I mean, I know I'm dreaming... but why?  And how?  Shit, even my WORST nightmares were never this bad!  I just... really hate the idea of being here forever.  Of knowing I'll never be sure of the world around me.  I mean, fuck, what did I do?!  No, that's NOT tears in my voice.  You're wrong.  It's... it's anger.  Just anger.

    So anyway, since I don't like the idea that I'm stuck here, I'll assume I won't be.

    Really, I can't ACTUALLY be stuck in a Dreamworld, right?  That's impossible, isn't it?  ...  Right...?

    Besides, even if I WAS, which I'm NOT!, there's gotta be some hope.  Like Quatre, right?  He wouldn't leave me in here.  He's too caring... and I'd LIKE to think the others, not even Wufei or Heero, wouldn't let me rot in a hellhole. They'd see me lying there, right?  Back in my hotel room.  I mean, they'd HAVE to find me there eventua-

    Oh fuck.

    I just thought of something.

    If I'm here...

    ... where is my body?

    And what are they doing to it? ~

    Heero watched the light play from the computer screen more than he watched what was on the screen itself.  Hours had passed and he was still where he started: completely bereft of any idea on how to continue.  He'd tried searches of everything from highly confidential to highly public information, cross referencing Somnium Recondo and every other term Cressida had thrown their way.  Still, nothing came of it.  He knew there was an important detail he was missing but for the life of him he couldn't think what.

    Narrowing his eyes, Heero forced himself to focus.  However, his thoughts changed slightly.  Hours?  It'd been more like days... weeks... months.  Not since he started this computer search, but since he'd started a very different sort of quest.

    Duo.

    The name slipped through his mind intimately, comfortably.  He'd become so used to the braided baka he'd started to, on some weak level, look forward to seeing him.

    Why?  There was no logical reason.  In fact, if anything, the very idea defied logic.  Duo was just another team player in the greater war.  He was a loose cannon at times but always seemed to know which side to be loyal to.  He was a good pilot, but so were the others and Heero didn't look forward to seeing THEM.  

    Besides, there HAD to be something wrong with a boy that talked and smiled and joked so much when he knew he could be called on to kill hundreds at any second.  Something had to be deranged in someone who called themselves Shinigami, God of Death.  And if those weren't enough, Duo had other strange quirks.  Like that totally ridiculous, completely useless braid of his.  It only got in the way, so why did he keep it?

    Why.  Somehow the `why' had changed from why Duo to whys ABOUT Duo.

    “Why?!” Heero hissed in a mixture of annoyance, anger and frustration.  What was so important about Duo that distracted him from his missions?  What did he see in the annoying American that did this to him?!

    <It's what I DON'T see> a small part of Heero whispered wonderingly.

    Heero frowned slightly, staring at his ghosted reflection through the screen.  <Don't see?>  Heero closed his eyes and tried to remember... remember the day he first noticed.

^^    Heero was on the laptop, typing mindlessly as he watched for another mission.  It wasn't that he had to be there, that he really even expected a mission to appear, but rather that he had no other place to be.  While the other pilots seemed to find recreational activities anywhere, Heero was always at a loss.

    What does the Perfect Soldier do when not fighting?

    He lived only for battled, so when there was no battle he could only exist until he was needed once more.  It was the only way Heero knew how to survive.

    Shaking his head mentally, Heero tried to refocus on the laptop even as he acknowledged to himself that he wasn't getting anything accomplished.  Just as Heero was considering what to do next he heard the door open behind him.  He looked at the reflection in his screen, and though he couldn't see clearly who it was, he knew.

    Duo.

    The name came out nearly in a growl in his mind.

    “Oi, Heero!  Whatcha doin?  Looking at porn or something?” came the cheerful, playful voice a few feet away.  The sound of the door shutting was closely followed by Duo padding over by the Japanese pilot.

    Heero ignored him.

    “Quatre was talking about doing something later on since it seems we're in a lull right now, but I told him no one but he and I would go.  That's no fun.  So I said I'd come get you and we'd figure out if we want to do anything and then we'll all get together and decide.  There shouldn't be a mission....”

    Heero continued to type.

    Duo's frown emitted from his entire body as he paused a few steps away in a position where he saw Heero's face and not the laptop's glowing screen.  “Yo, Hee-man!  Ya listening to me?  I said you need to come with me, ok?”

    Heero didn't even glance over.

    Duo growled deep within his throat, almost too quiet to hear.  “Heero, there aren't any missions.  Would you stop ignoring me and loosen up for once?”

