Title: A visitation of thought.
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2000 15:54:36 -0500
Author: Teri, Ian

Teri sat outside, on the front porch, her coat on against the growing autumn
breeze and her pack by her feet. Her hands cupped her chin, and her elbows
dug into her knees. She had left the hut after dumping Stana on the floor
and sat now, waiting for the older girl to do... whatever she had to do to
get ready.

But Teri was having doubts. She wasn't sure she wanted to go to Madron after
all. She didn't like the strange army following them, and the mission didn't
seem right to her. She didn't know who this Finn guy was, anyway.

She looked up, straightening her back a bit and shifting on the steps. The
breeze had stilled, as had the few birds she had heard chirruping. Her eyes
moved idly around, hoping for someone to come out of the woodwork and
provide her with a bit of entertainment. She hadn't realized until this
morning, after all vestiges of her hangover had worn off, just how
thoroughly on edge she was. She felt... dead all of a sudden. Leadened.

Ever since drinking she'd felt this way. Heavy spirited, which was unusual
for her. Ever since that unnerving dream... The dream that had held her
trapped, a dark pressure holding her firm against the walls of her own mind.

Teri winced as a strange sensation passed through her head. One hand came up
to gingerly support her forehead while the other fell to the steps,
steadying her. She grimaced as a wave of dizzyness threatened to send her to
the ground. She groaned and lowered her head, pressing her fingers into her
temples.. Was she going to be sick? That would be the icing on the cake...

Teri shut her eyes together tightly, waiting for the dizzyness to abate. Her
temples throbbed, and she thought she could hear her heartbeat thudding in
her ears. But then, just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore, the
dizziness vanished. Teri opened her eyes, blurred from the tension, her brow
crossed in confusion. What the hell had that been?

She stood up, still woozy, and then spun around when she felt a hand fall on
her shoulder. She faced nothing. The porch was empty, except for her. But
then, what had...

Then she felt it again, like someone just barely holding onto her shoulders.
A chill, slight touch. More pressure, against her temples... Suddenly a
fountain of fear opened within her, chilling her blood- she was too
powerfully afraid to turn around, let alone to move.

She struggled to push down the emotion, struggled to muster the furious
energy normally so quick to enter her grasp- yet nothing came.

There was something eerily familiar about the feeling, the lack of control,
and her fear was tinged with a nauseous unease; it was dream-like, this
feeling, and uncontrollable as if she were asleep...

Her eyes trembled closed, refusing to see. What was going on? Why the hell
was she here? The thoughts rose unbidden. She was on a rescue mission for
someone she barely knew, stuck in an elven village with a girl that had a
serious personality problem... And she had had no time to think about her
own predicament...

So why do you put up with it?

She shuddered. That last thought hadn't been hers, had it? It was as if it
had been
whispered right into her mind... or from the dregs of her soul. A darkness
tinged her mind's voice.

But why WAS she here? Because some stuck-up General had thought she would be
safer here. Because some pretentious unicorn asked her to watch for a friend
who had disowned her.

So just leave.

This is ridiculous. Where was the safety in running headlong into an evil
wizard's territory? With two bumbling Chosen, a renegade elementalist and an
elf.

You're afraid.

She was afraid.

You're helpless. You're a burden to them- you have no power of your own, you
just hold them back. You're weak.

So just leave, she told herself. There were things SHE wanted to do. Things
she could do, so she wouldn't be so disgustingly dependent. There were
things she needed. Animosity within and without the group were not among
them... She was sensitive, she didn't need this shit! Maybe Stana was right,
and the glory and opulence of being a chosen was not worth having her life
stuck on a dart board and her decisions made for her.

She felt the shadows slip from her body as the sun emerged from the clouds,
dappling her skin with golden spots. The pressure eased, broke around her
like a blast of warm air chases the chill. She opened her eyes, startled to
find herself shaking and her skin slicked with a sheen of sweat.

Had the decision to leave been that difficult? She shook her head against
the vanishing darkness of thought. Even still, she was rooted in place.
Alone?

She swallowed against the fear that had seemingly risen unbidden, and tried
to push away the resentment that had quickly followed suit. She felt dirty,
unclean, and she shivered.

Alone? She had been alone twice in this land... and both times there had
been Shinji. There would be no Shinji now.

Alone... But the thought of travelling another step with the group filled
her with resentment, bitterness, and impatience. And a frustration at her
own uselessness.

Why was she here? The Ancients had never answered that question. She had
never really asked, too dazzled by the fantastical mission presented her.
Maybe now she should ask... why she was here.... why she was alone

~*~************************************************~*~
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The
second is to look things in the face and know them
for what they are." -Marcus Aurelius

Teri Champ
Vassar College, Box 1763
Poughkeepsie, New York 12604-1763
x3089

http://vsa.vassar.edu/~m4m

~*~************************************************~*~