.

Darkest Emotion