    No answer.

    “I'm serious about this, Heero,” came Duo's deadly solemn tone, “you need to stop being such an introvert.  I can't even tell if you're listening, it's like talking to a wall.  Just nod or even twitch or something.”

    Heero continued to type without giving any reaction whatsoever-not even a blink.

    Angered, Duo madly waved his hands between the screen and Heero's eyes.  “Li-sten-to-me!” he cried. “I'm-talk-ing-to-you!”  Heero stopped typing long enough to swiftly grab Duo's wrists and push him roughly away.  Then he immediately went back to the keyboard.

    Duo stumbled into the edge of the bed and paused.  Through his peripheral vision Heero could see Duo crouch, tense, like an alley cat about to pounce.  Deciding there was no threat from Duo save annoyance he ignored him.  Duo left suddenly.

    A few minutes passed quietly.  Heero let his mind wander as he typed but there was nowhere for it to wander to so he just stared.  The sound of the keys typing calmed him like no other sound save battles could.  

    Suddenly ice cold water sprayed on his side.  Heero stopped typing in shock, his hands falling to the table as he slowly looked toward the source.  Duo was just throwing a plastic bucket down.  Before Heero had decided how to react, Duo slammed Heero's laptop shut and threw it angrily and forcefully at the bed.  The computer bounced once, twice, and landed cock-eyed on a pillow, never striking anything hard.  The cords plugging it into the wall were unaffected, luckily for Duo.

    Heero's gaze snapped to Duo's amethyst-cobalt eyes.  Icy anger emitted from Heero but only cold determination and something else that made Duo's eyes shimmer suspiciously came from the other.  “Duuooo” growled Heero menacingly, glaring death, torture and eternal hell at the American.

    “Life isn't a God-damned _MISSION_, Heero!” Duo yelled at him, his braid flying like an agitated cat's twitching tail.  “You need to leave your fucking Gundam and join us in the real world once in awhile!”  Heero stood, ignoring his soaked clothing. Duo stood his ground as Heero slowly approached, but the American wasn't done yet.  “Of course there's a war!  Of course we're here to combat it!  But, fuck, Heero, you can't live only on the battlefield!  Stop on over into humanity-the water's fucking FINE!”  Duo leaned forward, his eyes ablaze with raw anger.  “So, STOP,” he poked Heero roughly in the chest, “BEING.  _AFRAID_!!”  Heero stiffened and froze at Duo's last words.  The braided teenager leaned back, still glaring angrily at his Japanese copilot.

    <Afraid,> whispered a suspiciously frightened-sounding voice.

    <I'm not afraid,> countered another voice sternly.

    <Perfect Soldiers don't know fear.>  It sounded like a mantra.

    <I'm not afraid> growled the second voice, but it faltered slightly.

    “I'm not afraid!” Heero yelled suddenly, shoving at Duo's chest.  He didn't know what he wanted to do exactly, just that he needed to assure himself that he wasn't afraid and the best way to do that was to attack the source of the accusation.

    Duo fell onto the bed but jumped right back up, pushing at Heero.  His amethyst eyes were burning with emotions.  “You ARE...” Duo said lowly, “and the funniest thing is, you're too _AFRAID_ to admit it.”  Duo's eyes narrowed and he smirked-SMIRKED!-at Heero, who drew in a breath, gritted his teeth, and clenched his fists.  Heero's entire body shook with anger.  “You don't trust anyone, not even yourself,” continued Duo in a soft, dangerous voice, “But you're too damn uptight to admit it, so you pretend you aren't and hole yourself off so no one notices.  But you know what, Heero?  You're a shitty actor. I know how weak you are inside.  So why don't you-“  Duo never got to finish his enraged rant.  Angered beyond belief at his word, Heero couldn't take he accusations anymore.

    “I'm not weak!” Heero nearly screamed at Duo, punching him in the stomach and attacking his unprotected back.  Duo let out a surprised “off,” then crumpled to the floor.  Heero fell on him blindly, hitting at his back and shoulders and arms mindlessly, not even knowing anymore what he was doing.  All that mattered was he destroyed the demon before him who spoke words too close to the truth that even he himself refused to acknowledge.

    The demon stirred and began fighting back.  Heero was still getting more hits in but the demon was hitting back as well.  Heero was hit in the head with just the angle and strength that, for the briefest of moments, he was stunned.  A normal person would have missed the window, but not the demon.

