A new beginning. Or so it seems. Time to dust off the cobwebs from my brain and reinvent myself. Ive learned that everyone takes time to do this now and then as they just get bored with the same old crap day in and day out. Its not really a reinvention more like a homecoming. Time to do the things ive been putting off. And time to take the place i deserve in life. The past has been learned from and discarded. The present is ever molding in front of my eyes. And the future is mine to command.

Well...not much going on today. I still dont care about my life. But others in my world are making me use my emotions. Weather i want to or not. Just met someone else last night that is hell bent on helping me. What is it with me and drawing people out. I didnt ask for anyone to help me. But i have no choice but to try now. Cause I cant disappoint them. And i cant disappoint myself any more. But i still think they are wasting their time. I cant believe my life has turned out like this. Everything used to be so easy. I used to be able to help anyone i met. I used to care about people. Used to care what they felt...how they thought. Used to control the world in the palm of my hand. But then what teenager dosent think the world is his to shape and mold. But it takes very little to destroy his world. Well little to destroy mine at least. Evil has a new name to this little boy. And that is women. He didnt know why they destroyed his heart. Why they ripped his very soul from him. And so he stopped helping...stopped caring. Stopped giving a damn. Ignored the world. And watched his fall apart. And so...he no longer helped people...he lost track of friends...people that ment so much to him. And that killed even more of his world. Till it was utterly destroyed. And he was left with nothing but darkness. And hate. Sigh...but that is a story that runs deep. And i dont want to fill this page up with past bs. Anyways it seems the tables have turned. And now im the one who needs help. But do i really want it.....

Sigh.....thats all...just sigh. I think im forever going to be reliving my crappy childhood. Never to grow up. Never to lose this bitterness. How could one small event...just mess things up so much. Well it wasnt really just one...i suppose everything just built up to it. But it was that one...that just made everything fly off the handle. And now im just lost in a sea of nothingness. I have no idea what to do. Other than what ive always been doing. Just shut it all away and keep trudging along. Pretending to have a life i know nothing about. And wishing for a life i have no idea how to reach. Blah. Time to drown in alcohol again. What's on tonites menu.....

Well now. Two entries in a day. Either a boring day...or a bad day. Guess i was just up for too damn long. Almost decided to go play in traffic today. Just for fun. Some days just work out to be worse than others. But no matter. Their all just a lil part of my personal hell. And in some sick twisted way i dont know what i would do without them. I dont know how to be normal anymore. Am i the only one who relizes this. Or am i the only one in the dark right now. Some days i wonder why i even bother. Course those days are usually the ones when theres no one talking to me. I guess though im the only one with no life. Dosent suprise me. Hrmmm....well...loosing interest in typing anything else. Big suprise. Time to go jump into nothingness.

And the drama continues. Well when dosent it. No one online....no one here. Crap crappity crap crap crap. Oh well. Wonder how many cars will swerve before i would hit one.....hmmm. Might be fun. But im sure i can be more creative than that. Time for another hit...blah.

Why does life have to be this way. Why cant i bring myself out of this slump. I fear I am doomed. Doomed to never feel...that touch. Listen to another's heartbeat. And hear yours...and know they beat for each other. Hear a sigh....and know that its just a sigh. That there's nothing wrong. That no matter what....your both here. And all that matters is right now. That your together. To hear the birds...feel the rain...listen to the very earth. And to know that there is something around you. Always. Someone there...with you. No matter how crappy the day is....no matter how bad you feel. You can always just sit down....in each others arms...and the whole world goes away. But alas...tis not for me i guess. Im left alone....to wallow in my misery...and hatred...and all i can hear is death. And see his cold icy hands creeping around my bed at night. For even though their might be people in this world that love me. I dont think they can ever make me that person again. I dont think that there will be someone there for me....to hold...to touch...to care always. And forever. And so this poor boy grows cold again....

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH ok im better. Oh crap. Emotions...blah...out of control. Im turning back into a child...grrrr. What could be worse (or scarier). Oh in case ya'll didnt know...i never had much of a childhood. So if your reading this right now. And im online. And its still the 9th. Msg me. Get ahold of me. Im in rare form tonite. Might never happen again. And if you dont get to me. Just ask Mithos(if ya'll know him). He'll tell ya. Im starting to scare myself. Heheheheh. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Blah blah blah poop. Ok. Im done. Later.

And now its over. What ever short burst of energy decided to come...has gone. And so im now a big lump of worthless flesh again. Soooo....yea....omit that last entry. It means nothing i guess. I realize that i shouldnt try for my dreams any more. Every time i try and reach out for love. I lose. Every time i try and build a relationship....i lose. Like all the other times. Im not ment for love i guess. Even if theres so much just waiting....wishing to be freed. But i cant. Cause theres no one there that can be with me like that. I cant play this game any more. I have very little heart left to break. And if i lose that....then i am lost. Forever. And that is even worse than i can imagine my life now. So i wonder if i shouldnt just lock what little i have left away. Keep it safe from harm. And just relize that the life i want is unattanable. And futile. And worthless now. Most people dont care about true love any more. They just do whatever's convinent. And sutiable at the time. Not many people are that faithful any more. When it comes to being in a relationship it seems. Or at least....for me. But hell...it dosent matter. I dont want to....CRAP. I dont want to give up on this stupid ass dream of mine. I do. But i cant. Its all i have. An echo in space and time....recalls these words to my mind. The tears fall slowly, though heavy on my face. My skin burns with fear and my mind recoils. What should i do, they wont go away. I just sit here and cry, theres nothing more to say.....

