Author's Note: This is set after "And Jesus Brought A
Casserole". This story has to do with suicide and death (sorry if you feel
I've ruined the story now). Please don't read this if you don't like suicide (I
don't... I don't even know why or how I wrote this)... my other stories are very
good... or so I'm told... you can go read one of those. Please don't flame me
telling me you're offended, because I will just use those flames to make s'mores
and burn my latest grade card. Thank you. *Princess
Sonnet 144
I sit in my wheel chair, to tired and numb to put my exoskeleton on. I can't
even see the point anymore. All the trouble to put the thing back together was
for Max. My angel.
It has been 4 days since the death of my beloved. She didn't have enough time on
this earth. I know that she was made, but she was so real to me. I loved...
love... her so much it hurts. I went on living, after the accident, for her. She
made me want to live.
I had to break the news to Original Cindy, Kendra, and all of Max's other
friends. It was so hard. I sat there and watched them mourn their friend. Bling
took it pretty hard. He hovered around me 24/7 until just a few minutes ago when
I was able to get him to go to the Market and leave me alone for an hour.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm supposed to be the protector of
the down trodden, guardian of peace and justice, blah, blah, woof, woof. But
none of that seems important. All I want is for what happened to her to be
avenged and for the people who did this to be brought to justice. Or to be
killed themselves. But as soon as I started running my line of contacts, no one
could tell me a thing. None of them. They were all dead ends.
I sit in front of the window watching the rain pour down. It rains a lot in
Seattle. I can't help but think that the heavens feel my pain and that they're
crying right along with my soul. I need to find something to destroy this pain.
I'll do anything. Pay off as many people as necessary. I just want my angel
back. I want to turn back time and take her out to eat for our anniversary
instead of staying in.
Rolling away from the window, I go into my office and sit in front of my
computer. I stare at the blank screen and wonder what I'd do once I'd turn it
on. Would I just stare at a screen with pictures on it, would I type a message
to someone, would I do searches for kids with barcodes on their necks, or would
I just throw it across the room?
Figuring all those ideas were bad, I instead opened my desk drawer. I pulled out
the gun I kept there for emergencies and put a bullet in it. It was the same gun
that I had almost used months ago to blow my brains out. Max had been there to
hold me afterwards. She isn't here now.
The weapon isn't real heavy like some guns I've held before, but it's not very
light either. I can still tell there's something in my hand. It's cold against
my skin and I unhook the safety. I glance at the clock and see that there's
still about 45 minutes until Bling is supposed to return. I pull out a piece of
paper and scribble something resembling a note on it. I hold the gun up again. I
put it to my temple and wait a few seconds, praying that she'll come running
through the door like last time. I want her to save me, but because she's gone,
she's destroying me. I can't live without her. I don't want to.
I put my finger on the trigger and take a deep breath. I shut my eyes. And I
pull the trigger.
Not 2 minutes later, my beautiful angel runs through the door.
"Logan!" she yells to the emptiness. I smile from my view above her
seeing her alive, then I start to cry knowing what I had done. She walks into my
computer room and sees my body. She's screaming. I start to cry harder realizing
what I had done to her.
She hits my table in frustration and screams my name again, but this time in
sadness. She knocks my paper from the desk and it flutters to the ground to land
in her tears. She looks at it for a second, like it might bite her, but then she
picks it up and reads it:
I'm sorry.
-Logan
Sonnet 144
By William Shakespeare
Two loves I have, of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still;
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colored ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turned fiend
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell.
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out
Max cries out again. She picks up the gun laying on the floor and goes over to
the drawer to get another bullet. She grabs one and loads the gun just as I had.
She leans over my dead body to look into my pale face. "I love you,"
she whispers. She kisses me on the lips and puts the gun to her head. She
doesn't even think about how killing herself would disrespect Zach, for she was
destroying a part of him, too. His heart had been a gift and now she was going
to throw it all away for me. She pulls the trigger and falls on top of my body.
I look on as I see what my one selfish act has done. Not only have I killed
myself, I've also essentially killed my one love. I stay where I am, waiting for
Bling to return home. I deserve the torment my friend's tears would bring. I
deserve every second of it, because even though I'm gone and my love is gone, I
have not seen her here beside me. I still don't have my angel with me, because I
realized that she's in Heaven and I'm in Hell.
::rereads the POV just written:: Sorry... I am seriously working through some
issues. I don't believe in suicide what so ever. I usually don't write about it,
because taking your own life seems so unreal to me, but I guess I just needed to
write it. I'm really sorry if this offended anyone, and I hope the note at the
top was a good enough warning. I know it's not real detailed, but sometimes
that's worse, because your imagination can do so much.
Sonnet 144 is one of my favorites. Please don't e-mail me telling me how he
wouldn't have taken the time to write it, I just wanted to put it in there and
that seemed like the best place. If you want a line by line explanation as to
why I used it, as some people have asked, please e-mail me. I'd be happy to
explain it to you.
*Princess