    Heero was thrown onto his back, the demon leaning over him, panting as it tried to regain its breath, holding Heero's arms down with its hands.  Heero was about to throw the demon off when he felt it.

    A soft pressure across his chest.

    Heero looked down.

    A braid.

    Blinking, Heero looked up at the demon and remembered who it was-

    Duo Maxwell.

    Duo's amethyst eyes were only inches from Heero's , their breath mingling in the air between them.  Duo continued to hold Heero's arms down but suddenly he collapsed on Heero, still trying to catch his breath.  “There... see... happy... now?” Duo gasped, talking into Heero's chest.  He rolled off and lay on his back right next to the stunned Japanese boy.  The room was quiet for a moment, then...

    Duo worked his jaw and laughed.  “Shit Heero, remind me never to fight you again.  You're too damn powerful.”

    Heero blinked and pushed himself up, staring at Duo.  A few bruises were already starting to bloom across his neck and face and when Duo sat up as well he moved gingerly, as if his whole torso ached.  Duo glanced over and caught Heero's gaze.  “Don't be.”

    Heero blinked and spoke quietly, “What?”

    Duo smiled at Heero.  “Don't be sorry, don't be afraid.  We're here for ya, K?  I'M here for ya.”  Duo pushed himself up awkwardly and ruffled a startled Heero's hair.  “Always, ok?” Duo slowly made his way to the door.  Heero could see by how he slouched that he was really hurt but he was trying to ignore it.  Just before Duo existed the room he paused.  “Think I'm gonna watch a movie tonight.  Come down in a bit and I'll let you help choose.  We have about anything you could imagine...” Duo winked at Heero, “Even a Perfect Soldier with a Perfect Imagination like you will have fun.”  Before Heero could react, the American disappeared.

    Heero looked down, gauging his wounds.  They weren't as bad as he thought they'd be.  While Heero had been intent on beating the living shit out of Duo, the American had aimed his blows only to relieve some of the pressure on himself.  Duo left no lasting mark or wound on Heero, not even the head.

    Heero looked back up thoughtfully at the doorway.

    Something bothered him.

    Something REALLY bothered him.  Suddenly Heero realized what it was.

    Fear.

    Heero had never seen fear in Duo's eyes.

    Everyone was afraid of Heero... even Relena, even his copilots to a point.  They saw a single-mindedness they couldn't understand... they saw the war in his eyes... machine in his actions....  Relena watched Heero with eyes clouded with a love for adventure and a reality only she saw, where Heero stayed at her side forever and the world lived in happiness.  But still, when Heero spoke roughly to her, when he denied her requests, her eyes flashed with fear.  She didn't understand him, and she never would.  The world depended on it.

    His copilots were afraid of him less, but he had seen it in each of them at one point or another.  Eyes shuttering, mouths quirking, eyebrows twitching, even just a slight tenseness of muscles or the slight scent of sweat.  Heero knew how to look for fear, he'd been trained to find weaknesses and exploit them first as an assassin and later as a pilot.  Still, now that he thought of it, Heero realized there had been one person who had never shown fear OF Heero...

    He'd seen acceptance, and fear FOR Heero, but not fear OF.  Heero frowned, wondering what that meant, when he felt an alien warmth spring from within.  The thought of belonging suddenly seemed very important-

    No.

    Heero wouldn't let this happen.

    He wouldn't be distracted.

    He COULDN'T be distracted!

    His eyes slid over to the cock-eyed laptop.

   “Heero, there aren't any missions!” Duo's voice seemed to float around him, ”You need to leave your fucking Gundam and join us in the real world once in awhile!”

    Heero frowned, thinking how stupid it was to even bother listening to the American idiot.

    That night, Heero came down early and helped Duo choose a movie.

    He made contradicting comments and continually explained how this and that would never work, but that only made Duo laugh gleefully and even throw popcorn at him once in awhile.

    Heero watched the entire movie.

    Even the credits. ^^

    Heero frowned thoughtfully.  <Masaka> (1)  There was no way Duo had been trying to tell him even then that he l-

    Heero swallowed almost audibly and stared at the screen.  <Masaka> he thought again, an unknown feeling welling unnervingly from within.  Heero tried to push it from his mind but it returned again and again, more forcefully each time.

    Uncertainty.

    Heero didn't know how to feel about the thought of Duo caring for him.

    That scared him more than anything had in a very long time.

(1) Impossible/Never

Darkest Emotion