And yet again i relize how much i hate this place. The army dosent want soldiers...they want slaves. Free thought isnt accepted. And i realized this even more this morning when i got yelled at for trying to give a valid excuse for something. Then...as i was "allowed" to go pick up all the trash around the barracks and then take it down to the dumpster. I realize that im not allowed to think. Im not allowed to give an opinion. And im not allowed to slam the door in the barracks sgt's face. I only wish i had broken his nose. But he'll learn....he wants a war....well then that can be arranged. Stupid bastard dosent know what he's getting into. To be continued...im sure...

Yawn....i need to get to bed sooner. Well, an interesting day at any rate. At least the morning didnt decided the trend of the day. I think the burst of anger and aggression helped a lil. Im not feeling too bad tonite. At least i found out a few things. One...i need to believe in myself..Two...I need to hmmm ok lost train of thought, scratch two....Three...I need to rebuild my world, and my heart. Im sure theirs some other things but then i was never the greatest at details. But....im tired....gonna go to bed. I have FRIDAY off this week. Kick ass.

And again....as the dagger rips through my heart. I wonder...why i care. Why i try. Why i bother. Again....love turns bad. And...life will always repeat. Vision blurrs. Heart races. Mind reels. I want to love her...want to help her. But i cant touch her. She lives upon a tower. And i cant go there. I cant reach her. I cant help...no matter what i do. Cause i dont know what to do. I want to help...but it dosent work that way. I dont know....am i saying the wrong things. Am i thinking the wrong thoughts. Am i not being a friend. Am i really not being there. Am i just invisible...a side adventure. I want to think not. I want to help. I want her to know i love her. Just as she did too me. When i needed it the most. I still need it i think. We both need it...i think. We need each other. I just dont know how to reach out to her. What more can i do but offer her my heart and soul and just be there to listen. And watch as my heart burns....and withers. And each day a new one sprouts. And waits for her. Because theres a reason for my heart to live. Even if only to die another death. If it helps out in some way i would die a million deaths. If but to save one person...but to help one person...that i truly love. Maybe im too overprotective...too much of a romantic at times. I dunno...but i guess all i can do at this point in time is follow my heart. And try my best. Even if my best pales in comparison too what it used to. It shall have to do....shall have to suffice.

Well...certainly an interesting time home. Im sad to see it end so soon. Tonight is my last night. Im hoping to make the most of it. If anything to get my mind straight for the coming days...months. I have learned some what of what it is to have love...and be loved. Such strange emotions right now....but not strangers. I need to allow them to flourish this time though. I can't let my fears bind my soul to them any longer. I must rise up and make something of myself. I cannot let my friends sacrifices go to waste. And i cant let my friendships go to waste. For either would be a horrendous atrocity. I cannot do it to them. And i cant do it too myself. I must find out what it is im here to do. For i believe everyone must have some purpose in life. If it is even just to be here for someone else when they needed it the most. Which i have been shown. When you think you are unable to stand any longer on your own two feet. There is someone there...to help...to stand by with you. To show you the path...but not lead you down it. For each person has to follow what they will. Others can show them the road, but they cannot walk it for you. So i must now choose the paths available to me. And i must walk with my head high. Even though the road seems long and treachous at this point and time. I know its no longer impossible.

What to say...what to say. Im getting deployed shortly. In the next couple days. So i wont be able to update this for awhile. Which sucks. I dont really wanna go. But hell...ive got little choice. Espically right now...things going on back home that id rather be there for. Stupid army. I have things to do. Let me go home. Dammit... Stupid war. I fuckin hate wars. Home....sigh. People to see....things to do. I wanna go to england too. Visit my friend out there. Maybe when i get back. Perhaps i'll see if some people can come with me or something. That would kick ass. Not much to say here really i guess. I'll miss all my friends and family. A few people in particular. You know who you are. I'll write you all. As soon as i can. And dont WORRY...im going to be safe as i can be. I wanna be able to come back. I wonder if i can dig a hole and hide in it for the whole time. Prolly wouldnt work. Get tired digging and stuff...

Hmmm...what a fun night this has turned out to be. Many things to ummm think about. Heheeeee. Kinda....happy...giddy. Ummmm...yea. If someone reads this...they will know what im talking about. Time to go uhh dream.....

LOOK...its an update. Well i'll be damned. Oh wait...i am. Not completly though. Otherwise i wouldnt have that sexy woman in my life. Yes isnt it amazing i finally found someone. For those of you who know me...im sure you thought that impossible. Well yer not the only one. Now dont think im gonna get all happy, and sappy, and caring and shit. Thats only reserved for one person. The rest of you still get the same treatment. Muhah. But if you dont know what im talking about in this entry here. Well too bad. Cause this is prolly all your going to get out of me. So there. You all have your own lives to uh live and stuff. And i guess i do too...still...for now. Oh hay on a side note ive got a pet bone dragon. Yea...i know...i kick ass. Its a good thing not everyone can be as cool as me. Cause...well...i know i'd be scared. Welll i think its time to go get some food and then start my nightly bout of drunkeness. Ciao.